Chapter 2
At those words, my heads seems to become a whole lot clearer. Finnick is trying to hold me as carefully as possible, as not to hurt me. I look up at him as he speed walks down the hallway. His bronze hair is in disarray and patches of uneven stubble have broken out along his jaw. He looks positively wild. Anyone would be frightened of Finnick but I trust him completely.
We stop suddenly against the wall. It seems like the whole ward has emptied. There is only one nurse, and she sits at her desk, looking awfully bored. Her back is to us luckily and Finnick takes off.
"You can let me down now Finnick," I say. The jiggling in Finnick's arms is making me feel sick. I can feel most of the feeling returning to my legs so I think I could manage to walk without too much trouble. He glances down.
"You're still weak Katniss. That drug they gave you was strong." He says it like he knows from personal experience. I wonder how many times they've had to use such a strong tranquiliser on him.
"Well if you won't put me down, you could at least brush your teeth once in a while," I say as casually as possible. "Maybe use some mouthwash. Your breath stinks."
Finnick actually laughs and something like happiness takes over his face. I smile up at him. It's been so long since I heard such a sound, a sound of pure joy. No one laughs much around here. No one really has any reason to. But still, it's nice. Finnick deserves happiness more than anyone I know.
"Okay," he says with a grin, resting me down onto my feet slowly. "I'll think about it."
It turns out my legs are still a little weak but Finnick holds onto my side and we walk sluggishly until we reach a room. Finnick checks to see if the coast is clear before pushing me inside and closing the door behind us.
That tiny, fleeting second of joy disappears as we both remember what's going on. Peeta. Gale. Annie. The Capitol. We can never forget for too long.
Finnick goes to the television and fiddles with it until it turns on. "What is this place?" I ask.
"Break room," he answers just as the television springs to life. He turns back to me with a sad smile. "Lucky everyone is watching this downstairs not to disturb the patients."
He takes a seat next to me and pats the back of my hand briefly before drawing it back to his chin. I bring my knees up to my chest and hug them tight to keep myself from shuddering.
The Capitol theme plays quietly and I whisper to Finnick to turn it up. He does and the anthem dies out to be replaced by an image of Caesar Flickerman. I have to remind myself to stay calm because nothing's happened yet. Caesar talking with them means they are still alive. That's a good thing, right?
"Thank you for joining us tonight for this special Capitol broadcast," Caesar greets. He doesn't seem like his usual jovial self. There is something different in his face, in his voice. Is he just as unhappy at having to talk with Peeta and Gale?
"We have with us tonight, two very special guests. Let's welcome them out now." The camera cuts to an image of Peeta and Gale walking out onto the stage. I actually stumble out of my chair, fall onto my knees and scramble to the television. I touch the screen, tracing the outline of Peeta's body. He is dressed in a fine blue suit that matches his eyes, his blonde hair slicked back expertly. Beside him, Gale walks tall. He is wearing a charcoal shirt and dress pants and if I know him, and I do, he is not happy about these fine Capitol clothes. Both are their faces are grim, serious, and I am suddenly scared for what they will say on live television – about me.
I feel Finnick's hand on my shoulder and I move back away from the television but I don't climb back into my seat, instead just staying sprawled on the floor.
They both sit down opposite Caesar, careful to keep a distance between themselves. It is obvious that these hardships have not brought them closer. "Now you all know the charming Peeta but you might be unfamiliar with this boy sitting right next to him," says Caesar, nodding his head at Gale. Gale looks resentful of being called a boy when he is legally a man and possesses the physique of one but a cool smile spreads on his face. "This strapping young gentleman is Gale Hawthorne, from District 12. Why don't you tell the people about yourself Gale?"
Gale shrugs. Next to him Peeta tenses. "Not much to tell you really."
"Oh come on now, that's not true. This here is Katniss Everdeen's cousin."
