A TORRID PHONE CALL, OR AT LEAST A QUICK ONE

"Skillman Sound"

" Chandelier, this is ."

"No, this is Chablis. You want to talk to Andy?"

"Y-yes. God I wish he'd get a cell-"

"Hey, Shirl. How you likin' the reunion?"

"Squiggy, I wish you were here. And you shouldn't let those little slu-girls call you Andy."

"I don't mind. I go by Andy. I don't go by Squiggy no more-"

"Any more. You don't go by Squiggy any more."

"Right. You said it. So why you call me that? I changed my name from Squiggman to Skillman. Beth was a bitch, but that was the best advice she-"

"Ok. Enough. I'm at the reunion right now. I wish you were here."

"I don't want a lotta assholes comin' up, "Hey Squiggy"

"That might not happen."

"We been married twenty-six years, and this is the first time you called me Squiggy since-"

"I'm sorry Squi-Andrew. You're right. You're a different person now. But get this-Laverne is here, and she's BLIND."

"Don't you read "People" magazine? Not you, you're the intellectual. Just 'Readers Digest' right? I showed you that article. Macular degenerative whatsis, and real young. What's the last time you saw her?"

"I think it was 1970. At her dad's funeral. Before that, I hadn't seen Laverne in-"

"Yeah. Right. Well, article said Laverne was a shampoo girl, somethin' like that, lost her sight, and was on welfare, blind as a bat, and began tellin' stories into a tape recorder, neighbor typed them up, sold them to a "True Confessions" magazine-"

"No, I know. And now she has twenty-six best sellers. And a mini-series thing on Showtime. But I just-she looked sort of helpless, hanging on to, I guess it is her son's arm." Pause. "She was wisecracking away, though. Vice Principal Medowski is in a wheelchair, deaf as a post, and she was screaming into his ear that she knows he still wants to go under her skirt."

"Didja see Lenny? Bet he's fat."

"Is that why you didn't come, Squiggy?"

"No, I toleja, I didn't come because I'm a different person now. I got elevator shoes, a high school diploma, hair plugs, and the largest sound technician biz in Nutley, New Jersey. I been through est, all that. I like being taken seriously. I was a greaser nobody there. Like Lenny."

"And you loved Lenny."

"Shut up. I love you."

"We have what my shrink calls a companionate marriage. It's okay, I love you a lot, and you are my husband and my best friend. But you and Lenny-"

"Shirl, I got to go. Why don't you look for Carmine? See if you can blow him inna bathroom."

"That is totally uncalled for. And Carmine died of lung-hello?"