Chapter 39 – The Future

The end of their seventh and final year at Hogwarts was approaching with alarming speed. Apparently realising that their students had had very little time to plan what they were doing once they left school, the Heads of House had agreed to give the seventh years permission to leave Hogwarts at will a few weeks before exams, so that they would be able to sort out their living and career arrangements for the coming year.

James couldn't apply to be an Auror until he had received his NEWT grades and none of his friends seemed particularly eager to apply for jobs, so only Lily had travelled to London early in the week. She had told James all about her interview with a friendly old witch who had accepted her as a trainee healer on the spot, assuming her grades were up to scratch.

Though James could still feel the weight of dread in his stomach, unable to ignore the increasingly frequent Daily Prophet reports of missing, injured or dead muggleborns, he and Lily were feeling much more hopeful about leaving Hogwarts than they had in recent weeks. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of his friends. Peter was going to live alone rather than be a third wheel to any of his friends, but he had shown very little enthusiasm at this idea. Sirius had initially been excited about house-hunting, but Remus' complete disinterest had dampened his spirits.

James had tried to get everyone to look at flats with him and Lily, but although everyone had agreed, only Peter had actually made it; Remus claimed he felt too ill and Sirius didn't want to go without him.

Even Peter had been quiet all day, and he'd gone to look at a nearby flat with much less eagerness than James and Lily.

"I'll leave you to it, shall I?" the estate agent said as the two of them stood in the doorway to a sizeable and brightly lit flat. She was a muggle and had looked at James' and Peter's mismatched outfits with bemusement. Thankfully at least Lily knew how to dress as a muggle and, for example, knew not to wear the bright green flares James had got her for Christmas. Still, despite them looking a little out of place, the estate agent was happy to show them around. "I'll be outside if you have any questions."

"Thanks," James said as the door shut behind them and they were left in an empty living room.

Lily looked around at the garish yellow walls and bare floorboards. If someone had shown her a picture of the room, she'd probably have thought it looked awful, but actually standing there, hand in hand with James, it didn't feel bad at all.

The block was in a reasonably small neighbourhood on the outskirts of London – fairly near to the city, but not so close that it would be overwhelming.

"It's nice," she said, glancing at James. "It's... a grown up place where real couples live."

"Grown up," he repeated. Not so long ago the idea would have filled him with disdain; he was a marauder at heart and never wanted to give up the Gryffindor part of him that loved nothing more than pranks and Quidditch and adventures. But looking at Lily, he realised there was a new part of him that wanted to start a long and happy life with her, and that part of him was filled with excitement about them moving in together. "I guess that's us now, huh?"

"I guess so," she replied, smiling at him.

He squeezed her hand and they moved into the kitchen, which was small but adequate, with shiny cabinets and a round table pushed into one corner.

They both giggled when they went into the only bedroom, and Lily felt all simultaneously like an adult and more like a teenager than she ever had before. She figured that maybe, for a little while, it was okay to feel like both.

"I like it," she told James, "better than the other one this morning, and it's closer to my parents, which is good."

"Yeah," James replied. He looked at her again, a wave of sadness tugging down the corners of his smile.

Lily's father had been diagnosed with dementia only a few weeks previously, and James didn't entirely understand what it meant, but he knew that it was serious, and that Lily was terrified for him. With everything else that was happening in the wizarding world, James silently cursed the muggle diseases that seemed intent on causing the people he cared about so much pain.

"Don't look so worried," Lily told him, noticing his expression. "I'll be fine!" She said it with a little too much force, but James let her smile at him and joke about where in the room they'd put their bed.

Once they'd looked in all four of the rooms, they stood holding hands by the window, looking out at the unfamiliar streets. James felt a pang of sadness as he thought about how moving in with Lily meant leaving behind his shared dorm. "I hope Peter likes that other flat," he said. "And there are a few more places around here so maybe Remus and Sirius will live close by too."

"You're still going to be friends," Lily said firmly. "You know that, right? You've been inseparable for too long to grow apart now. I don't know how our lives are going to turn out, but not everything has to change just because we're leaving school."

"I hope you're right," James said quietly.

