Chapter Five- Thaw

I was overly apologetic to Enzo about Damon's behaviour, and even though I knew I was no way responsible for it, I somehow still felt accountable for him and I didn't understand why. The old him maybe, but this new asshole? No way in hell. Regardless, there was going to be no resolution tonight, plus I had honestly had just about enough of this dreadful Thursday as I could handle. Caroline had opted to stay for a few more drinks with a now calm Enzo and I had a sneaking suspicion she wanted to thank him with booze for standing up for me the way that he had. I felt like I should have been a little bit more thankful toward him myself but I just didn't have the energy tonight. It was strange that such cutting words coming from the man who used to adore more didn't cut me as deeply as they should, but somehow in the past week I had become almost immune to his cruelty.

I was relieved pulling into the driveway of the Manor that Stefan's car was the only one at the house. I knew Damon would eventually be home but right now, his presence would threaten to push me over the edge. It had been a big day, and I prayed to whatever god there was that I would be able to find some slumber tonight, even just for a few hours. Everything was tired: my mind, my body and especially my soul, and I craved some decent sleep. As I stepped inside the large entrance, I immediately saw Stefan's eyes on me from the lounge. I waved mindlessly, not having the energy for a conversation with him, but the motioning of his hands told me I wasn't going to slip into my bedroom so easily. He would know about the events at the office today and he would want to deconstruct it piece by piece, which I did not have the energy for. But I was trapped between a rock and a hard place, it would be rude to ignore him and go straight to bed, so instead, I followed his gesture and sat opposite him on the plush couch.

"You look like hell" He greeted, handing me a glass of scotch from the lavish Salvatore collection and waving for me to drink up

"I feel even worse" I offered following his command and tipping the entire contents down my dry throat. He gently took the glass from my grasp and re-filled it before I had the opportunity to ask for another "So you're all clued in on today?"

"Yeah, Caroline gave me the run down of what happened after the meeting. It's completely unacceptable…"

"I could have killed him Stefan. I honestly could have killed him with my bare hands. And then after work at the grill, he showed up and started spurting his usual nonsense and I just…." I had to stop myself before I got too fired up again. The last thing I needed was adrenaline running through my veins… I would have no hope of sleep. "I rue the day you ever convinced me to take this job" It was meant as a joke to lighten the mood, but the ripple effect of concern that erupted across his face told me he took it a little too seriously.

"I think, you need a break"

"Yeah you're right. I might look into getting out of town for a weekend…."

"No Elena. Like, right now. Two, maybe three weeks. I'll give you the jet, fly somewhere, clear your head…"

"What?"

"I think it would be good for you"

"I can't go anywhere right now, work is…"

"Still going to be there when you get back. I'll fill in with Caroline's help or get Damon…."

"Over my dead body is Damon going to cover me while I take a forced vacation" I said with a deep growl. The grasp I had around my scotch glass suddenly caused it to shatter all over the floor and the deep cut it left on the inside of my palm began aching. Stefan's eyes pleaded with me empathetically as he took a handkerchief from his top pocket, knelt down and applied pressure to my gushing wound

"This is exactly why you need a break Elena" He told in an overly soothing tone "This anger that I'm seeing in you, it's beginning to frighten me."

"I have spent the last week being tormented by a sadistic asshole, I think a little anger is normal"

"Sure, but not this. This isn't reactive anger, it's a deep seeded quiet type that just brews and brews over time." Stefan took a large breath through his nose and closed his eyes for a moment before reopening them to look at me. He had such a sadness on his face that perplexed me "I've seen what happens to vampires with this kind of anger Elena. If you keep going down this path…if you keep rejecting every emotion you feel and cling to anger instead, you're at risk of flipping your switch"

"Wait a minute. I get harassed and tormented by Damon yet I am the one that is in the wrong.."

"This is exactly what I'm talking about Elena! You're fixating….fixating on your anger towards him…and if you're not careful it's going to consume you"

"You're insane. There's nothing wrong with me…"

"I've been a little better at keeping my mouth shut than Caroline has, but we have both noticed a significant decline in your wellbeing in the past few months"

"Well I'm sorry that I'm not living up to your standards of immortality" I growled

"Elena just breathe, okay. Take a deep breath, realise that I am not criticising you, I am trying to help you"

"Well stop trying!" I screamed at him as I lifted myself to my feet. "I'm fine!" How dare he? I was the one on the receiving end of this, and somehow Damon came out smelling like roses in his eyes and I was the unstable one? Oh yeah let's just give the viciously cruel humanity-less vampire his job back and force the person who has been slaving her ass for the past few months covering for him to take time off. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was so ungrateful. I had been killing myself for him, worrying my self sick the last few months that I wasn't doing a good enough job for him and how he was forcing me to take time off. He was just as bad as his brother. Stefan and I hadn't even noticed that our conversation had not been private for the last few moments until Damon's laughter could be hear echoing through the house. My blood began boiling at the sound and the repulsion coursing through my body at the mere sight of his glib face nearly caused me to vomit. I hated him, I hated everything about him especially that laugh. I was so concerned with the red aura of fury that overcame my senses that I hadn't observed the slight woman standing at his side, but to my credit she was so petite that the arm Damon had around her was nearly completely concealing her.

