Hello my dear reader,

uuuh, I´m sorry for the long wait, I had my last exams to take and then when I finally had vacation I well... got lazy, like real lazy and I needed to visit my friends of course so well... I´m sorry, I already had one chapter nearly finished but then I was completly unsatisfied with it and decided to rewrite the complete thing so uh yeah... and then the chapter got long-really long and huuuuh, well enough of my babbling,

WARNING:

-angst

-depression

-trigger warning

It gets kinda fluffy at the end but well, just that you´re warned, It´s still dark, just a bit different shade but there will be a happy ending in probably the next chapter! yeeey!

Alright

TakaoFan: Yes, I can imagine that sad music makes it worse :D thanks for reading and reviewing and I really like your name :D :D

guest: will try!

Tsuna12: I wasn´t able to PM you, so I´ll do it in this way :) thanks for your review and your words, I´m glad you like it! I´m gonna help you with that although... I kinda like him! :O not in this story of course...^^

Okay, so... it was really hard to write this chapter and well, no one can really say what would happen in someones mind who lived through something like this so I tried to be as careful as I could. So please tell me your thoughts!

It was raining-big; fat raindrops were pounding against the window as Kagami stared outside and watched how the world seemed to be drenched in water and painted in grey. The surface of the glass pane was cold against his body and even though he was snuggled up in a thick blanket a shiver ran through him causing the hairs of his skin to stand up.

With tired eyes he averted his gaze from the rain and looked around into the living room. It had been almost three month since he had left the hospital and moved into Tatsuyas apartment. Three empty months, a time he wouldn´t even want to name time since time should be used and the only thing that he did was waiting until it was over.

The first three weeks had been fine. They had been good actually except for the fact that he still couldn´t play basketball and Kagami had truly believed that he just could forget that one day and move on with his life, forcing the events in the back of his mind. He took a probably far too early train since Tatsuyas apartment was quiet far from his school. But at least they were nearly empty.
In school he avoided Kuroko at all costs and when the smaller boy noticed how Kagami always ran from him when he tried to approach the red head he retreated and left him in piece. Of course Kagami could still feel the worrying glances he received and not only from Kuroko but also from the other first years who started to approach him more often than before and in the first weeks it was fine. He talked with them, cracked a bad joke here and there, ate like before and he wasn´t left alone too often so the idea that he was fine seemed so true that it maybe should have made him worry. But of course it didn´t.

He ignored the ugly feeling inside his stomach whenever his mobile phone blinked and told him he had a message from one of the Generation of Miracles. Sometimes he read them and sometimes he deleted them without reading, depending on his mood. There was a twinge in his stomach whenever one of their names appeared on his screens and Kagamis so realistic-mask-of-a-smile that he believed as true fell and cracked for a moment before he turned off the phone and snapped it shut, burying it in the depth of his pocket.

Kise was the one who sent the most messages. He always told Kagami about his day, the shooting he had, the people he had met and how his stylist managed to fuck up his hair. Sometimes the redhead could hear the whining voice through the black small letters on his bright display. And sometimes the brightness seemed to hurt his eyes so he needed to shut the phone without ever sending a reply. Kagami didn´t like his messages, they made him feel strangely upset and whenever Kise wrote about how his senpai-Kasamatsu, he guessed-bullied him he had the urge to roll his eyes and to tell Kise off, to admit that crush Kagami guessed the blond model had on his senpai. But he never did.

Aomines messages were probably the most normal ones and they came at random moments as if he ever wrote when he couldn´t find something better to do. And most of the time it was an invitation (maybe more like a demand than an invitation) for a One-on-One and even though it always seemed to prickle in Kagamis fingertips to accept the challenge he never wrote back. After a few unanswered messages Aomines demands changed into a bit more subtle invitations to meet up at Maji Burgers and one time (Kagami guessed the blue haired boy had been a bit drunk) he suddenly started to get melancholic and how he missed playing against Kagami. That message had made him laugh but he just shook his head and this message was also left in his phone, unanswered.

Midorimas were the shortest when the shooter reminded Kagami of his studies and wrote him about Kagamis luck on the day and his lucky item. It was a bit endearing how awkward the other was and through the messages Kagami could practically hear him muttering under his breath about why he would do this and it wasn´t like Midorima wanted to write Kagami but still felt obligated to do so since his studies were important and if he was bad at them Kagami wouldn´t be able to play basketball at the next Cup.
After a while the green haired boy had started to ask Kagami about his well-being and started to give him advice about how he would keep himself healthy and how he needed to stay hydrated in the summer heat. He never followed them, when he wasn´t thirsty he just couldn´t drink and so more messages were gathered inside his phone.

Murasakibaras were the most surprising ones and sometimes even made Kagami want to write back but of course he didn´t do it in the end. He had always thought that the purple haired giant was far too lazy to bother with writing messages and since he never really received one from him before (maybe two or three in the months after the Winter Cup) he always thought he would be right about that but now there seemed to be no end to those messages. Most of them were about food and sweets the other had tasted and tried out, how good the double chocolate cookies with caramel crunches were in comparison with the vanilla flavoured drink chocolate from the shop on the other side of the street. Kagami didn´t know one could compare a cookie with a drink but Murasakibara didn´t seem to care about the fact that he compared apples and oranges so Kagami didn´t bother to correct him. A few messages were about how Kagami was feeling and more than one time he had found himself with both hands at his phone at the edge of writing back but he never could send his answer even when he wrote out two whole sentences his finger always trembled when he wanted to press the send button so in the end he didn´t do it.

