Warning: the M rating comes into play here.

-x-

Katniss watched with alert, widened eyes as Peeta stormed around her bedroom, more out of control than she had ever seen him. He had started pacing the moment they disappeared upstairs, muttering under his breath and tearing at his hair.

"Peeta, just…sit down. Okay? Please, just sit down," she practically begged, her hands held out in supplication. "You're not making this better at all."

He stopped in his tracks, ever obedient to her, but looked just as agitated as he had upon entrance to her room. "I'm sorry," he muttered, looking absolutely lost. Katniss offered him her hand wordlessly.

Peeta wrapped his fingers around hers gratefully. "How is this even going to work?" he asked in a resigned voice, moving to drop down beside her. Katniss shivered when her bare knee made contact with the fine cloth of his trousers, and tried not to analyze what this meant. "I mean, where are we going to live?" he shrugged helplessly. With a handful of months left in the school year and their apprenticeships secured, neither one of them had been forced to confront what many of their peers were already setting into motion, such as new living arrangements and jobs.

She was pretty sure she knew the answer to his question, though. Katniss had noticed her grandmother bossily directing her grandfather to clear out some of the storage items from the dusty, abandoned space above the apothecary a few weeks ago, but had simply chalked it up to one of the many facets of Drea Stone's unpleasant personality. It made sense now, though. Many things were becoming clearer in light of recent events.

Katniss had actually gotten into a heated argument with her grandmother when the woman had quite nastily demanded that Prim clean the apartment from top to bottom, you indolent little lay-about! She wouldn't even allow Katniss to help her little sister, insisting that her aid was needed in concocting a complicated burn salve for the little Tattering boy down the street and did she really want to be the person who caused unnecessary misery to a six year old boy that was caught in an unfortunate house fire?

"There's the apartment above the apothecary," she sighed, absently chewing on the end of her braid, shooting him a side-eyed look.

Peeta nodded slowly, his lips turned down at the corners. She hated to see him frown.

He reached over and gently pulled her braid out of her mouth, a familiar gesture that made them both smile. Katniss leaned into him heavily before giving into the desire to lay her head on his shoulder.

"Do we work separately?" he asked carefully. It was pretty much unheard of for a married couple in District 12 to maintain two separate careers. It was considered incredibly lucky to even have one business in the merchant sector of town. Otherwise you were expected to head for the cramped, dangerous mines- or for the truly unfortunate, lay on your back to earn a few coins to feed your family.

She shuddered. I at least owe my grandparents that much, she thought. Who knows where she and Prim would be right now if not for their guardianship. Katniss had caught Peacekeeper Cray giving her the lecherous eye quite a few times over the years, and she dreaded to think how many young, desperate girls had given in to the pressures of survival and had gone knocking on his door under the cloak of night.

Peeta mistakenly identified her shiver as being chilled, and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She soaked in his friendly warmth anyway. They sat in silence for a moment, both trying to absorb the situation. "You're clearly inheriting the apothecary," Peeta pointed out in a ruthful voice.

They both knew that despite Prim having an innate passion for healing, she was hopeless in the medicine-making process. Katniss had proven herself to be strangely adept at the methodical, exact science of the work. If she had been considered good at her trade a year ago, she was practically a master of her craft ever since being forced to forego her Sunday excursions with Gale.

Gale.

She felt a sharp, darting pain in the vicinity of her heart as she thought about the other boy –man- in her life. If Peeta was her future, a safe anchor that absolutely knew who she was right now, Gale was the one person left in her life, other than Prim, that completely understood her past– when she was a dirty, ragged Seam girl who desperately needed to take care of her family. He was someone who was a direct link to her bygone heritage and an entire part of her life that was literally dead and gone.

It was a particularly hot day in October— something once called an "Indian Summer" for reasons unfathomable to Katniss, but it was a little fact shared from her father, and she clung to any of the random pieces of knowledge passed down from him. It was all she had left of her daddy now; old useless history about a long gone country, the voice of a song bird and how to shoot straight and true.

"Bread Boy was staring at you again," Gale grumbled, dragging her by the hand towards the Seam. He was always in a hurry when they walked through town, but when they came in the vicinity of Mellark's Bakery, he seemed to move that much faster. He shot a particularly fierce parting look back towards where Peeta Mellark had watched them through the storefront window.

