Chapter 15- We were infinite

I walked the few blocks from the grill to the office, desperately wanting to avoid going home at all costs. Damon had not enraged me like he had in the last few weeks, he had just made me feel foolish. Foolish to think that we were connecting again when really it was part of a plan Elijah had requested. I knew he hadn't done it maliciously, I knew that he cared about me, but I was fragile at the moment, and if I was honest with myself: it hurt. And if I couldn't trust him to be honest with me, especially now that his humanity was back, well, he was no better than Katherine. I gave the weekend security guard a smile as I punched in my security codes and took the elevator up to the executive level. I liked it here on the weekends, it was quiet, with no one in sight, and I could really escape into my own thoughts. Or hide behind my work, because let's be honest, that's exactly what I was doing.

I sat down behind my desk and breathed a sigh of relief that I was finally in some solitude. I waited for my laptop to boot up and without premption, started thinking back to what Damon was saying at the Grill. I didn't have my parents house or Jeremy to worry about any more, and there really wasn't anything holding me back from returning to New York to resume my degree. I could get away from this all. Get away from Mystic Falls, from Damon, from Katherine, from the town that had taken almost everything from me. It was a tempting thought, but until I was completely comfortable with my immortality and more in control of myself, I wasn't ready to be seperated from the support network I had here. Maybe in a year or two...

I heard the buzzing of the elevator and rolled my eyes impatiently when I saw Damon come walking out into the foyer. It felt like a million years ago that he used to sit in this office while I busied myself around him as his personal assistant, and it brought an unexpected smile to my face to remember just how nervous he used to make me when he would get off that lift in his designer suits.

"I thought I'd find you here" He greeted as he walked into the office

"Please Damon, not right now. Can we do this later" I begged him hoping on the off chance that for once in his life he would give into a request I had.

"You need to stop overreacting" He said, completely ignoring my request. Well, it looks like we were going to do it right now

"Overreacting?" I repeated

"Yes, overreacting. You and I need to be more open with each other"

"Open with each other" I scoffed, completely bewildered at the words coming out of his mouth "You just lied directly to my face and you're lecturing me about being more open with each other?"

"I didn't lie to you Elena. Elijah suggested that you and I spend more time together around town so word got back to Katherine. I wanted to spend some time with you today so I asked you to the Grill. Two birds with one stone"

"Yeah well, you still should have told me"

"Alright maybe I should have. But if I did, would you have been able to relax and have such a good time? Or would you be over thinking everything and telling yourself that I was only out with you because I had to be?" He knew me a little too well and it was annoying at times "Elena, you have to stop jumping to conclusions. I know I haven't given you any reason to trust me recently, but you need to start asking me questions instead of making assumptions and storming away in a huff" He threw his hands up in the air in frustration before taking a few steps and sitting on the edge of his desk "I've hurt you lately. I know I have. And I'm sorry for that. But if you and I are ever going to get back to the way we used to be, if we are ever going to get back to us, then we need to start communicating better. It doesn't have to be this hard" I felt my breath hitch at his words before gaining the courage to speak

"Is that what you want? To go back to the way we used to be?" I questioned with a slight tremble in my voice. His faced morphed into something I hadn't quite seen before but I got the feeling he was being condesending

"Elena...come on" He growled as his hand skimmed over the surface of my desk and grabbed mine "How could you think I could possibly want anything else?

"I don't know...it's been a rough and confusing past few months" His grip around my hand tightened

"Hey. Look at me" He told firmly "No matter what happens. No matter how bad things get or how confusing they may seem. I'm never going to stop loving you. I couldn't...even if I tried...and I've tried, believe me"

"I know you do...I just...I'm not that same girl any more Damon. The girl I was before you left. The girl I was before you turned your humanity off. There are so many things about me that are so different now..."

"And I'm going to enjoy finding out every single little one of them" He reassured me "You stood by me and helped me find my way back when I was lost. Let me do the same for you"

"What if you don't like the person I've become?" I asked seriously. It was a question that had played on my mind over and over the past few days. I wasn't that same innocent naive human that I was when we first fell in love. Immortality had changed me. I was darker now.