Akashis messages were the most neutral ones; every morning Kagami got one that asked about his well-being, nothing more and nothing less. In the evening the other red head sometimes sent a message that was more personal, telling him how his day way, how well their basketball team was doing and that Seirin won´t win the next Winter Cup. He sometimes smiled at those messages but they missed to light that spark inside him that would have been lit before. But of course he ignored it and blamed it on the exhaustion that had taken a hold of him in the last days.
His dad had once told him that people got more honest in the evening which was a strange thing because there seemed to be happen the worst things whenever the sun didn´t look down on the earth anymore. But when Kagami received a message from Akashi about how sorry he would be, how he never should have let something like that happen to Kagami and all he wanted was to kill Haizaki he wondered about the dispersion between honesty and crimes. Maybe the difference wasn´t as big as he had thought. And even if that text of Akashi had made his throat tight and made his eyes burn he had closed the phone and pulled the covers over his head and deleted the message.

Kurokos texts were the ones Kagami was the most comfortable with since all they were over was school whenever Kagami couldn´t get out of his bed because his bones felt too heavy or his eyes wouldn´t open. Sometimes Kuroko wrote about what Nigou had done and sometimes even sent him a picture, probably just to annoy the red head but when Kuroko messaged him about how even Nigou would miss him the texts got less comforting because guilt was a heavy feeling and it pulled Kagami down, pulled at his limps until they felt as if they would rip off. More than one time his fingers had hovered over the keypad in the silent question to write back and to ease Kurokos worry.

To write that he was fine and the only thing he needed was a bit time, that it would get better from day to day and that maybe in a few weeks Kagami could be back on the court with Kuroko. To be that light Kuroko needed. But nothing could have been a worse lie, because after those first weeks everything got worse.

Kagami again looked outside, pulled the blanket closer around his body and laid his head on his knees which he had pulled up against his chin. Tatsuyas apartment was nice, the rooms were old so the ceiling was high and the windowsills were wide enough for a big guy like him to sit on. He liked it here, it was quiet, spacey and cool. He didn´t like the heat anymore, the summer had been the worst and he was so glad that it finally was over; that September was nearly at its end and the air became cooler. In summer it was hot, the trains were hot, the streets were hot-everything was just suffocating hot and dry and people were wearing too less clothes and showed too much skin. It was disgusting how their skin smelled of sweat and how the naked skin touched his, how it would press against his since the trains were always full, the buses were full and all the places Kagami had loved going to before were suddenly full of people who were half naked since it was so hot and sweated like animals and smelled like pigs.

Kagami had begun to take the earliest train because of that, it then was empty and only a few people were inside, sometimes talking quietly into their phones, reading the news or chatting with their neighbours. He felt safe there, his nose wasn´t abused by the smell of skin and his eyes weren´t molested by nakedness. People always gave him strange looks when he entered the train in long jeans and almost always in a long armed shirt, but he ignored them-they would look at him anyway, because he was tall, broad, big, had flaming red hair, was defiled, ugly, used, disgusting weak and-Kagami desperately shook his head in hope to get rid of all those disturbing thoughts. He groaned and buried his head between his knees, squeezing his eyes shut as his fingernails pressed against the inside of hand. It was so annoying, he had always loved the summer-everything was so bright, it was warm and the sun had always felt amazing. He had loved to surf, play basketball or just relax with a few friends thinking how cool they were when they were drinking beer although they were underage. And now… everything was tainted, wherever he looked it just didn´t feel right anymore-everything was too bright, too warm, too much. The drinks were too warm and tasted like shit but in the end Kagami knew that the only thing that was shitty was him. That he was the one who was tainted; who was broken so of course nothing would fit anymore since everything else was perfectly whole. It was just him-just him who was so… wrong, who wasn´t whole anymore because something inside had been ripped apart.

And the day from which he realized that something maybe wasn´t as fine as he wanted to, from which it all went downwards was one especially hot day. Kagami had felt strange since morning but nothing could have prepared him for something like this.

The bag on his shoulder felt heavy when Kagami entered the still empty classroom. He was early as always and as he sat down on his chair the noise echoed quietly inside the room. The bag was set on the floor and the red head laid his head on his hands as he looked outside and watched how the sun made her way up into the sky, sending cold and orange light over to the waiting flowers and trees. It already was dying hot and Kagami sweated despite the air con inside the school. He pressed his handballs against his eyes. They still hurt since he didn´t sleep well the last few nights because something always forced him awake in the middle of the night. And now he was so tired he could fall asleep in the middle of the lesson.
The silence was disturbed when the bell rang and loud steps and voices of coming students filled the air. Kagami winced when the door was forced open, the steps grew louder, noisier and chairs were moved and laughter filled the air. His nostrils were filled with the smell of different perfumes, sweat and the smell of the leather of the school bags. He swallowed thickly and squeezed his eyes shut when nausea rushed from his head to his stomach, making it boil in attempt to throw out the little breakfast Kagami had earlier. His legs trembled when the teacher told them to stand and nearly collapsed when he could sit again. Pressing his hands on his stomach he tried to gain control over his breathing as he tried to force down the urge to throw up in front of everyone else.
Oh shit, oh shit, panicked he pressed one hand over his mouth and breathed through his noise but the smell of sweat only seemed to get worse and when wind brushed against his throat like chapped lips all air seemed to be sucked out of his lungs, like someone had hit him in the stomach and Kagami knew that if he wouldn´t run to the toilets right now he would throw up in front of the whole class. His chair hit the floor when he quickly stood up and practically ran out of the classroom, ignoring the shouts of his teacher and hasted down the hallways to the toilets.
Doors were slammed shut and just one second later Kagami released his whole breakfast into the toilet sink. He coughed and tried to breathe slowly once the only thing in his mouth left was the acid taste of bile. His heart was pounding in his head and his own heart beats seemed to echo in his scull when pictures flashed in front of his eyes and the smell and taste of sweat grew worse and worse.

