Chapter 13: Explosions Aren't Dangerous

Riley

I was listening to one of those songs - you know, the ones you listen to late at night when the world has stopped moving. When there is silence all around you, except for that one song playing soft and melodic in the background. The ones that make you think of infinite universes and destinies and things way beyond your years. The ones that help fill the void in your heart that has been missing for years or months or even minutes. I was sitting at the bay window, listening to that song, and wondering how I could have been such a fool when I heard a tap on my window.

"Ow," Maya muttered as she crawled through the window and plopped next to me on the bench. "It is a lot harder to crawl through that thing than you might think."

"I bet," I smiled sadly, and averted my gaze back to the street outside my window. "I thought you went home?"

"Well, I was headed there until I realized how strange you were acting after we left the party," Maya glanced over at the record player on my dresser and headed over to investigate. "Oh no. You only listen to Daughter when you're sad. This is your sad music. Riley, tell me what's been going on."

"It's not sad, it's melancholy and slow and beautiful, which is what I need right now," I explained, pulling my knees up to my chin and resting my head, feeling extremely tired.

"And why is that?" Maya raised her eyebrows expectantly, ready for me to tell her what had been going on these past few weeks.

"It's a long story," I warned her, hoping that would lessen her interest in hearing what I had to say.

"Then you're in luck, because I am not the slightest bit tired. It's the weekend. And I'm spending the night. Now, tell me what's been happening with Lucas Friar and that hot prep school guy who totally has a thing for you," Maya kicked off her shoes, and hopped onto my bed, settling in comfortably to hear my long explanation.

"First of all, Jensen Haynes does not have a thing for me. I'm just his tutor," I explained, walking over to my bed to sit in front of Maya.

"Wait, Haynes? As in Merritt Haynes?" Maya furrowed her brows in confusion and turned her body to face mine.

"Yep, he's her brother."

"Oh no, Riley. You cannot tutor Merritt Haynes' brother!" Maya exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air for emphasis.

"Why not?"

"Because that whole family is insane. They're all creepily good at covering up the truth. My mom worked at this agency a while back, one that Mr. Haynes' owned, and she said that there were a lot of shady things happening there that he was a part of that would just mysteriously be forgotten about the next day and no one ever mentioned them again," Maya released her long blonde hair from the bun she had it in and it fell onto her shoulders in waves.

"Maya, that doesn't mean Jensen is like his father. If we were all like our parents the world would be a scary place," I pointed out.

"Says the girl with the two most perfect parents in the entire world," Maya gave me a knowing look and I lightly kicked her leg.

"That's not the point. The point is that... Underneath all the parties and the secrets and the bad reputation, I think that Jensen Haynes is a good guy," I declared, trying to convince her that the perception she had of him was not a valid one.

Or maybe I was just trying to convince myself.

"Whatever you say," Maya muttered skeptically. "And Lucas? What were you two talking about before the fight to end all fights? I saw the way he was looking at you. That look was not platonic. Spill."

"It doesn't matter. I realized tonight that it was wrong of me to think that I knew who Lucas Friar was. There's so much I don't know about him. And I'm not so sure that I want to know anymore," I confessed, picking up a throw pillow and hugging it close to my body.

"Riley, Lucas Friar is a good guy. He always has been. I remember when you used to go to his lacrosse practices after school. You would just sit and watch him for hours," Maya smiled, and I threw the pillow at her head.

"Hey, you swore you would never speak of that again!"

"And I never did. Until now," Maya smirked and punched my arm playfully. "Anyway, I remember you saying to me, 'It's like I'm watching an apparition - he doesn't seem real, but I know he's there, right in front of me.' And then after you got to know him, the apparition was gone. He became real to you and you could finally say that you truly knew Lucas Friar."

"There are a lot of things he's done that I don't know about Maya. How can I truly know him if I don't know about those things?"

I knew that if I was giving Jensen Haynes the benefit of the doubt, I should do the same for Lucas. But the truth was that I was scared. And I wasn't even entirely sure why.

"You believe in the person you've gotten to know. You trust that he's always been that guy deep down. And you give him a chance to prove that to you."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that yet," I admitted.

"That's okay, just give it time. Because if he knows what's good for him, he'll wait for you," Maya held her fist in the air and shook it in front of me with a menacing look on her face. I laughed, and lowered her fist to take her hand in mine.

"Thanks, Maya. I really needed to hear that."

"What are friends for?" Maya squeezed my hand and jumped off the bed. "See, now wasn't that so much better than moping around your bay window listening to sad songs?"

"Maybe," I smirked, swinging my legs off the edge of the bed.

"You know what we need?"

"Less depressing music?" I offered, following behind her as she headed towards the door.

"No. Well, yes. But I'm talking about your brother's stash of Halloween candy he keeps in a pillowcase in the hall closet that he thinks no one knows about."

