I know it's been a long long time it's been a very very busy time for me. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and great New Year.
In case you missed it there are new photos in the 200 Stories Gallery, there are now 80 pics and I'll hopefully have another ten up by Saturday. Also a few new plots have been added to my profile page in the last couple of weeks.
Ch. 2 Hug Me Tight I'll Hold You Close
(FITZ)
"Alright Clare we have the test results back," Dr. Gibbons says coming into her room late Tuesday afternoon. We've all been here all day and stayed the night although no one really slept. "You have indeed relapsed and the cancer has metastasized," he tells us and I feel my world drop away. I know all about Clare being sick over the summer and hearing that she's sick again with something as scary as cancer is very frightening. Clare looks blank and petrified all at once, I squeeze her hand but she barely moves.
"What's that mean?" Tris asks.
"That's just a big word that means it spread to other parts of her body. Now Clare because of the spread and the severity I recommend you begin treatment immediately," he says and Clare puts her hand on her belly.
"Treatment would harm the baby wouldn't it?"
"Chemo and radiation would yes but there are alternative methods and therapies you can do until the baby is close enough to term to be safely delivered. What you need to do is talk about it with your family and your oncologist. I recommend that you go home and think about it, talk about what's best for you. Do you have any questions?" He asks but Clare just shakes her head, I'm too shocked to think of any questions right now. "I'll check back shortly, right now I'm going to call your oncologist," the doctor says before leaving the room.
Clare isn't moving, I do know she's breathing but she's so terrified I think her mind is trying to catch up with everything she's just learned. I brush a curl behind her ear and kiss her temple, she seems to snap out of it a little bit, at least enough to look at me.
"We'll find alternative therapies until the baby is born, we're not risking the baby," Eli says and I glare at him.
"And what about Clare? If she's at risk then so is the baby. If she doesn't get treatment she'll get worse and die," I growl at him.
"We're not doing chemo and risk losing the baby," Eli hisses back.
"If you don't then you could lose Clare and lose the baby anyway and you're not the one that's sick," I bark at him raising my voice more than I mean to.
"HEY," Owen snaps at both of us and we look at him, "it's not a decision for either of you and this is not helping Clare."
"Clare what do you want to do?" Tris asks her.
"I don't know," she shakes her head bursting into tears and curling into me some more. I hold her tight and rub her back.
"We should get you home, talk with your parents and Eli and decide what's best for you but you don't have to decide tonight. I'm going to go find the doctor and ask about getting you home, if you don't need to go by ambulance then Fitz can drive you home," Owen says before leaving the room.
We're silent for several minutes, Clare continues crying on my chest. I wish I could comfort her somehow but I know how devastating relapse of cancer is on its own, made all the more devastating by the fact that she almost has to choose between herself and the baby.
"The doctor said you don't need to be taken by ambulance so I think we should get you packed up and you can ride home with Fitz. Eli maybe you should start heading back now and go to Clare's house so you can explain what's happening to her parents before she arrives," Owen suggests.
"Yeah," Eli nods, "yeah I can do that. I'll see you back in Toronto."
"Clare you go change in the washroom and we'll get the rest of your stuff packed up," Owen says after Eli leaves the room. She nods and grabs the bag with her clothes before going into the washroom. "She's going to need our support, I didn't really see her the first time she was sick but now she's pregnant and it makes it that much worse, and I don't think Eli's going to be all that helpful."
"Because he's only worried about the baby," I growl.
"Yeah and fighting with him is just going to stress her out more so keep it to yourself," Owen censures me.
"I'll watch it for Clare's sake," I nod. I know he's right but Eli's attitude is bugging me.
"Good now Eli will probably talk to Adam but Tris call him on the way back anyway, tell him what's going on and tell him I'll be over to tell Drew and Dallas later. With their asshole-ien behavior recently I don't know how they'll react and I'm not letting them make things more difficult on Clare," Owen tells us.
I'm glad he's taking charge because all I can think of right now is comforting Clare. She comes out of the washroom and she looks so frightened and beaten down it's heart breaking. I become filled with determination not to let her be defeated by this, I know she's devastated and afraid, faced with a nearly impossible choice but with faith all hope is not lost and I'll make sure she gets through this.
