Chapter 16 - Furry Little Problem

Remus had been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now. As the four of them descended the many stairs between the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom and the Great Hall for lunch, he thought about it a little more, and despite the knot in his stomach, came to a decision. The corridors were bustling with the hustle of other people travelling to and from classes, and even though they'd chosen a different route to the main staircase it was still easy for them to be overheard, so when he addressed his friends, he spoke in a low voice. "I've been thinking," he said, "since it's nearly time for - y'know -"

"Your furry little problem?" James suggested.

Remus smiled. "Yeah, that. I was wondering whether I should tell Lily about it."

James, Sirius and Peter all stopped walking at the exact same moment, as though they'd practised their reaction. "What?" James said. "Why?"

They were blocking the stairs, and Remus had to step aside to let an annoyed-looking seventh year past. "Well we spent a lot of time together at Christmas and I think of her as a friend now. It feels like I'm lying to her."

"But what if she tells someone?" Peter asked.

Remus shrugged, "I know it's a risk and I panicked a bit when you all found out, but I don't think Lily would tell anyone."

"She won't," Sirius said unexpectedly. "I'm sure she can keep a secret."

James shot him a curious look, but he nodded. "It seems weird because it's been our secret forever, but if you want to – I mean, you can trust her, I think. And it's not something you should even have to hide in the first place," he said forcefully, "so if you want to tell her then you should." He started walking again, putting an arm around Remus' shoulders and dragging him with him. "And if you happened to want to mention what a supportive friend I've been all these years..." Sirius hit him on the arm and he grinned. "Kidding. But seriously, I'm glad you've got her as a friend."

Remus smiled. "So am I. I guess I'll tell her tonight then, when we have prefect duty."

He must've sounded nervous because Sirius put in, "I'm sure it'll be fine, Moony. If you can handle turning into a" - he paused as a group of second-year Hufflepuffs walked past - "you know what then you can definitely cope with telling Evans about it."

As January continued in a haze of bad weather and homework, Lily started to feel better about her relationship with Petunia. All hope couldn't be lost, since she was invited to the wedding, and what Sirius said to her had, surprisingly, made her feel a lot better. She was however tired by the time prefect duty rolled around that evening and wished the weekend was closer.

She and Remus were up on the top floors that evening, and had both been surprised to find the Astronomy Tower deserted, as it was a popular place for mischief-makers and overly affectionate couples alike.

"You're quiet tonight," Lily said as they made their way back down the narrow staircase. "Is everything alright?"

It was almost 10.30, and outside the windows the grounds were completely blanketed in darkness, giving the long candle-lit hallways a slightly eerie glow. When Remus stopped walking and sat down on a nearby window ledge with a heavy sort of finality, Lily started to get worried. "I'll take that as a no then," she said and went to sit down beside him.

"There's something I need to tell you."

"Okay..." Lily said slowly. To fill the heavy silence while Remus tried to figure out what exactly to say, she asked blindly, "Have Sirius and Mary slept together again? Are you secretly in love with me? Did you set a niffler loose in my dorm?"

"If you don't want to be friends with me after I tell you this, I'll understand," Remus interrupted. He tapped his knuckles nervously and looked at Lily quickly to see her expression; she looked concerned.

"Remus, considering what you lot get up to on a daily basis, I can't imagine what you could have done that would make me hate you," she said gently. "You can tell me anything."

"It's not exactly something that happened, it's more something I am, or was turned into anyway."

Lily just shook her head, not understanding. "Remus..."

"I'm a werewolf." He blurted out the words and immediately got to his feet, fighting the urge to run away before she could react. This was a mistake. She'd hate him, or she'd tell everyone so the whole school would avoid him. How could he have ever thought he could just tell someone like that? A few months ago they'd barely even known each other…

Lily stared at him as he anxiously moved from foot to foot in front of her, refusing to meet her gaze. A werewolf? She hadn't expected that. Her brain quickly ran through any instances that could have indicated it, and she realised with a jab of horror that it did explain a few things – Remus' absences from class for one, coupled with the fact that he often looked tired and unwell. Lily had always just assumed he was prone to accidents, or had a particularly weak immune system.

She should say something, Lily realised, as Remus started to look extremely tense. But how do you respond to a bombshell like that? They'd studied werewolves last year, and Lily had been annoyed that the professor had glossed over the fact that many of them were bitten as children, and went to great lengths to protect the people around them during a full moon. She said as much in her essay, and the begrudging 'Acceptable' she'd received in return was a testament to the prejudice she knew Remus must be afraid of. Lily had grown up in the muggle world though, and although werewolves were often the villains of a fairytale, she didn't have any of the inherent prejudice that a lot of purebloods surely would about them.

"It's okay," she said at last, and not knowing what else to do, she stood up and wrapped her arms around him.

Remus froze for a second, before she felt him relax slightly, and when she drew back, he looked away sheepishly with red eyes.

"I'm sorry," Lily said. "I'm sure this is hard for you to talk about, but can I… ask you a few things?"

"Okay," he said warily. "I guess you only know what we were taught in Defence, so… what do you want to know?"

He was expecting her to ask if he was dangerous, where he transformed every month, whether he'd ever scratched or bitten everyone, what the transformations were like; instead, she simply asked, "Who else knows?"

Remus smiled wryly and realised that he really hadn't had a lot of experience with taking to people about this; his closest friends were all now familiar enough with his condition that they never worried about it - though they certainly worried about him - and so the only people who asked him questions like that were St Mungo's healers and his father.