Haizaki.

It smelled like Haizaki-fuck, it even tasted like him when he… a sob left Kagamis mouth and his body shook under the attack as he curled up on the white cold ground. His limbs trembled and hot tears were suddenly streaming over his face and Kagami didn´t know where they came from-it had been three weeks since the last time he cried and he really didn´t want to start again but no matter how hard he tried the tears didn´t stop for the next ten minutes when Kagami felt so empty that the only thing he could do was to stare against the dirty wall behind the toilet. At least he had stopped shaking except for the small tremors that still ran through him and his heart and breathing had calmed down. It also didn´t feel like the walls were spinning or crashing down on him anymore so it had to be over, right? Whatever it was.

"Kagami-kun?" a voice sounded through the stalls and he jerked in surprise.

"Y-yes?" Oh shit, was that really him? His voice was so rough and broke around the edges-definitely not normal.

"Are you alright?" He sighed; it seemed that his teacher sent one of his classmates after him. Lucky for him that it wasn´t Kuroko.

"Ah, yes-I´ll be right back! I don´t know, guess I ate something strange yesterday!"

"Urgh, okay-Please don´t strain yourself!"

Muttering a small thank you Kagami heard how the door fell shut. His hand still shook a bit when he flushed the toilet and his legs barely carried his weight to the sinks and it felt like an hour to him until his face didn´t look like a red sponge anymore and his cold hands finally were warm again.

It felt like he needed learn to walk all over again when he made his way back to the classroom, still thinking about what to say to his teacher and his bones felt like jelly when he finally opened the door to-of course-be the target of all the curious stares of his classmates and the scowling eyes of his teacher. With a quick bow he apologized and stuttered an embarrassed "sorry" before walking over to his desk, keeping his eyes glued to the floor.

The ground seemed to become more interesting day by day.

After that day everything got worse.

Taking a sip from the cold tea Kagami moved over to couch and curled up in the corner. The remote felt heavy in his hands as he pressed the button to turn on the TV and he closed his eyes for a moment when voices of some Anime filled the room with meaningless dialogues and faked emotions. It was better than silence, everything was better than silence until the moment the silence was filled. Because then everything seemed too loud again and Kagami would find himself at loss of what to do; silence or no silence. He never was sure.

A few days after the incident in school he suffered under another attack. The police had called him again, asking to talk to him again because they still had questions about the detailed circumstances of the offence and if Kagami hadn´t been in such a bad mood he maybe had laughed at them. Instead of laughing he had puked inside the newly cleaned toilet until his throat was raw.
But no matter how much he didn't want to talk to those police officers he knew it had to be done so in the next week he had visited that cold and stinking police department, half an hour with the train and a ten minute foot walk away from the station.

It had been strange that retelling the event had taken longer than the incident itself did and once when Kagami looked on the clock after he had been released from the clutches of that fat and grumpy police officer he had been shocked when he realized that he actually spent three hours inside that small room. But now that had been done and for the first time in the last weeks he had felt relieved-at least a bit and his shoulders seemed lighter and his arms weren´t that heavy anymore.

After that he had touched a basketball again-after almost three weeks.

The air was hot as ever but as Kagami stood there in the streets he found himself unable to go home. The idea of being alone-probably-in the big apartment since Tatsuya was probably out studying didn´t seem so appealing anymore and so he strolled through the streets like a strayed cat. Just that a strayed cat probably wouldn´t look at sport shoes or the latest basketball magazines. But as he thumbed through the magazines and tried on a few new shoes just to leave the shop in frustration he couldn´t help but feeling strangely normal and at ease-as if he just disappeared among the crowd and Kagami wondered if that was what Kuroko always felt.

It had been nearly dark when he finally made his way back to the station but his steps slowed down when he passed a basketball court and saw one tall guy with short black hair throw hoops. He watched how the ball bounced back into open hands just to be thrown again through the net and he could feel his fingertips itch in curiosity and strange alertness. They were waiting to touch a basketball again and not only his fingers suddenly seemed to have too much power that they needed to work out. Also his legs seemed to yearn to be used again and before his head could catch on his legs had already walked over the street and the boy turned around when Kagami entered the court.

"Yo, do you need an opponent?" he asked, his voice rough since he didn´t use it often anymore but the other guy just nodded and threw the ball to him.

He caught it and cocked his head in interest. Huh, that throw had some force behind it. That would be interesting. Kagami left his bag next to the bench and turned the ball between his hands. It felt warm, securing and familiar-so familiar and yet alien that it made Kagamis stomach twist. He swallowed. It had been nearly three weeks since the last time he touched a basketball and it was scary how he had not even missed it.

"Oi, you´re just going to stand there?"

Startled the redhead looked up. The other boy stared at him in annoyance; one eyebrow was lifted as he took a sip of his sports drink and Kagami could feel anger boiling inside his guts. It was a strangely welcomed feeling.

"Or are you scared?" A smirk spread on the thin lips of the other who couldn´t be that much older than Kagami and the redhead snorted.

"Tch, who would be?!"

