Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

- Walt Whitman

My eyes fluttered open to the view of a New York apartment building out my window and I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't sure what had happened the night before, but it obviously had something to do with me sleeping off an exceptional hangover over a very long time.

Still, when I bounced into the lounge room I gave Eleanor a tight squeeze.

"Ugh - what is wrong with you? Get off me." She grumbled, nursing her coffee protectively. "Aren't you late for school."

I looked at the clock and balked, "Yes, I am very late for school."

I quickly changed and ducked out the door, doing a quick surf of Facebook as I bounded down the stairs of our first floor apartment. I pushed open the front door, still absorbed in my phone because Melanie Shaw had lost a lot of weight.

"Leighton - are you leaving? Don't forget its your turn to cook tonight." Said Eleanor over my shoulder.

I looked up from my phone and paused. I was back in our lounge room, holding open the door to the landing.

Sudden confusion hit me as I looked at the stairs. I distinctly remembered going down them, didn't I?

"Hello! Earth to Leighton!"

I blinked. Nothing changed. I could have sworn that I had walked down the stairs.

"I'll see you tonight," I told Eleanor, as I pushed back out the door. On my way down the stairs, I made sure I kept my eyes wide open. I watched my feet hit every step.

As I reached the street, the hot air hitting my face and my ears filling up with New York noise I wondered if I was finally losing my mind. Too many years of over using my brain had finally fried the whole thing. Great. I knew that I had to get out of Forks, out of that other life. One more month. I just had to get my sanity to hold on for one more month.

#

I woke up to the smell of bacon and the sound of laughter.

I pushed open the door and headed to the bathroom, afraid to follow the smells and the noise. I felt guilty about last night with Jacob. I shouldn't have been with him. It was unfair, to him and to myself.

I quickly freshened up. I had no clothes to wear, they were all ripped to pieces in Jacob's room. I had to go and stay at Charlie's house. It was just getting there that was going to be a problem. I paced across the spare bedroom. The only thing I could do was wait until everyone left. In truth, I didn't want to face the pack. They must be angry at me. Especially Colin, we lived together for years. His mum never spoke to him again. I was his family and I just left him without even saying goodbye. Shame wasn't a strong enough word for how I felt.

I sat on the end of the bed, my head falling into my hands.

There was a small knock at the door. I looked up, anxious, not wanting to say come in, wanting everyone to stay out.

"Leighton?"

It was a woman's voice. Soft, unsure, kind. Emily.

"Ah, yeah, sure, come in." I said, scrambling to look like I was doing something other than hiding.

She opened the door and closed it quietly behind her. She turned around, swollen pregnant belly leading the way.

I couldn't help but gasp in happiness, "Oh my god, you're having a baby!"

She smiled, lovingly rubbing the bump. "We sure are. This is actually our second. We have a two year old. A boy, Duke."

I didn't know what to say. It was so strange, seeing all these people again. It made me sad to think about all the parts of their lives I missed.

"I've brought you some clothes." She explained, holding up a pile of folded clothes. "Jacob said you could use some."

I felt my cheeks flush. "I, um, thank you."

She sat down beside me on the bed. I looked at the floor.

"Are you okay, Leighton?" She asked. She surprised me by reaching out and taking my hand. I looked up at her. Her scars were fading. Pregnancy, probably also complete happiness, had her glowing.

The question make my eyes sting. I blinked a few time to clear them.

"I'm great. Thanks for asking and thank you for the clothes, really."

She looked at me without saying anything. Her dark eyes looking right into me. I wondered if she saw all the darkness that was festering under the surface.

"Everyone is here having breakfast. We'd love for you to come out and join us." She said softly.

"I think I might just lie down in here a little while longer,"

She looked at me a moment longer before answering, "Okay, sure. But tonight we're having a little party at BBG's, Colin is turning 21. I want you to come."

"Colin is turning 21? How did that happen?" I frowned. Really, how had that happened? He was such a little kid when I knew him, now by all accounts he was a man. Where did the time go?

"Even I can't believe it sometimes. Time easily gets away from you. Will you come? I won't take no for an answer."

There was something about her voice. It was so nice, so kind after I'd damaged so many people that she loved.

"Come," she insisted, "What's one night to catch up with old friends."

'Okay, I'll come." I reluctantly agreed. One night - and then I could never see Jacob again. I couldn't be trusted around him.

#

Houghton drove me to Charlie's house in a silence that clearly indicated his disapproval. The police had packed up across the road, but the door was still taped off as a crime scene. I shivered when I looked at it.

