Chapter 12: Guilty Minds

Lucas

I wanted to go inside. I wanted to see him. Talk to him. Tell him that I forgave him for whatever he's done in the past. Tell him that I was glad he was okay. Tell him that I was lucky to have him as my brother. But instead I just stood in the lobby watching the sliding doors open and close, open and close, until Merritt appeared in front of me, breaking me from the trance I had been in for the past hour.

"Weren't you just here?" I asked, not unkindly. Her makeup looked different than it had only hours before and she had on a much-too-expensive dress for a grimy hospital lobby.

"Yeah, I thought I'd check in again. See if you've gone in to see him yet," Merritt came over to sit next to me and I straightened up, weary of her seeing me looking so crumpled and distraught.

"Well, the answer hasn't changed in the two hours since you were here last," I massaged my temples with my fingers. I was tired in every way imaginable, but right now, I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink. Not until everything was resolved.

"I'm actually here for a different reason," Merritt confessed. "My brother, the idiot jock that he is, decided that the best way to celebrate Holden's awakening was to throw a party. So I'm here to convince you to come."

I scoffed, and leaned back in my chair, unable to believe the absurd words coming out of her mouth.

"You're kidding right? A party? I know he's slow and all, but how could he possibly think that I would want to go to a party right now?"

"I know, I know, but Lucas, you need to get your mind off of everything. See your friends, have a drink or two. Unless you want to go home and rest, which I completely understand…" Merritt's gaze fell to her hands, and then back up to meet my eyes.

"No, I wouldn't be able to sleep," I furrowed my brows and shook my head quickly.

"Okay, then. So why don't you go in to see your brother, and then we head over to the party? We won't stay long, thirty, forty-five minutes tops," she turned in her seat, and hesitantly placed her hand over mine.

There was no way I was going to that party. It was ridiculous. It was completely inappropriate. Disrespectful even. And -

"Riley Matthews was over at my place earlier, tutoring Jensen, when he came up with the idea for the party. She said she was coming, along with lots of-" Merritt began to explain, but I cut her off.

"Riley… Riley is tutoring Jensen?" I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy rise up within me. I had no right to feel this way, and yet…

"Apparently, so. Guess you weren't as special as you thought," she removed her hand from mine and tucked a piece of hair behind her ears.

I was quiet for a moment as I let the anger boiling up within the pit of my stomach simmer down. Jensen was dangerous in so many ways. He was manipulative. He was hot-headed. Vindictive. But he was also a charmer. And he would do whatever it took to get what he wanted. He would do whatever it took to get to me. I couldn't let Riley be used by Jensen Haynes just so he could settle his ridiculous agenda with me.

"Fine, let's go," I stood up and grabbed by jacket from the empty chair next to me. "Forty-five minutes, then I come back to the hospital."

"Don't you want to see Holden first?" Merritt stood up quickly, but I was already halfway out the door.

"I… I can't. Not yet," I admitted, looking down at the ground. I felt guilty for avoiding my brother, but it was better this way. I could clear my head. Think of what I was going to say to him. Plus I needed to see Riley and stop Jensen from doing whatever he was doing with her to get to me.

"Okay, let's go," Merritt met me at the door, and we headed to her apartment. The last time I had been to a party like this… my life changed forever. I had to make sure that nothing like that would ever happen again. I had to make sure nothing like what happened to Jessica Evans happened to Riley. And that is why I had to go to this party tonight instead of talking to my brother.

–

I could hear the music coming from the Haynes' apartment before we even stepped out of the elevator.

"Don't your neighbors ever complain about the noise?" I asked Merritt as we headed for the apartment's front entrance.

"My dad paid them off to keep the complaints at bay," Merritt explained, very matter-of-factly.

"Of course he did," I muttered under my breath as Merritt pushed open the door.

As the door swung open, I couldn't help but feel a sense of deja-vu wash over me. The sights and sounds were all too familiar. They were a bad memory rising to the surface that I couldn't push back down.

"Lucas!" Zay ran up to us, and I immediately felt more at ease. "Hey man, how's Holden doing?"

Merritt quickly left my side as she spotted a group of her friends standing by the kitchen counter, without saying a word to Zay or myself.

"He's awake, which is apparently why we're all here right now," I gestured to our classmates dancing without a care in the world. They weren't here for Holden. They were here to have fun and forget their own problems. And who was I to blame them for that?

"Have you seen him? What did he say?" Zay pressed.

"I haven't gone in to talk to him yet," I scratched the back of my head uncomfortably. "Hey, have you seen Riley Matthews here?"

"Riley Matthews? Why do you-"

"I'll explain later, man. Just - have you seen her?"

"I think I saw her heading towards the back with Jensen about 10 minutes ago," Zay explained. The jealous pang I had felt in the pit of my stomach earlier was back, and I wasn't sure if I could suppress it this time.

"I have to go," I muttered, already headed to the back, where I knew Jensen's bedroom was located.

The Haynes' apartment had two floors. Jensen picked the one bedroom on the bottom floor for two reasons - it was easier for him to sneak out late at night while his parents were sound asleep on the second floor. And it was easier to sneak girls in as well. His room was at the end of the hall, and as I approached it, I saw that the door was cracked. The hallway was dark, except for the soft beam of light pouring in from the lamp on his bedside table. As I approached the door, I could see Riley standing by the far wall, staring at something pinned to it. Jensen was nowhere to be found. Thank god. As I stepped closer, the item she was staring at came into view and my blood ran cold. She knew. She knew about that night and now I was going to lose her forever.

