Chapter 34 – Christmas in the Snow

It was a week into the Christmas holidays and Remus and Sirius had easily fallen into the routine of sleeping late, playing gobstones or chess in the mornings, eating a big lunch, messing around on brooms or walking around the grounds in the afternoons, eating an even bigger dinner, then both curling up on one of the comfy sofas in the common room. They'd talk or read a book together into the night, until one of them nodded off with his head on the other's shoulder. Something about being alone together felt different than it had before, which Remus didn't think was possible after knowing Sirius for over six years, but it felt right. It made him think about what Lily had suggested to him in the hospital wing a few week before – about Sirius wanting to stay with him. He'd been trying not to think too much on what she might have been implying, but he had to admit that he was finding it difficult not to.

They were the only two seventh year Gryffindors staying at Hogwarts over Christmas; Sirius hadn't felt like going to the Potters' for a family Christmas so soon after his Uncle Alphard's death and Remus always stayed at Hogwarts during the holidays. James had fussed over both of them before he left, making sure Sirius wasn't brooding too much and asking Remus whether things were okay with his dad since his mum's death. He had asked a dozen times whether Sirius and Remus were completely sure they didn't want to stay at his for the holidays, but they were both settled on remaining at Hogwarts. Instead, Lily was spending a few days at the Potters' house, and she, James and Peter were sending them letters almost daily.

One evening when the common room was empty but for the two of them, they were by the fire sharing a blanket and reading one of James' letters, in which he worriedly asked what they'd both been doing and whether they were having fun or "moping about and missing me desperately".

"Not to sound like Prongs," Remus said, folding up James' letter after checking Sirius had finished reading it, "but are you okay? And don't say yes unless it's true."

"More or less," Sirius said with a shrug.

"I know we've not really talked about it," Remus continued, "but I'm sorry about your uncle. It's crap that he was actual decent to you, and you had to lose him."

"Yeah," Sirius said. He was quiet for a minute, not really wanting to talk about how much, despite not knowing him well, Alphard's death had gotten to him. Remus seemed to know anyway. "It's nothing like what you went through though," he said instead, placing his head against Remus' shoulder.

"That's not really how it works," Remus said. "My shit doesn't invalidate your shit."

"Well I appreciate your concerned about my shit," Sirius smiled. "I guess I just didn't expect it, and then it happened. And I feel like I shouldn't care this much, you know? I barely knew the guy. He gave me a shit ton of money and I don't know what the hell to do with it. James and the Potter's are my family and I love them. But it feels like being kicked out all over again, not having him. It's stupid, I know."

"It's not stupid," Remus said. "I get it. Even though I know my dad isn't that bad and your family are like, next level dickheads, it's still weird with him. When we had mum it was like me and dad got on with each other for her sake, especially when she got ill, but now it just feels as though there's not much point. It's like we've gone from a family to just... two people who have nothing in common." He paused. "I think he kind of blames me, you know. My mum was always worrying about me and sometimes she'd get so run down from taking care of me that she'd get ill. And now... I don't know."

"You know that's ridiculous, right?" Sirius asked, turning to Remus with an urgency in his voice. "She had cancer Moony, I don't know much about muggle medicine but you can't get cancer from being tired. It's not your fault."

He shrugged. "I know. And my dad knows that too, really. It's just... it's like he's searching for someone to blame."

"You can blame me if you like," Sirius joked, relaxing slightly when he saw the smile that crept onto Remus' face at the comment.

"Thank you for your oh so wise and helpful suggestion," Remus replied, but he was relieved that the mood was lightened. "Honestly, though - thanks."

"Yeah, you too." Sirius replied.

Remus went back to looking at the fire, flicking absently through 'Grimms Fairy tales,' which he'd been recounting for Sirius earlier. Sirius watched his fingers skim the book, and the way the firelight illuminated his face in streaks and felt strangely glad that he'd chosen not to go home with James for Christmas.

"Read the one about the Huntsmen again?" Sirius requested, shuffling to the other end of the couch and dropping his head into Remus' lap.