"Come on Beautiful let's take the scenic road home and find somewhere nice to stop for dinner," I say holding my hand out to her. She doesn't say anything or hardly look up but she does take my hand.
"We'll get the rest of your stuff and take it to your house," Tris tells her and she nods slightly.
We start to leave but then she lets go of my hand turning back to Owen and Tris, she hugs Tris tightly and then Owen.
"Thank you both for coming and staying with me," she tells them. Her voice waivers slightly but she says it in a strong voice and even with a bit of a smile, and they smile back at her.
"You needed people with you and we were happy to do it," Owen replies.
She comes back to me and takes my hand, I wave to Owen and Tris as we leave. Before we exit the hospital she signs her discharge papers. We walk out to her car because I drove up with Owen, I open the door for her before she gets in the car she hugs me tightly and I hold her close.
"Mark I'm scared," she whispers in a terrified tone trembling with turmoil.
"I know, I am too but we're here with you and we'll fight this together. You're not alone Clare we'll support you and be with you and anything else you need from us," I assure her.
"I'm really glad you were at Owen's party and we reconnected," she says slowly letting go of me.
"Me too."
(OWEN)
Tris and I arrive at the Torres house and go to the basement door. Adam isn't here but we already knew he wouldn't be, Tris called him on the way back. He told Adam everything and Adam went over to Clare's house to wait for her return with Eli and her parents. I knew she and Fitz were taking their time coming back but at least when she got home she'd have lots of people around her. I wanted to tell Drew and Dallas myself because honestly I wasn't sure how they'd react. They could just not care or shrug it off or worse, or they could stop acting like jerks and at the very least just stay away from her so she doesn't have to put up with their behavior while going through treatment.
"Hey Owen," Dallas nods when I come in while Drew barely looks over. Tris is with me but they haven't even looked at him, actually Drew is looking back at his video game. So I go over and turn off the video game and now he looks at me.
"Hey I was playing that!"
"Shut up, I need to tell you both something and you're going to shut up and listen."
"Does this have anything to do with why Adam ran out of here earlier?" Dallas asks.
"Yeah because Clare relapsed, she's sick with cancer again and it metastasized. She's not only faced with being sick again but she's pregnant and she can't go through chemo pregnant, so she can start treatment now and kill her baby or she can wait until the baby is close enough to term to deliver safely and risk dying herself."
"Well fuck," Dallas exhales.
"Yeah and you two, especially you," I say to Drew, "need to back the hell off and at least be civil when you see her. If you're going to keep acting like a complete ass don't do it around her it's the last thing she needs right now. And I promise you that if you do anything to make this harder on her between me, Fitz and Eli we'll make your life hell. Come on Tris let's go to Clare's house and see how she's doing."
Tris and I walk out without really waiting for a reaction. I figure it's better to let them stew in it all and let it settle in. I said what I needed to, I meant the threat and they know that. Tris and I get back in my car and we drive to Clare's house. I park in front of Eli's car and Tris rings the bell, I hear voices inside but they seem to be arguing which isn't good. Adam opens the door to let us in and I can tell by the look on his face it's not good.
"Clare's barely said anything, her mom, Eli and Fitz won't stop arguing and it's not helping her at all," Adam tells us as we lock the front door behind us.
"Great like this isn't hard enough on her," I comment as we walk into the living room. "HEY," I yell loudly to shut everyone up.
"Who are you?" Clare's mom asks.
"Mom this Owen, Tristan's brother," Clare says while Tris steps out from behind me.
"Hi Mrs. Martin," Tris waves.
"Now that we're all acquainted why the hell is everyone arguing?" I demand.
"Arguing over what's best for Clare," Fitz says.
"And the baby," Eli speaks up.
"Clare have you talked to your doctor yet?" I ask her and she shakes her head. "The doctor at the hospital in Oshawa said that he was going to call her doctor. You should probably call and make an appointment to figure out what the options are so you can talk about them. Clare you look tired you should go lie down, Fitz and Adam go with her. Eli go home and tell your parents what's going on. Call us if you need anything," I tell Clare before hugging her tightly.
"Thanks Owen," she smiles hugging me back. Tris hugs her and then we get back in my car.