It felt good, he thought when the ball bounced against his hand and his legs began to move, the muscles in his back tensed and his arms moved with the rest of his body, easily finding their way back into the old rhythm. It was like riding a bike. There were a few things one couldn´t forget since it was engraved into every muscle and into every pigment of one's skin.

Like the six.

The image caught him off guard and he stumbled over his own feet, giving his opponent the opportunity to take the ball from him and just heard faintly how the net whooshed and the ball bounced against the ground.

He shook his head and gritted his teeth as he tried to cover his embarrassing failure but strangely the other didn´t say anything and just threw the ball back at him. He caught it gracefully-more or less-and determined to not let his thoughts wander again and maybe trigger some panic attack again he let his legs and arms move for him while his head stayed empty and the only thing left were his instinct screaming at him to move, dodge, throw, dunk and run.

He lost, pathetically, but that was alright because he actually felt great. Just sitting there, panting and gasping because no matter how easy it was to find back into the rhythm of that sport, it still asked everything out of him. Especially after four weeks of pause. His legs stung, his skin was slick with sweat but apparently his head is too empty and too focused on the basic functions of his body to bother him with the feeling of panic like before.

The other boy plopped down right next to him, not too near and not too far and offered him a bottle of water which Kagami gratefully accepted.

"You´re good" the guy gave him an appraising smile and Kagami snorted, but still felt strangely content with the comment.

"I lost."

"Hmh, well that´s true but you´re still good. I´m Nijmuro Shuzo by the way." The black haired boy stood up and offered Kagami a hand.

"Kagami Taiga."

Nijmuro smiled at him and nodded. "Well I need to go, it was good playing against you Kagami Taiga, maybe we can do it again."

The redhead nodded as he accepted the hand, warm and slightly sweaty but a reliably and tight handgrip.

"Sure."

"I hope you then have found what you lost Kagami-kun. You won´t be able to beat me if you don´t."

Confused he blinked at him, with furrowed eyebrows and wrinkled nose. "What do you mean?"

The other shrugged and sighed as he strapped the bag over his shoulder. "I saw your jumps and how fast you were. It just seemed that something was holding you back or maybe… pulled you down."

Those dark, intelligent eyes roamed over his body until Kagami was fidgeting on his own feet in uncomfortable silence.

"More like a bird with truncated wings."

Kagamis look fell on the floor and he curled his arms around his middle as he suddenly felt very naked in the presence of the strange boy even though his name seemed to ring some bells in him.

"But… I need to apologize."

A warm hand was on his shoulder and Kagamis silently cursed himself for jerking under the innocent touch. He felt pathetic when the hand quickly moved away.

"It wasn´t my place to say something like that but I meant it. I would like to play against you some time. Maybe we´ll catch each other somewhere."

The only thing he could do was to nod dumbly as he listened to the steps that got quieter with every metre between them. When he knew he was alone he pulled up his bag, stuffed his hands in his pocket and finally made his way to the station; the play against the black haired boy just a faint memory.

He rubber over his skin as the sweat got cold and felt so ugly on his body that he quickened his pace, eager to get back to the apartment and the weight on his shoulders just seemed as heavy as before, maybe even heavier.

A bird with truncated wings, huh?

What utterly annoying shit. The next time he would beat that arrogant guy and show him what wings were.

Maybe the memory wasn´t that faint.

Sometimes the words still echoed in his head and Kagami wondered about what that Nijmuro guy had meant exactly but soon his thoughts would wander off and he would ask himself from where he knew the name. He sighed when he laid his head back and stared at the ceiling. The rush of confidence from that day had only last that long and in the evening Kagami had showered three times, scrubbed his skin until it had turned red and changed his clothes just as much. And still everything had seemed to smell like sweat.

From that day on Tatsuya seemed to be even more suspicious, even though he never asked but Kagami could feel the worried looks and glances he gave him. He was grateful that Tatsuya hadn´t asked any questions-he still didn´t-but the nagging voice inside his head that he maybe should talk to him hadn´t shut up and just grew louder with every comforting and mindful action the other did. And even though Kagami wasn´t the sharpest knife in the drawer, he wasn´t dumb enough to believe that Tatsuya still believed the "I-fell-off-my-bike" story-maybe he never did. So he had asked himself more than once what it was that kept him from telling the person he probably trusted the most right now what was wrong with him. He wasn´t sure but whenever he intended to tell him, his voice would die down and it felt like something was stuck inside his throat and kept him from forming any further words. And when the talk was over his hands would begin to shake as soon as he was alone again and he suddenly knew why he couldn´t talk. The "what-if" scenarios that appeared inside his head were mostly horror-versions in which Tatsuya would react in disgust, snapping away from him once again or would throw him out because he couldn´t live with someone as weak as Kagami. Sometimes Kagami was afraid that Tatsuya maybe never wanted to look at him again or even touch him. And the redhead knew he was wrong, that Tatsuya wouldn´t react that way, but the chance that he would was still there and somehow the fear always grew bigger whenever he wanted to talk.

But he also knew that he couldn´t keep going that way-not since his dreams were also taken by him. In the first weeks Kagami had done nothing but sleeping because then he didn´t need to think and everything was okay when he slept, but after three weeks-just a few days after the bathroom incident-images, voices and memories began to assault him in his sleep. At first he couldn´t remember what he had dreamt of but that soon changed when one night he woke up screaming and just faintly heard how Tatsuya rushed to his side, asking what was wrong but he couldn´t answer, couldn´t speak and had slapped the small helping hand of his brother away with a horrified shout-mistaking him for someone else. The face in his dream had still seemed to waver in front of his eyes and that voice had still molested his ears, so he had been unable to hear Tatsuyas soothing voice, somehow caught up in the past.