Remus shifted, letting out a huff of annoyance that Sirius knew was for show, since he obligingly picked up the book and was smiling as he started to read.

On Christmas Day, they received another letter, this one from Lily.

Dear Remus and Sirius,

Happy Christmas! I hope you're having a great day! Is it snowing there? There's a ton here - James wants to go and build a snowman but I don't know if I can trust him not to turn it into a snowball fight. I feel like I've only just warmed up from the carolling last night!

I've attached a photo of the two of us from this morning. You may notice that the bottom half of my body has been replaced by a disastrous fashion statement. They were James' present to me. Honestly, I don't know how that boy gets through the day sometimes. Do I really look like the kind of person who would wear bright green flares? Still, he tried. I'm wearing them, of course, but just wanted to make it clear that I'm doing so under duress.

It's nice having Christmas here for a change; James' parents are great - I can see why you're so fond of them, Padfoot. And of course, avoiding Petunia and Vernon is always a bonus. It's a little difficult this year, because dad's been getting rather confused lately. It's strange - he's not that old or anything, but he keep forgetting things like where he put the car keys, even though he's put them in the same place for last ten years. Of course, he can't forget Christmas, the tree it a bit of a giveaway! Sorry to be a downer, I know you both have other things to worry about.

Even so, have a great day, and don't fill up too much at the feast, Remus and I were fit to burst last year. At least Slughorn won't make the mistake of thinking the two of you are dating!

Anyway, James is trying to grab the quill from me - I'll see you in another week!

Padfoot you're a TERRIBLE FRIEND and I'm NEVER LETTING YOU HELP ME BUY PRESENTS EVER AGAIN. "She'll love those flares so much Prongs, they're so in fashion!" You're the biggest liar and this is your fault entirely.

Anyway. Merry Christmas and all that. Hope you and Moony are having fun and getting up to Christmas hijinks. I got your presents because of what you said about Andromeda's daughter after the funeral - that you're glad someone in your family is having a good childhood. If you'll forgive the cheesiness, both of you deserved better childhoods, so it's about time you got to act like children, right? Enjoy and try not to roll into the lake - but if you do, I want a photo of you being attacked by the giant squid.

James & Lily

Remus finished reading the letter a moment before Sirius did and laughed at the last line. They opened the parcel from James, which as promised contained two pairs of roller skates. Siriuswas eager to head outside and try them, but first there was the matter of exchanging gifts with Remus. They'd already eaten breakfast in the great hall - Remus had opted for bacon and eggs, while Sirius had piled his plate high with pancakes and the pastries that had been laid out. Remus had pulled a face at him, bewildered by his ability to consume such a sweet meal so early in the morning, but it had been one of the best breakfasts that Sirius had ever had.

Their presents were under the tiny tree that Sirius had erected in their dormitory, and Remus had been trying to guess what his was for the entire week. It was mysterious due mostly to its large size, but Sirius hadn't given any clues away. As well as the present from James, he'd received a basket of goodies from the Potter's and even a small gift from Andromeda and her family. His present from Remus was small but neatly wrapped in bright red paper, which Sirius ripped off with abandon to reveal what was inside.

From out of the wrapping fell a pair of gloves. At first Sirius felt a slight surge of disappointment at the strange gift choice, but upon further inspection a huge grin broke out over his face. They were clearly good quality, expensive looking leather gloves, with metal studs that ran across the back of the hand.

"Do you like them?" Remus asked anxiously from beside them. "They're for the bike, obviously."

"They're great!" Sirius replied honestly - although he had plenty of jackets that suited him fine when riding the bike, he was distinctly lacking any actual motorcycle equipment.

"Your turn then," he encouraged, nodding towards Remus' gift. "I know you've been dying to open it."

Remus pulled the box towards him, and Sirius felt suddenly nervous. He'd wanted to get Remus something good after the crappy year he'd had, had wanted to see the excitement on his face when he opened it – had wanted to make this Christmas feel special. He knew even as he thought it that it was a little odd – that he didn't have the same inclination when buying presents for his other friends. And, if he was completely honest with himself, he'd begun to understand why.