"Impossible" Was his instant response

"You say that with such confidence. How can you be so sure?" He smirked cheekily at me, like he knew the answer to a question I hadn't even asked yet, and although it irked me that he had his know it all jackass grin on his face, I somehow found it charming. Suddenly, his gaze broke from mine and he hopped off the desk and walked over to the bar cart that was still in the corner of the office. When I had redecorated the place in order to make it bearable for me to work in here day after day, it was the one piece of his original office furniture I couldn't bring myself to cast aside. He swiftly filled two crystal glasses to the brim with amber liquid and returned to his position on the edge of the desk, thrusting the glass in front of me "What is this for?" I asked

"You and I are going to sit here and hash out this self loathing vamp attitude you seem to have developed since your transition. And in order to do that we are going to need alcohol...lots and lots of alcohol"

"I am not self loathing" I defended, but huffed in defeat when his questioning eyes told me my statement wasn't fooling anyone

"Yeah well tell that to your face; cos it's telling me a whole other story" He grinned. He moved from the desk to the chair directly in front of the desk and leaned his body back so he could stretch out and place his feet on the table. "Alrighty Gilbert. Let's start from the top"

"The top?"

"Yes the top. Your first day of your transition"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"Well? You woke up, you realised you were becoming a vampire...describe"

"Uhh...I don't know. I was on the couch at the Manor. Caroline and Stefan were there. I kept asking where you were and they wouldn't tell me. All they told me was Katherine had compelled me and I'd hurt myself again, but this time it was too late. Caroline fessed up to giving me her blood just in case and I flew into a rage at her for doing it without my permission. They kept trying to tell me what was happening but I just wasn't taking any of it in, I was too concerned with you and why you weren't there.." I saw the look of sadness on his face at my words and I had to prevent myself from walking across the room and throwing my arms around him in comfort. I sensed a feeling of failed obligation for him not being there during my transition, but it wasn't his fault. It was anyone's fault; it was just a huge mess

"So you flew off the handle. Then the head and body aches started kicking in, your sensitivity to light.."

"Yeah it didn't take too long actually. Before I knew it the physical pain was far worse than the mental pain and I was just so...hungry. Caroline and Stefan encouraged me to feed and eventually I downed a blood bag and well..the rest is history. It wasn't until after my transition had been completed that they told me everything that had happened. About your switch, about you taking off. It's kind of strange that they waited so long to tell me"

"It's not actually" He said almost immediately "They know as well as me what you would have done. You would have flown out of there guns blazing in search of me. You wouldn't have given up until you found me and you wouldn't have fed. And well...where would we be then?"

"I guess I never really thought about it like that" I admitted

"Okay so we've gone through the initial stage; what about after it? The first few days?"

"It was just as miserable. Stefan took me out into the woods and tried in vain to get me to feed off animals but I just couldn't keep it down. It just felt so surreal...everything...like this entire new world had opened up yet I was completely and utterly uncomfortable in my own skin. Everything hurt...it hurt to think, it hurt to breathe...because I knew you were out there somewhere with your humanity off and it was all because of me"

"I think the word you are looking for Elena is guilt. And trust me when I say that it is the emotion that vampires handle the worst"

"Guilt?"

"You felt responsible for it. For me taking off and switching my emotions off. For you dying and Caroline and Stefan having to help pick up the pieces. You like to be the one who is finding solutions for people. You like to be the one to help others, and when something happens that you feel is your fault, you spiral a little. You did it as a human and now, that behaviour is magnified ten folds" I paused for a moment in an attempt to comprehend what he was explaining to me. It did make sense, I knew that I didn't feel guilt very well, and consciously, I hadn't realised I was perhaps holding onto guilt about Damon's dark months as much as everything else. "You can't be the saviour all of the time Elena. It's okay to accept help from people every once in a while"

"I have been feeling guilt. It's one thing that Stefan and I talked about when you first came back because I was just so...angry all the time and he told me it was a defence mechanism because I didn't want to deal with what was really going on. I guess it makes sense"

"Anger is easy. Anger doesn't hurt as much. Trust me, I know from experience" I furrowed my brow slightly at his words "When I came back into town, my switch wasn't completely off. The second that I found out you were still alive a tiny part of my humanity crept in, whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not. But as soon as you open the door for one thing, it all comes flooding back in, even the stuff that you don't want to. So I clung to anger too. Anger that in my absence you seemed to take over my old life. You moved into the Manor, you had my old job at my fathers company, and subconsciously I knew that you hadn't done any of that to hurt me, in fact on the contrary, you were helping Stefan out in a time that my departure was threatening to cause major havoc to our partners and the companies stocks; but instead of acknowledging that I was experiencing emotions again, I blocked them out and focused on rage. It's completely normal and common for our kind Elena, and you can't beat yourself up about it, or it will consume you"

"That's exactly what Stefan said. Anger will consume you"

"It will. It's a toxic emotion and after a while if that's all you're holding on to, it's pretty easy for you switch to flip itself. What brought you out of it? The anger that you felt for me?"

