Just a College Girl Chapter 25
Weak Moment
Author's Note: I know it's been quite a while but I got out of the game for a while and I've finally got around to this again. Look forward to any feedback.
I don't get it. I don't get how she could do this to me. Aren't I enough for her? Doesn't she love me enough to be with me like we've always been? Why does she have to care what I decide to do with my life? What does it matter what I do with my life? Isn't that my decision to make? Can't she just let me make it and love me no matter what I decide?
I don't understand why everyone has to be so concerned with my future and what's best for me. It's like, everyone around me won't shut up about it when all I really want to do is go away and not have to think about it for a while. Buffy's concerned about it. My teachers and school councilors are constantly talking about it in school. Most of my friends were all talking about it before everything happened with that demon. And every time I called Xander, or Willow or Giles for advice on something, unless there's an apocalypse or something, the subject of my future always seemed to come up one way or another.
I thought Faith was different though. We almost never talked about it. And when we did, I was the one that brought it up. She always made me feel so good that way. Almost like I could talk to her about absolutely everything without having to worry that she'd look at me funny or hate me. That didn't really stop me from freaking out about all sorts of different things like what happened with that guy Craig a while back, but it made me feel safer than I do with Buffy or anyone else. Now all of the sudden it's like my future and what I do with it is the absolute most important thing in the world to her and she's not gonna let me decide for myself.
It doesn't make any sense. Why does she have to care so much? Why does it have to matter so much what I do with my life? I thought the whole point of me having so many choices is that I got to choose for myself what I wanted to do. But no one seems to want to let me do that. They all seem to think I should do what they think is right, instead of what I think is right. Not that I really have any idea what I think is right, but with everyone telling me what's right, how the hell am I supposed to figure it out for myself? Faith was the only person I thought I could think for myself around. But now that's not really true anymore.
Maybe Faith isn't as great as I thought she was. Maybe we're not as meant to be as I keep feeling like we are when I'm around her. If we were meant to be then she'd be able to get past this whole 'what's best for me' thing and just be with me for me. She wouldn't be so concerned about where my life is going and what I'm going to do with it. None of that would matter and we'd just be... us. But she's not. She's being all noble and trying to do 'what's right'. I kinda hate her a little for that. But what the hell could I ever do about it?
"Mmm, cookie dough..."
Looking up from the couch, I see Candy taking a bite of one of the cookie dough tubes she has in her hands as she comes over here.
"I love cookie dough. It always tastes so good no matter what."
She plops herself down on the couch next to me, suddenly getting a little embarrassed.
"Sorry, went a little Homer Simpson on you there for a second. Here."
My best friend hands me the uneaten tube of cookie dough and I take it, looking down at it mindlessly for a second.
I don't know why she's giving me this exactly, but it'll probably help. I always feel better after eating cookie dough.
Opening it, I take a huge first bite, the taste of it instantly giving me a good feeling.
Mmm...
"Soom goodlef..."
Candy takes a smaller bite as she seems to watch me chewing.
"Yeah, I know. There's nothing a good hunk of cookie dough can't make better eh?"
She's right about that. I still hurt like hell after what Faith did to me, but eating this makes it feel less horrible. Instead of the deep, gnawing black hole running through me every second, it feels a little bit like a bad skin rash that didn't stop at the skin. Well, at least I feel better... I guess.
"It's gonna go straight to my thighs, but I think I put enough pounds on by eating this almost non-stop during my recovery, against doctor's orders, so I don't think it really matters all that much."
This is good. She's probably the one person who won't make me talk about something I don't want to. Candy doesn't like to talk about Faith with me and she's pretty much had her entire future decided for her already because of who she is. It's perfect.
"How's that going anyway? Are you still feeling a hundred percent?"
She shrugs.
"I'm okay for the most part. I get kinda nauseous whenever I train sometimes, but the doctors say that'll fade eventually."
There's a moment where she pauses.
"I kinda wish the demon had managed to survive long enough for me to get back out there and kick its ass though. Would've been nice to put my fists to it and make it pay for what it did to Carmen."
She wishes I hadn't gone and gotten the demon killed.
"Right... sorry..."
I take another bite of my cookie dough when a kind of uncomfortable silence falls over us.
"Sorry... that wasn't what I meant to say. I'm glad the demon's dead. It deserved it for what it did to Carmen, and what it tried to do to me. But... sometimes I wish we could've tied it up and tortured it for a couple weeks or something... would make me feel a lot better. I'm sure Buffy and Faith would say that's 'the wrong thing to do' though."
The sound of her name makes me kinda squeeze the tube in my hand a fair bit.
"Yeah well, can't do anything about it now. Probably best to just forget about it and be thankful that the damn thing can't hurt anyone else."
Candy looks at me for a bit and then takes a bite of her cookie dough after responding.
"I guess..."
Neither of us says anything for a while and we just enjoy the slightly uncomfortable silence between us.
Okay, so maybe coming to see Candy wasn't as good an idea as I thought. It's only making me feel a little bit better.
"So... how's Faith?"
Looking up at my best friend, the sudden mention of my slayer girlfriend makes me wanna knock Candy into next week.
"I mean... sorry... bad question, I... I was trying to say, how's things with Faith? I heard from some of the other girls that you guys had a fight a couple days ago. You okay?"
And suddenly that little bit of good, disappears.
"I... I don't wanna talk about it."
"Right... sorry..."
Just when I start to think that's gonna be the end of it...