"James, Sirius and Peter all know. They figured it out in second year." He almost added that they'd become animagi to help him, but that wasn't his secret to share.

"That's good," Lily said reassuringly. Suddenly Remus' unwavering loyalty to his friends made a lot more sense. "What about the teachers? Obviously I'm not going to tell anyone but does Madame Pomfrey help you? How -" She stopped, not quite knowing how to phrase what she wanted to ask, then she took his hand and said quietly, "How did this even happen, Remus? You're 16. I don't understand -"

He looked down at her hand, frowning. "Madam Pomfrey knows. So do McGonagall and Dumbledore." It took him several moments to compose himself before he continued, staring resolutely at the floor and keeping his voice as even as he could manage. This was not a story he'd told often, but every time he did it was a struggle not to sink into the memory, to be captured by the pain and fear he'd felt back then. He squeezed Lily's hand hard, grounding himself in the present. "Have you ever heard of Fenrir Greyback?"

She nodded, her eyes widening. "Yes, but just a rumour - that he bites children and he's more savage than human..."

"That's true enough," Remus said quietly. "He thinks werewolves are superior to other wizards and should be able to, I don't know, rule over wizards or do what they want. If anyone disagrees with him, he..." He swallowed and closed his eyes. It was easier to talk when he couldn't see Lily's anxious, pale face in front of him. "Years ago, my father spoke about werewolves at a Ministry conference. He said they deserved to die - to be put down like animals. Greyback wanted to punish him for that, so he bit me. I lost so much blood that I nearly died, but my parents got me to St Mungo's in time and they managed to save me. There was nothing they could do about the lycanthropy," he added bitterly, "nine times out of ten a werewolf bite passes on the condition. I wasn't one of the lucky few."

"Oh, Remus..."

He pulled his hand away and wiped his eyes viciously. His voice was harsh and shaking. "The first thing I remember after the attack is waking up in hospital with my parents standing over me. My mum was crying and hugging me, but my father just looked...disappointed. Because a monster like me shouldn't have lived." A tear escaped and slid stubbornly down his nose until it dripped onto his robes. "I was six."

Six. Lily felt like crying too, but she managed, for Remus' sake, to hold herself together. It was a difficult story to respond to and not a position she could ever imagine being in herself.

"I for one," she found herself saying after a second, "am so glad you lived."

Remus stifled a laugh, and looked around at her with teary eyes and a small smile. "Thanks," he said without much conviction, then stood up again, physically shaking himself and taking a long, steadying breath. "We should get back to the common room. It's gone 11."

Lily nodded and stood up too, acknowledging that he didn't want to dwell anymore on the subject that evening. After doing another quick sweep of the top floor and ordering some rogue third years back to their dormitories, they walked back in companionable silence, and Remus seemed much more composed by the time they were climbing through the portrait hole.

As was usual when they got back from patrolling, the common room was almost empty, but what was not usual was that James, Sirius and Peter were sitting at a nearby table, watching them expectantly.

"Everything alright, you two?" James asked rather obviously when they got close enough.

"Yeah," Remus nodded, too tired after their conversation to say much more. "I'm going to head up to the dorm."

James looked concerned, and all three boys rose to follow him, staring suspiciously at Lily as they passed. She ignored them, still feeling a little in shock herself, and headed towards the stairs to the girls' dorm, wondering if she had time to take a shower before going to bed. The only thing that stopped her was James' voice behind her, low and anxious.

"Hey Evans, wait a minute." He dashed over, blocking her way. After clearing his throat, he said, "Remus told you about his...condition?"

"Yes," Lily said, aware that there were still a few other people in the common room who could potentially overhear them.

"And?" James prompted. Lily had rarely seen him with such a serious expression on his face, and she realised that, for all his flirting and the embarrassing valentine's he'd sent her over the years, nothing he felt about her would matter if she wasn't supportive of Remus.

"He's my friend," Lily said simply, "it's awful, but I don't think any less of him."

Relieved, James smiled. "That's what I thought. You won't tell anyone, will you?"

"Of course not." Lily clarified.

"Of course not," he repeated. "I know you're not like that, I just needed to check, you know? For Remus."

"You're a good friend," Lily said, with a slight smile. "I'm going to bed now. Goodnight Potter."

"Right. See you tomorrow, Evans."

They each went up to their dorms, and when James reached his he found the three of them already in their pyjamas, which in Sirius' case consisted of a pair of boxers and nothing else.

"I talked to Lily," James said tentatively. "It sounds like it went well. She's not going to tell anyone."

Remus just groaned and crawled into bed, pulling the curtains shut around him.

James looked to Sirius in confusion.

"Prongs," Sirius said, with all the dignity that someone with small broomsticks on their underwear possibly could, "Remus has had a long and stressful night. If he doesn't get his rest it is highly probable that he will hex us all in our sleep."

"Ah," James said. "Time for bed then. And I'm sure tomorrow will hold far less traumatic but still slightly stressful things such as trying to transfigure a badger into a hat at 9 in the morning."

He heard Remus' muffled laugh, followed by, "Go to sleep, Prongs," from behind the curtains.

James grabbed his pyjamas from where he'd left them lying on the floor and climbed onto his bed. "Anything for you, Moony," he said, and with a whispered "nox" cast the room into a moonlit darkness.