"It's still there. It's almost...comforting to fall into. You're right, it doesn't hurt as much as what you're truly feeling. But it was the night you brought that girl home and I hit you. As soon as I'd done it the old part of me thats somewhere inside knew I had stepped over the line and done something awful. And I ran, I ran out of the house and deep into the woods and after a while I just dropped to my knees and suddenly, it all just came out of me. I fell apart. All of the things I'd been suppressing since my transition, all of the guilt, just poured out of me and honestly, I felt like I was being torn apart. I realised that I had been pretending I didn't still have feelings for you because it was easier then trying to deal with the mess we were in. I pretended that I hated you and clung to anger because it was easier to focus on what a hurtful asshole you were being than to try and help you through it. I'm better since then, I know I am, and I try not to fall into the rage as much but it's still hard. I used to believe I was a good person with a strong moral compass and now; well, most days I just feel like a monster. A monster capable of so much cruelty" He nodded in acknowledgement of what I was saying, and unlike when I had these kinds of discussions with Stefan, I could tell he could relate to my words.

"I know it may not mean too much to your right now Elena, but I want to give you some advice that someone once told me: you are not the monster that you think you are. You are capable of love and joy and light. And even sometimes when you fall short. Sometimes when you feel like the monster inside of you is consuming you...I will follow you into the dark, and bring you right back." I couldn't help but smile at him as I remembered the words I had so naively whispered into his ear so long ago were repeated to me.

"What idiot told you that?" I smiled softly

"Oh some girl I used to date. I think you'd like her actually; she's the most extraordinary person I've ever met" I took a deep breath, knowing the risk I was taking with this next statement, but in the moment, I felt closer to him then I had since his return home

"I wish it was you Damon. I wish it had been you to help me through all of this from the beginning" He placed his scotch on the desk and walked around to sit right in front of me. He reached his hand out and placed it gently on the side of my jaw in a sign of compassion

"I know" He whispered

"You have no idea how many nights I found myself in your room...just hoping and praying that some way or some how you would come home to me and tell me what I should do or how I was going to get through it. I feel awful and ungrateful because Stefan has been beyond patient and beyond wonderful but...he wasn't you. If I had to go through this I wanted it to be you that taught me...I needed it to be you because now...I'm a mess...and I feel like I'm never going to find my way back to who I used to be"

"Oh Elena" He cooed softly, his right thumb gently skimming the grove between my jaw and my cheekbone "I never wanted this for you. This was my biggest fear from the moment we became involved...that you'd be frozen like me. That you'd never get to live a normal and human life like you were supposed to. And for that, I'm so so sorry" He reached down and placed a kiss on my forehead, lingering for much longer than he perhaps should have, causing tiny bumps of excitement to spread all over my body. He leant back, breaking the contact his lips had against my forehead but never shifting his powerful gaze from my own "I love you. I know I don't deserve to say that to you after what I've done, I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear right now, and it's the last thing I should be saying while everything is so chaotic; but I want you to know that I do. You are the single driving force that has brought me back from the edge time and time again. You are my entire world Elena, and I promise you, this time...I'm going to be there. I promise you, this time, I won't let you down" I had risen to my feet before the last words had left his tongue and in an instant, my lips were on his. I couldn't control myself, every single fibre of my being needed to touch him, to feel his skin against mine, and what started out as a soft chaste kiss had soon moved into a a passionate frenzy. My tongue darted into his already open and eager mouth and I felt a hot tingle in my core as his connected with mine and began an elegantly synchronised dance. My hands connected themselves around his neck and as soon as my skin was on his, I heard a deep growl erupt from his throat and he pulled me firmly against him. I was lost to him, any time his hands or lips were on mine I was completely and utterly lost to him. This was the only thing that made sense, he and I together, and no matter what had happened or how deeply the cuts of the past had scarred me; it was becoming increasingly clear that the two of us together was the only thing to heal my broken and tortured soul. I felt his grip on me loosen and just as quickly as out heated exchange had erupted, he pulled gently away from me. I stood panting and chapped lipped as he smiled sweetly and ran his finger across my cheek