Charlie wasn't surprised to see me - Bella had dropped of some of my things before "heading back to New York" for a few days. Although they weren't necessarily hiding from the pack, the Cullens realised that with the current state of things between them the pack would most likely would not react well to the baby situation. Which was true, but then it would be all OK when Jacob imprinted. But I wasn't divulging that information yet. I didn't think Bella would react well to it.

All this meant that unless I wanted to be disappeared, I had to live somewhere other than the Cullen's house and Charlie was more than happy to have me.

For the first time in so long, Charlie and I hung out. We watched a game. We - I - grilled some steaks. We drank some beer. We watched videos on Youtube. But the whole time I could see he was in two places, with me, and on the job. His mind was whirling. In the middle of a sentence he'd stop and ask me about something at the house.

"Are you kidding me that - hey, who else has keys to the house?"

When it came to Charlie, he was reserved, but I knew he was deeply intelligent. He was a pool, the was so still you could easily mistake it for shallow. He was calm, thorough, organised, simple. I could see that he was beginning to believe unbelievable things, and it was throwing him.

When I came downstairs dressed to go out I could see that he was relieved. He didn't have to try to fake any normality anymore, he could pull out the crime scene photos I saw stashed under the cushion of the lounge and stare at them all night. I worried about him. I worried that he would figure things out and I thought that would hurt him - to realise he had been deceived by us all, to not have been told the truth when he most needed to know it, to protect his family and his town.

"You look nice," Charlie said gruffly, as I came downstairs. I looked down at my leather tights, boots and sweater and laughed. He was practically shooing me out the door. He grabbed my coat and helped me into it.

"You know you're pushing me out into the world where a killer is at large?" I pointed out to him as I grabbed my keys.

"You'll be with Jacob. Are you two getting back together or what?"

"No, we're not getting back together." I told him sternly. Charlie nodded, unhappy, but more willing to let things go than other members of the family.

"Okay, have a nice time. Call me when you want to get picked up."

As he pushed the door closed behind me a had a strange and sudden urge to look over my shoulder and say something like, "Thanks, Dad." It came to me so naturally that for a moment I had to stop, the words caught in my throat at the very last second before they spilled out.

The more I tried to untangle myself from this place, the worse I was caught.

#

BBG's was busy. The carpark was full, the music was loud and every time the front door opened laughter and chatter filled the otherwise quiet night.

I sat in my car with the door halfway open, waiting, though I couldn't have said what for. The evening was lovely, cloudless. My breath frosted around my face in the freezing cold air.

Everything seemed perfect, but I was having second thoughts. A nervous knot twisted in my stomach, making me feel sick. Usually when I felt like this I would drown it with alcohol - but tonight I couldn't. Jacob was going to be there and I needed my wits about me and alcohol always took them away.

Just as I was about to pack it in and go to the Cullen's, back to New York, anywhere else three very large, very beautiful men walked past the front of my car.

I froze, not wanting to draw attention to myself but not wanting to go up and say hello. Instead I watched as Quill and Seth jostled Colin as he pulled out his ID, all ready for his first legal drink. I smiled, I couldn't help it. Colin was huge, a man, as tall as Quill. All the youthful softness of his face was gone. He looked like the trouble I knew he would be. We had so much fun together, with Embry and with Seth and Jacob. I hated what I knew he thought of me: traitor. I hated that he must think I hated him - why else would I leave him and never speak to him again. Take away his home, his new family.

I was crying without even realising I was.

Seth and Colin disappeared inside in a flurry of energy that was two young, carefree guys. Quill stayed outside, turning to look at me through the windshield.

Our eyes met. I quickly wiped my cheeks.

Quill was always the calm one of the group. He seemed older, wiser. He was patient where everyone else was not. He was the hardest to hide things from.

I cried harder.

Quill didn't come closer, only shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans and jerked his head, as if to say what are you waiting for?

I wiped the tears that were now furiously leaking from my eyes.

I looked back at him, Don't tell Jacob. I insisted, through one of the wordless conversations we used to have. Quill shrugged, and I knew he would keep my secret. I was glad. Who wanted their ex to know that they were a pathetic, depressed, sad excuse for a human being without them. Certainly not me.

Quill waited for me, but we didn't go in together. As soon as I was out of the car, he walked inside. Leaving me to go in by myself. I was sure he was making a point. You're on your own.

Emily was right. The whole pack was here, and that meant that also every woman and girl from Forks and La Push was also here. I had to smile at that.

