The sky is grey here. Hills everywhere. Driving from Spain to Italy. I don't remember how I got to Europe. It is clearly different from Thailand. In the foliage. The animals. The buildings. Even the road signs. There are so many differences all over the world it makes my head feel full. How can I ever know them all? Is that even what I want? Will I ever have the opportunity? Or will the general win first?
I am sick and he says he will fix it. He swears it. However, the truth must be faced: he is not knowledgeable on psycho power. He can not undo this.
The rain comes. The windshield is fogging up and this presents a minor threat to our safety but I do not express that. I am too tired.
He asks me how I feel. I look at him. Too weak to try to express myself with words. They are more difficult to use every day and his response is always the same: 'I will fix it.' I look to the windshield, covered in fog. I mark it three times. Dash. Dash. Curved line. Two eyes, and upturned lips. A smile-I will be fine. It is perhaps the first lie I have ever told because I realise that when I die it will hurt him. I struggle to understand why that should motivate me to lie. I am made to hurt others. It is my purpose.
It was my purpose.
He glances at what I've drawn but doesn't say anything else. I put my head back on the window and the fog begins to clear from the glass. I don't know where we're going and I feel too weak to ask. Could I even make my voice do what I want it to now?
But he says he will fix it.
Fix it? Oh supper! I was supposed to fix supper but I fell asleep! Oh well. It's only me that needs feeding so it's not that much of a problem. I'll just heat up a can of soup.
Wait, was I going somewhere? Can't think of where I'd have to go this time of night. Was I sick or something? Going to the doctor, maybe? No, I feel fine really. So maybe I dreamed it while napping. That's probably it.
I put on the television. There's something worth watching, I'm sure. I like to see documentaries because they know everything on there. I learned about primates in Africa yesterday. That's like monkeys and apes and stuff. Did you know they've taught some of them sign language? And that not so long ago people just thought they were thoughtless little robots, basically? Well we know that isn't true now, and that's good, but some of them still get experimented on and I feel bad for them.
Well, sometimes there aren't documentaries on. But movies...those are just as good I think. I flick around a few channels just to compare and settle on the best looking thing. Terrorists have taken people hostage and it's up to John McClane to get them free. It's sort of exciting. I mean when it's just pretend, which movies are. And this movie is just so exciting that I almost burned my soup because I forgot about it.
Oh I've done other stuff with my day obviously besides nap and eat. I've almost finished my first week of work. It's mostly training and stuff but it's alright. People there say I learn quick so I feel a bit good about myself. Now I know a lot of the basics of what's expected of me here. Mostly we collect intelligence in places which seem to be brewing up any sort of threats to the UK or even some other parts of the world. Sometimes we work with other agencies like the CIA. That's like an American version of what I do I think. Or Interpol which, if you look at the word, it's like they squishes together a summary of what it is to make its name-'international police'. Clever, right?
I learned also that most all of what I do has to be kept very secret, that I can't tell anyone. It could end up that someone makes friends with me to get me to talk about the secret stuff I might end up knowing, and that could threaten national security. That part's a little intimidating because how will I know if a friend I've made isn't really a friend? I like to think it'd be obvious, but maybe not. I felt a bit better because the lady explaining all this to me says she hasn't really heard of it happening too often, but it's just something to be aware of. Besides, I haven't really got any proper friends just yet. But I'm sure that will change.
I got all kinds of IDs and other clearance and paperwork out of the way, which actually gave a lot of folks there a bit of a laugh because so much of it was blank. It didn't make me laugh, though. Someone complained that it didn't seem 'safe' to allow someone in my 'condition' to become a member of MI6. He made me feel a bit bad about myself, because he said I could be a 'plant'. Somebody else argued it was a stupid idea because what organization would send a plant with such an obvious attention grabbing issue as being unable to completely remember anything about themselves. I didn't have a whole lot to say about it, just saying if I was a plant I don't remember being told that, and that I'd be pretty useless then. I also said it wasn't too fun not being able to remember anything and that it made me pretty annoyed to talk about it with them. They said that's fine and the fellow arguing in my favour said he hopes everything turns out alright for me and I get my memory back. It was nice of him to say.
After all of this stuff with rules and forms and orientations and even such simple bits as when I can go for lunch, I got to shadow a few people to learn the way the place works. I followed an older lady around. Her name was Alice. She was okay, mostly all business which I suppose I should be too so I was. She only got exasperated with me a few times for not understanding a couple of things she thought I should know at my age.
I was told also I'd be taught computer skills. Not just how to use one to do shopping or something. But more real skills. I don't even own a computer of my own yet but she said I can practice basic exercises at the library. There's nothing specific to the job about the practice, so it's okay if I do it in a public place. And this is what I meant by her getting exasperated because I asked her what a library was, exactly, and she sighed at me. It's a place with loads of books you can borrow for a bit for free and computers you can use for a bit, if you're wondering.
But anyway, as you can tell, I've been kept pretty busy by work. I don't mind it. It's nice to have something fill your day, especially for me because otherwise I just go in circles wondering about who I am, how I got to Italy, why I know how to fight so well, where I'm really from, if I have any friends somewhere missing me, where my parents are or if they're even still around. Or if they even want me still.
No, no, no sense in thinking like that. I can't change what's already happened, and just have to work on what's ahead of me.
Anyway, the last thing about this job is that I got to meet the people I'll be working with most closely. I already met Colonel Wolfman. He's the whole reason I have this job. Apparently he's been with MI6 for a long time so he's quite influential and trusted. Guess that's why they've allowed someone like me to work with them. He's quite nice. Even though he's quite big I don't feel intimidated by him. He's the leader of the team and he acts like it.
Beyond that, there's Matthew McCoy. He's also big, taller even than the Colonel, but he's very friendly. Everyone in the group has an expertise, and his is longer range guns. He's an expert sniper apparently. Next is Lita Luwanda, who intimidated me most at first. She seemed very serious, angry almost. But then we spoke and she seemed perfectly nice, so I guess that shows me I shouldn't be quick to guess what people are like based on how they look. She specialises in melee weapons. And finally there's George Ginzu. I think he was most talkative of everyone, even though I didn't have time to speak much with anyone. He's very good with computers and he said if I pay attention he might be able to make me 'as good as him one day'. I'll have to see about that.
They're all quite easy to talk to there. Lita and Ginzu call me 'Goldilocks' on account of my hair. Least that's what they said. I asked them who Goldilocks was and they both seemed shocked I didn't know and I'm getting the feeling that I'm going to get tired of things like that. People being irritated or surprised at me for not knowing stuff. McCoy made a joke that I should wear a badge or something declaring my 'ignorance' and that made me angry. I almost said some rather mean things to him before the Colonel stepped in and told him, "Don't let me hear you say again. You wouldn't call someone with cancer lazy, why would you call someone with a memory condition ignorant?" McCoy said sorry and I guess I felt a bit better when he said he didn't mean it as an insult, that he just didn't know how else to say that I don't know a lot of things.
The whole thing made me angry for a bit before I realised I'm actually sad about it. I want to know things, it's just that when I ask, people tend to react poorly in some way. I never get a straight answer. I tried reading books but it's really difficult to pay attention and I find it much easier to listen to people talk. It's why I like documentaries because I can learn by people talking at me. And the telly doesn't call me ignorant for wanting to know something.
The stuff about cammy's job was found by the briefest of glances at the sis website. i know these two chapters are less interesting stuff but i want to establish where she is and maybe show how she's feeling about her situation before i get into things.