Chapter 21 - Forgiveness

It was Sunday, sunny for a change as April dissolved rapidly into greening leaves and brighter evenings. It was also a week and a half since Sirius had been told to give Remus space, and space, he had discovered, was not easy to give when sharing a dorm and most of your classes with someone.

It was exhausting, which was actually something of a surprise – that being quiet could be so draining. Remus was talking to him, but things weren't the same, and the effort not to say anything too presumptive, anything that would make things worse, was excruciating.

James had calmed significantly, which Sirius had a feeling was because his parents were cajoling him into keeping an eye on him, and was back to joking around a little more, but the distance with Remus was pronounced and unsettling. He'd been out of the common room all morning, choosing instead to do work in the library, although Sirius had a sneaking suspicion that they didn't have that much work to do, and that he was simply trying to avoid him. Over Christmas, when Remus was back at the castle, Sirius hadn't felt it as much, but when Remus was going out of his way to spend as little time as possible in his company, it was strangely painful. Although Sirius was fairly certain that things would resolve themselves eventually, he was desperate to move the forgiving along and get everything back to normal.

James and Pete were up in the dorm, but Sirius had left only minutes after going up to join them. He didn't really feel like talking to either of them - it felt weird without Remus there, like he was cheating in some way by spending time with them when he was still, for lack of a better term, in the doghouse. Plus when he'd tried to ask for their advice he was met with shrugs and comments of "he'll come round", which in Sirius' mind, simply wouldn't do. So he climbed down the stairs to the common room, hoping that he could find someone who might know more than him about making things up to someone, and who would hopefully be able to point him in the right direction.

The first person he spotted was Mary, sitting alone by the fire with a cup of tea warming her hands and a magazine floating in front of her. Sirius made his way over to her, grabbing the magazine as he went and sitting down on the table in front of her.

"Hello," he said with a small smile, "as you may have there is a current rupture between your four favourite Gryffindors. I thought maybe you'd be able to help."

"Well, you were a bit of a dick," she said mildly, plucking the magazine back out of his hand. "And I was reading that."

"You don't even know what happened!" Sirius said, confused.

"Ah," Mary replied, "But I did have to endure at least three of Lily's very long and cryptic rants about you, so you've certainly done something to piss her off."

"Is she furious?" he asked with some concern. James was predictable in his anger, and ultimately Sirius doubted there was anything he could do that was bad enough to not be forgiven, Remus was quiet and frustrating and Peter didn't seem to get all that angry at all. Lily however was uncharted territory, and she and Remus had grown close over the last few months.

"Honestly? Yes. And she's likely to stay that way for a while - Lily Evans is a hell of a grudge holder. She didn't talk to me for a month in second year when I copied off her homework and she got in trouble for it." She patted his arm in a way that was almost certainly intended to be patronising. "You'll be making this up to her for a long while, my friend. Although, from what little sense I could make of the rants, it sounds like it's Remus you need to make things up to. I reckon once he's okay with you, Lily will be too."

"That's the problem." Sirius sighed, shrugging Mary's arm off as he stood, "I have no idea how to make this up to him."

"You could try actually asking him," Mary suggested, rolling her eyes. "And by the way, watch out for itching powder in your clothes. Lily's got me with that one way too many times."

"Itching powder?" Sirius repeated dubiously as he glanced around the common room for someone else who would hopefully provide better, and less confrontational, advice. He'd never pegged Evans as one to revenge prank someone. Maybe she and James really were more compatible that they seemed to think.

Benjy and Marlene - who was presumably avoiding revising for her NEWT exams - were sitting on the other side of the room, engrossed in a game of chess. Sirius eyed them cautiously as he approached, not sure if they were the best people to go to with his problems. Still, he had nothing to lose, so he stopped beside their table, folded his arms across his chest defiantly, and asked "how do you stop someone being mad at you when you did something really stupid?"

"You on about Lupin?" Marlene asked.

When Sirius looked surprised, Benjy cheerfully added, "Everyone knows he's mad at you. James too, though he seems to have cooled off a bit now."

"And I heard that Evans is likely to rip you a new one."

"Does everyone in the bloody house know about my personal life?" Sirius demanded, feeling more frustrated than ever.