"I think he was staring at the blood on my hands," Katniss wrinkled her nose at their bloody, interlocked fingers. She was pretty certain the unhappy look the blond boy had given her was due to disgust, a thought that caused a hot rush of shame run through her. "What's your problem with him, anyway?" she asked, trying to keep up with the older boy's pace.

"The same problem I've got with every townie," Gale retorted, his stormy eyes flashing. "They have everything and we have nothin'." Twelve year old Katniss chewed on this logic and found she could not come up with a good argument against his words. Especially considering that she was currently splashed in animal blood from a particularly good haul from the day's hunt with Gale, thick layers of dirt lining her fingernails and a hunger in her belly that would not be satisfied until she and Gale could clean the game that was stored away in the satchels that they were carrying away from prying eyes.

"Mr. Mellark isn't so bad. He trades with us for squirrels," she finally said as they approached the edge of the Seam. She had tried really hard to shoot one of the fluffy tailed creatures earlier that day, but none had appeared. "He's real fair, too—drat it, Gale, slow down!"

Gale was quiet for a moment, but obligingly stopped his frantic pace. "That's true," he said slowly, almost a drawl. "Squirrel is a treat for the baker. I reckon he doesn't mind throwing a roll or two our way for food that we could be whipped for poaching," he pointed out in a tone far too dry for his age.

Katniss shrugged and pulled her hand away. She didn't want to talk about the Mellark's anymore. Especially Peeta. He had saved her life once last year, and even though she was close allies and hunting partners with Gale now, it didn't feel right talking about Peeta or his daddy that way.

Gale stopped and whirled around suddenly, causing Katniss to scowl as she almost ran into him.

"Just remember this, Catnip. While Bread Boy Mellark is eating sugar donuts and our fried squirrel for supper tonight, we'll be eating whatever scraps left from the game that doesn't get sold at the Hob," he stressed. "That's the difference between us and them, and no one is ever gonna let us forget that. We might as well start keeping score now."

"Oh, come on then," Katniss sighed, tugging on her braid. "I want to give Prim and the boys the berries we picked earlier." Gale eyed her for a moment, but mercifully let the subject drop in favor of the rare joy in giving a seasonal treat to their younger siblings.

But every time Katniss shot a squirrel that year, Gale would groan into his hands.

Peeta was still discussing the logistics of their marriage when Katniss blinked back into reality.

"And the bakery…" Peeta trailed off, not needing to explain any further. His brothers were never interested in the bakery outside of their obligatory duties to the family business. His oldest brother, Duff, had married the blacksmith's daughter and was apprenticed there for the next few years, becoming prepared to take over completely after old man Laribee finally retired. Mill was two years older than Peeta, but still lived at home and worked at the bakery. However, the entire district knew it was only a matter of time before he settled down with Leisel Strombe, who had already taken over the florist shop from her aging parents.

It angered her, but Katniss felt certain that if his elder brothers had shown even an ounce of the initiative and talent that Peeta instinctively possessed, his mother would have been more than happy to let them handle the bakery instead. Never mind that Peeta had been almost singlehandedly running the bakery since he was fifteen, after his father had developed a weak nerve in his hand. This meant decorating the cakes and cookies, filling most of the special event orders and handling the 100-pound sacks of flour shipped in directly from the Capitol, all the while serving each customer with a sparkling, genuine smile.

"I would leave the bakery for you," he looked at her then, really looked at her, for the first time since they had made their dramatic exit upstairs. "I'll help you with the apothecary. Whatever you need."

Good, kind Peeta—a baker, born and bred, was willing to leave everything for her. She truly did not deserve this boy.

"No," she said firmly. "You are not quitting the bakery. Besides, we've already filed our apprenticeship forms," she frowned. As an outlying district, Twelve wasn't particularly formal about many things. Most people there would consider a toasting an official wedding, even without a marriage certificate. Apprenticeships had never been much different. Job potential was such a scarcity in every district, so certain steps were usually taken to ensure that precious apprenticeships weren't wasted on those not serious about their trade, normally in the form of a verbal agreement in the presence of witnesses. Official contracts through the Capitol had never been required.

This year was different.

