Nobody's Memories
Chapter 10 - Reconsideration

"What do I want?"

It was an Interesting question. An important one too. Most of all... one I might not have an answer to. Because frankly put, I've been operating almost entirely off of instinct before now. Sure, I didn't want to be bored, but that was it. My one motivation, and not an important one or even one could really affect me, because frankly put the Boredom had no real consequences to simply ignoring it. I could've sat on the middle of that rock in the lane's until I simply faded away, as Nobody's were referenced to, or until I had simply been come across by someone.

So, I had another question to ask myself. Why had I moved? What had provided me motivation to care about my boredom? I could've just bounced rocks against each other for an eternity to keep me entertained, not try to go worldhopping.

Do I even know the answer to that?

I... don't think I do. But... maybe... just maybe... the same reason that I've been acting as though I can feel. As though I matter to the world, despite being a Nobody. It... makes the emptiness inside hurt less. That coldness where my heart should be, where nothing beats. Unzipping the long cloak, placing my hand over my chest, I can't help but think... no matter how false a thought it is... that perhaps the coldness isn't just metaphorical, that even my skin feels cold to the touch.

Or perhaps I simply have no real sensation of touch, regardless of my Robe's silken touch.

It serves as another reminder of that coldness I've been ignoring, that I've been acting as I might've in life to ignore. Certainly, it helped, and even more so once I stopped acknowledging how fake everything was once every other 5 minutes. But now I was acknowledging it, and it served as a reminder of exactly how little I mattered. I could certainly tell that it was so, no matter what. When Nobody's had talked about not existing, about how they didn't really matter, how horrible the emptiness was - I hadn't understood it, not even when I had awoken. I had considered the emptiness before, but not in depth, tried to ignore it from the start. I had even thought about it when the Darkness had failed to whisper to me in the lanes between, when I could scarcely notice the light.

I could understand now. I could see it clear as day, even through the lenses of a half-dozen different odd ways of seeing the world.

But... no, it wasn't any of that which had made me move, was it? There was something more to it, even if that statement didn't make any sense when applied to a Nobody.

I remembered. Most Nobody's did, in some form or the other, but Higher Nobody's, the one's who retained their bodies completely? We remembered everything, or so I had concluded. It's what had led me, almost immediately after waking up, to try and act like I might've if I could feel. The Memories of who I used to be. A scathingly sarcastic teenaged boy, who enjoyed joking around to the point every other sentence he said was a joke in some form or the other, a fan of fantasy and sci-fi, who had the tendency to procrastinate against literally anything that didn't motivate or interest him until the literal last minute. That was on top of being motivated to do weird or random crap simply because of boredom. Combined with a bundle of no longer relevant issues that I could no longer be affected by, and that I didn't particularly care to waste time going into.

That was the type of person I was trying to act like, and almost certainly some kind of caricature of right now. That person is the reason I had moved.

I remembered being him. I remembered the types of things he would do in this situation.

Was that it? The fact that I remembered having not just emotions but of all the little things, but memories of caring about them in the first place? That I was trying to copy those as well? Perhaps...

But no, that wasn't quite it, was it? I ... couldn't place my fingers on it. What exactly was it that had made me move? There was... something more, I could tell. Something that I could recall the Nobody's of Organization XIII Caring for, or perhaps it was the fact that I had wondered about this exact thing while playing through the second game.

Morality.

In a general sense, I never saw any of the Organizations members who didn't have hearts in some way or the other, maybe?, act as though they had them. Some of them, the one's who didn't care about their emotions or who had been terrible people as humans? Believable. But Axel? The others, who we admittedly knew nothing of in life? They didn't even try to think of them. This was understandable, yet confusing to me now, yet simply confusing when I had played the game. I knew some of those characters were probably 'good' people, yet they didn't act like it. They, like me, couldn't care for their morals, or if they broke them. In the very least they had never acted upon them, and admittedly I hadn't done so either beyond targeting bandits instead of anyone I came across.

Yet it was their failure to even think of their morals, in combination with their wish to end the emptiness inside of them by gaining hearts from Kingdom Hearts (no matter how much of a lie that was on Xemnas's part.), that used to confuse me. They wanted their humanity - but wouldn't gaining their humanity horrify them because of their actions? If I were to suddenly be able to truly take my morals into account, would I be utterly terrified of the fact I now had a triple digit kill count?

...how contradictory of me. Hmph, though perhaps that was one of the reasons why the Organization Member's in Chain of Memories had been plotting against Xemnas? It certainly wouldnt be the only reason considering how most of them acted.

Though perhaps I am simply overthinking things, making issues needlessly complicated and nonsensical even if I'm totally wrong.

Their morals might not have been remembered, or acted on. I certainly hadn't been trying to do so. But a part of me remembered what I might've done if I had suddenly gained powers. Sitting around, doing nothing? That would be almost despicable to the me who used to be.

Yet aside from that, I hadn't done anything. And these realizations? They really hadn't helped me answer my question, though it had certainly made me reconsider my actions thus far and look closer at the why's of them. So I was going to ask myself the big question once more, and not let myself get away with not answering it.

"What. Do. I. Want?"

Up until now, I had been running off instinct. In life, I hadn't wanted to be bored and had done random crap, and had been acting in much the same way. I wasn't even sure why I was in this world. Their were pragmatic reasons I could tell myself, like power testing, or its relative safety, or my familiarity with the franchise. Yet I wasn't even sure those were why I was here, or valid reasons. I had plans, yes, but were they good plans? Worthwhile plans? Did I want to try to regain my heart, a absolutely near impossible thing for a Nobody?

"What. Do. I. Want?!"

I wanted to try to be me, or at least as close to myself as I could be. To ignore this cold pain. Gaining a heart wasn't pragmatic, or attainable for now. Besides, what I though I knew of it meant I would simply regain it by being in the presence of others. Try to hold myself to my morals, even if I didn't care about them? Mostly useless, and I would do so by simply continuing to try to be me. Certainly, I would be doing that. I would also be trying to care for my boredom. Yet that was still, in some way or the other, not directly answering my question.

"What. Do. I. Want?!"

I sigh as I stand up. Unnecessary, but even if I stopped trying to be emotional, I'm not going to let that stop me now.

"I... want to help people. I want... to make myself proud."

"..."

"No, that's not quite right either. I... I want to make myself proud. Honor the 'man' I once was." I continue to murmur, standing and stretching. That... was correct. I couldn't think of anything closer to the truth, of anything better to do."Yes, that sounds right. Now then, how long have I been sitting and thinking..." Placing my arms behind my head, leaning back and using my elbows as a headrest, I stand up, opening a door to just outside the caverns. Stepping outside, there is but a single observation to make.

"...Why is it the middle of the night?!"

And that thought is that I need a clock. Hmph. Wonder where all the cats are?

Well, I suppose it was time to put my plans for the future into action... providing I make a few edits to them...