And now-now he didn´t dare to even close his eyes anymore and fall asleep because he would be waiting for him. Calling him, inviting him in with a toothy smirk and then he would press him down just to rape him all over again. The dreams were dark, dominated by Haizakis laugh and his smile. Sometimes he would cut him open while he fucked him and grabbed and squeezed his bare lungs until Kagami couldn´t breathe anymore so he would jerk awake, panting and sweating heavily as he gasped for breath. Sometimes they would be playing basketball against each other and Kagami couldn´t move an inch as he heard Haizaki scoring again and again, telling him how pathetic he would be until the scene would change and he experienced the rape all over again. It was suffocating and Kagami always felt so filthy and dirty all that he got up at sometimes 3 o´clock in the morning to take a shower because he still could feel how Haizakis fingers danced over his skin, making him shiver with disturbing pleasure until the soft touches turned into violent scratching and it felt like the other would skin him alive.

But those weren´t the worst dreams-the worst were when Haizakis face changed into another; sometimes it was Aomine, Akashi, someone else of the Generation of Miracles or even Kuroko. And one time it even was his brother and every time Kagami woke up from those dreams he felt so guilty and disgusted with himself that he took a cold shower until his lips turned blue and his whole body went cold. Because they wouldn´t do something like that-hell, they wouldn´t even want to touch him any way! They had seen how he had been raped, how everything had been taken from him-how weak he had been, there was no way anyone would want to touch him again! Which was good since Kagami didn´t want to be touched either; well, at least most of the times because sometimes he suddenly wanted someone near him but as soon as he tried to approach Tatsuya about it there was this ugly feeling inside that told him to retreat and pull the covers over his head.

It was exhausting and on some days Kagami probably looked more dead than alive, scaring away the other passengers on the train even more than usual.

He jerked out of his thoughts when he heard keys tingle and the creaking of the door.

"Taiga?" Tatsuyas voice sounded through the room, a bit exhausted and agitated and the redhead suddenly felt bad for having done nothing at all-he didn´t even cook since his legs felt too heavy to move. It had been a bad day again in which he hadn´t even gone to school but now that he saw Tatsuyas tired face and slumped shoulders he wished that he just had done something, maybe he could have cleaned the flat or made something small to eat but no; the only thing he had done was laying on the couch or staring outside, giving room for those depressing thoughts.

"H-hey", he croaked and cleared his throat when his voice sounded too rough and gave the black haired boy a small smile.

"Are you hungry?" Tatsuya placed his bag on the ground and hung his jacket up. Kagami shook his head before he remembered that his brother couldn´t hear him and shouted a no, his famous appetite had decreased greatly in the last weeks and was just another sign for Kagami that was wrong-a sign he had chosen to ignore.

"Really?" Tatsuya looked at him and the worried look in his eyes made Kagami swallow in guilt and he averted his eyes when he shook his head.

No one talked when Tatsuya made food and even though Kagamis eyes were glued to the TV screen he had no idea what was happening and the voices just spiralled into one strange noise that filled his ears and head, underlining the questions in his head. Should he tell him? He wanted to-he really did somehow, he was so tired and he didn´t know what to do anymore. Everything was so disturbing and strange, he couldn´t sleep anymore but being awake was not better because he began seeing Haizaki everywhere he went and it was driving him crazy. He just didn´t know what to do! There was no way he could ask Kuroko for help-not after he had seen everything-but his brother could help him and if there was one thing he had learned from Kuroko and Seirin was that it was perfectly okay to need help, to rely on others and to ask for advice so… why couldn´t he do it now?

The dipping of the couch ripped him out of his thoughts and he glanced at Tatsuya who seemed to have reheated noodles from the convenient story, probably far too tired to cook something. And here he sat and hadn´t done anything.

"How was your day?" the older one asked softly, chewing and curling his lips into an unsatisfied expression at the taste of the noodles and Kagami clenched and unclenched his fists nervously.

"Boring", he curtly gave back, not looking up from his lap. Should he? But Tatsuya was tired-maybe it was better to wait until to tomorrow and-

"What did you do?" Tatsuyas voice was quiet and gentle and it should sooth Kagamis nerves but it only flamed his feelings of guilt and made his throat even tighter.

"U-uhm, well I…" He blinked into the living room, his tongue felt far too heavy to come up with some lie that he usually would tell Tatsuya because he couldn´t bear to admit that he had only hung on the couch and had not even gone to school because the light would hurt his eyes and the people would drive him mad. But now… "Nothing…" he whispered and it felt hollow, the truth. He wasn´t sure if he had expectations before but if he had they probably hadn´t been to feel nothing.

"Nothing?" Tatsuya asked after chewing and swallowing those distasteful convenient noodles and Kagami nodded.

"Were you at school?"

He shook his head, dumbly staring at the TV screen when tears gathered in his eyes without his consent. He shouldn´t have started talking, he should have continued lying, telling Tatsuya about non existing activities that he did during the day-it would have been easier, it would have been so much easier and…

It would have been wrong.

He took a deep breath when he heard how his brother placed the cup of noodles on the table and turned towards him-the cushions rustled a bit and he pulled the sheet tighter around his brother.

"Taiga… I-I know something´s wrong, I´m not dumb"

He shook his head, biting on his lip to supress the urge to cry because he didn´t think he was dumb! But if he now would talk, Tatsuya would notice that he was on the edge of tears and that would be humiliating and embarrassing.