"Can I sleep at your place tonight, I know Mom and Dad will be suspicious and we'll need to tell them tomorrow but I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about Clare tonight," Tris says as I begin driving.
"Yeah me either and of course you can stay over. We'll tell mom and Dad tomorrow where we've been for the last couple of days and why."
(CLARE)
I sit in the doctor's office between my mom and Mark, holding each of their hands, and Eli sits on the other side of my mom. I'm 26 weeks pregnant now, we know we're having a boy and have started discussing names. Mark and I have been dating for the last two and a half months and I've been trying to fight the cancer with alternative therapies and medicines. I saw my oncologist for a blood test and a checkup a couple days ago and after getting the results back he asked me to come in.
"Thank you for coming in Clare, I'm glad you brought your support system with you. Unfortunately the latest tests show that the cancer is progressing. I'm afraid it simply was not caught in time to treat with less aggressive methods, we've done all we can but you've entered stage three. And I'm afraid the cancer is progressing so fast that if we don't act now you will lose this battle. I'm recommending that you check into the hospital on Monday for aggressive treatment including surgery and chemotherapy."
"If she goes through chemotherapy it will kill the baby won't it?" Eli asks.
"It is very likely that the baby will die or be still born and if the baby lives will likely have birth defects because of the chemo. I know this is hard, and we never recommend treatment for pregnant women unless it's life or death and in your case it is. If we don't act now you will lose this battle and not only will the baby die but so will you. If we don't treat it now you're going to get to a place where it will be too late to treat, and you have to know the cancer is spreading toward the uterus and the baby."
The doctor stops talking and the room is silent. Silent and tense. I feel like my world has dropped away, as if suddenly everything in the world is gone and I'm alone in oblivion faced with this horrifying reality. I know my mom and Mark are here and holding my hands, I know Eli is here with them but I still feel so terrible alone.
"We'll be here first thing Monday," Mom says and I barely nod.
"Good we'll see you Monday at 9AM then. Any questions?" The doctor asks and we all shake our heads. I'm sure we all have questions but no one can think of them just now. "I'll give you a few minutes, take your time to leave and contact me if you have any questions," the doctor says before quietly leaving the room.
No one else moves until I release my mom's hand and stand up. I keep hold of Mark's hand and he stands with me, his arm going around me as soon as we're through the door. Eli storms past us quickly knocking into Mark as he passes. Mark tenses up and begins to open his mouth to say something but I put my hand on his arm.
"Don't Mark, leave him be he's just hurting," I whisper to Mark.
"I'll see you kids at the house, do you need anything Clare?" Mom asks and I shake my head.
"We're all upset and angry but it doesn't mean he can be a jerk," Mark says when my mom walks down the hall and out of earshot.
I can't answer I just begin to shake, turning into Mark's chest and gripping his shirt I explode into tears. Mark puts his arms around me holding me close and tight, rubbing my back as I sob on his chest.
"I'm supposed to graduate tomorrow and I don't even want to go," I confess to him when I can slow my sobbing enough to talk and breathe.
"You refused to go to prom and I stayed with you but you're going to graduation Clare. You had a terrible year and you worked hard, you're valedictorian you need to go. It's your last big hurrah before checking into the hospital for treatment," Mark insists.
"And probably losing my son," I say putting a hand on my belly and breaking into tears again.
Mark doesn't say anything he just holds me, there's nothing he can say. After some time my tears slow and I no longer want to be standing in the hospital hallway, so I let go of Mark's shirt, take his hand and we walk out to his car.
"You want to go home?" Mark asks as he begins driving and I shake my head.
"I can call Owen, we can get Adam and Tris to come over for movies," Mark suggests and I nod. He gets out his phone and calls Owen, when he begins driving in the direction of Owen's I know Owen said to come over.
"So not good news I take it?" Owen asks when he lets us in his apartment.
"I check into the hospital for aggressive treatment on Monday," I tell Owen and he hugs me tightly.
"Maya, Adam and Tris were all at my parent's house so I hope you don't mind if she comes too, she wanted to," Owen says as I sit on the sofa.
"Not at all I like Maya."