Ever since the Snape incident, when he'd felt as though Remus ignoring him was the worst fate in the world, his feelings towards Remus had changed. It was small things at first – appreciating his company more, feeling bashful when he made stupid jokes. But at some point it had morphed into something else – into staring at Remus' lips when he spoke; hugs that lingered for a little too long and made Sirius' heart beat too fast; a feeling of contentment that he couldn't quite explain when they were alone together.

It was deeply unsettling, to feel that way about his friend. Especially when he had no idea whether Remus felt the same. It was hard to tell – sometimes he could swear they flirted – and Remus never complained when he led beside him in the hospital wing for hours after the full moon. Still, there was every chance he was still out of it from the transformation at those times. He thought of the nights they'd spent by the fire, or walking by the lake over the holidays, and hoped that Remus might realise, eventually, that the whole week had seemed terrifyingly romantic to Sirius.

Grinning, Remus ripped off the paper and then opened the large box. With Sirius' help, he lifted out a gramophone.

"Wow," he said, admiring it. "Really, wow. This is amazing, you really shouldn't have-"

Sirius beamed. "I'm glad you like it."

"I love it! But it must have cost a fortune, and all I got you was gloves..."

"Are you suggesting my gloves aren't cool, Moony? Because by extension you are insulting my bike, and you know how I feel about my bike. Seriously though, Alphard left me all that money and I don't know what to do with it. If I don't spend it on you, you know I'll spend it on stupid stuff like a flying unicycle or a lifetime's supply of butterbeer."

Remus grinned, which of course made Sirius feel even more pleased with himself. "You're not wrong. As much as I want to try out the gramophone, shall we try the roller skates first? It doesn't stay light for long at this time of year and I'd rather not be skating in the dark, much as James wants us to fall in the lake."

"Sounds like a plan!" Sirius agreed, already reaching for the roller skates. James had bought him a red pair, while Remus' were a deep green. "I feel like this may be difficult in the snow, but we are Gryffindors and we will conquer the elements."

They trekked down to the front doors, not seeing a single person on their way. Thankfully, a small area directly outside the doors had already been cleared of snow, so they perched on the nearest bench and changed their shoes in favour of the skates.

"Have you ever actually done this before?" Remus asked, testing the skates on the ground while he was still safely sat down. There was only one thin line of wheels down the centre of each skate, and they didn't seem very stable.

"Nope," Sirius said jovially. He got to his feet without hesitation, but immediately fell back down, almost overbalancing and falling backwards off the bench. "Hmm," he mused. "I thought it would be easy."

"If a ten year old can master the skill then I'm sure we can too," Remus said. He stood up much more carefully than Sirius, managing to get to his feet without falling - that is until Sirius gave him a friendly shove and Remus wobbled forwards a few metres before crashing to the ground. Snow soaked through the knees of his trousers.

"You're a menace," Remus said as he struggled back up, but he was laughing. Sirius was stood precariously by him, arms out wide to try and keep his balance. "Give me your hands," he said, as Remus stood.

Remus cautiously skated back over to Sirius. "You're not about to push me over again, are you?"

"Not intentionally," Sirius said, "although if I go down, you're going down with me."

"Oh really?" Remus said. He took Sirius' hands and then carefully moved further away from the bench. The snow was thankfully not too slippery, but it stuck between the wheels and make it even harder to move. They managed to very slowly inch their way forward, holding hands for balance and wobbling as they tried to build up speed.

Letting go of one of Remus' hands, Sirius dug his wand out of his pocket and pointed it at the ground. "Incendio" he muttered. Just as he'd hoped, the spell cleared a path for him and Remus - the one thing he hadn't accounted for however, was the fact that the roller skates made them move much faster on smooth ground.

"Shit," Sirius said as he skidded forwards, still dragging Remus behind him.

"Stop!" Remus shouted, "Merlin, Sirius -

All at once, Sirius stopped the spell. He and Remus continued to roll forwards at their accelerated pace, but once the path was no longer clear, the snow quickly became caught in their skates, causing them to tumble forward and fall flat on their faces.

