"Have a minute?" Allen asked, making Lavi look up from the book he'd be reading. The white haired youth smiled apologetically and sat beside Lavi when he nodded, looking up at the sky above them.
"I guess so." Lavi said, bumping his shoulder against Allen's lightly. The boy had developed something of a knack for evading Link for just long enough to hold a conversation it seemed, because he was alone again.
The sun was setting over the small leisure area on the top of the tower and the impressive view usually drew more people but a light rain in the early afternoon had driven off most of the usuals.
Allen stayed silent for several beats, frowning uncharacteristically. Lavi kept his eye trained to him, committing the curve of his cheek to memory unconsciously. The deep red of the scar on his cheek looked rough to the touch and- not for the first time- Lavi found himself carefully restraining himself from raising a hand to trace it.
"I'm… kind of. struggling right now." Allen said finally, looking down at his lap.
"You?"
"Haha, yeah." He paused, glancing at Lavi, then at the door. Lavi followed his gaze and saw an annoyed Howard Link stop mid stride. Lavi glanced at his friend who tilted his head a little, and the Crow sighed, turning and vanishing around a corner.
"Is it to do with him?"
Allen shook his head, rubbing his face, "No, but… I think he can tell? He's a hard read."
"I'll say. So what's up?" Lavi took a moment to bookmark the text and close it, looking up at his friend.
"I…" He bit his lip and looked away, looking for words. Lavi stretched on the bench a bit, holding in a yawn.
"Sorry."
"No need to be sorry, Allen." Lavi's voice was softer than he'd intended but it seemed to help. He could see a little bit of the tension in Allen's shoulders melt.
"I've been… sort of. I guess… worried about the future. and… and the past too."
"Those are two pretty broad categories. I'd probably be better off helping with the past though. Kinda my schtick." That drew a little smile to Allen's face, "Maybe you could tell me a bit more, though?"
Allen nodded, turning something over in his mind, "After… I lost my arm I… was pretty hopeless, for a bit, I guess. But, then I got it back and…" His voice dropped to a quiet murmur that left Lavi straining to hear, "I think, for the first time I thought maybe I wouldn't… die so young."
Lavi blinked. Allen continued.
"I mean, of course, exorcists don't… usually last forever. I know. I've accepted that I couldn't- that I wouldn't… be like Tiedoll or Bookman ever. Even Komui, probably. But… But with crown clown I thought maybe… Maybe there was a chance that I wouldn't die in whatever showdown that this all ends in."
Lavi hummed a little, considering that, "But…?"
"But… with… the ark and Mana's… past. I don't know what anything I've done up till now means anymore. I don't understand what's happening, or why it's happening. It feels like whatever hope I had is gone and I feel like I'm left even without what kept me going before."
Lavi nodded slowly, leaning to the side and putting his arm around Allen who jumped a little, looking up from his lap. The redhead smiled sympathetically and glanced away, squeezing Allen lightly.
"I… I understand."
Allen leaned his head on Lavi's shoulder, and Lavi felt his own heart flutter in his chest a little. He swallowed and rubbed Allen's arm gently, feeling himself look for more words to comfort the younger boy.
"I dunno what else to say, Al. I… I've sort of been struggling with something like that too though, since you- um. well, I guess around the same time." Lavi felt Allen shift to look up at him and deliberately turned his head away, face flushed. His mouth was a little dry.
"That's comforting but… if it feels like anything I feel about the whole thing, I'm sorry." Allen said softly, and Lavi was glad he wore a scarf. He thought that Allen must be close enough that his breath would have lingered on Lavi's neck as he spoke.
"I think… the root's real different but the questioning is probably more or less the same? I dunno though, I'm not good at guessing that kind of thing."
They quieted for a few minutes and Lavi closed his eyes, not wanting to let go of Allen when he shifted away and looked out over the edge of the guard rail. He did, after a moment.
"I'm sorry to… come and be depressing." Allen smiled a little, eyes still on the horizon, "I didn't really think I could explain this to anyone else."
"I'm glad you did." Allen looked at Lavi questioningly for a moment, "Come here and be depressing that is." Allen smiled again and nodded.
"What do you think?" He asked.
"About?"
"What I said."
"Do you mean what I think will happen?" Allen nodded and Lavi considered his answer, taking in Allen's face. His gut coiled at the idea of lying to him, so Lavi turned his eye away for a moment.