I wanted to try to pretend like I didn't know this little get together was on. Like maybe I could just grab a both with Bridgette again and hang out, because I'm a coward. But Emily gave me no choice, she pounced on me as soon as she spotted me and pulled me to the booth where she was sitting with Kim and, I groaned, Rachel.

"What are you doing here?" She said, as I slid onto the bench seat. Emily slid in after me, blocking any kind of quick retreat. If I was leaving, I was going to have to jump onto the table and run. At that point it was looking appealing.

"Hi Rachel, Kim. I'm just visiting Charlie for Christmas."

"Were you planning on serving up that kid for lunch?" She asked coldly.

I looked around for help. There was none.

"Rachel, cool it." Emily scolded her. Rachel didn't flinch. "Leighton is a friend. I wanted to hear how she's been doing."

"She's should never have come back here." Rachel said, not cooling it at all. If looks could kill, I'd have been dead in a second.

Before I could reply she got up and left. I couldn't help but be glad. Rachel and I had never gotten along when Jacob and I were together. As soon as she found out I was friends with the Cullens she hated me. Apparently, things hadn't improved.

After that small hiccough, Emily, Kim and I settled into a comfortable chatter. We were soon joined by Bridgett who let us know straight away that she wasn't here to chat, only to enjoy the eye candy. I had to agree. I'd somehow managed to remain mostly unnoticed, which gave me this insane feeling of being accepted again. That feeling, along with some gentle encouragement from Bridgette, gave me enough confidence to enjoy a couple of beers.

Everything ended when the inevitable happened: I needed to go to the bathroom.

I sighed, excused myself and made my way through the crowd.

On my way back, fishing in my bag for my phone, I accidentally walked into the back of a large, warm, nice smelling guy. Usually this would make me happy, but as Colin turned around and saw me I felt anything but.

At first, I thought he might phase just at the sight of me. He instantly clenched his fists to try to hide the shaking of his shoulders. Sam must have thought so to, because he placed a reassuring hand on Colin's should. He shoved it away with a growl. The he stalked off, right out the front door, leaving the circle of girls he and Seth were chatting to looking dumbfounded.

I turned to Seth, trying not to feel hurt, looking for reassurance myself.

"Why did you have to ruin a good night by coming here, Leighton?" he asked, following Colin out the door.

I tried to school my face into showing no emotion. People were staring.

I needed to be drunk. I was going to have a few shots, call Charlie and have an awkward car ride home where I cried and he pretended that I wasn't.

Bridget was at the bar, already way ahead of me. She reached across and pulled a bottle of tequila and some cut lemons.

"You're my spirit animal." I told her. This time we sat away from the crowd in a more secluded both.

I watched as Colin and Seth re-entered the bar. They didn't even glance my way, seamlessly re-entering the group of girls.

Bridgette did her best to fill my silence with light chatter but my mood was well and truely blown. It only got worse when the front door swung open and Jacob filed in with a cute little blonde. It wasn't that she was pretty, in true southern-belle style (jeans and cowboy boots), with her long blonde hair falling in effortless waves. It wasn't that everything about her was my antithesis. What got me was that they seemed so familiar with each other. I could tell by the way he pulled open the door for her, and she walked under his arm, laughing at something. They didn't touch, not really, but they circled each other. At one stage she grabbed his phone from his back pocket, looked at something, and then slipped it back in.

I wanted to cry. Man, I was so sick of crying. I tried to pretend like I didn't notice them at all, but I couldn't take my eyes off them.

"Who is she?" I asked Bridgette, after I couldn't stand it anymore.

"That is Katie," she said, being purposely vague. She raised an eyebrow, gauging my reaction.

"Oh come on, Bridge." I breathed, desperate for more details. All the details. I wanted to know everything, every moment they'd ever had together. What did Jacob feel about her? Was it more than he felt about me?

"They dated for a while. It was pretty serious. I didn't think they were together anymore..." she trailed off, as if to say but maybe they are.

She was still holding something back, the details that I craved as a punishment for myself. There was always more, in small towns like this there was always more. Why wouldn't she tell me? To protect my feelings? Even though I prodded her, she remained evasive.

We changed the subject but I couldn't stop watching this blonde bombshell as she chatted her way around the bar. Laughing with all the people I loved, who now hated me.

I should have just gone home, but for some reason I couldn't get myself to move.

"Can I speak to you for a moment, Leighton?"