"Where did you get that?" As I asked Riley about the newspaper, I was vaguely aware that my voice did not sound like my own. I had transformed into the defensive, angry person that I had worked so hard to get away from this past year.

"Let's just go back to the party," Riley suggested, after I had apologized for acting so strange. I nodded and we filed back into the party, the noise returning as soon as I opened the door.

"So, you and Jensen huh?" I began, as we settled into a quiet spot in the corner of the living room. Riley took a sip from her water bottle and crossed one leg over the other.

"What?" I raised my eyebrows at her, and she practically spit out her water. "What, no! I'm just tutoring him!"

"I know Riley, that's what I meant," I couldn't help but smile at her shocked expression.

"Oh. I knew that," Riley's cheeks blushed and she fidgeted in her seat.

"Riley, you need to be careful. Jensen… He's a bad guy," I warned, inching closer to her on the couch so that our knees knocked together.

"I don't believe that. Sure, he's gotten into some trouble in the past. But I recall someone else who recently informed me that he had done things in his past that he wasn't proud of either. I believed in him. I still do. Why can't I believe in Jensen too?"

"I just don't want you to get hurt," I turned my body to face Riley's, so that we were looking at each other head on.

"Get hurt? Lucas, I'm just tutoring him. How could he possibly hurt me?"

"Look, he knows that you're my tutor. Or that you used to be. And I have done things in that past life that you were just talking about that made him really angry with me. He would do anything to get to me, and that includes using you to mess with me," I sputtered out quickly, hoping that I was making any sort of sense.

"Wait, I'm sorry. You think the only reason that Jensen asked me to tutor him was to mess with you in some way?" Riley furrowed her eyebrows and I could see the anger rising up in her eyes.

"Well, no not just to mess with me…"

"Then what Lucas? Is it so weird to think that Jensen might want me to tutor him because he thinks I'm smart and that I could really help him?"

"Of course it's not weird, but-"

"And why would him tutoring me bother you exactly? How would that be the thing that would hurt you the most?"

Oh boy.

"It's complicated, Riley," I dodged the question, hoping that would be enough of an answer for her. It wasn't.

"I have to go," she stood up quickly, and I grabbed her arm before she could storm away.

"Riley, wait, please let me explain!"

"No, I think you've done enough explaining for one night Lucas," she snapped, wiggling her arm free from my grip and turning to walk away.

I had to tell her. I had to tell her how I felt about her. I needed to start expressing how I felt, and I had to start with Riley. I couldn't do that with Merritt. Or my parents. Or Holden. But I needed to be able to do that with her.

"Because I care about you more than I've cared about anyone in a long time," I blurted out, and Riley slowly turned her head to look me in the eyes. "I care about you as more than just a friend… I like you Riley. And I think Jensen's figured that out somehow. He's going to use it against me and he's going to use it to hurt you. And I can't let that happen."

"You know, I really hope that's not true because then you'd be just as bad as Merritt and Holden or even your parents. I hope that's not true because you would be the biggest hypocrite I have ever met in my entire life. And you would be a complete stranger to me," Riley spun on her heel and disappeared into the crowd of dancing partygoers.

I sat back down and rested my head in my hands, feeling defeated. I thought that telling Riley the truth about my feelings for her would make things better, but somehow they made them even worse. She had been mad at me before, but this felt different somehow. It felt like I had almost lost her for good.

"Well, well. Lucas Friar, moping at his own brother's awakening party. I would say that I was surprised, but this is pretty typical for you nowadays isn't it?" Jensen appeared from somewhere behind me and I stood up quickly.

"Jensen, what the hell are you doing with Riley?" My heart was racing, and my fists were already starting to clench, ready to take my anger out on the person who had caused it in the first place.

"She's my new tutor. She's really quite good actually. Granted we only had one session. One that got interrupted. But something tells me she's going to be very… helpful," his lips pulled up into a sly smile and I lunged forward to grab either side of his shirt in my hands.

"Careful, Lucas. By the looks of that argument that you and Riley just had, my word is going to mean so much more to her than yours will right now. Wouldn't want to tell her what happened with the party bus. And the river. And Jessica Evans," Jensen threatened. I had him pinned against the wall, behind the stairs so no one could see us.

"That was as much your fault as it was mine," my voice was low and angry.

"Oh, is that what you tell yourself to ease the guilt? Because we both know what happened that night Lucas. We both know that Jessica was your responsibility. And we both know that you killed her."

I couldn't hold it in anymore. I pushed Jensen back towards the party and tackled him to the ground. My fist met his jaw, and I could hear the gasps of everyone around me. Jensen pushed me off him and threw a punch right in my stomach, making me double over in pain.

"You know, Riley's pretty great. Despite what you think, I'm not doing this to hurt her. I'm doing this to hurt you," Jensen whispered in my ear. I quickly spun him around by his arm and threw his body onto the coffee table. It collapsed underneath his weight, and the room went silent.

"There you go Lucas! Show everyone who you really are!" Jensen shouted, pushing me off of him and standing to his feet.

I scanned the room to see shocked expressions all around me. Some were disappointed. Some were impressed. Some were annoyed that we had interrupted the party with our outburst. And then there was Riley's. Any hope I had of proving to her that I was the person she had gotten to know these past few months was completely gone. I had shown her a side to myself that I didn't think was there anymore. And I could see all of that written in her expression. I was no longer Mr. Perfect. I was no longer Golden Boy. And I was no longer the Lucas Friar who people looked up to. This is what Jensen had wanted. And he had won.