"Ok, what's with the moping? Didn't you have a date last night?" Jamie is sitting in the recliner across from me while the TV plays in the background. I'm sprawled out on the couch, lost in my thoughts as usual.
"Yes I went on a date last night. Contrary to popular misconceptions, men aren't the only thing women think about." This, of course, isn't true in the current case. Ever since I woke up this afternoon I can't keep my mind from wandering back to last night and how I freaked out. My nightmare didn't help things, but it has leant me some much needed perspective on what the heck happened out there on that beach.
"My super twin powers tell me that you're lying. What's up? No love connection with the soccer stud?"
I cast a steely glare in his direction before turning onto my side to face the TV.
"Seriously Jess, you're quieter than usual and something feels off. Why aren't you out with Dean right now? Did he do something wrong?"
"No…he didn't do anything. And it's Sunday, he's having dinner with his brother. They meet up every week. I think it's sweet." I twirl my hair around my finger, still moping.
"Well that is a fabulous idea. Come on." Jamie tosses a pillow at my head, missing by a few inches and hitting the couch instead.
"Come on where?" I sit up.
"Let's go grab some food. I know we live together so there's no need to make a thing of it, but when is the last time we hung out, just the two of us?"
"Um, let's see, that would probably be before we came out to California, Mr. Popularity." I joke with him, but that's probably accurate. Jamie never had a problem making friends and opening up to people. I'm more content with a couple of close friends who understand my hermit-like tendencies. The less I open myself up, the less I have to worry about letting the wrong people in.
"Well then, we're way past due. Let's go, I'll tell Kelsey we're borrowing the car. Go drag a brush through that rat's nest on your head. Meet you downstairs!" He strolls down the hall to Kelsey's room and I reluctantly trudge down the opposite hall to my room.
It's not that I don't want to spend time with my brother. I just don't think I'm up for conversation right now. I've got too much to think about, and curling up in some sweats with a pint of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream is the best way for me to deal with the turmoil brewing in my head. Reluctantly, I comb through the tangles and tie my hair up in a high ponytail, spray on some citrusy perfume and swipe some pink gloss on my lips. I don't bother changing my yoga pants and loose t-shirt. I'm not feeling particularly dressy and I doubt Jamie is planning to go anywhere fancy.
Once we decide on a place to eat, we drive in silence until Jamie pulls up to the multicolored entrance of the Akbar Indian Restaurant we've tried once before. Once we're seated at a corner table and our orders are placed, Jamie picks up where he left off.
"I can tell something is bothering you. I'm hoping that buttering you up with dinner will help pry the information out of you."
"It's a start, but I think frozen yogurt for dessert would really help to loosen my lips."
"Jessie, come on. You've been skirting around this all day. If this douche did something to you, I need to know so I can pay someone to kick his ass since, lord knows, I'm not equipped to handle such an undertaking."
I laugh for the first time all day. He really is such a goof, and I know he means well. Maybe talking about it with him would help me to shed some light on this crappy situation I've put myself in.
"I had a nightmare last night."
"Was it clowns? Because I hate those clown dreams, especially that guy Pennywise from It—"
"Jamie! I'm serious. No clowns. I had a nightmare about that night…" I play with my napkin, twisting and untwisting it around my fingers.
"Wait, you mean the carnival? Why would you even be thinking about that? Did that piece of shit try to contact you? Because I know I promised never to say anything to anyone since he dropped off the face of the earth, but I can have Dad—"
"No! Nothing like that. I guess…I mean, I think it's because of Dean." I look up and Jamie's face has completely contorted in anger.
"I'll fucking kill him." He starts backing his chair away from the table.
"I don't mean that he did anything! Jeez Jamie, will you let me get this out?"
"Well stop beating around the damn bush and maybe I won't have to jump to conclusions!" He scoots back in, tears off a piece of flat bread and throws it at me.
"I don't even really know what the deal is. I guess it started when I went on the date with Dean. He's the first guy that I've even considered getting close with since…since Will. We were on the beach and, I don't know, I guess the scene was a little too familiar. It reminded me of that night, but at the same time it was nothing like that night. I was having a good time, I wanted to kiss him, he wasn't even remotely forcing himself on me. Then somehow we ended up in the same position that Will and I were in when he tried to…" Jamie reaches across the table and pats my hand to let me know I don't have to continue the thought. He already knows every detail of that night. When he ran back to the hill to find Will that night only to see that he was long gone, I broke down and told him every detail. Then I made him swear never to speak of it again.
"…and then all of a sudden my entire body reacts like he slapped me. I froze up completely and if it weren't for my phone ringing I think he would've started asking questions.