Sirius had been busying himself with sorting out the schedule for practice sessions for their last Quidditch match, which was quickly approaching. He'd offered to do it while James, Lily and Peter were out in London, and he'd finally managed to work it around everyone's schedules, before giving it to Chloe, who insisted on colour coding it before pinning it up.

He'd been casting glances across the common room at Remus all morning, who was stubbornly scrawling transfiguration notes across a growing pile of parchment. Sirius had been excited about going to look at flats with the others, but when Remus had said he wasn't feeling well, Sirius had agreed to stay behind.

"Hey," he said, sinking into the chair beside Remus, "how are you feeling?"

"What?" Remus asked, looking annoyed to be pulled away from his work. "Oh, yeah, better."

"Good!" Sirius smiled, "maybe we could go and look at those flats another day this week instead."

"Hmm," Remus said, eyes scanning his notes.

Sirius paused, watching Remus, who as far as he could tell was determinedly not looking at him.

Then a thought occurred to Sirius, and a cold feeling spread uncomfortably through him.

"I never actually asked you, did I?" Sirius said, and Remus finally looked at him, though his expression was merely one of confusion. "I just presumed that we'd live together. But now we're together I guess - I didn't consider that you might not want to - if we're moving too fast."

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a long sigh, followed by, "I can't do this right now."

"Do what?" Sirius asked, confused.

"This." Remus stood up and started to pick up his things.

"This?" Sirius repeated. "Us? Because we don't have to - we can -"

"Sirius."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"No." Remus said, then, "I don't think so. I just -" he shook his head.

"You can't just say stuff like that without explaining!" Sirius said. He could feel himself getting angry, his voice raising as he spoke.

"Well I'm sorry I can't be exactly what you want all the damn time," Remus shouted back, equally angry, then he laughed in a way that didn't betray an ounce of humour. "You can't just make everything right all the time." He sighed, then added more gently: "I wish you could."

Sirius watched him abandon his transfiguration notes and hurry out of the portrait hole, the door swinging shut behind him.

Peter found himself standing alone in an empty flat, his footsteps echoing slightly. It was hard to imagine this blank space devoid of furniture as home. Really, it was hard to think of anywhere other than Hogwarts as his home; he had never expected to make such close friends at school, but now that he'd experienced being accepted unquestioning, he didn't want to lose that feeling. He wasn't sure he could ever find friends like James, Sirius and Remus again if he lost them.

But it wasn't as though he'd had a choice in the matter. It had all been decided without so much as a discussion that everyone would pair off and Peter would be left on his own. He'd tried to act cheerful about the prospect but he didn't think he'd succeeded. All he could think was "this is how it's going to be from now on."

He didn't know anything about how to choose a place to live, so after he'd stood in the doorway of every room and surveyed it with disinterest, he returned to the street outside and handed the estate agent the key. She was busy talking to a couple who looked only a few years older than Peter; the woman was wearing an engagement ring and the man had his arm around her.

"I'll let you in," the estate agent said to them. "It's a perfect first home for a couple; the rent is cheap for the amount of space you get and there's a lovely double bedroom."

Their voices faded and Peter was left standing on the pavement by himself. Lily and James were across the street a few doors down and he could just about see their silhouettes in the window. How was it that everyone except him had already found someone they loved? How had seven years of friendship led to Peter standing out here on his own?

Lily and James had just moved away from the window and out of sight when the estate agent reappeared.

"So?" she asked. "Is it a good fit for you?"

Peter shrugged. "I'm not going to find anywhere better."

It was 3am that night and Remus was still awake. Thoughts about his future were crowding his brain and the anxiety rolling around his stomach was making him feel claustrophobic. He considered waking up Sirius to talk to him, but given the argument they'd had earlier that didn't seem like a good idea. Besides, Sirius didn't deserve having to deal with all of Remus' problems.

Instead, he quietly slipped out of bed, putting on slippers and a dressing gown and carefully retrieving the invisibility cloak from under James' bed. He didn't really have any concrete ideas about where he was going, but once he was out of the Gryffindor tower he decided he needed some fresh air. Sneaking out of the main doors would be risky even with the invisibility cloak, so he climbed the Astronomy Tower stairs until he reached the roof where other students would have been peering through telescopes just a few hours ago.