Those that were fortunate enough to escape unscathed from their final Reaping Day and were eligible for apprenticeships were now required to declare their chosen trade through the government. Peeta and Katniss had actually gone to the Justice Building together to file their forms a few weeks prior, so certain were they of their paths—though, Peeta had been far more content with his lot in life than she was at that point. In addition to the apprenticeship license, they also had to fill out something called an "aptitude test," designed to pre-screen your particular abilities the new stone faced clerk at the Justice Building had intoned. The whole process had been a little bewildering, but pretty much everyone knew that it was unwise to question the ways of the Capitol. They had received their approved apprentice licenses shortly after, and hadn't spared much thought towards the ordeal since then.

"Anyway, let them work out the details," she scoffed, shrugging with more carelessness then she actually felt. She needn't clarify of whom she was speaking. "They are the ones who wanted…this."

Peeta shot her a pained look at the reminder.

"And you don't," he said quietly, his voice oddly flat as he met her uneasy stare. His eyes were luminous and wet in the dim lighting of the room. "I know you don't want this," he said. He means that he doesn't want this, a troubled, insecure voice from within taunted her.

"You'd rather have Gale," he pushed, shooting her a completely humorless smile. Katniss shook her head and looked away in frustration.

There was no way to compare the two, Peeta and Gale. And there was no love lost between them, either. There was simply not a good way to explain to Peeta without hurting him that they were both equally important to her in a different way. It also pained her to think that her friendship with Gale would suffer because of this absolutely inevitable marriage. Katniss thought about what a disaster the night before had been, when she had tried to break the news to Gale. She had sought him out almost immediately after having been sat down by her grandparents to be prepped for the negotiation meeting with the Mellark's, needing to talk to somebody that existed outside of the situation.

"Is this a joke, Catnip?" Gale demanded, running a hand through his dark hair. "Please tell me that you're not actually going to go along with this."

"What else can I do, Gale?"

"Anything! Anything but that," he replied with quiet intensity, a hint of desperation creeping into his voice.

"Easy for you to say," she said quietly, sitting down heavily on a stump behind his house. She had waited for her chance to sneak away from her grandparents, listening for the snores and even breathing that signified that they were finally asleep. "It's Prim," she said simply, her stomach churning at the leverage her grandparents would have over her until Prim turned of age in the far-off future.

Gale scoffed and kicked a pine cone across the yard. "They won't hurt Prim," Gale negated bluntly. Katniss felt a flash of hot anger at his persistent disregard for her concern with Prim's wellbeing, as if she was being overprotective and irrational. As if she had ulterior motives. He had all but accused her of such on multiple occasions after she continued her steadfast refusal to meet him on Sundays anymore. "It's Bread Boy, your cozy little neighbor. You're doing this for him."

"Stop making everything about Peeta," her voice came out unevenly, sensing a fight and becoming upset with herself for thinking that it was okay to come to Gale for unbiased comfort. "You always do this."

"It's always about him!" Gale exclaimed. "You're with him or that uppity daughter of the Mayor every goddamn day. I have to settle for late night visits made into the oh-so-shameful Seam, the rare stolen afternoon so you can help me with snares…" She knew it hurt his pride to admit that he still needed her help, but all she felt was frustration and anger at the direction their conversation had gone.

"Stop being petty," Katniss bit out. Hurt registered on Gale's face before disappearing into a scowl. "If it wasn't for "that uppity daughter of the Mayor" covering for us, I'd probably never get a chance to sneak off with you again. And Peeta…he didn't ask for any of this either, you know. It's not his fault my grandparents hate you and want to keep us apart."

"Capitol forbid I ever speak a harsh word against Saint Mellark," Gale mocked, his face pulled into a tight grimace.

Katniss threw her hands in the air, completely fed up. "I came here for you!" she shouted. "I should be at Peeta's, warning him, but instead I came here, to you, because you're my best friend and I just needed-".

"Marry me."

Katniss froze.

"Stop," she whispered, shaking her head.

"Marry me, Katniss," Gale begged quietly, dropping to his knees in front of her. "We'd be good together. We'll take in Prim. To hell with your grandparents-"

Katniss trembled with suppressed emotion, standing up. "I should have never come here."