"Sorry….are we interrupting something?" He smirked, tightening the grip around the girl. My eyes roamed her figure, and I felt a huge stab in my heart when I saw just how striking she was. After everything he had done to me; tormenting me, insulting me, degrading me, discrediting me…now, he was bringing a girl home to flaunt in front of me. This was the straw that would break the camel's back. I felt like I was spinning out of control. All of my senses were distorted, and all I could see was how much I hated himS and how much worse my life had become since he had come into it. My body was moving before I could comprehend what I was doing, and by the time I reached him, I barely realised that my hand had curled into a fist and struck him hard in the face until a sharp ache spread across my knuckles and he went flying off his feet. I hadn't used my vampire strength before in a fight, hell, I'd never used my human strength before in a fight, and I was shocked to see just how far across the room Damon flung back. The waif who had been standing beside him started screaming, and her high pitched shriek caused my eyes to widen and well with sudden realisation of what I had done. I could feel tears starting to form, the hot wet sting of the waterworks that were pushing at the threshold and threatening to burst, but I couldn't do it here, I wouldn't do it here, I had to get away, as far away from this house and this situation and this life as I could…so I ran. I ran out the door and across the cobblestone driveway leading to the Manor and through the parted entrance to the woods that surrounded the majestic home. The sharp branches of the white pine trees bristled hard against my face as I dashed between them and although I knew from the heavy cover of trees and complete darkness that I was deep into the woods now, it still didn't feel far enough away. Something inside me had cracked, the wall I had been erecting with such diligence over the past few months was falling apart, and I didn't want to handle it, I didn't know how to handle it. The ground beneath me started to dip and my foot caught on a solid object of some sort which sent my body hurdling out of control down the steep decline of the hill ahead. I tumbled and turned and flew through the air like a pinball, hitting rock after rock and tree after tree. After what felt like an hour in freefall I finally rolled to a stop at the bottom on the hill and slammed hard into an elk tree. My body felt completely broken; the pain and bruising from the fall, the cuts on my cheek from rushing past the sharp pine tree branches and the cut and bruising on my hand from the glass I had broken and the punch I delivered, physically, I was in a bad way. But that was nothing compared to the wave I felt pushing against the wall. Physical pain I could handle, it let you know that you were alive, but this, the tsunami of emotion I had kept concealed for so long, five months' worth of heartache that had been buried…that would kill you. I pushed back as hard as I could, I used every fibre in my being to prevent it from breaking, but as I lay there on the cold wet ground in the middle of nowhere, I suddenly felt it. I felt everything. The tears I had forced myself to hold in at the Manor were now flowing free and I began hyperventilating in agony as the force of my emotion began crushing me, and for the first time since my transition, I knew what I had been running from: Guilt. The death of my aunt who I never properly grieved; the horror I felt for resenting her for dying and forcing me to have to give up my academic career to take care of my brother; the devastating depression that consumed Jeremy after her death and the death of my parents that I couldn't help him through; having him compelled to leave town because I fell in love with the wrong person; losing one of my best friends because I wanted to protect her; the end of Caroline's human life, the end of my own human life; all the hopes and dreams I had had for the future, to finish college, to marry to love of my life, to have three beautiful children together, live in a house similar to my parents, watch them grow up and start lives of their own, none of which could happen now that I was a vampire; forever being frozen and never moving forward; and last but not least, Damon. Hating myself in the beginning for falling for such an egotistical asshole; falling in love even more when I saw the soft and loving man he hid underneath it; how much of myself I sacrificed to help him; how much I loved him and how wonderful it felt for him to love me in return; waking up and finding out that my death had been the trigger that made him flip the switch: it was all tied together. I wept and I screamed at how answerable and guilt-ridden my soul was for everything that had happened, and now I finally understood what Stefan had warned me about. All of this, the extremely exquisite pain, I had been running from it, but I couldn't run anymore. Deep down I blamed myself for all of it: Jeremy, Caroline and especially Damon, and I had done the exact same thing after my transition as he had. I honed in on my perceived hatred for him, but really, it was killing me that I couldn't help him. And now, now that it was coming back, now that I was allowing myself to experience every tiny little thing, I felt even guiltier than I had turned my back on him when he had returned. I loved him, I loved him more than anything, and instead of confronting myself, I had acted out against him. He wasn't the same man I knew right now, I knew that. He was the darkest possible version of himself. And instead of giving him the patience and kindness that I promised Stefan I would, the same patience and kindness that Damon would give me, instead of following him into the depths of hell and dragging him back, I had given up. I had given up on everything. But most of all, I had given up on myself. My screams quietened down and the ghostly quiet of the woods was almost soothing to my loud and chaotic brain. I couldn't move, I didn't know how to. All I could do was lay there and bask in the grandeur of the pain.