Owen orders pizza and Adam, Tris and Maya show up after a few minutes. After telling them what the doctor said we spend the evening eating pizza and watching movies. After three movies Adam has to get Maya home but Tris decides to sleep at Owen's house, they'll both be coming to the graduation ceremony tomorrow.
"I want to sleep at your place tonight," I tell Mark when we get in his car.
Mark just smiles, taking my hand, interlacing our fingers and kissing the back of my hand. I call my mom to let her know but it's not as if she can tell me no or that I'd listen if she did. Mark takes us to his apartment, I've never slept here before but I want to be with Mark right now. He gives me a shirt to sleep in and a new toothbrush he bought a couple days ago for himself. After we get ready for bed he holds me in his bed and his arms until I fall asleep.
"Wake up Gorgeous you're graduating today," Mark says kissing my temple the next morning.
"I still don't feel like going," I reply nuzzling into his chest.
"I know but if you don't go you'll look back and regret not going for your graduation and experiencing it. You earned this Clare, you need to be there. Come on you can shower here while I change and then I'll take you to your house to change," Mark tells me.
I groan and reluctantly get out of bed and his arms going into his washroom to shower. Mark is dressed nicely in black jeans and a dark green dress shirt. Once he's ready he drives me to my house to change. I still don't want really want to go and I don't dress up very much, I wear a summer dress just a simple summer dress. Jake came out for my graduation and he goes with Mom and Glen to the school while I ride with Mark of course.
"I'll see you after the ceremony," Mark says kissing my forehead before I go backstage to get my cap and gown.
"Hey Clare I heard the news, I'm really sorry," Dallas says giving me a light hug.
Drew looks at me like he wants to say something and then looks away.
After finding out that I relapsed Dallas began being rather apologetic and trying to be helpful. Drew meanwhile just wouldn't look at me, if we were in the hall together or the same class he would look down. Adam says Drew is ashamed for his past behavior and doesn't know what to say. I did quit student council after finding out, I knew I wouldn't have time or the energy with the regimen of alternative medicines and therapies they had me on.
I don't reply to Dallas but I do manage a small smile. Alli and Jenna come over to hug me and then Adam does the same before I get my cap and gown. I put it on and we begin to line up to go out on stage. When the music begins playing we go out on stage and sit down. Principal Simpson comes on stage and welcomes everyone before giving a speech and then calling Alli up to the podium.
"Thank you Principal Simpson, I really shouldn't be up here my best friend Clare has the honor of being valedictorian but she didn't want to accept and give a speech. She's been through a long hard journey the last couple of years and recently found out her struggles aren't over but Clare is the strongest person I know," Alli says and looks back at me with a smile. I smile at her and she continues on with her speech about the things she's learned and future possibilities.
When Alli sits down again Simpson begins handing out the diplomas and calling us up by name. When we all have our diplomas we throw our hats into the air and a zillion camera flashes flash. Then we file off stage to see our families and get congratulated by them. I go straight to Mark and he hugs me briefly before letting me go so Mom, Dad, Glen and Jake hug me and congratulate me. Owen and Tris come over to congratulate me as well before they go to congratulate Adam.
"Are you kids going to the BBQ or should we go to lunch?" Mom asks after they're satisfied with the amount of pictures taken and congratulations given.
"Actually I think I'd just like to go back to Mark's," I reply.
"Oh…uh okay, call us later Sweetie," Mom says hugging me again.
"I will," I nod.
Mark puts his arm around me, we walk out to his car again and he drives us back to his place. I go in and sit on his sofa, after he locks the door he sits with me and his arms come around me.
"I really am proud of you," Mark tells me kissing me gently.
I put my head on his shoulder and take his hand, "I don't want to go through this again, I don't want to lose my son."
(FITZ)
"Hey Beautiful how you feeling?" I ask Clare as I come into her hospital room.
She's been in treatment for three weeks now and I've been here at the hospital every day and nearly every night, basically every time I wasn't working. Clare has been somber the whole time, when she's not nauseas and ill from the treatment she's been worried about the baby. They've done what they can to keep the baby alive and healthy but the treatment is brutal on Clare's body and the baby's and we all know it's a matter of time. Eli has been by a few times, mostly to check on the baby but he stays to be with Clare for a bit, of course he usually leaves when I show up. Clare's parents, Adam, Maya, Alli and Jenna have come by every day if only to say hi but they usually stay for a while.