"That's right," Gale spit out, rising as well. "Too good for a lowly miner now. Run off to your merchie future, popping out perfect golden babies and spitting on the memory of what your parents tried so hard to keep you from-"

She slapped him.

"To hell with you, Gale Hawthorne," Katniss said coldly. She whirled around on her heels and ran, ignoring his desperate apology and pleas for her to come back.

"Gale isn't an option and you know it," she said, spitefully not bothering to correct Peeta's assumption. "And I know I don't want to marry some horrible person that I barely know," she added sharply, her hands shaking slightly as she smoothed her skirt as she stood, kicking her shoes off in the process. Be brave, Katniss.

She slipped her skirt down, and pulled her blouse off in almost one smooth move. Peeta stared at her practically naked form. "Do you? Because if we don't get on the same page then that's exactly what is going to happen to us both," she continued ruthlessly. She had to make him see.

Peeta's mouth dropped. "Jesus, Katniss," he hissed before averting his eyes. "We don't have to really do anything," he started babbling in a panicked tone. Katniss felt the sting of rejection quickly make way for a jump of triumph as his eyes unwillingly were drawn back to her form. If he's attracted to my body, at least that's something. It will make this easier. "Marrying is one thing, but to…but I'm, I'd never ask you-" he tripped over his words clumsily.

"But we do," she answered flatly and without pity. "You know we do." Didn't he understand? He just stared at her with those innocent blue eyes, so sad and so trusting.

"Peeta…"she sighed, her whole body filled with shame and embarrassment. "I'm a virgin. I'm going to bleed when we…" She cursed herself inwardly. How the hell was she going to make love- have sex- with him, if she could barely name the act? "They're probably going to want to see it. Arranged matches such as this traditionally require proof of consummation," she intoned as if reading from one of the outdated contract forms she had found in her grandparents office a few days ago, another moment in a long string of incidents lately that suddenly made sense.

"I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they hung the bloody sheet in the window for the whole town to gawk at, like they did in olden times," she chuckled bitterly.

He blanched at that. "That's a real thing? I've never heard of that," Peeta grimaced.

"Yes well, that's the sort of thing they teach us girls in our Gender Action class," she pointed out in irritation. "We learn how to please our men and crochet pillowcases and how to be seen and not heard. You learn how to balance ledgers, manage stress relief through exercise and how to control your wife," she finished, remembering back when Gale was in school, and a Sunday when he had laughed with her over a particularly ridiculous lesson in wife obedience that a visiting Capitol officiate had given in class.

He flinched but did not deny her accusation. "I would never want to control you, Katniss. Never. I've only ever considered you to be my equal. My superior, really," he said honestly, gazing at her with that earnest, serious look that she had caught him giving her over the years, charged with an emotion that she could never quite work out before it flittered away from his gentle, amicable face.

"And I don't want to hurt you. Ever," he choked out, obviously coming to grips with what was in store for the night. Katniss regretted telling him about the bloody sheet.

"You won't," she whispered, sitting down beside him again, acutely aware that she was in her bra and panties now that the heat of their argument had waned. "You won't. I know you won't. Why do you think I chose to come upstairs with you?"

"You're my best friend," he moaned, dropping his head in his hands. "Oh, God. I don't want to lose you. I'm going to lose you if I do this with you," he agonized, rubbing his curls in an anxious, almost child-like motion. She felt a rush of warmth and protectiveness for him that overwhelmed her senses.

"We'll always be best friends," she responded fiercely, shocked that he would doubt it. "Only now we'll be best friends that sleep in the same bed and have b-babies," she stuttered over that one. She grabbed one of his large, warm hands and squeezed, telling herself that it was for his comfort and not her own.

Peeta's head jerked towards her direction. "Babies?" he questioned lowly, an undefinable emotion crossing his face again. "Katniss, you don't want children. You never have."

She scowled. "It doesn't matter what I want anymore, Peeta!" Katniss quickly lowered her voice, realizing she was shouting at him. "But I care what you think," she continued in a quieter tone, looking away. "Look. I know you don't want me. I know that you would have probably never picked me. There are so many others girls…better girls-"

"You think I don't want you?" Peeta interrupted her with a harsh laugh, pulling his hand away and sliding it down his face in a rough, agitated manner. "You have no idea the effect you have on me, Katniss."