I couldn't tell you how many hours I had laid at the foot of that elk tree weeping, but as the orange sparks of daylight cracked through the thick hooded branches, I knew it was a new day, and I knew I had the ability to face it all now. There is a safety in protecting your heart and your mind from the cruelness of the world, but the words I had whispered to Damon so long ago kept creeping back into my mind. Turning off your emotions protects you from feeling the bad emotions, but it also stops you from experiencing the good, and as of today, I was ready to feel them all again. I couldn't do it all at once, it was too much to take in, but step by step I was ready to take the horrible with the wonderful, and although it would be hard, it would be worth it. The idea of going back to the Manor terrified me to my core. The thought of bumping into Damon and his delicate little waif the morning after their rendezvous, but I needed to get myself cleaned up and showered, and unfortunately, the Manor was my only option. I was too injured to vamp speed back home and the long trudge through the woods let me know just how far I had travelled last night. It took me another hour and a half to finally reach the clearing in the trees that separated the woods and the house, and as it came into view I thought that it was much wilder inside there than it was in the wilderness. All four cars were in the driveway so it was a full house, and I hoped to god that they were all still asleep.

I crept through the door as quiet as a mouse and tiptoed my way upstairs to the safety of my bedroom. I was ordinarily in the office by now, but I needed a long hot shower and maybe even an hours nap before I had enough gumption to go in. I felt so drained mentally, but strangely awoken as well, and for the first time since my transition: I felt like somewhat like the person I was before my death. I had just kicked off my shoes when there was a knock at my door before it opened. My back was still turned, and I didn't need to look to know it was him

"Nice of you to grace us with your presence. Stefan and Queen B have been out looking for you all night" It surprised me that the sound of his voice no longer irritated me, I found it almost, soothing in a way, like I used to. I turned around to face him and observed the shock on his face when I did "Jesus Christ Elena what happened to you? Are you alright?" His feet moved a few steps towards me before he caught himself and stopped.

"I'm okay, I fell, that's all" I smiled weakly. He almost sounded, concerned that I was injured, but perhaps he was just surprised. I could only imagine how horrible I looked. "I didn't mean to worry anyone"

"Yeah well…just call them. They're calling me every ten seconds to ask if you've come home and it's starting to really piss me off" The alarm in his voice had disappeared and it was back to being monotone. He turned to exit the room but I had something I needed to do before he left. I knew in his current state it wouldn't mean anything to him, but it was important for me to get it out.

"Damon?" I called after him, startled when he actually stopped and turned back to face me "I owe you an apology….for last night. I never should have hit you, it was wrong and completely out of line. I'm really sorry and I hope you will be able to forgive me" He stared at me, stared right down into my soul and for the first time since he came back into town, I felt a tinge of electricity prickle over my skin.

"No, I shouldn't have brought….."He stopped himself before he finished his sentence, and the hitch in his breathing told me that he was frustrated with himself for some reason "What I mean is….it's fine…..just….don't do it again or I'll rip your head off" And he was back. Although it was a semi threat there was a tinge of humour in his voice and I found myself smiling a little too widely at him "I mean it…I'll rip it right off"

"It won't" We nodded at each other and I felt some kind of unspoken understanding between us. He once again turned his back to walk out of my bedroom before stopping a step before the door

"Go downstairs and drink a few blood bags…..it will heal you right up" He told from over his shoulder before disappearing out the door.

And just like that, Damon and I had experienced our first civil conversation since his return.

A/N Thank you again for all your wonderful reviews and feedback. With each day I'm seeing more and more of you following the sequel and it makes me super happy

I've had a lot of reviews complaining that this 'version' of Damon is more horrible than you expected. His humanity is off- of course he is horrible- but isn't it going to make it so much more enjoyable when we he turns it back on? Think about how glorious a beautiful sunny day is after two weeks of thunderstorms.

I've also had some feedback that Elena doesn't seem to love Damon anymore, and I hope after this Chapter that has been cleared up. I have been building up to her thawing her emotions back out. I can promise you that she always has loved him, it's just been buried.

Littledove