Chapter 15: Lost Souls

Riley

My entire life up until this point, I had known the exact path I would take for everything that was thrown my way. I had known who my friends were, what I wanted to be when I grew up, that my parents loved me unconditionally, what I believed in - and what I didn't. But somehow, be it fate or destiny or a random string of coincidences, I had taken the wrong path somewhere. And now I was lost - signs pointing in every direction, causing me to stray from the path I would have normally taken. The questions was - would I ever find my way back?

When I arrived at school that next Monday, things had gone from confusing, to complicated, to just plain bad. It was homecoming week, which basically meant I was in my own level of personal hell. I stood in the background as Lucas and Merritt hung posters and passed out gourmet cupcakes in their campaign to win homecoming king and queen. I watched him stare in my direction when he was supposed to be staring at Merritt. And on top of it all, I tried as best I could to forget how Jensen's lips felt on mine by avoiding his dozens of calls and text messages. I didn't know what to do or where to go from here. And it was only getting worse.

"Ah, homecoming," Maya sighed as she approached Farkle and me sitting on the half wall in front of our high school. "Where kids like us get to watch the popular kids live their dream lives, while we must simply exist in the middle of it all."

"Maya, don't play the 'my life sucks because I'm not popular' card, you're better than that," Farkle reminded her, and Maya rolled her eyes.

"I'm really not," Maya smirked, pulling out a bag of chips from her backpack. "But, I'm perfectly fine living in the shadows because I know that one day I will become a fabulous editor for a big-shot newspaper and they will be washed up nobodies."

I glanced over at Lucas talking to some of his lacrosse teammates under the big oak tree. He was only a few feet away from me, but it might as well have been a thousand. I shook my head, trying my best not to get sucked into a trance. Pushing any lingering thoughts of Lucas out of my mind, I turned to Maya and Farkle and smiled widely.

"Guys, I have an announcement," Maya raised her eyebrows at me, and Farkle frowned.

"Does it involve Lucas Friar, because if so, I don't want to hear it," Farkle plugged his ears with his index fingers, and Maya gave me a knowing look.

"No, Farkle, it's not about Lucas," I assured him, before taking a deep breath. "I wrote my short story for the contest last night."

"No way, that's awesome!" Maya exclaimed, throwing her arm around my shoulder and giving me a congratulatory squeeze. "Do we get to read it?"

"Nope, not until after the contest is over," I told them, and Maya pouted her lips at me in disappointment. "Hey, come on, you didn't let me read yours!"

"True," Maya nodded, as she popped a chip into her mouth.

"What changed, Riley?" Farkle asked, and I furrowed my eyebrows at him in confusion. "You were having a serious case of writer's block just last week. Did something happen over the weekend to change that?"

Maya raised her eyebrows at me and I kicked her foot in response.

"Yeah, Riley. Did anything interesting happen this weekend to pull you out of your writer's block?" Maya teased.

"I just... Went to the park. Sat on my bench. And inspiration just sort of... hit me," I explained, avoiding eye contact with both of them.

My phone buzzed, and I quickly glanced down to see a message from Jensen pop up on my screen.

Riley, I'm sorry about the kiss. It probably freaked you out. It was way too soon. Please talk to me. - Jensen

I shoved my phone in my backpack and turned my attention back to my friends.

"So, let's talk about how we're going to avoid all of the homecoming shenanigans this week, I was thinking that we..." Maya trailed off as her attention was pulled to someone walking towards us.

Merritt Haynes, with her straight, honey-blonde hair, and her much-too-short dance team uniform, sauntered over to us with a fake smile plastered on her face.

"Riley... Riley's friends," she greeted us. I could practically feel Maya rolling her eyes beside me, even if I couldn't see her directly. "Now, I want you to know that this is really hard for me to do, because I don't really like you very much, but I'm doing this because I'm worried about Lucas. As you remember, he got into a fight with my brother on Friday at the party."

"I think the whole world knows by now. Someone posted a video on YouTube like the second it happened," Maya chimed in, and Merritt turned to glare at her.

"Anyway, he's been getting into fights. He's been distant. And I still don't think he's gone in to see his brother yet," Merritt twisted her hands together and bit her bottom lip.