"Well, I'm sitting on my bed in my underwear," she snapped back, mortified at the entire conversation. "Of course you feel something for me right now." That's what I'm banking on.

"Don't- just don't do that Katniss. Not right now."

"Do what?" she asked, angry and confused.

He shook his head in frustration. "You know what. Trivialize the situation. As if I would want to be with you just because of this," he moved his hand in a general waving motion towards her body. She flushed at the implication behind his words.

"I'm so sorry that I'm not meeting your expectations," she bit out stiffly, humiliated and utterly rejected. She moved to stand away from him, but a strong arm yanked her back down to sit on the bed.

"Katniss, I'm fucking in love with you!'

Silence.

She abstractedly noted that she had never heard Peeta curse before.

"So in love with you," Peeta whispered, his eyes wide and filled with panic at the admission. Her tongue felt thick and knotted inside her mouth. She didn't know how to respond. How did I not know that, Katniss thought wildly. Suddenly all of Gale's accusations over the years that she had summarily dismissed made sense. It changed everything. It makes it easier, the bitch inside her coolly noted.

Peeta continued as if he would die if he stopped, "I've been in love with you since we were five years old. I would make cookies and write your name in icing over and over again. When you still lived in the Seam, I used to fantasize about just being your friend, I wanted to be around you so damn badly. When you walked to school, I would count each new rib that I could see beneath your shirt. And when I gave you the bread that time, I-I hated myself for not doing more. For not being able to help before. I was so jealous of Gale Hawthorne when I'd see you slip into the woods, but I couldn't even hate him because he was doing what I longed to do- taking care of you. And when your parents died, and you came to live with your grandparents, I was- I was so hurt for you. I swore that I would do everything that I could to protect you from being unhappy again. And you lived practically next door to me! It was the worst time of your life but there I was feeling like I had won a lottery because I love-"

Shut up shut up shut up, she screamed inside her head. She needed him to stop talking so badly.

She kissed him.

He made a funny little mmmfff sound as her mouth collided with his. Katniss forcefully stopped the words coming out of his mouth because she needed him to quit talking, to stop saying that he loved her, because it would make what they had to do so much harder. She thought that she could learn how to fuck, but didn't think she could ever really love a man in that way. Even if that man was Peeta, the only person other than Prim for whom she would lay down her life without hesitation.

Romantic love destroyed; it was a dandelion in the winter. Love was for the weak.

Peeta tried to pull back from her, but she grabbed his head forcefully, taking advantage of the space between his lush, perfect lips, shoving her tongue in his mouth roughly. It was a sloppy, unpracticed collision of teeth and lips, but for a few moments, it was right.

"Katniss!" he finally wrestled himself away.

She quickly unsnapped her bra. If the moment wasn't so serious, so crucial, the comical rounding of his bright, shimmering eyes would have been sweet.

"Peeta," she said unsteadily. "Please, just…please." She gently took his shaking hand and placed it on her breast. His mouth dropped at the contact. "I don't know what to do." She despaired when he pulled his hand away, fearing his refusal.

Her heart leapt as he stood up and pulled his shoes and shirt off, his face strangely blank. She sat on the edge of the bed and stared up at him, both of them in a state of fretful limbo. He stood with his hands at his sides loosely, still uncertain, as if this moment was one of fiction. With bravery she didn't know she possessed, Katniss reached up with anxious fingers and unbuttoned his pressed slacks. He sucked in a gasp as she pulled down the zipper and slid the material from his hips, standing before her in nothing but his district issued boxers, a clean white shade that accented his toned body.

Katniss felt a tug deep in her belly, and wondered if what she was feeling was actually desire. She could handle desire, could focus that emotion into this ancient act with Peeta.

She placed a warm hand on his tight abdomen and trailed her fingers slightly, utterly fascinated with the muscles there. He covered her hand with his large one and released a breath she didn't know he was holding.

"You can't do that," he said roughly.

"Why not?" she asked dreamily. She wondered if she was going into shock, the moment was so absolutely surreal.

"Because I'm going to go off if you do," he said with jagged honesty, his face flushed. Her eyes were drawn to the large bulge that had gathered at the front of his undershorts and thought she understood what he meant, with her limited knowledge of the male anatomy. Katniss felt an odd sense of excited empowerment that she could have such an effect on this boy, and wondered if she might be the Seam slut that she was accused of being her whole life.