It was a still night and the cool air managed to settle his stomach and his thoughts, leaving him with a dull feeling of nostalgia. Hogwarts had been his haven for so many years, the one place where being a werewolf hadn't held him back. He had thought he'd felt better about his prospects after talking to Sirius on the day of the careers fair, but every time his friends cheerfully discussed flats and jobs and futures, he was reminded that he couldn't live the way they could. Even with Voldemort making the world a more dangerous place, there was still hope for everyone else. Everyone but Remus.

He had always known the way things would be, but the life he'd led at Hogwarts had allowed him to believe things might be better than he'd imagined. Yet as the future approached, Remus became more and more sure that he had nothing to be hopeful for.

Sirius couldn't sleep. He'd been drifting in and out of consciousness, but the fight he'd had earlier with Remus kept drawing him back to wakefulness. Them barely speaking for the rest of the day seemed ridiculous now his anger had cooled. He wasn't even sure exactly why they were fighting, but he was determined to clear the air.

He rolled out of bed and was met with the sight of Remus' empty one. He knew that Remus had a tendency to walk around the grounds to clear his head when he was upset, and Sirius simultaneously found his flightiness endearing and irritating.

He looked under James' bed for the cloak but, as expected, it was already gone. Wishing they still had the map, Sirius pulled on a regular cloak and heading out of the dormitory. He could check outside - but would Remus really risk going down there so late and alerting Filch? No - he'd check the astronomy tower first and maybe the room of requirement; they were closer, and with any luck he'd get there without being seen.

Though it was mid May, the night air was still cold and Remus shivered a little as he took the invisibility cloak off and leant his elbows on the wall of the Astronomy Tower, looking down over the Hogwarts grounds. There were no lights except the stars and the crescent moon, which as always he couldn't help but be aware of. Up here, with the silent castle beneath his feet, he felt very alone.

And then he heard the shuffle of feet behind him. Thinking it was a teacher looking for students out of bed, he reached for the invisibly cloak, but before he could throw it over himself he heard a familiar voice say, "Hey, Moony."

Remus met Sirius' gaze, and he was both glad that Sirius had found him and regretful that he hadn't managed to pull the cloak over himself before Sirius had arrived.

"Hi," was all he said.

They both awkwardly looked away, and then Sirius blurted out, "Are we still fighting or what? Because I don't even know what we're supposed to be fighting about."

Remus felt a flicker of anger, which he knew wasn't Sirius' fault, but that didn't help to dim the harshness of his tone when he said, "Yeah, of course you don't have a clue."

"That's not fair," Sirius said, stepping into Remus' space. He took Remus' hand, which was pulled away. Frowning, he added, "You can talk to me you know, about whatever's bothering you. If it's me - or something else."

"Sirius." Remus took a step away. "Not everything is about you."

"That's not what I said," Sirius argued. "I just thought – you didn't want to go to London with the others, and you've been avoiding me, so..." He wrapped his arms around himself uncomfortably. "What am I supposed to think?"

"It's not that I don't want to live with you," Remus said in frustration. "It's that we shouldn't – you shouldn't want to live with me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It won't be like Hogwarts," Remus said, his voice growing louder as he gestured away from the school. "The rest of the world isn't like it is here! Not everyone is going to be as accepting of what I am as Dumbledore is."

"I thought we talked about this at the careers fair. If this is about money you know I have more than I know what to do with."

"You don't understand!" Remus shouted, unable to bottle up his anger. For years he'd pushed back his anger and fear about the life he had to lead; the future he'd wanted had been stolen from him all those years ago, and it was only now that he was facing the rest of his life with no plans and no prospects that he was finally feeling the full weight of the burden he carried. "You're imagining a life that I can never have! It'll be hard enough being two guys living together but being a werewolf on top of that will make this impossible. I have no future and I'm – I'm scared that I'm just going to drag you down with me."