"I really didn´t want to disturb you because I know that you would talk if you wanted but…" The soft touch of Tatsuyas hand made Kagami nearly jump out of his skin as the other pulled at his shoulder with gentle force. Kagami squeezed his eyes shut because he was unable to remain calm under the gentle look in Tatsuyas visible eye.

Don´t look at me like that! Something pleaded inside his him as his hand shook when he ran it through his hair, trying to keep his composure because he wasn´t ready, not at all, he probably would never be ready!

"Taiga, you´re… not yourself anymore. It´s like you´re fading away from me day for day and… I can´t just stand by and watch!"

The pain in Tatsuyas voice was obvious and Kagami whimpered unintentionally when he wanted to swallow down the lump in his throat. His heart was racing, the pounding inside his head got worse and he broke out in sweat, he wasn´t- he couldn´t-how should he… He didn´t want Tatsuya to hurt, he had done that in the past and he never wanted to do that again so…

"Please… Taiga, let me help you!" Tatsuya pleaded and when Kagami finally looked up the dark haired boy seemed just as desperate as him, his eyes shone in wetness and Kagami wondered a bit why he would cry but the question remained a question when his own tears finally spilled out of his eyes and he was pulled into a crushing hug that only made everything worse and soon he sobbed into Tatsuyas shoulder. Ugly howls left his mouth as he clawed into Tatsuyas T-shirt and he made pathetic sounds, gasped for air as he cried his eyes out and left wet traces on the dark cloth.

Tatsuya held him close until there weren´t any tears to shed and he was so exhausted that he stared lifelessly against his brothers shoulder and didn´t even notice when the words tumbled out of his mouth, heavy like stones; but just as heavy as they were as light Kagami began to feel as soon as they left him. He had no idea if the things he said made sense and he probably talked over five minutes about the basketball game they had played before everything had happened.

"And it hurt…" he whispered, "It hurt so much and I couldn´t anything! He was just too strong, holding me down, laughing at me and-God!- I had no idea something could hurt that much and he-he was just, I-I don´t know, he-Tatsuya, I-, I let him fucking rape me!" He cried out and scrambled away from the other when he felt Tatsuya tense. But the words didn´t stop coming, they spilled out of his mouth and now that he had begun talking he couldn´t stop anymore, it was like his mouth was working on his own-without any control.

"I-I let him pin me down and-and I let him fuck me!" He shouted as he stood up and began to pace up and down the living room, grabbing his hair in anger as the words continued. "I let that guy scar me for the rest of my life and just let him beat me up like I was nothing, let him do all those disgusting things to me and-do you see that?!" He pulled up his shirt with a rough movement, showing Tatsuya the scars on his stomach and still good visible six. "He-he cut me! And I didn´t do anything and-", he stopped and haltered in his movements when he noticed that his brother was shaking under the sobs and his hand was pressed against his lips to supress any sound that could leave them. Kagami swallowed, standing there with shaking hands, "I-I´m sorry I shouldn´t have-I-"

Tatsuya shook his head, "No, no Taiga-it´s oh God no it´s not like that-it´s just that…" the voice of the dark haired boy broke and he took quivering breaths to regain control of his language again, "I-I had an idea about what might be wrong, but… T-Taiga, none of this was your fault!" With desperate eyes the other looked at him and Kagami fidgeted under his gaze, swallowing thickly when Tatsuya stood up and pulled him against him for the second time this evening, wrapping his arms around Kagamis back and caressed the tense muscles with gentle and soothing touches that made the redhead shiver.

"Taiga… it´s not your fault, please…"

"I´m taller than him! I was weak, I could have fought him off! I nearly did it but he-he came after me, chased me and I couldn´t stop him Tatsuya!" he shouted and tried to free himself from Tatsuyas grip but the other boy gripped his shoulders, staring right into his eyes. "Taiga, physical strength isn´t the only advantage one can have over another person. He took advantage of you and you were afraid-you are not blame, please believe me!"

"B-But I let him inside, Tatsuya…" Kagami whispered and stared at their feet, " I believed that he wanted to play basketball against me, maybe wanted to start over again like a second chance but… how could I be this stupid!?" He gritted his teeth in anger and clenched his fists. "If-If I hadn´t let him inside nothing of this would have happened and everything would be fine!"

"…Taiga? Who was it?" Startled Kagami looked up-right, he hadn´t even told Tatsuya the name since he tried to not give him a name-even in his thoughts. He swallowed.

"Do I know him?"

He nodded and heard how his brother took a harsh breath and sat back on the sofa, gripping his own hands.

"Please, tell me his name."

"He-he´s in prison anyway so…"

"Taiga, please…" Tatsuyas voice was strained as if he danced on the edge of his control and Kagami curled his arms around his stomach.

"H-Haizaki…" the name was foreign on his tongue and left a weird taste on it when it left his mouth and for a moment the name seemed to hang in the air until his brother made a hissing noise.

"I´m going to kill him." And from the tone that even made Kagami shiver the redhead believed him and a part of his soul agreed with the other, offering his participation.

"He-he´s locked away, he can´t hurt me anymore…" Kagami mumbled. He wasn´t sure who he wanted to assure or persuade with that but it probably didn´t work on either of them.

"Still…"

There was a moment of silence in which Kagami didn´t know what he should do so he inspected their furniture, the books on the shelves and the various pictures Tatsuya had put on them. He smiled slightly-no one would think that someone as cool headed and cold from appearance like Tatsuya would be so soft about memories and stuff like that. It was something he always had found endearing even if he himself wasn´t that much of a photo friend. Maybe because he always looked like a fool on them.