"How do you know about it?" I raised my eyebrows at her and she smirked.

"I have my ways." With that, Maya snuck into the hallway to pick out a few pieces of candy from Auggie's hiding place.

I knew what Maya said was true. I knew that I needed to give Lucas a chance to prove to me that he's worth all of this... chaos. But I couldn't. Not yet. I needed to remember who I was before I got sucked into Lucas Friar's world. It was easy to forget that I had a life before I met him, but I knew now that to trust Lucas again, I needed to get back to my own world for a while. And that was okay.

I forgot how much I loved the way the world looked behind a pen and a piece of paper. As I sat in the park near my apartment, I took in the way the air smelled of honeysuckle and how the children playing nearby laughed with such an innocence that was so easily forgotten if you weren't paying attention. I watched and I listened and I wrote it all down. And I loved every second of it. I was so enthralled in my writing that I didn't notice a figure standing over me, casting a shadow over my notebook.

"Now, if I had that much concentration when it came to school, I wouldn't need you to tutor me in the first place," Jensen stood over me, his hands in his jacket pocket and his sly smile beaming across his face.

"Jensen, what are you... Is it 5:30 already?" I set my notebook on the bench and searched for my phone, wondering how I let time slip by so quickly.

"Did you forget that there was an actual world moving around you?" Jensen joked, taking a seat next to me on the bench.

"I kind of did," I nodded in amazement at my own ability to block out the rest of the world and Jensen let out a low, hearty laugh.

"Well, I am here to bring you back to reality. And unfortunately that means calculus," Jensen set his backpack in front of him and unzipped it to remove his book.

"Hey, Jensen? What was that about last night? With you and Lucas I mean?" I asked cautiously, afraid to step somewhere I didn't belong.

"It was about you," Jensen looked up at me, his expression serious. When he saw the panic on my face, he broke into laughter. "I'm just kidding, Riley. Lucas and I have a long and complicated history and last night a few of our old demons came back to haunt us that were just too much for us to handle. He broke. Then I broke. Then we broke the coffee table."

"Are you okay?" He looked at me then, surprise and confusion written in his eyes. I could tell that he wasn't used to people asking about him. He may have been wealthy and popular, but no one ever asked him how his day was going or why he was feeling upset or hurt.

"Come on Riley, I'm on the lacrosse team. I can handle a few punches. I mean, trust me, I've had worse," Jensen placed the book on his lap and turned to face me.

"Why does that not make me feel any better?"

"What can I say? I'm trouble, Riley Matthews. Trouble tends to follow me wherever I go. And it never ends well," Jensen declared, the corner of his mouth lifting up into that classic smirk. I knew that he didn't mean for it to sound like a warning, but part of me knew that it was.

And that should have been my cue to run far away from him. That should have told me that I had no business being around him. But I couldn't help it. I wanted to give Jensen a chance. Part of me felt guilty that I wanted to give him a chance and not Lucas. And another part of me didn't care. I had given him a chance before and he blew it more that once. Maybe Jensen wouldn't.

"I think you're more than that. I just think you haven't had the chance to prove it to anyone yet," I confessed, looking him directly in the eyes.

"And you think I can prove it to you?"

"Yes, I do," I admitted, confident that I was telling him the truth. I placed my hand on top of his to prove to him that I was sincere.

Jensen Haynes was a ticking time bomb, waiting for someone to hit the trigger and watch him explode. A sane person would run in the opposite direction. They would fear getting hit with the after effects of the explosion. But I wasn't afraid. I was intrigued. And if he was going to explode, I didn't mind being around him when he did.

Before I knew what was happening. Before I could take a breath or give him a reason to stop, Jensen was leaning in close, placing a hand on my cheek, and touching his lips to mine. The sun was setting, leaving a golden trail of light shining through the trees and all I could think about in that moment was that this would be the perfect thing to write about. And that's when everything became clear. I pulled back quickly and grabbed my notebook and tote bag from beside me on the bench.

"I have to go," I announced, standing up and flinging my bag over my shoulder.

"Riley-" Jensen stepped forward, but I backed away before he could reach me.

"No, it's okay. But, I have to go!" I started walking backwards, as I took in Jensen's confused expression. "I'll text you later! Study your differential equations!" I ran in the opposite direction towards my apartment, without looking back.

This was so complicated.

I knew what I felt for Lucas - what I've felt for him for almost a year, but I also knew how angry I was with him for not telling me the truth about his past. For letting me think that I knew who he was, before finding out that he was someone else entirely. Jensen may have done things in his past too, but he hasn't pretended to be someone else with me. Maybe Jensen was who I needed to be with right now. And maybe it was time to let Lucas, or the idea I've had of him for so long, go.