The speed left them rolling over one another in the snow a half dozen times before finally coming to a stop.

"Well" Sirius laughed, from where he had somehow ended up on top of Remus. "Do you think we mastered it?"

"Oh yes," Remus said solemnly, "we're totally pros."

He had instinctively grabbed Sirius to stop them from rolling any further, but his hands lingered on his hips.

Sirius stopped laughing. Despite lying in a pile of snow, he felt a sudden heat spread through him when Remus shifted beneath him. He shook himself, looking down at Remus, who was red in the face and breathing heavily, though still grinning. His eyes were full of laughter and fixed on Sirius, who realised slightly late that they hadn't said anything to each other in quite some time. Then he saw Remus' gaze flick down to his mouth - he couldn't have imagined it - and before he could think any more about what he was doing, he leant down and kissed Remus softly on the lips.

It only lasted for a few seconds, but it was like an explosion erupted inside Sirius. Something that hadn't been there before clicked into place, and when he pulled away all Sirius could think was 'shit, this is what we've been dancing around for all these months,' quickly followed by 'shit, what if he didn't like it?' He pushed himself up on his arms, giving Remus room to move if he wanted to.

Remus, for one, was panicking. As amazing as the kiss had been - and in the moment it had felt like he'd been waiting for it forever - the moment afterwards was them looking at each other and seeing two versions of themselves. Remus saw the Sirius he'd known, been friends with, shared a room with for over six years; and at the same time he saw the boy who had just kissed him in the snow. He didn't know how to reconcile the two, and he didn't know what he was supposed to say or do now, and he didn't know what this meant.

Stuttering, he said, "er, right then, well it's - uhm - it's getting cold so we should probably, you know..."

Sirius sat back as Remus scrambled to his feet - but he forgot that he was still wearing roller skates, and he immediately fell back down onto his face, cracking his nose hard against the ground.

"Shit," he muttered, his nose turning bright red from pain and his cheeks turning red from embarrassment.

Startled by Remus' abrupt reaction, and prompt reappearance on the ground, Sirius crawled across the snow to where Remus had fallen. He reached out, but withdrew his hand at the last minute. Remus was cradling his face in his hands, and there was a patch stark red blood splattered across the white snow.

"Are you okay?" He asked, not knowing how the moment had shattered so quickly. "Do you need to go to Madame Pomfrey?"

"Probably," Remus groaned. He moved his hands away from his face for a minute, and it was clear from the already forming bruise that his nose was most likely broken. "Bloody skates," he said, yanking them off his feet before he clambered back up.

Sirius did the same, though the ice cold snow quickly soaked through his socks, making him shiver.

They walked back up to the castle in an awkward silence, though Sirius' thoughts were whirling. Hadn't Remus wanted him to kiss him? This is what he'd been afraid of – that he'd imaged any signs, and Remus was freaked out by the whole thing - he had tried his best to run away.

They tugged their real shoes back on, and Sirius offered to carry both his own and Remus' skates while they walked up to the hospital. He almost said something on numerous occasions, but Remus looked somewhat angry as they made their way through the corridors - whether at his injury, or at Sirius himself, it was hard to tell.

Thankfully, they soon reached he hospital wing, and Sirius was spared their silence by Madame Pomfrey rushing over and fussing over Remus.

"What on earth happened?" She asked, taking in their wet cloths and shaking her head.

Sirius held up the two pairs of skates in response. Madame Pomfrey looked less than impressed.

"Well, I can take care of this easily enough. Mr Black, you'd best go back to your common room and warm up."

Remus and Sirius exchanged an awkward glance. Sirius though it might come across as rather rude to kiss someone and then leave them alone in the hospital. However, Remus' small nod indicated that he agreed with Madame Pomfrey, so it looked like he didn't have much choice.

"I'll, er, see you later then," he said to Remus, who attempted a smile. He slowly left as Madam Pomfrey guided Remus to an empty bed.

As he walked back to the Gryffindor Tower, he felt distinctly cold, and it wasn't just because of the snow.