"That's what this is about?" Sirius asked. "Look, I know it won't always be easy – I'm not an idiot. But we'll find a way to make it work, just like we always have."

"But what if it we can't? What if as soon as we leave school everything gets too hard and it all falls apart?"

Sirius shrugged. "Nothing has ever been easy for either of us, Remus. Just because something's difficult doesn't mean we should give up on it."

Remus just looked at him, breathing heavily. As the end of the school year had drawn closer, his worries about the future had filled his mind, like a balloon growing bigger and tighter until it was ready to pop. Now he'd let out all of his thoughts, he felt deflated: at once relieved and resigned and tired, always tired.

"Listen to me," Sirius said more gently, moving closer again. "Maybe the odds are against us, Merlin knows horrible things have been happening, but we've always got through the shit times, yeah? Me, you, James and Pete? I never thought that we'd end up together like this but, Remus, I can't lose that - you - now."

This time, when Sirius reached for his hand, Remus linked their fingers together.

"Okay," Remus said, though doubt still hovered at the edge of his mind.

"Okay?" Sirius repeated.

"We'll look at places to live," Remus said tentatively. "And after exams we'll start looking for jobs. And... we'll work out the rest when we get there."

Sirius beamed at him, and as Remus finally allowed himself to think about a future spent together, he felt the first glimmer of hope he'd had in months.

When they left the astronomy tower a while later, the invisibility cloak was all but forgotten in the pocket of Remus' dressing gown. They could have both fit underneath it easily enough, but a quiet kind of calm had fallen over the two of them in the dim light and silence of the castle, making the cloak seem needless.

That was until they rounded a corner and came face to face with the headmaster.

Remus instinctively jumped backwards at the surprising appearance of Dumbledore, and Sirius let out a yelp that he would later completely deny.

After realising that Dumbledore was in fact not a murderer, or even worse, Peeves, they caught their breath, and Remus let go of Sirius' hand in favour of stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Sirius was about to offer some kind of excuse to explain their presence in the corridor so late, but before he could think of anything Dumbledore spoke.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked. "I'm having the same problem. A night time stroll does seem to help settle a few things in one's mind, does it not?"

Sirius was still getting over the surprise at not being told off when Remus replied, "Yes, exactly, we were just - this whole preparing for the future thing is a bit overwhelming. Sorry for being out of bed so late, Professor."

"Quite understandable," Dumbledore replied cheerfully. "I'm glad to see the two of you seem to have resolved whatever problems you were having." He glanced down at where their hands had been linked and Remus felt his cheeks turn red.

"Er, thanks, Professor," Sirius said.

Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling. "Well now, you'd better hurry off to bed. I saw Mr Filch not long ago and he tends to be a bit less forgiving of restless wanderings. Goodnight, both of you."

"Night, Professor," Remus said, as they watched with some bewilderment as Dumbledore walked away, his slippers slapping against the stone floor.

"What was that all about?" Sirius asked as soon as the headmaster was out of earshot.

He and Remus continued walking, speeding up a little with the threat of Filch nearby.

"A lot of teachers are more forgiving than you'd think if you're not actually up to anything," Remus shrugged.

"You're saying that this is a regular occurrence for you?" Sirius said, completely baffled. "You're such a good little prefect that you can wander around the castle whenever you like? 'Oh no Remus, don't worry about being out of bed in the middle of the night, you just carry on, while you're here would you like some tea?'"

"Only McGonagall ever offers me tea," Remus smirked.

"This is outrageous. I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed... nope, I'm going with impressed. You're a man of many talents, Moony. Clearly you have won the hearts of many a Professor - I should be jealous."

"You should," Remus said. "McGonagall makes much better tea than you do."

"I'll have to get her to teach me the great art of tea making for when we're living together. Your boyfriend has to meet your tea standards, after all."

"I think seven years of teaching you transfiguration has probably put her off teaching you anything else."

Sirius pretended to be offended. "I'll have you know I am a delight to teach."

Remus grinned, and they were both still smiling when they reached the Gryffindor Tower and quietly slipped into Remus' bed together. This time, sleep came easily and they both drifted off to the sound of Peter's snores.