"Well, yeah because he knows about you two sneaking around," Maya snapped, and I turned to slap her on the arm.

"Maya!" I hissed, and Merritt's eyes went wide.

"He... He knows?" Merritt muttered, looking like she was about to be sick.

"Yes, he knows. But he was willing to make things work, after everything that happened with Holden and the accident," I assured her, as I turned to glare at Maya.

"Okay," Merritt breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, I was hoping that you could talk to him. I think that it would do a lot of good for him to at least see Holden."

I was planning on not talking to Lucas for the rest of my life. But he needed me. And I still cared about him.

"Yeah, I'll try, Merritt," I agreed, and Merritt beamed at me, her shiny white teeth gleaming in the sunlight. "But I can't promise anything. He and I aren't exactly on good terms right now."

"Is it because you're tutoring my brother now and kicked Lucas to the curb like a piece of nasty old trash?"

"Something like that, yeah," I glanced down at my shoes, trying to avoid her eyes.

"Well, do your best," Merritt gave one sharp nod and turned to head back to her gaggle of minions. "Oh! And vote Haynes and Friar for homecoming court!"

"I hate her," Maya muttered, and I hopped off of the wall and landed onto the sidewalk with a thud.

"You're talking to him now?" Farkle wanted to know, and I spun back around to face both of them.

"If I have to do this, I'd rather get it over with," I pivoted on my heel to head towards Lucas, afraid that if I didn't talk to him now, I never would.

I kept my eyes straight ahead, focusing on the task at hand. As I approached Lucas and his friends, I tried to avoid the questioning looks they were throwing in my direction.

"Riley," Lucas whispered, and I stood up straighter, trying to exude as much confidence as I could muster.

"You need to go see your brother," I blurted out, without wasting any time on small talk.

"I can't do that, Riley," he adjusted his backpack, without making eye contact with me.

"Look, I know you're angry with him for what he's done in the past with Merritt, but he's your brother, Lucas, and he just got into a terrible accident! Even if you think he's a horrible brother, you still need to - "

"Riley, you don't get it!" Lucas raised his voice, and a few of our classmates looked in our direction. "I can't go see him because I was a terrible brother to him!"

I gave him a confused look, and his expression softened. He gently put his hand on the small of my back to lead me to a quieter location.

"I was supposed to protect him. I was supposed to be there for him, but I wasn't! And then he got hurt. How can I face him, knowing that I broke my promise to him? That I had a chance to make things better with him right before the accident, but chose to avoid him instead?"

"Lucas..." I reached out to touch his arm, but he pulled away quickly.

"I can't go see him, Riley," Lucas shook his head as he started to back away from me. "And I'd really appreciate if everyone would stop asking me to."

With that, Lucas hurried off in the opposite direction to disappear into the school. I knew that deep down, Lucas needed to hear from his brother - somehow, some way. And I knew that I needed to do whatever I could to make that happen.

I stood in the doorway of Holden Friar's hospital room, thinking about what I was going to say to him. We had never met before, but I had seen him in a few musicals our school put on last year and thought that he was nothing short of amazing. He was skinnier than Lucas, but they had the same eyes and that type of smile that kind of breaks your heart because it's so genuine and beautiful. He also had that larger-than-life sense about him, just as Lucas did. Like he lived as though he was untouchable and unfailingly invincible. Now, as I took in his broken leg and scratched up face, it occurred to me that he was neither of those things. None of us were.

"Holden?" My voice sounded so small, so unlike my own, and for a second I wasn't sure if I had actually spoken the words aloud. Holden turned his head in my direction and immediately sat up straighter in his bed.

"Hey, you're not my regular nurse," Holden smirked, and I took a few steps closer. "She's not nearly as pretty. Not to mention the huge, hairy mole, right about here that I pretend that I'm not staring at, even though I totally am. That thing is huge." Holden gestured to the right side of his cheek, right below his eye.

"Hi, I'm Ril -"

"Riley Matthews," Holden smiled even wider, and I raised my eyebrows at him. "I know who you are. Merritt goes on and on about you every time she comes to visit. She's threatened by you, you know."