Gale grimaces for a second. Peeta's fists tighten and so does my chest. Any second now, they could make them tell the whole world that Peeta and I have been living a lie. If they crush the idea of the star crossed lovers that the rebellion have been pinning their hopes on, they could destroy us all.
They could crush the rebellion with a single master stroke.
"Let's talk with you first Peeta," Caesar says. "I must say, I never thought we'd be talking ever again."
"You're not the only one," Peeta replies evenly. Next to him, Gale is staring off into the audience. He looks exactly like I did the first time I sat on that couch – overawed, even a little scared at all the people staring back.
"Everyone could see that you were willing to sacrifice your life for Katniss and your child's. Did that change when Katniss miscarried?"
I stop mid-breath. My eyes are frozen on Gale. He looks like he is trying to tear through his gums with his teeth by the way his jaw has locked together. Peeta's eyes flicker ever so briefly Gale's way but Gale continues to stare off into the distance. The audience is so silent it is like they aren't even there.
"The miscarriage was….difficult " Peeta eventually answers, clasping his hands together. "It definitely put a strain on our…..relationship but we've been through a lot together. History that can't be forgotten."
Finnick thumps me on the back and I rapidly suck in a few breaths. I instantly begin to dissect Peeta's answer. His answer was very carefully worded. In some ways, he has said that yes, he was still willing to die for me. But there is enough in his comments to put doubt in the mind of the audience about Peeta and I. Snow has done this deliberately, taunting me, showing me that he can put words in Peeta's mouth. That he controls what Peeta says now.
"Now you both obviously love her - " You have no idea Caesar " – and care for her. We all know that Katniss was picked up by the rebels. What are your thoughts?"
Peeta and Gale share a quick glance. I'm not sure if anyone else sees it but I know Gale so well it is hard not to. A muscle in his face twitches and his fingers curl under the ridge of the couch.
"We have nothing to say Caesar. We don't know any more about this rebellion than you do. For all you know, they could be forcing her into doing what they want. She might not be there by choice."
"We just want Katniss to do the right thing," Gale says quietly. But like Peeta, his answers are ambiguous. 'The right thing' could be anything. "We just want this war to end."
There is a round of polite applause. Gale gazes down into his lap and Peeta rubs his face. "Are we done Caesar? We're both very tired."
"We are. Have a well-deserved break you two." Caesar turns to the camera. "This concludes our special broadcast."
The screen fades to black and some propaganda about the impending war plays. Finnick turns it off and we sit there in silence. I hang my head between my knees, hiding the tears pouring out of me. They're okay. For now.
I barely register Finnick wrapping his arms around me, lifting me to my feet and dragging me back to my bed.
"Wake up Catnip." My eyes open straight away and I see Gale staring down at me those Grey seam eyes of his, and handsomely chiselled face.
"Gale!" I reach my arms up, to throw them around him in a hug but he disappears into the air before I can touch him. I lurch to my feet. I am on the Games interview stage, the one where I have sat many times before. In the seat where Caesar is usually found, Peeta rests, his legs folded over one another.
I rush towards him without another word, throwing myself into his lap. Unlike Gale, he does not fall through my fingers like nothing. He is real. I can feel him; feel his breath against my skin, his fingers as they run down my arm. I dip my head forward and press my lips to his, kissing him as hard and long as I can. But during the kiss, I feel something change. I open my eyes and find that Peeta has changed into Gale. I jump off of him as quickly as I can, falling back into the floor. Gale smirks down at me.
"What's the matter Catnip? Cat got your tongue?" he asks, poking his own tongue out at me. Peeta appears out of nowhere, bending down next to me. He takes my hand in his and gently kisses my forehead.
"I love you Peeta. It's you," I whisper into his shoulder. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Gale roll his eyes.
Peeta pulls back, staring at me sadly as he twirls a piece of my dark hair around one of his fingers. He doesn't say 'I love you too.' He doesn't tell me how much he misses me, how he's counting down the days until he can be with me again. He just says, 'I know.'
And I feel empty.
