If you're happy in a dream, does that count?
- Arundhati Roy
For once, my morning matched my night. I woke up with a killer hangover. I rolled over in my New York apartment and stumbled to the bathroom, managing to make it to the toilet before I was sick.
With a pounding head I ran the shower but it didn't help with my headache, my rolling stomach or the smell of nightclub on my skin.
The night was a flash of strobe lights and dancing, laughing and crying in bathrooms. Oh god, did I cry in the bathroom? I groaned as I made my way tentatively back to bed where Eleanor was waiting with some Tylenol and water.
I took them and curled into my covers.
"Big night?" Eleanor asked, looking amused.
"Huge," I mumbled, closing my eyes.
"A guy brought you home..." she said, watching me carefully.
"What!?" I exclaimed, shooting up in bed and regretting it as my stomach turned.
"Yeah, he brought you upstairs. You were the drunkest I've ever seen a person. He seemed really nice. He left his card."
She held a business card just out my reach. I lunged for it, and she quickly snapped it away. She had a peculiar look on her face.
"Eleanor! Give it back!" I tried to yell, but could only manage a whisper. I was never drinking again.
"I'm amazed he left it actually. By the time he wrestled you in the door you were crying, 'Jacob, Jacob, Jacob'"
I went still.
" Leighton, why were you crying Jacob's name?"
I said nothing. What could I say?
"Don't do this to me again," Was all she said, shaking her head slightly. She put the card on my desk as she left, closing the door softly behind her.
To never be able explain to her, to never have her understand, caused an ache of loneliness in my heart.
I fell back into my pillows, rubbing my temples. I didn't necessarily want to sleep, knowing that I had another hangover and a huge mess waiting for me on the other side anyway. But like usual I was drawn in by the thought of seeing Jacob again. Here, safely a world away, I could remember the feeling of being in his arms with uncomplicated longing. I wish I had been sober, just so that I would have had the presence of mind to drink him in. To see if I could account for our years apart with differences in his face, his body.
Instead, I knew that I had to get another chance.
#
I was warm. That was the first thing I noticed. The second thing I noticed was I was in hospital.
I looked around the room, taking in the surroundings. Yep, it was definitely Forks hospital.
I surveyed my body, wrapped tightly in mounds of blankets. Nothing seemed wrong. I looked at the drip in my hand and cringed. Was I so drunk I had to have my stomach pumped? My cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. It wasn't that getting completely wasted was unlike me, it was just that no one had ever had to witness it before.
The nurse seemed surprised that I was awake.
"Leighton!" Judy exclaimed. I remembered her, of course, from my few trips to the hospital. Plus her son, Luke, was a few years older then me, another friend who I forgot to keep in contact with. "How are you feeling?"
Once she asked the question, I realised that I felt good. Too good.
"I feel fine. Though I didn't think Forks Hospital would admit someone for accidentally drinking too much. You'd never have any spare beds." I gave a weak laugh. She gave me a knowing look.
"Darling, you had hypothermia. You were so cold when Jacob brought you in we could barely keep you conscious. Honestly, a beach party in winter. What were you thinking?"
"A beach party?" I asked. There must have been heavy painkillers in that drip. Judy didn't answer, just hummed to herself as she read my chart.
"Everything is looking good, we'll discharge you in a few hours. Its nice to see you again, just don't make trips up here a regular occurrence." She gave me a wink on her way out.
I looked around the room but couldn't see my bag anywhere. Great, I thought, no phone, no wallet, no keys for the u-haul, no clothes, no way home.
As if on cue, Bella walked into the room.
"Call me back as soon as you know something," she said into her phone. "I love you."
We looked at each other for a long moment before either of us said anything.
"Bella, I'm sorry." I started.
"No, Leighton. I'm sorry." She said, rushing to my bedside and sitting up next to me. "I thought I'd try some tough love, but I was just mean. All I wanted to tell you was that we love you. I don't care that you're not my blood relation. If Edward has shown me anything its that you can choose your family, and you are my sister."
"I'm sorry about what I said about Edward," I mumbled, unaccustomed to great showings of affection from Bella.
"I forgive you." She gave me a little shove with her shoulder. We did not fit on the same bed. I gave a weak laugh. I still felt deflated, empty somehow.