"I think that… People are funny." Allen raised an eyebrow at that and Lavi raised his hands, "You're probably right to feel hopeless or cheated or whatever. Things never go as smoothly as we'd like. But, I also am pretty sure that you're going to keep going regardless. Partially because you don't know what else to do, and partially because you're doing the right thing."
"You think I'm doing the right thing?"
Lavi shrugged, "The right thing can mean a lot of things." Allen seemed to consider that, fiddling with the glove on his left hand.
"Okay, I think I understand."
"You sure I wasn't goin' too fast for ya?" Lavi said, leaning in and raising his eyebrow meaningfully. Allen rolled his eyes and gave him a light punch to the shoulder.
"I'm being serious here."
"Me too! I'm offended you think I'm not serious."
Allen cracked another smile at Lavi and shook his head with an exasperated sigh. They both leaned in a little before Lavi leaned right back, turning away and crossing his arms with a huff.
"Oh don't give me that, you're not mad at all."
"I'm enraged."
"Uh huh."
"Allen, you don't take me seriously."
Allen laughed and shook his head, looking down and smiling, eyes crinkling in a way that made Lavi's heart flutter again. He rubbed his chest lightly and sighed loudly, looking up and pulling a face.
"I guess I'll forgive you though, because I'm literally a saint."
"Yeah, you're a saint and Cross is my uncle." They both laughed at that, and allen shook his head, "How much longer do you think I have before Link drags me off?"
Lavi leaned over Allen's shoulder to look, seeing the blonde lurking near the corner with his face as constipated looking as ever.
"Hmm, I'd give it five minutes or so? Maybe ten if you pout." Allen Huffed and Lavi grinned, pointing at him, "Yes, just like that!" Allen slapped the hand away and wrinkled his nose.
"Oh uh, before I forget." He said, making Lavi blink, "Thanks."
"Thanks?"
"For listening, you know." He smiled sheepishly and Lavi rolled his one eye dramatically before giving the boy a look.
"You don't have to thank me, Beansprout."
"You're making me wish I didn't, Cyclops." Lavi gasped and grabbed Allen, giving him a noogie as he complained loudly, drawing Link over to them with a stern look on his face.
"Are you two just about done?" He said and Lavi hummed, tapping a finger to his chin with one hand and keeping his other arm around the whining and struggling Allen.
"Almost, just like, three more noogies."
"Lavi!"
The redhead laughed and released Allen to Link's custody. He huffed and puffed as he smoothed out his hair and Lavi thought he might have caught Link's lip twitching upwards the slightest bit.
"We've got a schedule for the rest of the day, Walker."
"Yes, I know." He sighed, and looked at Lavi, "Talk to you later."
"I'll be around." Lavi said reassuringly, and the pair once again left him as the sun took its final bow below the horizon. He continued to sit there even though it was long past too dark to read and frowned.
An ache settled somewhere in his chest as he mulled over everything in his mind. Lavi sighed and laid out on the bench, looking up as the stars started to wink into the sky and stare down at him coldly.
He wondered idly what his Master would say if he discovered that Lavi had fallen hopelessly for a subject of their study. He couldn't even really point out the exact moment that had set him on this path. As far as lavi could remember- which was very well- He'd done everything right. He'd behaved in a way that was coherent with both the persona he had crafted and the standards he'd been trained in. He'd kept consistent, unbiased logs. He'd interacted just as deeply with other people had had no problem.
And now he was in love with a doomed boy.
His hand drifted to just over his jacket's pocket. He couldn't feel it, but he traced the outline of where the card laid over his heart and wondered why it was Allen, of all people. His heart beat fast and hard in his chest and he briefly wondered how long Allen would even be alive from this point before he squashed the thought.
Pain made him squeeze his eyes shut anyway and Lavi felt as if he'd been stabbed for a second. Slowly, he breathed in and let it out. Allen wasn't long for this earth, he knew. They both did.
Lavi thought perhaps he could still be a Bookman if he did not indulge. If he held himself back and let the rest of Allen's life run its course, he could fall back into the familiar ways of before. He wouldn't fall into such a trap again. He looked up at the unforgiving stars and wondered how much it would hurt when Allen died.
"Lavi" Would have to die that day too. Bookman junior could live through that, but Lavi didn't think he could.
A/N: Well here is a very late chapter two. way to go me.