"We can't do this every time Elena. Just...throw caution to the wind and become engrossed in one another"

"We can't?" I asked confused

"We need to do it properly this time. I can't risk losing you again...I won't risk losing you again. And if that means we have to wait a little bit longer until we are both ready...then as much as my heart and my body is screaming at me to do the exact opposite, it's what I'm going to do"

"I miss you and I love you...I can't see there being a better reason then that to through caution to the wind" I told honestly. His eyes scrunched and he pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand while his other remained tightly gripping my waist

"Can you ever make this easy for me Gilbert?" He growled in frustration, but we both knew that once we started, once our hands had been on each other and the flurry of kisses and touches had ignited a fire: nothing on earth could extinguish it.

"I need you" I told honestly, and although I was on the cusp of intoxication, I knew it was true "Please" His lips returned to mine and in one swift movement he placed his other hand around my waist, hoisted me up and sat me on the desk. I wrapped my legs around him eagerly, impatiently wanting to feel him inside of me again. It had been like no other experience I had ever had in the seedy hotel room on our roadtrip gone wrong and I was desperate to lose my senses in him again. He pressed himself firmly against me and the rock hard erection that was now pressed against my upper thigh told me he was just as ready as I was. His lips broke away from mine and made their way from the curve of my jaw down to my neck, nipping the skin he knew almost made me come undone with a single bite. There was no turning back now, we had passed the point of return, and neither of us would be satisfied until the elegant melancholy of our release came about. He growled in frustration and ripped my shirt from my body before burying his mouth in my eager bosom. My fingers began running through his hair roughly, tugging and pulling as his expert tongue circled and flicked my nipples. He was perfect, and we were perfect together. He growled again before lifting his face up to look at me again

"I need to fuck you Elena...right now" It wasn't a question, it was a statement, and I was in the exact same frame of mind. It was furious and hurried and passionate and as much as I would love to drag it out, as much as I would enjoy letting him take his time with me and explore every inch of my body with his mouth and his fingers; I needed him this very second. He tore the dark denim jeans from their resting place on my hips the tossed them somewhere into the room and growled in arousal as he realised I was not wearing any panties. Even though I didn't think it was possible, it seemed to fuel his fire more, and within a second his own had joined mine on the marble floor of the CEO office and he was thrusting himself deep inside me. He paused as we both basked in the moment of his rock hard cock filling me up to the brim and as my head flew back he began thrusting in and out of me, firmer and firmer each time, I realised just how complete I felt. He moved his right hand that had been gripped around my waist up past my chest and wrapped his long fingers around my neck, choking me slightly. He didn't have to be as gentle with me anymore. I wasn't a delicate and fragile human that he could accidentally break with his extraordinary strength. I was just as strong as he was, maybe even more in my new age, and he no longer had to hold back. He could give everything to me, and I was accepting it with great pleasure. "Fuck" His pace quickened and the sight of me quivering beneath him with one hand on my waist and one on my throat was nearly pushing him over the edge. I could see it in his eyes.

"Do it" I encouraged, knowing he needed it as much as I did

"Not yet" He growled, enjoying the bliss of our connection too much. He slowed the motions of his hips down, no longer moving rapidly inside of me, instead, falling into a slow and powerful rhythm in an attempt to prolong our tryst. He placed his hand back on my hip and pulled me tightly against him and I shuddered at the altered angle that had his cock reaching even further inside of me. My head flew back, almost overwhelmed by the sensation and my orgasm suddenly began exploding as his wet lips connected with my neck and bit me roughly. I fell apart, piece by piece then suddenly all at once and felt every sense in my body disappear into the stunning abyss that only Damon Salvatore could create for me. Time and space stopped and everything else except for my body, his body and this perfect moment was infinite. We were infinite.

A/N My sincerest apologies for my long absence my loyal readers. A mixture of the busyness of life and a terrible case of writers block have gotten the better of me. Forgive me? And enjoy :)