"I'm worried about you, Leighton." Bella said softly. "I know you try to keep things from me, but I notice things. You drink more, you don't want to talk about your feelings, you don't want to talk about what happened with Jacob, you hook up with strangers. I don't understand why you don't let us in."
You're not real, I wanted to say. Instead I shrugged.
"You need to talk about what happened with Jacob. You've never spoken about it. You just turned up at our house with a bag of things, and I didn't want to push you, but you just acted like nothing had happened. Something happened Leighton, you need to talk about it. Don't carry it around with you."
Her face was so open, so willing and full of love. It spilled something inside of me. I felt tears prickle my eyes and spill over. Bella knew me too well, she didn't touch me, or even acknowledge that I was breaking. She just waited patiently, as if watching me unfold like origami in front of her, taking away my layers.
"I don't even remember anymore," I sobbed. "How bad is that? I don't remember why I left. I just remember feeling like I had to go and so I left as fast as I could."
I wiped away my tears with a shaking hand, "Now, that doesn't seem to cut it anymore. I loved Jacob so much, and I hurt him. I should be able to remember why I did that, shouldn't I? There should be a reason."
I sobbed, unable to breathe, my confession heavy on my chest.
Bella placed her hand on my back, rubbing small circles.
"It's OK. It's Ok." She whispered. "It's not too late, Leighton. I don't think its too late."
"Its too late, Bella." I said, softly. I knew she was a romantic. She thought it would never be too late for Jacob and I because it would never be too late for her and Edward. But for Jacob and I, right from the beginning, it was too late. I hadn't been quite telling her the truth, though. I did know why I left. I knew the reason, and the exact moment I thought of it.
I was sitting in the sun on the back porch, and he was out there, working on an old car. He was shirtless and in his cutoff jeans, leaning over the hood, and he was magnificent. I couldn't take my eyes off him for a second. He was humming to the radio and it was awful, but I didn't care. My chest was just full of this feeling, it was bubbling over, about to explode. I felt like I couldn't breathe with happiness.
That was when I knew I had to go. I couldn't be without him. How could I spend the next however many years with him and then have him leave me whenever Bella decided to have Renesme? I wanted more time with him, but the more time we had together the worse it would be.
I had to leave him, and I had to do it right that moment. Another second and I wouldn't have been able to do it. I tried to do it before, and the time wasn't right, I wasn't strong enough. This time I had to be stronger. I had to leave and it had to be forever. I didn't think I'd be able to bear it, but I had to. It was either do this now, or lose Bella, Edward, Jacob, everyone later, because I wouldn't have been able to be near him and Renesme.
The next day, I picked a fight over nothing and then I left. We didn't speak, I didn't even let myself glance at a picture of him. I imagined putting all my feelings in a box and throwing away the key. It was a powerful visual.
After a moment of crying, I felt a little better, lighter somehow.
"Thank you," I told Bella, blowing my nose. I was an ugly crier.
"I still think you should talk to him," Bella said, getting up off the bed.
"I love you Bella, but please trust my judgement on this."
"Says the girl whose judgement led her to a freezing cold beach with a bottle of vodka."
I scowled at her. "You promised you wouldn't tease me," I reminded her.
"I did, I'm sorry. It was too easy a shot."
"It's just not going to happen Bella. You need to promise not to interfere with Jacob and I. I'm only here for long enough for you to pop out that baby and enter into eternal death."
"I'm not making any promises," Bella said, a mischievous glint in her eye.
"Bella..." I warned.
Our banter was interrupted by her phone ringing.
"Hello," she answered. I could hear furious chatter on the other end of the line. Bella frowned. "Okay. Sure, Charlie. We'll go right there. I'm at the hospital, just picking her up now. Yes, I remember where you keep the gun. No, I won't touch it. If someone has to touch it, it will be Leighton. Dad, please. Be careful, okay."
She hung up and turned to me, pale as winter snow.
"What's happened?" I asked, with an impending feeling of dread.
"Someone's been murdered."
#
There was, in fact, a murder. The first one in Forks since Mr Callahan killed his wife before shooting himself 10 years earlier. There was violence in Forks, sure. Suicides and domestic abuse, the occasional robbery. But there was never anything like this.