"I´m sorry, I shouldn´t have reacted like that" Tatsuyas voice brought him back and a bit surprised he looked over to him. His brother was biting his lips, something he only did when he was very, very nervous and Kagami shook his head and sat next to him.

"No it´s okay, I mean… it´s a lot to-well, to take in so…"

Now it was his brothers' turn to shake his head and he pulled Kagami against him, letting his head rest on his shoulder.

"I didn´t mean it that way Taiga, it´s just that I can´t stand the thought that someone hurt you-you, you don´t deserve that! I mean no one deserves that but the last person on this whole planet would be you!" Tatsuyas voice grew quieter to the end and his finger had begun to comb through Kagamis unruly hair, making the redhead feel warm and comfortable, almost sleepy.

"I-I know…" he smiled, "it´s just… I can´t get him out of my head. It doesn´t matter if I am awake or asleep, it´s like he´s always there, waiting for me and… I can´t get rid of him! It´s driving me nuts that I just can´t do anything!"

Tatsuyas one free hand grabbed Kagamis shaking ones and held them together. His thumb drew calming circles on the redheads dry skin-it had clearly suffered under all the showers and soaps he had used on his body.

"Have you told anyone else about it?" he quietly asked and Kagami shook his head.

"N-no, I-I couldn´t, not even Kuroko because…" He gave a short laugh, freeing his hand from Tatsuyas grip to run it through his hair, "I-I didn´t need to because…they already know."

His brother frowned; he already had guessed something has happened with Kuroko and maybe with the other guys of the Generation of Miracles since his brother didn´t want to stay with Kuroko and also reacted quiet badly to Atsushi. He had invited his team mate over for one day but Kagami had locked himself away after just one hour and after that Atsushi had never asked again-even though he had been strangely agitated and exited before- and Tatsuya never invited him. They had always met outside or at the dorm near the school.

"What do mean?"

Kagami tensed and swallowed, "They already knew, they-they saw because-" he gave a short, empty laugh, "Haizaki" the name felt like venom in his mouth, "thought it would be a good idea to take photos and film me so that he could send theat to his ex-team mates, showing them how awesome he was. I don´t know-he had said a few other things but I-, "his eyes darkened at the memory, "didn´t really pay attention."

"That´s…" Tatsuya paused, finding himself at loss for words, "why-why would he do something like that? I mean-I just don´t understand!"

Kagami smiled at his brothers antics and sighed, "I don´t know-I don´t even care anymore, it´s all so tiring-I just… I can´t see them right now, it´s hard enough to see Kuroko at school-thank fuck for his low presence-but ", he swallowed at how cruel he sounded, "I don´t know why, but whenever I see him or just read their names or messages everything seems to come back! It just feels so… ugly, I don´t even know what it is but it feels like it would suffocate me!"

"Well that´s understandable since they kind of are a direct link to something you´d rather forget."

"Y-yeah but I don´t want that, I don´t like to ignore them like that, especially Kuroko cause…I miss him, I even miss his stupid dog!"

Tatsuya gave a quiet laugh, "then… what do you plan to do about it?"

The question seemed to tangle in the air and Tatsuya watched how his brother seemed to struggle with his thoughts, obviously trying to come up with something-anything.

"I-I don´t know, I mean-what can I do?" The redhead turned towards his brother, looking at bit lost.

Tatsuya smiled at him, "have you thought about getting professional help Taiga?"

Kagami frowned, "you mean I should go to a person I don´t know at all to tell her all my problems?" He scoffed, "yeah someone like that had been in the hospital, I told her to kindly to fuck off."

Tatsuya sighed, "maybe she wasn´t the best example but I think you should give it a try. If it isn´t right for you, you can stop at any time, but" he smiled at him " at least you gave it a try or…" his smile melted into a smirk-he knew it probably wasn´t fair towards his brother, but maybe the only way to make him accept it: as a challenge. "are you afraid?"

An expression Tatsuya knew very well but had missed the last three month dawned on Kagamis face as determination-still fragile but at least there-and the fiery spirit he knew so well lit up in ruby eyes even if it still seemed to flicker.

"Of course not!"

"I know" Tatsuya stood up and caught Kagamis cheeks between his hand palms, caressing the area underneath the eyes. He smiled, "You´re strong, I know that but please share the burden and don´t think you´re on your own here. It was very brave to talk to me, I cannot image how hard that must but I could see how difficult it was. But the help I can offer has its limits and I am certain that you would benefit from someone who knows what to tell you and is able to help you."

Kagami averted his eyes; the words sounded like the ones Kuroko had addressed him with at the Winter Cup in their game against Akashi when he had tried to burden the pressure alone and Kagami had found out that it had been indeed easier after he had let Kuroko in-it had opened the last gate of the Zone for him. So maybe…

He nodded and grabbed Tatsuyas hand with his own, leaning against the warmness against his cheeks and closed his eyes.

"Okay… I´ll, I´ll give it a try but if she´s stupid I´ll stop!"

Tatsuya nodded, relief washing over him. Kagami frowned, "but how should I find one?"

Tatsuya smiled at the antic of his brother, the soft looking face, relaxed and trusting. Where had that stupid idea that it was better to throw their relationship away due to childish jealousy come from?

"Leave that to me okay?"

Kagami nodded against his hand and the silence might have stayed silence for a bit longer if not Kagamis stomach decided to speak up and growl quite loudly, making Tatsuya laugh and Kagami blush in slight embarrassment.