I jumped and Jacob was at our booth. Bridgette looked thoroughly gleeful and I wished she wouldn't. I wanted to say no, I was too drunk and suddenly had a lot of questions that I had no rights to the answers. Instead I followed Jacob to a quieter corner.

"Can you stop staring at Katie, you're freaking her out." He said point blank.

"Who's Katie?" I feigned, embarrassed I was so obvious.

Jacob gave me a look that clearly indicated he was in no mood to play games.

I sighed. "Are you together? I wish you'd told me before last night." I said quietly.

A muscle twitched in Jacob's jaw. "We're not together it's ... complicated."

"As complicated as you and I?" The question was rolling off my tongue before I could stop it.

"You and I aren't complicated Leighton," he said, leaning in closer. I closed my eyes involuntarily, breathing him in. "I want to be with you. Always have. Just say the word and we'll leave together right now."

I opened my eyes. Our gaze locked. His dark eyes simmered with lust. He was serious. I felt myself falling and tried to hold on to my reasons, which felt as flimsy as a piece of tissue.

"No," I whispered, stepping away from the heat of his body.

Jacob's face went cold, "Leave Katie alone."

He put me in my place and it hurt all the more because he was right. Did I want him to be alone and miserable while I waited for him to imprint? Yes - no, no.

He might break some other girls heart when the time came, but that was none of my business as long as it wasn't my heart that was breaking.

As he left me in the corner I tried to convince myself that it was still in one piece.

I made my way back to the table feeling utterly miserable, and knowing it was entirely of my own making.

Bridgette must have known because she suggested she go out the back and make us some comfort food.

"I have some chocolate pudding, I think, and I'll heat us up some fried chicken. Everyone's gone home back there, it'll be quiet."

"Thanks," I managed to croak, as she gave me a look so full of pity it was painful to receive.

I quickly went to the bathroom, I'd broken the seal, and slipped into the kitchen to meet Bridgette.

"I think she just wanted to talk to me," I said, spotting the open door to the cooler room where Bridgette must have been. It was true, on my way back to the bathroom Katie locked eyes with me and started to move in my general direction. I'd practically ran to the kitchen. I didn't think she'd come back here, but I wasn't sure.

My skin prickled and I rubbed my arms to warm them up. It was cold back here without a pack of shape shifters to keep the place heated.

"Bridgette?" I repeated, a little bit louder, as I drank some water from the tap. Something crunched under my feet, sand or spilt salt.

When I went to the cooler to fish her out she was standing in the centre. At first I didn't notice how rigidly she was standing, but I noticed her eyes were wide and frightened.

"Bridge, what's wrong?" I asked, not moving myself. I was suddenly sick with dread, though I couldn't have said if it was because of the horrible look of fear on Bridgette's face or something else I picked up on.

Bridgette didn't answer. I suddenly realised she clearly couldn't speak or move, but her eyes were frantic with panic, rolling back and forth. I could see all the whites around her irises.

There was no one else in the cooler, no places for someone to hide, nothing binding her or gagging her.

"This isn't funny," I said nervously, not wanting to believe something strange was happening.

I took a step towards her, with the intention to shake her out of it, she was clearly having a stroke of some sort.

As soon as I moved Bridgette's breath quickened to huge, heaving gasps, as if she was screaming but couldn't make any noise.

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay." I repeated, although I felt like things weren't okay. I looked back at the empty kitchen. Could I leave her to get help? Did we need help?

I felt that if I could just touch her she would come back up from whatever waking nightmare she was having but the closer I got to her the more frantic she became.

Finally, I reached her, close enough to see her wide eyes filled with unshed tears, her nostrils flaring. When I gave her shoulders a shake her mouth seemed to suddenly come unstuck and she let out a bloodcurdling scream.

I let go of her instantly and watched in horror as a thin red line appeared on the left side of her neck and began to snake it's way around to the right. Blood suddenly sprayed from her throat, covering her and me and continuing to pump dark and rich as she gurgled. She slipped to the ground and I went with her, my hands suddenly at her throat trying in vain to stop the blood.

"Holy shit,"

I turned around, frantic, crying, feeling Bridgette die beneath my hands. Colin and Seth were at the door to the cooler. Somewhere behind them I could hear Sam, keeping people back.

"Help! Get help!" I pleaded at them. Bridgette was too still beneath my hands. I could feel the blood slowing and I tried to believe it was because of the pressure I was applying and not because there wasn't any blood left in her.

"There's no point," said Seth. "She's dead."