Chapter 11

A silence so deep I could drown in it fills the air between us. His whole face seems to contort into hurt and I am instantly regretting my foolish words – how dare I think that just because he seems to love me, he can forgive me for what I did.

"I can't," he finally says, his voice cutting across me. "You just – the baby – I won't." He looks into my eyes and I read into his words. He can't because of the Games, because of my miscarriage. He won't because of Gale. And I do not blame him. Gale is like an overwhelming shadow that hangs over us. Will I ever be able to escape it?

"I know," I say back, but I'm trying so hard not to cry. It was a stupid idea. I was stupid. I try to shimmy out of his grasp but my body is far too weak and he does not let me go.

"Katniss I –"

"It was a mistake okay!" I yell. Peeta's hand goes over my mouth and we pause, hearing the stir of Finnick and Johanna outside. When they stop moving and all is quiet again, he removes his hand. "It was a mistake," I whisper this time, holding back tears. It's the only way I can tell him sleeping with Gale was one of the worst things I've ever done. "I love you. I never meant to – I wish I hadn't –"

"Shh," he murmurs, stroking the back of my head. "I know." I feel his lips brush over my forehead. "I believe you." And it sounds like he truly does. I close my eyes because….this might be enough. I can die happy, with him holding me.

There is an hour of us drifting in and out of sleep. I try not to move too much because it disrupts my wound and a little blood trickles out. When I accidently turn, I gasp at the pain it sends through me. This rouses Peeta from his half-sleep and he looks down at me with concern. "Katniss."

"I'm okay," I lie, patting the back of his hand. I ease the rate of my breathing slowly but it's tough. "I'm okay."

I try to settle back into sleep but Peeta won't stop staring down at me. I can't decipher the emotion on his face as I usually can. "What?" I finally ask.

He doesn't say anything. Instead he swoops down and kisses me hard. His mouth moulds to mine, pushing my lips open to allow his tongue access. It's a kiss we've never shared before and it tells me that things are going somewhere. I jolt underneath him and he pulls back. He clears his throat, looking embarrassed. "Katniss I…..I thought that you wanted….."

I do. But I'm so very scared. Of dying. Of losing him. Of doing this with everyone potentially watching us. If I die though, I don't want it to be without having given him every part of me. It hasn't been long since the miscarriage. It's far too soon to think about anything like this, let alone do anything but my time is running out. I need to be with Peeta. Just this once. Just in case I die.

"Please," I beg him in a childlike whisper. He bends his head down, lingering over my face, relishing the sight before him. He touches my cheek and I shiver. He drags his fingers down my jaw and I breathe hard into his skin. Then he kisses me, soft and slow, and a flame flickers inside of me. He tugs his head back and puts a finger to his lips. I nod; we will have to be quiet. We might get away with not being seen by the cameras in the tent but they might hear us if we're loud.

He extinguishes the light in the corner and we are shrouded in darkness. I am sure they cannot see us now, if anything only our light shadows and that will have to be enough. He takes off his shredded shirt and pants until he's only in his underwear. Then he attempts to get my clothes off which proves a little hard, considering I can barely move. I lift my ginger body up slightly so he can get my arms out of my sleeves. He is careful not to disrupt the moss leaf bandages or move me.

Peeta then moves down and slowly yanks my pants to my ankles and all of my undergarments. I keep my eyes closed the whole time and open them only when Peeta kisses me. He is suspended above me, as exposed as I am. He is trying to be careful not to put any weight on me and I know it's difficult for him.

"You are so….." he trails off and kisses the hollow of my neck. "There aren't any words that do you justice," he admits with a rueful smile when his head ducks back up. He kisses along my collarbone and presses a hand across my heart. "I can feel your heartbeat. It's pounding like crazy."

I smile at him, grazing my fingers down his face. He kisses them one by one. "I can't help it," I admit, my pale skin giving way to a bright blush.

I lift the arm that doesn't feel numb and clutch at his waist. He enters slowly and though there is no deep pain as there was with Gale, there is an ache in my lower body, which is probably from doing this so soon after the miscarriage. But after a minute, it is much easier. There is no agony, just a love so deep that it encompasses us both. As he finds a rhythm, I find it impossible to the keep the pleasure inside of me. I have to bury my mouth in his shoulder so I don't moan. Peeta keeps his head on my shoulder, panting hard in my ear. He breathes my name over and over again. There is no awkwardness, no uncertainness. Everything feels natural, like it's meant to be. This is not for Peeta, as it was for Gale. It is for the both of us. What we want. What we need.