I wake up in a sweat, Peeta's words ringing in my ears. There is a shadow in the corner, watching me, and for a crazy second, I think it is Peeta. But then I see the flash and glint of glass and I relax into my bed.
"Watching me sleep is damn creepy," I mutter viciously.
"Well someone needs to keep an eye on you sweetheart," Haymitch answers, sipping from his glass. "Seems you can't do what you're told."
"Neither can you, seeing as I told you to save Peeta," I retort, snuggling deeper into my covers.
"I know you saw it Katniss." I go still under the quilt, my heart fluttering in my chest. "I may be drunk but I ain't stupid. You've been crying in your sleep for the last ten minutes, muttering his name nonstop."
I reach up to touch my face, and sure enough, my skin is wet with tears. I remember how Peeta used to whisper my name in his sleep before we went back into the Games again.
"You want me to say I'm sorry?" he asks suddenly. "You want me to beg for forgiveness?"
"Yes."
"Fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put your life before Peeta's, when he was the best of all of us. When he deserves to live more than we both do. You happy now?"
No. Maybe. A little. "I won't be happy until we save them. Why aren't you doing anything?"
Haymitch sighs in the darkness and I can see him stretch out his legs until they are resting on the foot of my bed. "It's not because I don't want to, trust me it's not. Plutarch's on our side but he can't do anything unless Coin approves. She has the last call."
I grit my teeth. Of course. President Coin, the president of District 13, hasn't exactly taken a shine to me. She came to see me once when I first arrived, to gauge where I stood on the whole mockingjay thing. I didn't answer, asking her instead when she was going to send someone out to The Capitol to rescue Peeta and Gale. She left the room and hasn't come back to see me since.
"Then I'll go myself." This plan is stupid and I am well aware of that but right now it is all I have. "You can come too if you want," I throw in, because I know that despite what Haymitch has done, he is the only one around here who cares about Peeta as much as I do.
"Tell me, do you really think getting senselessly killed is the way to go? Do you really think it would make Peeta happy to know you got killed trying to save him on a suicide mission?"
It would make him incredibly angry. He'd probably curse me. But that doesn't change anything. "We have to save them."
"I know. And we will. He's not going to kill them."
"Yet."
"He needs them alive to get to you Katniss," Haymitch points out. "They're no use to him dead."
One of them is. That's why Snow took them both. He knows he could afford to kill one of them and still have use for the other. He knows that Gale has the potential to destroy the whole star-crossed lovers angle that the rebellion have been pushing. He knows too much.
Haymitch throws back the last contents of his glass and gives a small cough. I lie there for a while, trying to come up with rescue plans that don't mean my imminent death. My hazy recollection of the day before comes back to me and I pull myself up and out from underneath my thick blankets. "Hazelle. I should – I should talk to her."
"That's not wise at the moment. You need to rest. There will be plenty of time to talk with her later."
"Haymitch – "
"Don't argue Katniss. Do you know they were close to letting you go back to live with your mother and Prim before yesterday's episode?"
No, I didn't know that. They've kept me in the hospital for the whole three weeks since we got here, without even so much as a mention of when they might let me out. And to think, I was so close to getting out of here…
"If you ever want to get out of this hospital, you have to keep a low profile."
And so I bite my tongue and nod. "Fine."
"Go back to sleep Katniss," he says wearily, leaning back in his chair as if he is going to drift off into sleep too.
I say nothing more and for the rest of the night, we pretend to sleep.
Somewhere in the course of the night, I fall asleep and Haymitch disappears from my room. When I wake, my room is lit up and there is a new visitor sitting next to me. Prim smiles at me and I smile back at her.
"Hey little duck," I say, sitting up in bed. I move aside and pat the mattress, inviting her to join me. She does, hopping up next to me and we share a brief hug. She's gotten so tall since I last saw her. Her blonde hair, tied back in a neat braid, is a little longer. She's growing up so much and I've been missing it.