Then when I fell back to sleep after he dropped off coffee this morning, I have the dream. But it was more like a flashback. Everything played out like I was there again and I woke up in tears. Now I'm nervous to even be in the same room with Dean because what if I have another freak-out? I can't talk about this with him. Not yet."
I swirl my straw in my iced tea and watch as the ice spins around and around. Jamie seems to be pondering my monologue carefully. The waitress brings our food to the table and I pick at it with my fork, all semblance of an appetite lost due to the topic of conversation.
"Look Jess, you've never talked to anyone about that night and I don't think that's healthy. Honestly, if I wasn't there at the end you probably wouldn't have even told me. That piece of garbage was lucky he was gone by the time I found out what he did and then his family up and moved a couple of weeks later, but I still wish you would've pressed charges, or at least told Mom and Dad. You know they'd have taken care of it. Shit, Dad probably would've buried the bastard in his parents' backyard. Regardless, the fact that you don't talk about it means you're burying it inside of you. You're not facing it. So of course it's going to surface every once in a while until you get it all out."
He's right. Of course he's right. Doesn't make it any easier. "Jamie, I don't want to face it. I taught myself how to fight, how to protect myself. I studied every video I could get of Dad from college, I trained at the gym, I could kick that son of a bitch's ass if he showed his face here right now. I don't see why that isn't enough. I'm over it."
"Jessica, you're not over it. Your mind is telling you that you're not over it. It's been six years, and you can't even make out with a guy that you actually like for fear that the way he touches you will send you into a panic attack. Stop kidding yourself."
"So what the hell do I do then? How do I deal with this?" I lean my head back against the booth waiting for some Yoda-like wisdom.
"Trust him. Open up to him. I know you and you wouldn't be so torn up if he wasn't a good guy, you'd just walk away like you always do. The only way that you're going to get past what happened is to be vulnerable enough to let him in so he'll understand everything. I know it doesn't make sense because all you ever want to do is fight, but for once you're going to have to stop fighting unless you want to push him away like you do everyone else." Jamie tilts his head to the side and gives me a look that is so like our mother I almost smile.
"I don't push everyone away. Just the people I don't like." I dig in to my chicken as a distraction.
"Then, sweetie, you must hate the world." He shakes his head and scoops up some rice.
"Precisely. I'm selective about the people I want to hang out with. You're lucky we're twins, you automatically make the cut." I give him the wide, cheesy grin that I always use when I tease him about something.
"Since we've moved on to the avoidance portion of our program, I'm assuming you don't want to talk about this anymore. Just don't forget that I'm right down the hall if you need me. I'm the only person you can talk to about this right now, so I want you to come to me if you feel like this again."
"I know Jamie. And I will. It did help talking to you about this, just so you know. Maybe someday I'll be ready to talk to Dean about it too. Just, not yet."
"Talk to me about what?"
I had been looking down at my plate, picking at what's left of my food, otherwise I would've seen Dean over Jamie's shoulder. Since I didn't, the look on my face is nothing short of comical, what with my mouth bobbing open and closed like a fish, my eyes wide looking from Jamie to Dean and back again.
"About how she talks in her sleep. It's a real issue but since you two just started dating, that shouldn't be a problem for a while, right Dean?" Jamie saves the day again, even though I'd love to smack him for that last bit.
"I've actually had a little bit of experience with Jessie's sleep talking. In a totally platonic way," Dean laughed and raises both hands and backs up a step when Jamie eyes him suspiciously. "She was rambling on about something this morning when I dropped off the coffee."
"Hi, still sitting here," I say now that the shock of seeing him has worn off and the topic of conversation has been safely diverted.
It's now that I notice Dean isn't alone. There's another guy with him, about the same height but much bulkier in stature. Not that Dean isn't muscular, but this person looks like he's got at least forty pounds on him. I look up at the crooked smile and blue-gray eyes and deduce that this has to be his younger brother.
"You must be Danny?" I ask holding out my hand.
"Yeah, and you've got to be the girl my brother has been going on and on about this past week." He shakes my hand and his smile widens. Different nose and face shape, and his hair is buzzed short while Dean's is long on the top, but when he smiles there is no mistaking them for anything but brothers.
"I can only imagine…" I cringe, hoping he didn't mention the fact that I thought his brother was his boyfriend. But Dean is just staring at me with a smile on his face, seemingly not even paying attention to our exchange.
"So were you stalking me or did you guys just decide you needed some Tandoori chicken as badly as we did?" Dean asks with his eyebrow raised.