Peeta speeds up and I know he's close, as I am. He's practically in pain trying to keep so quiet and I'm actually biting his skin to stay silent. He looks sideways at me and meets my eyes. I can tell what he's asking even when he doesn't say anything – he wants to know if he can let go. I nod at him and he kisses below my ear on the sensitive part of my neck. He straightens his body and our eyes meet – grey Seam and bright blue. He bends down and joins our lips together, kissing me like he never ever wants to let me go again. Then we spill over the edge together, our moans falling into each other's mouths. He holds me as close as he can without hurting me until he gradually stops moving. He stays up above me for the longest time and we just breathe each other in, not wanting to end this moment. But eventually we end up back next to each other in the sleeping bag, still naked. None of us have the strength yet to get dressed.

A part of me wishes that we had more time, that we could have done everything properly, maybe even gotten married. But even now, I can feel myself crashing back from my high. All of that pleasure masked how bad a shape I really am in. I can feel it all now though and I'm sure I won't last through to the next day.

I sleep in Peeta's arms, a fitful, dreamless sleep. There are no nightmares. Just utter tranquillity. I almost forget where we are. Until light breaks in and Finnick is tapping on the tent.

"You guys up?" he asks. I sneak a peek at Peeta, who has already started to dress himself.

"Just a minute," Peeta replies in an even voice. He puts all of my undergarments back on me and my pants which I appreciate. I help him get my top back on and we straighten ourselves best we can. He helps me out of the tent and into a standing position. I make sure I don't wince so he doesn't see how much pain I'm. How close I am to death.

He holds onto me, helping my feet move weakly forward. He kisses the side of my face with a smile and it seems he can't stop being happy. I smile back at him, just to disguise my pain.

"Morning," Finnick greets. He doesn't look up from the shellfish that he is cleaning in his hands.

"Morning Finnick," Peeta says back. "You could have woken me up for a shift if you needed."

"It's alright. Johanna and I handled it." Peeta goes off to the water to wash his face and Finnick smirks at me. "Sounded like you were busy anyway."

Looking away, I tell him in an offhand voice, "Shut up Finnick."

I hear him chuckle lowly and I sink down into the sand. I simply don't have the strength to stand. Finnick looks over at me with worry. He's by my side as soon as I sit down. "You okay?"

Peeta's back within earshot so I simply fix him with a stare that I hope conveys everything: I am dying.

Peeta kisses me as soon as he returns. "Lie down," he tells me. "I'll change the moss bandages."

I lie back weakly in the sand. It must cost too much for Haymitch to get what will save me. Either that or he's waiting to the wire for some entertainment factor. But then again, he's not exactly like that.

We move camps to escape the oncoming trauma that the arena will bring. Peeta leads the way and Finnick carries me in his arms carefully with Johanna and Beetee behind us. He sets me down and Peeta is quick to come to my side. Just as he bends down, a parachute arrives by our feet. Peeta dives for it straight away. It is filled with supplies. There is a bowl of broth, a tub of thick paste, a roll of bandages and a tablet. I know what everything else is for but the tiny pill intrigues me. It is bright blue and obviously meant for me but what does it mean?

Peeta takes the tub of paste and dabs gently at my side. Then he takes the gauze and winds it around my stomach until I am so tightly wrapped up it is hard to move. But I feel better at least. This cream will keep me alive a little longer. I offer the broth to all of them but it seems none of them will take it from me. Peeta takes a few sips before insisting I eat the rest. He sets up the tent and I rest in there for a little bit. I am in the middle of gulping down soup when it lands in my mouth. I pull it out, shake my saliva off of it and hold it up to my eyes.

Haymitch has snuck a piece of paper into the broth.

It's covered in some kind of plastic so the ink has not run. We can't afford any more accidents. Make sure you take the pill.

Accidents? Does he know about….?

I instantly pick the pill up and swallow it with the quart of water by my side. With a tiny smile, I shake my head. Guess we weren't so secretive after all.

When I emerge, Peeta is waiting for me. "Did you figure out what that pill was?" he asks.

I decide not to tell him. "No but I took it anyway. It was important enough for Haymitch to want me to have it."