"Fine," Clare replies in a melancholy tone.
"You don't have anything to do for a couple of hours you want to come with me to the hospital church?" I offer and she shakes her head.
"Something is wrong I can feel it," she tells me with tears in her eyes.
"What do you mean something is wrong?"
"With the baby," she says rubbing her hand over her belly.
"Have you talked to the doctor about it yet?" I ask her and she shakes her head. I reach above her bed to press the call button and get a nurse in here. "She thinks something is wrong with the baby," I tell the nurse when she comes in.
"Okay let's get you to the hospital obstetrics ward," the nurse says going to the phone in Clare's room.
After a few words into the phone an orderly comes in with a wheelchair. I walk with Clare and the orderly to the elevator and go with them. The nurse must have called ahead because obstetrics is waiting for us and Clare is taken right into a room. She's put on a bed and they immediately begin an ultrasound. While still doing the ultrasound they put some other monitor on her, and then another and now I'm worried.
"I'm sorry Clare but the baby is dead. The best thing for us to do now is induce labor and deliver. I'm going to consult with your oncologist. Inducing labor means using some pretty heavy drugs and we don't want them to interfere with anything your oncologist is giving you. I'll be back in a few moments," the doctor says before leaving the room.
As soon as the doctor's gone Clare shatters into tears, gripping to me tightly as she sobs heavily. When she hears the doctor returning she sucks in the tears with a deep breath and brushes the remaining tears from her face.
"Alright Clare after speaking with your oncologist we're going to go ahead with labor induction," the doctor tells her.
"I want to have a C-section, I cannot give birth to my dead son. Please put me under and…" she says and her voice trembles unable to finish her sentence.
"If that's your wish I'll arrange for a surgical bay and team and talk with your oncologist," the doctor replies before leaving the room again.
Once more Clare breaks into tears, the doctor is gone for at least an hour and Clare cries the entire time. By the time the doctor comes in to put Clare under for the operation she's exhausted from all the crying. I have to move away from the bed so they can do what they need to. Clare is soon asleep and they wheel her out and I take a deep breath. I've been strong for her but it's so hard to watch her go through all this, getting sick from the treatments, losing faith that she'll pull through this and now losing her baby it's all but broke her. I only hope that she will get over the loss of her son enough to find the strength to heal, and I must have faith that she'll want to get better. After a few minutes I realize I'd better call people so they know what's going on, starting with Eli.
"Is it the baby?" Eli asks upon answering.
"I'm sorry Eli he's gone," I tell him and Eli hangs up.
I call Clare's mom next to tell her what's going on and she says they'll be at the hospital shortly. Then I call Owen and Adam, Owen will tell Tris and Adam will call Maya and Alli. By the time Clare's out of the surgery and being taken back to recovery everyone is at the hospital. Clare stays unconscious for the hour that they keep her in labor and delivery but begins to wake up when she's taken back to her room in the oncology ward. The only one missing from the room is Eli but I'm sure he's grieving in his own way, besides he was always more concerned with the baby than Clare and I'm kind of glad he's not here.
When Clare begins to wake up everyone gathers around her to offer their condolences and words of encouragement but Clare just stares at them blankly. Then she closes her eyes and begins to sob, I hold her close and her mom sits on the other side of her stroking her hair. Adam and Alli sit on the foot of her bed and stroke her legs. Clare cries for a while before falling asleep again, when she's asleep people begin to leave slowly. I stay, so does Adam and of course Clare's parents. She sleeps most of the day and eventually even her parents and Adam leave but I stay with her.
For the next several days Clare barely gets out of bed, she barely eats and she spends most of the time sleeping or just staring into nothing and looking melancholy. She's depressed, I know she's depressed but I don't know how to help her. She's lost so much and I see her giving up, I have to find a way to give her hope again. Reluctantly leaving the hospital when Clare goes to sleep one night I drive to Owen's and call Adam on the way asking him to meet me there.
"She's getting worse, she's getting worse because she never got to say goodbye to her son or really get to know him. I don't know if she'll even be willing to do it but I think we need to have a memorial for her son, let her say goodbye. And right after that we'll have a ceremony of life for her, remind her of all that she has to live for. If we don't do something she's going to let the cancer win."