"How are you feeling Katniss?" she asks as she leans into me and I stroke her hair; it is almost like a memory of the past. When she would have a bad dream and I would sing her back to sleep, rocking her till she fell asleep. Except these days, though I hold her, she is the one comforting me.
"Never better," I lie, and it does not go unnoticed. She lifts her head and raises her eyebrows at me. "I'm fine Prim," I reiterate.
"Liar," she says, slinking back down next to me. I say nothing. Prim can see right through me, like Haymitch can. Like Peeta can for most of the time.
"Shouldn't you be in school?" I ask. For those under sixteen here in District 13, they attend school though it is really just a way to train them for this war. They teach them about the dark days, and the games, and they show them how to run and hide. How to defend themselves. Just in case.
"Day off," she answers. "Actually Haymitch sent me."
"What are you doing hanging around Haymitch little duck?" I ask with a grin. "You might catch drunk."
"You can't catch drunk," she says with a roll of her eyes and I make an exaggerated noise of realisation, elbowing her playfully in the ribs. Joking like this seems effortless before the reality of our lives eventually hits me in the back of the head, just like the wire Johanna used to knock me out in the Quell.
"Anyway, Haymitch told me to tell you that they're letting you out for today. President Coin wants to see you."
Ah, so the president's getting desperate. She's avoided me all this time but last night's broadcast probably made her realise she can't afford to waste any more time letting me recover. She has to put me out there as the mockingjay as soon as she can.
"When?"
Prim checks the clock hanging on the wall. "In about fifteen minutes. I brought you some clothes." I follow her gaze to a pair of comfy blue trousers and a simple long sleeve cotton tee. She bought the least gaudy thing that they've put in my wardrobe. Bless her.
"Good luck," she says, kissing the top of my forehead before climbing off the bed and leaving me. After I have changed, and fixed the braid that has been in my hair for several days, I head down the hall to Finnick's room. He is sitting upright in bed, wide awake, utterly still. He smiles when he sees me.
"You busy Finnick?"
"Do I look busy?" he asks, gesturing to himself and the very apparent lack of action happening.
"Good," I say. "Ditch the robe and find some clothes. We've got places to go and people to see."
A guard arrives at my room to take me to Coin. He doesn't say a thing about Finnick joining us, probably knowing that I would refuse to go if he didn't accompany us. Finnick walks in a stilted, unorthodox way, something I did not notice last night. It is probably from the electric shock that we all received in the arena when the force field blew up.
He takes us to a room a couple of levels down and we enter. Coin is sitting at the head of a round table, and her eyes take us in as we enter. Plutarch and his assistant Fulvia and Haymitch are all there too along with a few others I don't recognise.
"We have matters to discuss Miss Everdeen," Coin says in a clipped, brusque tone. It is like all politicians talk and I hate it.
I stare at her for a moment. This is my chance. All the cards are in my hand right now and I have to use them before my bargaining chip before it disappears.
"I won't be your mockingjay."
"Excuse me?" Coin's tone adequately reflects her disbelief.
"I won't do a damn thing until you let me go save Peeta and Gale." I catch Finnick's eye. "And Annie," I throw in for his benefit. A few other names float to the surface. "And all of the other captured victors." So many other things I want clutter my head but I can ask for them later. The most important thing right now is guaranteeing Peeta and Gale's safety.
"You're hardly in a position to make demands – "
"Actually I think she is," Haymitch buts in and I feel a rush of gratitude towards him, despite myself. "We've been telling you for three weeks to send a rescue crew into The Capitol. If you want the mockingjay, the symbol of this rebellion, then I suggest you get right on that."
With that, he grabs both Finnick and me and herds us out of the room. When we are on the other side of the door, Haymitch releases a gruff sigh. "I'll be lucky if she ever lets me sneak in alcohol again," he mutters before taking off down the hallway.
Finnick and I stand on the other side of the doorway, staring at each other and listening hard for any sign that Coin will give into my demands. There is lots of hushed, furious muttering.
And then I hear Coin's unmistakable voice. "Told you we should have rescued the boy."