Charlie had made Bella promise to take us straight home and to not leave until we heard more from him. The town was buzzing as we drove through the centre. We could feel the wrongness just from the looks on people's faces as they drove past, or stood on the street. Something had clearly happened at the high school, but the road was barricaded with police blocks, we couldn't see a thing.
Bella and I looked at each other nervously.
Her phone rang. Edwards hard voice came over the bluetooth. "Bella. Where are you?"
"I'm just taking Leighton to Charlie's house. Something has happened at the school. Someone's been killed. Charlie is making us stay at the house until he knows more."
Edward was quiet for a moment, or maybe he was talking to someone else.
"Alice and Rosalie are going to meet you there. Carlisle and I will try to find out some more."
There was a pause.
"Edward, could it be them? Could they have found us?" Bella asked, her voice shaky.
We were both thinking it. How easy would it be for the Volturi to find us here, the place where we left. It had been a long time now without hearing from them, but we all know they hadn't forgotten us. Bella and Edward had broken a promise to them, and I knew they were not the forgiving type. It couldn't have been a coincidence that we were in town less than two days and someone was dead.
"You know I'll protect you, Bella." was all Edward said. Then, surprisingly, "You too, Leighton."
Something inside me swirled, a rush of emotions: anxiety, panic, dread. There was something about Edward's voice, an edge, something that added weight to his words that was beyond his usual seriousness. If I had to guess, I would have said it was sadness or regret. He knew something, and he wasn't telling us.
I paced Charlie's living room, walking anxious circles into the carpet.
We didn't need Edward, or even Charlie, to fill us in. The news was giving us live coverage of the gruesome murder. The TV was on in the living room and the radio was on in the kitchen. Alice was sitting in the corner, pen in her hand, trying to coax a vision and Rosalie and Bella were on the lounge - looking sick.
The body was found on the half-wall that held the school sign. Well, the body parts. There was a head, hands, legs from the knees down. Its eyes were missing. It was rumoured its mouth was sewed shut. Federal police were being brought in. Just as the newsreader was doing another update on "what we know so far" there was a loud knock at the door that caused us all to jump out of our skin.
Rosalie crinkled her nose, "Urgh, dog." She spat.
I was running for the door, thinking, stupidly, that if there was danger around Jacob would come for me. I flung the door open, and quickly had to school my expression as I took in Houghton standing on the front step. Well, at least my suspicions were right.
"Oh, hey." I said, as casually as I could manage.
Houghton looked as amused as always, "Howdy. Chief sent me over to check on his precious cargo." His quick looked into the living room showed just how ridiculous he thought this was. Then I noticed it, just the tiniest movement, but it was definitely there. He was smelling them.
I quickly shut the door, "What are you doing?" I demanded.
Houghton looked unfazed, "Just doing my job, ma'm."
"What, by trying to catch their scent... wait. You don't think they had something to do with this? Are you out of your mind?"
He shrugged, "Can't rule anything out. You bring your leech crew to town and two days later some poor kid is slaughtered and drained of blood."
"It wasn't any of us!" I hissed. "Wait - does that mean it was a vampire?"
"Now you want info from me? You just picked your side Leighton."
"There are no sides," I told him firmly. "Was it a vampire or not?"
He huffed, "If it was a vampire. There's no smell anywhere at the scene. If it was a vampire, we would smell it. Trust me on that."
I tried to hide my glee and failed.
"You're a sick puppy, Leighton Summers."
"What?" I cried sheepishly. "It was just your run of the mill sadistic killer - why can't I be happy about that? If you'd been through what I've been through, you'd be happy about that too."
Houghton shook his head, "I wouldn't be counting your chickens before they hatched."
I froze, unsure of myself. "Why not?"
"I think the message the son-of-a-bitch left was pretty clear,"
"What message?" My voice was shaking, no more than a whisper. I could have sworn the air around us dropped ten degrees.
"It was written on the school sign, in blood."
"What did it say?" I asked, but Houghton turned away from me, strolling back to his car. I chased after him, grabbing his shoulder. "Houghton, what did it say?"
His eyes met mine, sparkling green but this time without any of the amusement. He was afraid.
"It has begun."