"Good idea Fitz, I like both of those and I think they'll both help Clare," Adam says.
"Agreed, we should start planning immediately," Owen replies.
For the next couple of hours we plan both ceremonies, we get every detail even calling everyone we think should be there to be sure they can make it tomorrow. We want to do it as soon as possible. When I leave Owen's I go back to the hospital, before returning to Clare's room I find her nurse and tell her the plan, she agrees it's a great idea and says she'll make sure we have space in the garden for the memorial and that the staff can set Clare's room up for the life ceremony while we're at the memorial. Then I go back to Clare's room and watch her sleep, eventually I fall asleep holding her hand with my head on her bed. I wake up when I feel her moving on the bed, I sit up and look at her, she looks at me, takes my hand and then closes her eyes again. I wait until they bring her breakfast and when she pushes away the tray I take the covers off her.
"Come on you need a shower," I insists picking her up.
"What for?" She inquires but puts her arms around my neck.
"Because everyone is coming for a memorial for your son," I inform her.
"He wasn't even alive what's the use in having a memorial?" She questions when I set her down in the washroom.
"Because you need to say goodbye to him and he lives on in you, and Eli," I respond turning on the water.
She still doesn't look convinced but she doesn't argue. I leave her to undress and shower, while she does that I call Owen and Adam to make sure everything is set and everyone is coming at eleven. They tell me it's all set and the only one not coming is Eli, which I figured already, no one has heard from him since he learned his son died.
When I hear the shower turn off I knock on the washroom door, and peek in. Clare is drying off, all I can see is her in the fogged up mirror. She asks me to get her some clothes so I go to the closet and pick out some clothes for her. I choose a blue dress, something loose that should be comfortable and she can wear with her IV. I grab a bra for her and fresh panties and bring those to her. She takes a while to get dressed and brush her hair, by the time she comes out it's time to take her down to the garden. It's easy to see where the hospital staff set us up everyone is gathered there. I asked Father Greg to come and say a few words, I didn't know what to say and I didn't think anyone else would either. After all it's not as though this is a funeral for someone who lived, even an infant that dies a few minutes after birth is someone you get to know in that few minutes.
"We gather here to celebrate Baby Edwards-Goldsworthy, a soul called back to heaven before he ever got to know this earth. Though he never got a chance to live he will be loved and remembered by all those here," Father Greg says and Clare turns into me. As Father Greg begins to say a prayer Clare begins to sob.
Helen thanks Father Greg when he's done and we stay out there a few minutes. I hold Clare as she sobs, everyone else remains silent, a few have tears running down their face. After a few minutes I pull Clare away from me a bit and tip her chin up. I don't want her to get lost in the depths of sorrow any more, I want her to hear what we have to say for the celebration of her life and for her to know what she has to live for.
"One more thing to do still, come on," I insist to her.
I keep an arm around her and take her IV pole. The staff did a great job setting up Clare's room with all the pictures her mom and Adam brought, they had them blown up and they've been hung around the room. Tris had Grace help him with putting some of the things Clare wrote onto a flash drive so that they could be projected around the room. Last but not least there's a sonogram of her son, it's propped on her nightstand, subtle but it's there, one of the only physical reminders of the life of her son.
"What's all this?" Clare asks looking around her room.
"It's a celebration of you. You need to live Clare, to fight this cancer, to carry on and you need reminders of why. We know you're sad, none of us can even imagine the loss you've suffered but you can't give up. Everyone in this room cares about you and loves you and you can't leave us. You need to fight Clare, you have so many reasons to live and so few to give up so please fight, for yourself, for everyone here and for your son. He lives on through you and he can't do that if you don't live so please fight Clare," I plead with her.
Everyone else in the room tells her to fight, tells her to live or that they need. Clare sits on the bed and looks at her hands.
"I'll fight," she says quietly with a small nod but it's all I need to hear. She's going to fight now, she's going to fight and she's going to live.
"Good," I smile sitting next to her and tipping her chin up so I can kiss her lips softly, "I love you Clare."
That does it for this two-shot hope you enjoyed it. You Believed in Me Let Me be Right for You will be the next story updated.