"Should we order take-in?"

Kagami nodded and also stood up, "I´ll get something to drink and you order?"

"How about pizza?" Tatsuya called, already in the kitchen, looking through the flyers they had gathered from various restaurants and diners.

"Sounds good to me" the redhead smiled and put their glasses on the table.

And as they both snuggled up on the couch and watched some dumb American action movie where the plot didn´t really made sense to Kagami he decided that he definitely would cook breakfast tomorrow, even if it was just to ease the feeling of guilt that his guts still seemed to harbour. And as he slowly fell asleep to the sounds of the TV, his stomach filled and Tatsuyas hand combed through his hair he thought that it was the right idea to tell his secret. It felt like his lungs were freer than before and breathing seemed easier. He felt strangely content as his mind finally drifted over into Morpheus arms.

Kuroko looked up from the book he was reading when his phone blinked-foreign and bright in the room that was dark except for the small lamp beside the bed (his mother would scold him if she ever found out). Curious he snapped his phone open and his eyes squinted in light confusion when the name Himuro Tatsuya appeared on the screen.

He´s on a good way. Please, don´t give up on him.

Himuro

Kuroko stared at the text for a while, before he decided to write back. His stomach was fluttering even though he felt offended that Himuro could just have the idea that Kuroko would ever give up on Kagami. He never would-there was no way he would ever watch how his light got swallowed up by darkness. Never again.

That was never my intention.

Kuroko

He smiled as he sent the message from Himuro to Aomine, Akashi and the rest-they all probably wanted to know but still… he snapped his phone shut and turned off the light. Kuroko stared at the ceiling as the only noise that was heard was the soft snoring of Nigou and the rustling of the sheets when turned to lie on his side, watching his phone blink at the various responses his message received.

-Well he better hurry! And what the hell is this bastard thinking that we ever would?

Kuroko chuckled, Aomine could talk as much as he wanted but he knew that the other was really worried-in his own strange way. Aomine had obvisiously missed playing against Kagami and he was not that spirited at their group gatherings they still did as he were when Kagami had participated. The blue haired teen had gotten to having Kagami around and sometimes Kuroko wondered how used.

-Uaaah, I missed Kagami-cchi! o(≧∇≦o) But I don´t like the tone of his brother (●o≧д≦)o

Kise was expressive as ever but it just hid how worried Kise was. Kuroko knew the blonde model had worn his cheery face as a mask to hide how hard the months had been-the feeling of guilt had crashed all of them, but the one who probably blamed himself the most was Kise.

-Well, these are good news I would say.

Midorima was short as ever, but the shooter had always told Kuroko what the lucky item for the Leo sign would be and added a few advises whenever the luck was especially bad. Unfortunately Kuroko found he was unable to deliver the messages since Kagami had dodged his approaches like Kuroko was some disease but Midorima had reassured him that he would send the same messages to Kagami. Which left the question why he had sent them to Kuroko at all.

-Huh, Muro-chin didn´t tell me.

Murasakibara was the one who talked the least about what had happened but sometimes Kuroko caught him staring at his phone and one time he had managed to take a look at the saved messages. He knew out of experience that Murasakibara wasn´t one to write long or many texts and messages but he found one message per day and sometimes even more that had been sent to Kagami and even though he didn´t know what those messages were about he was sure that Murasakibara cared in his own way.

-I also received an interesting message.

That was Akashi and Kuroko frowned slightly at the answer, writing back to ask what he meant. Akashi had always tried to ease their feelings of guilt, telling them they weren´t to blame but often Kuroko caught him, when Akashi thought no one was watching, looking outside and the feeling of guilt seemed to be written on his face in a deep sad frown and tired eyes.

-I´m sorry but I don´t think it would be appropriate to tell you. Not until Kagami decides to tell you on his own.

Kurokos frown deepened but he knew that it was impossible to get any more information once Akashi had set his head on keeping it from him. So he sighed, left the message unanswered and finally lay down to sleep. Kuroko wasn´t naïve enough to believe that Kagami would open up to them tomorrow or next week but maybe they could trust Himuros judgment and over the next months he would get his light back-they would get their light back. It was so lonely without his hot-headed idiotic basketball partner, so Kuroko let himself be a bit egoistic to wish that the other would come back to him.

"Good afternoon Kagami-kun"

The woman smiled at him and sat behind her desk, looking at him with open and intelligent eyes.

"Do you prefer to stand or to sit?"

He blinked at her, "Uh, sitting is good I guess…"

The chair creaked a bit under his weight and a bit anxiously he fidgeted on his chair, playing with his fingers as he took in the small but bright room. Shelves decorated the walls, full of books, pictures and paintings of artists Kagami had never heard of and small charms and dreamcatchers hung from the shelf.

"My name is Hiroki Suzuki, do you want to talk in Japanese or English?"

"Uhm, Japanese is fine I guess," he wondered where Himuro found a therapist who could speak English and Japanese and could make an appointment with him in less than a week. He looked at the woman again who smiled and nodded at him.

"So, Kagami-kun, is it alright if I call you that?" he nodded, it was all happening a bit fast "how are you today?"

The question surprised him a bit, but maybe it was easier to start talking about something not that important. The hard questions would come soon enough.

So he swallowed down the lump in his throat, clawed his hands into each other and softly began to talk. The words felt heavy, like when he had started to talk to his brother-just harder, but they came and hopefully they wouldn´t stop so soon.

Thank you for reading and I hope you like it! So please let me know what you think!

With Love,

AnonXY