"Merritt Haynes is threatened by me? How is that even possible?" I scoffed, and he waved for me to come closer to him.

"Because my brother is in love with you, obviously," Holden stated, matter-of-factly.

"Lucas is not in love with me," I argued. "We're just friends. Not even friends, really - I just tutor him."

"Now, from what I've heard, you're a pretty smart girl. And if you believe that, I will seriously question everything," Holden joked.

I pulled the green-striped chair sitting in the corner of the room, closer to the bed and sat down. I glanced up at Holden, and my breath nearly caught in my throat. Sitting there, that close to him, he looked more similar to Lucas than I had previously thought. It was almost unnerving, but I shook it off as best I could.

"How are you feeling?" I rubbed my hands together, and then set them firmly on my knees, determined not to let my old nervous habit get the better of me.

"I'm better," Holden nodded, although he didn't look as sure about that as he sounded. "The doctor said I should make a full recovery... It'll just take a lot of time and physical therapy."

"That's great, Holden," I smiled up at him, trying my best to sound upbeat and positive. Holden nodded and swallowed hard, looking down at his hands placed neatly on the blanket in front of him.

"How's Lucas?"

"He's good," I told him. I must not have sounded very convincing because Holden pursed his lips at me, as if he saw right through my lies. "Not so good. He thinks he's been a terrible brother. That he's broken a promise to you somehow. I think he's just afraid to face you."

"A terrible brother? How has he been a terrible brother?" Holden turned to face me as best he could, and I leaned in closer to him.

"The way he's been around you recently," I explained. "Distant, moody, kind of like he'd rather be anywhere but in the same room as you."

"Yeah, that sounds familiar," Holden muttered. "What's with that by the way?"

"Well, you and Merritt..." I trailed off, waiting for him to catch on before I had to finish the sentence.

"He knows?" Holden's eyes went wide, and I glanced down at the floor.

"Oh yeah," I nodded solemnly. "Holden, I know we don't really know each other, and I'm probably way out of line, but I have to ask - why did you do it? He's your brother, why would you go after his girlfriend?"

"What?" Holden gasped.

"You guys have been sneaking around for months. You had to know that Lucas would notice eventually," I informed him, starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with this whole conversation.

"Merritt and I were sneaking around, I guess, but we weren't cheating," he assured me. "I'll admit, I've had a crush on her for awhile, but Merritt's made it very clear that we're just friends. And I would never hurt him like that."

"Then what were you guys doing?"

"Merritt was helping me out with something. Something that I've wanted for awhile now. And I was helping her out too, in a way," Holden paused before continuing, taking a deep breath as he processed everything that had been said. "That's why he's been so distant? He really thought that I would do that to him?"

"Honestly, I think he's been pretty lost lately," I explained.

"Yeah, I guess we've all been a little lost," Holden agreed. "Ever since Jessica Evans died last year."

My heart stopped at the sound of her name as I remembered the newspaper on Jensen's wall.

"Holden, you don't think Lucas... You know," I sputtered out, unable to say the words out loud.

"Had anything to do with it? Not a chance. My brother may be a little lost, but he still has the kindest, purest heart of anyone I know. He'd never do anything to hurt her." Holden watched my eyes dart to the floor, and my hands twist together nervously. "But you were starting to doubt him, weren't you?"

"I think I've been a little lost too," I admitted, my voice barely a whisper. I rose from the chair and smiled at Holden. "Anyway, I'm really glad you're okay, Holden. And so is Lucas. He'll come see you when he's ready, okay? Just give him a little more time."

"I've always had faith in my brother, Riley," Holden's eyes lit up as he took his hand in mine."You should too."

Holden gave my hand a reassuring squeeze before I turned to walk out of the room. I might not have taken the path I normally would have taken a year ago. Not by becoming Lucas' tutor, not by kissing Jensen Haynes, and not by allowing myself to be sucked into a world I didn't think I could ever be a part of. But those are the paths I chose for myself. It didn't mean they were the wrong ones, or even the only one. And maybe I truly was lost. But I had to have faith that I would find my way back to whoever I was meant to be. And I owed it to Lucas to do the same for him.