"Queen to C5," Marlene said, then smirked as her chess piece hit Benjy's knight over the head with her sceptre. "I dunno why you're so bothered, Black. It'll blow over, and until then you've got Potter and Pettigrew."

"No," Sirius said immediately. "I mean I do, but it's not the same thing, you don't get it."

She shrugged. "If you say so."

"He likes those new Honeydukes bars, right?" Benjy said, smiling. "Get him chocolate - gifts always soften people up."

"Hmm," Sirius replied noncommittally. "I suppose that could work." Though he didn't exactly feel like sneaking out of the castle just to get chocolate, not when he was in so much trouble already, and the next Hogsmede weekend was still two weeks away. "Thanks."

Feeling defeated, Sirius turned away from them, thinking that he might head down to the kitchens in search of something that could cheer him up. Maybe they'd even have some sort of chocolate for Remus, and Benjy might be right, a peace offering was better than nothing. Just as he was about to step through the portrait hole though, Chloe strolled over to him, smiling eagerly. Her expression changed slightly when she saw his face, and she asked, "Still in trouble with everyone?" with a grin that Sirius didn't particularly think fitted the occasion.

"Yes," he said simply. "Any ideas on how to make it all go away?"

"Beg? Bribe them? Drown your sorrows in firewhiskey?" She laughed. "Nah, I don't have a clue to be honest. I barely know Remus, although judging by how bothered you are he must be pretty cool." Standing on her tiptoes to look over his shoulder to where Benjy and Marlene were still sitting, she added, "Were you just talking to Benjy about it? What did he say?"

"Said to get Remus chocolate," Sirius said, realising as he said it out loud that Benjy's suggestion sounded a little strange. "Don't think that'll work though," he sighed, hesitating at the portrait hole. "Maybe I'll just sod this and try talking to him again."

"Awesome," Chloe replied. There was a loud groan from the other side of the room and they both looked round. "I think Benjy just lost that game. I'll go see if he wants to play another with me. Good luck with Remus!"

"Yeah," Sirius said absently as she dashed away from him. He'd made up his mind. To the library it was; Remus had to give him a chance to apologise properly, and if he still didn't want to talk after that well... he'd just have to deal with it.

It was approaching the time of year when the library was full of fifth and seventh years revising for their exams, and Remus had at first wondered whether he still looked ill enough for someone to give up their seat, but after doing a circuit of the library he found himself a small, wobbly table crammed in between two bookshelves.

He didn't particularly have anything to do, but it was that or sit awkwardly with one or more of his friends, who were still being irritatingly careful around him as if they thought he might break. As mad as he was, a large part of him just wanted to pretend that it had never happened, but there was also the painful ache in his chest whenever he thought about it, and the fresh new scar across his cheek that was an unpleasant reminded of what he could have done. Sighing, he started to pick out books at random from the shelves within reach, flicking through them absently and discarding them until there was a sizable pile in front of him. He couldn't remember a single thing he'd read.

Maybe he'd go up to the owlery, he thought, and reply to the anxious letter he'd received from his mum three days earlier, followed by a sterner one from his father telling him to be more careful. As though it was his fault he'd nearly eaten Snape.

He was eyeing the books wearily, debating whether to bother putting them back on the shelves or to slip away before Madam Pince saw the mess he'd made, when the very person he'd been avoiding approached his table.

"Sirius," he said. Beyond that, there was nothing he could think to say that wouldn't come across as hostile. He considered getting up to leave, but the space between the bookshelves was so narrow that he'd have to squeeze right past him, and that would be excruciatingly awkward. With a sigh, he gestured to the other chair and Sirius sat down.

"I know you don't want to talk to me," Sirius said without any preamble. He focused for too long on the scar on his face, frowning before averting his gaze to the pile of books on Remus' rickety desk. "And I might be chucked out of here any minute because I knocked over a pile of books on the way in and they fell onto some Ravenclaws, but I need you to hear me out."

Reluctantly, Remus said, "I'm listening."

"Good," Sirius said, "I'm sorry, but I've said that a million times and I know it doesn't change anything. I never thought that Snape would listen to me when I told him about the willow, I didn't even know what I was saying – you know how I get, too pissed off and I don't even know what I'm saying until one of you stop me." He looked up at Remus, who was looking down at his hands instead of at him.