"Well, if it helps, as much as I respect all the things that Faith has done and how she saved my life and everything, I think she's being a total bitch and an idiot for doing this to you."
Okay... that makes me feel almost good.
"Thanks..."
"Why the hell is she doing it anyway? I'm not exactly clear on the details."
Fine, we'll talk about it.
"Well, I thought it was because I didn't tell her about the demon wanting The Key thing. She was pretty upset about that. But apparently I'm an idiot cause that's not why."
I pause for a second and try and calm myself down a little when I start to feel like I might cry.
"Now all the sudden she cares about my future, and thinks I'm wasting it because I wanna stick around close to home when I go to college."
God I just feel like hurting her sometimes.
Candy doesn't say anything.
"She said I... I might have some big destiny out there waiting, for me and I'm not going after it by staying here."
Faith was supposed to be different. She's supposed to be the one that doesn't try and run my life and tell me how I need to live.
"It's almost like... all of the sudden, I'm not good enough for her just because I'm not trying to go after what everyone else wants."
"That's stupid."
"I know, but... I don't know. I can't help thinking that, maybe... maybe the reason I don't want to and don't try to be that much better than I am, is because, I'm not."
My best friend looks at me strangely.
"Not what?"
"Better. Maybe there isn't more to me than what you see. Maybe I'm just me and that's it. What if there's nothing else worth anything about me than being with Faith?"
"I'm sorry what?"
"What if... I don't have a bigger destiny than this? What if there's nothing out there waiting for me like everyone seems to think there is except a big long boring life with nothing to look forward to?"
Tears start to sting the corners of my eyes.
"What if I'm nobody?"
My best friend suddenly decides to step in.
"Hey, you're not nobody."
Yeah, right...
"Whatever..."
She sits up on the couch next to me.
"You're not."
Her eyes are on me and eventually I get up the guts to look at her with tears in my eyes.
"I know you're not nobody Dawn. And you know how?"
This should be a load of crap.
"How?"
"Because... about a year ago I probably would've agreed with you. I probably would've said you were nobody and you didn't deserve to have as much as you do. But you know what? That changed. And you know why?"
Like it matters...
"Why?"
"Because of you..."
"Yeah right..."
"No, it's true Dawn. You had the guts to stand up and say that you weren't nobody and you deserved to be treated like everybody else. And that changed my mind. YOU changed my mind."
She sounds like she really believes that. What if she's right? What if I'm really not nobody?
Wiping the tears out of my eyes, I smile because she's made me feel a little better.
"I... I don't know, I guess maybe you're right."
"I know I am."
We smile at each other.
She's a good friend.
"Thanks..."
Then I lean over and hold out my arms to hug her, she thankfully does the same, squeezing me tightly when we hug.
God did I need someone who isn't always worried about what's best for me to talk to. It makes me feel so much better.
Eventually, we pull apart, staying close as we look at each other.
She really is such a good friend.
Out of nowhere, she suddenly leans in and kisses me.
I...
Her lips are nice and soft, something it feels like I haven't felt in a really long time.
What the hell am I doing?
Almost as quickly as it started, I put my hands on her shoulders and push her away to get as much distance between us as I can. Candy looks at me kinda hurt and shocked.
"I... I'm sorry..."
Obvious much?
"You should be. What the hell was that?"
"I... I-I don't know... I just... it felt like the right thing to do."
What?
"The right thing to do? For who?"
"I, I don't know. I'm sorry. It's just... you were sad and I wanted to do make you feel better."
"So you kissed me? There are other ways you could've made me feel better Candy."
"I know... I'm sorry..."
She leans forward as she says it and I'm suddenly not very comfortable getting close to her so I get up off the couch and back away a bit.
Okay what the hell? I thought she was trying to help me. Why did she do that?
"It's just... you said you and Faith were kinda over and... and I thought... maybe..."
"That you'd take advantage of me when I was vulnerable maybe?"
The girl who just tried to kiss me stands up with me and I wanna punch her.
"NO! I... I didn't mean it like that. I didn't even mean to do it at all I just... I couldn't... I thought you were feeling it too and I wanted to do something about it. I'm sorry."
Part of me can still feel her lips on mine, so I wipe my mouth off in front of her.
"You should be. We're just friends Candy. I don't know what you thought was happening a second ago, but it didn't. I'm with Faith."
Her expression gets to be one of hurt and I don't like it.
"I'm leaving."
As I'm turning around and heading for the door, Candy says something.
"Except you're not, are you?"
I stop near the middle of her front hallway. The look on her face is more angry than hurt now.
"What?"
"With Faith... you're not with her anymore. She DUMPED you. That's the whole reason you came over here isn't it? Because Faith dumped you and you're feeling horrible about it."
She doesn't know anything.
"We're still together, technically."
"You have a pretty screwed up idea of together then. Together people don't usually need 'space'."
"We're still together and we'll be back together like we used to be."
"Maybe, but there's no way that's gonna last is there?"
"Of course it is."
"Yeah? And what happens when you tell her about the spell you did on her when she was in a coma? You haven't told her about that have you?"
I wanna say something to that but I don't know what.
"Didn't think so. Well don't come crawling to me when she dumps you again."
Why does everyone have to hurt me lately?
"Shut up Candy."
We look across the hall at each other and neither of us says anything. So I just turn around and head for the door to her parents' house. As soon as I get there, I open the door and walk out.
"I thought you wanted to help."
My eyes start to sting again with tears as I walk down the street.
I really didn't need this.
End of Chapter 25