He shrugs and I notice Finnick has disappeared down the beach, hunting in the water with his trident. Johanna is sitting nearby, looking a little disgruntled. I wonder how many other tributes there are left besides us. I'm pretty sure Enobaria is the only one left from the Careers but there a few others I'm unsure of. Chaff. The morphlings. I haven't been paying as close attention as I should to the skies.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, reaching out to feel my forehead,

"Much better," I answer truthfully. I study Peeta's face as he moves his hands down to my arm and rubs up and down. Is he regretting last night? Did he only do it because I thought he would die and now I haven't. Not yet anyway. I'm still alive and he has to accept what we both did. "Look, last night –"

"Not a word," he cuts me off with a smile. He kisses my forehead and I lift my hands to his chest. We stand with each other, still wrapped up in the ecstasy of last night. I know this is so much that we haven't dealt with, so much we can't here but right now I don't even care. All I can see Peeta and his smile and his eyes.

A scream pierces the air and both Peeta and I go still. Before Peeta can stop me, I am throwing myself towards the noise. The paste is working miracles on the wound in my side but I am still so frail. I know this, yet I must reach the voice behind the scream. It doesn't matter that I cannot move quickly, that I stagger and wobble unsteadily. None of this stops me.

Because the voice is Prim's.

GALE

"Gale stop!" I ignore my mother's voice, consumed by the rage smothering my head. I kick the rocking chair where my mother used to rock Posy to sleep and it smashes on the ground. I hear Posy crying in the background but all I can hear is Katniss's words.

I love you.

Those words are ricocheting off the walls and hitting me again and again. Each one sends me into a further frenzy. She told me she didn't believe in love. She couldn't tell me when we made love. I gave her space. I didn't push her. And now…..

I yank all of the dishes off of the table and they smash on the ground. Posy is openly sobbing in my mother's arms but I cannot bring myself to stop. I am ablaze.

I had her. For the shortest moment in history she was mine. All mine. She was pregnant with my baby. Mine. And when she lost it, I lost her. Lost any claim I might have had on her. But we're a mistake apparently. We're a mistake and she told him that she loved him. I know she slept with him; anyone with a brain paying close enough attention could see that they weren't just cuddling in that tent. She knew I was watching and yet…

I love you.

We could have been so happy, me and her. We could have been a family, run away into the woods with our baby. But now, she is never coming back to me. Even if she survives this, I'll never have her again. It'll always be Peeta. Maybe it always has been and I've just been so stupid not to see it. I'm so stupid.

My brain vaguely registers the sound of a closing door. Then hurried footsteps and suddenly arms are wrapping around me. It's Vick and Rory holding me down. They're doing their best but I am stronger than them. I pull an arm out and it smacks Rory in the face. He falls to the ground and clutches his eye.

"Look at what you're doing Gale," Vick says, letting go of me to tend to Rory. Rory looks up and I can see a quickly forming bruise underneath his left eye. This shocks me out of my stupor. I did that to him. My own brother. Who I swore I would do anything to protect.

I stand there, unsteady on my feet. I feel like I'm floating. Like I've escaped my body and this world and I'm just looking down at myself, watching this person who feels like a stranger.

They all stare at me, stare at this stranger in their house. Posy finally stops crying, her wet, tear stained face buried in my mother's clothes. Vick gets to his feet and I can see him moving slowly towards me. Everything then seems to happen in slow motion. Before he can reach me, the door smashes open and footsteps thunder on the floor. Hands are grabbing me, pushing away my brothers. They are forcing me to the ground, clamping my wrists behind my back and slamming handcuffs on them.

"What are you doing?" Hazelle screams, "Let go of him!"

The Capitol accent is thick in the man's voice when he speaks. "Gale Hawthorne is under arrest, from order of President Snow."

I should fight them. I should kick and scream but I can't. One of the men smashes me in the back of the head and my eyes go unfocused but I can hear my mother screaming and my brothers's yelling, trying to force their way to me. I see a shadow in the corner - Posy huddled in fear.

They pull me out by the hair, away from my family, away from the rage that has taken me over. I let them because I'm already dead. My family's voices die out and all I can hear is three words and eight letters echoing in my head, pounding against the walls of my brain.

I love you.

I know some of you had some concerns that it was too soon for Peeta/Katniss and they had unresolved issues but the way I looked at it was - if the person you loved was possibly dying and you had only one chance to be with them, wouldn't you take it? And just being in the arena means only one of them will come out so they only have little time left. I tried to make Peeta as conflicted about it as possible to prove he hasn't forgotten about what happened with Gale but is big enough to realise that it was a mistake.

Anyway, I hoped you liked it. Review if you did :)