A peculiar feeling of serenity washed over her as she scooted backwards on the bed, pausing to pull back the fitted sheets. "Come lay with me, Peeta," Katniss said in a voice she hardly recognized as herself.

He swallowed hard, breathing deeply and staring at her. "I need you," she said, and his walls crumbled completely.

He lowered himself down to the bed as she slid off her panties without preamble, her eyes closed as the last layer of armor was discarded, laying bare before the boy with the bread. She heard him inhale sharply.

"Katniss, look at me," he said quietly, kneeling between her legs.

Katniss felt his hand in her hair. "Please, look at me," he beseeched her, his voice thick with emotion. "I need to know you're here with me."

She did so reluctantly, and saw a question there. "We're doing this?" he asked with a funny inflection, almost a statement rather than a query. He seemed to understand that the time for arguments and pretenses was over.

"Yes," her lips formed the word as her hand reached out to touch his blond curls. She was proud she kept the tremble out of her voice. He dropped one, two, three firm kisses onto her lips and gently ran his hand down her cheek. He trailed his fingers downward and grazed her pebbled nipples faintly. She gasped into his mouth, and wondered at the little jolt of pleasure between her thighs.

"Are you ready?" he asked seriously. She bit her lip and nodded, pulling the sheet over their bodies. She spread her bent legs and Peeta hovered closely over her, his face concentrated. There were fumbling movements under the sheets and a whispered plea for her help to guide him and then oh god.

He slid into her and it hurt. Oh god, it hurt. She turned her head to the side to hide the anguished expression on her face. He was just so big.

"Peeta," she choked out. He froze immediately, his face a mixed mask of joy and fear. "Just…slow, okay? He nodded with difficulty, pulling back carefully before entering her again. "Tell me if you want to stop," he said softly, and Katniss appreciated how much restraint it showed for him to say that. His arms literally shook with the effort of holding back, of maintaining the gentle sliding motions connecting them in the most primal of places. It still hurt, not as badly as before, but it wasn't pleasant like she had heard the girls in the bathroom at school brag about. She felt absolutely filled to the brim, with no control over the little burning movements inside of her.

She spared a look up at his face and was moved to see a purely intense expression, one she had never seen. Katniss thought that she had known his every look, and for a wild moment, she wondered if he was feeling the same agonizing sensation- but when he let out a pleasured filled groan, meeting her eyes with such gratitude, such love, she knew it wasn't true.

"I'll take care of you," he swore, his eyes more serious and concentrated than she had ever seen before.

"I promise," he vowed, pushing into her again carefully, as if she would break. "I…swear it… on everything," he gasped, burying his face in her neck. His mouth whispered garbled promises against the crease of her shoulder in time to the tempered thrusting of his hips. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

"Oh, Peeta," she replied softly, glad he couldn't see her pained wince. "I know."

It was only a few moments later when she felt his body shake and tremble above her before tensing to a stop completely. "Katniss," he groaned into her neck. She felt a warm trickling sensation between her legs and knew that it was over. He rolled off of her- ever mindful of crushing her with his weight- but held her close in his arms, his chin resting on her shoulder. As if he couldn't bear to let her go.

"You didn't…" Peeta trailed off, ashamed.

Katniss shook her head and pulled back to kiss him lightly on the lips, wondering how she could feel closer to him than she had ever felt with anyone in her entire life. She felt the inescapable bonds of what they had done sink into her heart, laying down tendrils of roots in the reluctant soil there. "It's okay," she murmured, trailing her hands down his bare back, their legs entwined together in a knotted tangle.

Peeta held her tighter against his body. "I'll make you feel good next time," he promised sleepily, his eyes already shuttering closed in exhaustion. Katniss wanted to take a shower, to wash the sticky, sweaty grime from her sore body, but was too tired to pull away from his arms. For once, she wasn't thinking about what tomorrow would bring, about what the cold light of day would shed on their situation. It was too warm there in his embrace, too comforting, too Peeta.

"Love you," he mouthed against her neck. "Love you so much, Katniss."

"I know," she whispered, the words next time rattling around in her brain as sleep finally claimed them both.

-x-

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