"We were inspired by your brotherly tradition. I don't spend nearly enough time with my sister and we had a lot to talk about," Jamie says pointedly to Dean. I appreciate the protective brother routine, but it's really not necessary with Dean. They've already met and got along perfectly fine the other night at the bar. Then again, that was before we went out on a date.
"I bet. Sorry, I'm a little thrown off still, I wasn't expecting to see you both tonight. Danny this is Jamie, Jessie's twin brother. This is my younger brother Danny. He plays football for USC."
"Nice to meet you," Jamie says to Danny with a nod. "We were just about to hit Menchie's for some froyo before heading back to the apartment. You guys wanna tag along?"
Damn it, Jamie! I silently swear. I glance down at what I'm wearing. Now I wish I had decided to change. My baggy t-shirt is hanging off one shoulder and my yoga pants are one of my favorite pairs which have been around for a few years, making them slightly tighter than appropriate. All I can do is plead in my head for them to say no.
"Sure! Sounds great!"
Thanks Dean. Thanks so very much.
"Wait, so have you been to the new Comcast building in Philly yet? The structure is amazing." Jamie and Danny discovered something in common. Apparently Danny, while being at USC on a football scholarship, is also an architecture major like Jamie. Needless to say, the conversation has been quite one sided between the four of us since this little discovery was made.
I look across the table at Dean as I scoop up the last of my frozen yogurt and notice that he's staring at me fairly intently.
"What?" I ask quietly so as not to disturb the fascinating conversation next to us about steel frames and non-reflective glass. "Do I have yogurt on my nose or something?"
He just raises one corner of his mouth in a half smile and looks down at his hands for a moment before announcing, "Hey Danny, it's getting kinda late. I'll catch you next Sunday alright? Your pick for the restaurant."
I'm internally very disappointed. While we weren't really talking, I was enjoying just being around him. And now he's leaving.
Both men stand and embrace in a quick one armed hug with audible back-slapping. So male.
"Love you man."
"Love you too bro, later." Danny sits back down to continue his conversation with Jamie. I look up at Dean through my lashes, unaware of how he'll expect us to part. A simply goodbye, a hug, a kiss?
"Come on," he holds his hand out to me.
"Huh?" I'm confused.
"Guys I'm gonna take Jessie home since it's on the way, and you obviously have much to talk about in the fascinating world of design structure."
"Cool, thanks Dean, I appreciate it." Jamie stands and quickly shakes his hand before dragging me up for a hug. While I'm floundering for speech at this point Jamie whispers in my ear.
"Tug your shirt down further on the left shoulder and fluff up your hair. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
I pull back and look at him like a deer in headlights.
"Bye sis, see you back at home!" He gives me a light shove in Dean's direction.
"Um, yeah, bye…" I mutter and toss a brief wave in Danny's direction as I turn and walk out of the shop with Dean's hand pressed against my lower back. Now what?
As Dean briefly breaks contact to open his car door for me, I look up at his profile and see he's no longer got the amused smile on his face from a minute ago. Instead he looks like a man on a mission. It both confuses and excites me.
I slide into my seat and while Dean is busy closing the door and rounding the hood to his side, I do as Jamie said and begin tugging and fluffing until everything is in its proper place.
We drive in silence, I look over at Dean from the corner of my eye but he seems lost in thought. I leave him to it and just sit back, enjoying the view. The lack of light makes his eyes look shades deeper. He's got his hair smoothed back and slightly to the side which is a great look on him. There's a muscle in his jaw that twitches every minute or two. I want to reach over and sooth his obvious tension, but I don't. I wonder what he's thinking about.
He pulls into a parking space and I tear my eyes away from him for the first time since we started driving. I turn to open my door before I realize we're not at my apartment.
"Um, did you get lost?" I ask half joking.
"Nope, I'm exactly where I want to be," he says as he turns off the ignition and exits the car, making his way over to my door and pulling it open. I sit, staring at my surroundings for a moment, before I take his outstretched hand and pull myself to my feet. I look around and realize we're at a park a few blocks away from campus. I relax, but only marginally, because I still have no idea what we're doing here.
"I wanted to go for a walk, I figured I might as well have a beautiful companion," he says smoothly, holding out his hand for mine.
"Okay," I say slowly, taking his warm hand in mine, "a walk then."
Author's Note: So what do you guys think? What does Dean have up his sleeve? Guess you'll have to come back next week and see! :-) If the faithful haven't yet figured it out, I'm trying to post at least once a week-mainly on Thursdays. If it's a short chapter, sometimes I'm really nice and I'll toss you a bonus chapter. So for all of you reviewing and asking me to keep going and not forget about you, trust me, I've got plenty more stockpiled and I'm writing more every week! Special shout out to my new friend in Greece for the awesome review :)