"I didn't realise," he continued earnestly, "how much I would miss you if you were to suddenly stop talking to me. I didn't think that would ever happen, because you're you, you know? And we're supposed to be best mates, and now I've ruined it and I just want -"

"Shh!" Came an angry voice from behind him, and Sirius turned mid-sentence to see Madame Pince glowering at him. "No talking," she said sternly, hovering behind the bookshelf to their left.

Sirius waited a fraction of a second before returning his attention to Remus, continuing in a more hushed, urgent tone, "I can't stand this, Moony. I know I wasn't thinking about you when I said what I did to Snape, that you don't trust me, and I can understand if we're not okay right away, but please just give me something here. You know I love James like a brother, Pete too, but without you –

"Mr. Black!" Madame Pince was back, look angrier than ever and brandishing a book threateningly at Sirius. "Are you doing any work?"

"Er," Sirius replied, "not technically, but this is really important."

"If you're not doing any work, you can't be here."

"But -"

"Kindly leave before I have to remove you."

Sirius glanced at Remus anxiously as he stood, his expression full of concern and obviously waiting for any sort of response.

"Now, Mr. Black."

"Right, fine," Sirius ground out, and stalked towards the exit, knocking over another pile of books for good measure as he marched through the double doors.

Remus didn't entirely know how he was meant to respond to Sirius' speech. He'd started out fully intending to stay mad for at least another week, but what Sirius had said was true – when two of them fought their entire group fell apart. The four of them were closer than Remus could have hoped for, and this was the biggest fight they'd ever had in nearly six years of friendship. He knew James was only holding off on being back to normal with Sirius because he wanted to make it clear he was on Remus' side - and Peter always stuck with James. If Remus forgave Sirius, everything would be alright again.

There was a very good chance that Sirius had worked himself up too much to go back to the common room and would spend the entire afternoon outside the library if Remus made him wait that long. It was an extremely tempting idea to leave him out there, but instead Remus put all his books back as slowly as possible then left the library.

As expected, Sirius was pacing in the corridor outside. "Moony," he said brightly, then cut himself off and looked at Remus expectantly.

"You're an arse, you know that?" Remus said. Sirius' hopeful expression faded so he continued: "But you're my friend and I've missed you too."

"I'm your arse?" Sirius asked teasingly, trying to clear the air. When Remus only looked at him exasperatedly he sobered and said, "I swear I will never do anything that stupid again. That's obviously a given, but you're more important than a stupid grudge with Snape."

"I feel so loved," Remus replied wryly. "Now come on, let's go tell everyone I don't hate you because I'm pretty sure Lily's been devising new and terrible ways to torture you."

"The girl is terrifying," Sirius mused, more with awe than any real concern. There was still a fair amount of tension between them as they walked back to the common room, but Remus seemed happy to be back on speaking terms, and even if things had changed between them, Sirius was perfectly content to let things play out.

James and Peter had decided that McGonagall probably wouldn't notice if their homework was three inches short of the length she'd asked for - having blocked out the memory of every other time they'd tried to trick her and ended up with twice as much work as they'd originally been set. Their time had since been very productively occupied by drawing up a timetable for when James should hold quidditch practice in the run up to their last match of the year. Peter was the one with the neatest writing and had the patience for that sort of thing, so he was the one to actually make the timetable, while James gave a running commentary about how many points they needed in order to win the cup and debated whether it was better to hold practice early in the mornings or just before dinner.

"The problem is that everyone will be tired and grumpy if I get them up at the crack of dawn, but on the other hand what if we run over in the evenings and miss dinner?"

Peter was spared having to answer by Sirius and Remus walking through the portrait hole. James exchanged a look with him; it was the first time they'd seen their friends anywhere near each other by choice, since even at meal times Sirius had edged away from them slightly and in classes they sat so that James was with Remus, and Peter with Sirius.

"Er," Remus said as the two of them sat down at their table - admittedly on opposite sides, but it was progress. "We're okay now. Just so you know"

"Thank Merlin," James said fervently, "I'm terrible at staying mad at people."

"Which I exploit at every opportunity," Sirius joked, and he was relieved when James grinned at him.

"I guess you couldn't resist his puppy eyes, huh?" Peter asked.

"They are my kryptonite," Remus agreed, his gaze flickering up to meet Sirius'.

Only Peter laughed at the reference.