First of all thank you all for still taking the time to read my story. I really appreciate all of you for reading and commenting about the story. Thank you for the well wishes about my husband too.
I hope you enjoy this chapter!
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~~~ "I'm Never Alone, I'm Alone All the Time" ~~~
* Chapter Forty-Five*
"Look I'm sure you probably have a few choice words to say to me right now. Maybe you need to get it out before you even want to hear the rest of what I want to say. I don't know.." Nathan started but ended up trailing off towards the end as he started to lose his nerve.
After a few seconds of silence, Chris finally replied, "You're right man. I was pretty pissed at you for a while after what went down between you and Hales. What it did to her and how she was afterwards….for months. You had it easy!"
"You think it was easy?"
"You did the dumping remember? You walked away from her for a fucked up reason and just gave up." Chris confessed slightly surprised at how fast he'd gotten himself worked up. He had truly thought the passing of time had made him calmer about the whole topic but this had caught him utterly by surprise.
"Keller I know ok! I know how royally I screwed things up with her. That's what I do. I seem to mess up a lot but it's never been like this before. I've always just hurt myself but not this time. I hurt Haley deeply and I am so sorry." Nathan admitted as he paced back and forth in his gym.
"What it did to her Nate…you have no clue what it was really like while we were on tour. Keller should kick your ass for what you did however you seem to have a slight height advantage over me….so"
Nathan interrupted Chris and said, "I deserve that and more I know. That's what I'm trying to fix. I need your help Chris! Please help me…for Haley!"
Chris thought for a moment and let the images of Haley's journey through heart ache play through his mind. The painful struggle it was for her to keep going forward in spite of it all and the times he'd heard her cry when she thought no one knew. The countless nights she tried to numb the pain with alcohol only to end up in more despair than when she'd started. The last image that settled into his mind was of her eyes from just the other day. Dark eyes sunken in on her thin frame showed hurt and sadness that he knew to his core no matter what he did, he couldn't fix it for her. No matter how hard he tried to cheer her up or take her mind off it. Nothing he would do would work because Chris Keller wasn't the answer.
"What can I do to help?" Chris finally asked Nathan.
Nathan let the worried look on his face slowly turn to a hopeful grin.
"Thanks man. I screwed up and I'm gonna make it right. Well, I'm going to try to at least." Nathan added pausing to take a drink of Powerade before he continued, "I talked to Hales yesterday and she said she sold her house."
"Yeah, she's renting until she figures out what's next." Chris answered feeling a bit puzzled as to what Nathan was getting at.
Nathan was about to respond when Chris spoke once again, "You're not thinking of pulling some Prince Charming shit are you?"
Haley stepped out of her closet after selecting a t-shirt to pair with her jeans. She gave herself a once over in the mirror before she moved on to her hair. She quickly wrapped her long air up into a messy bun on top of her head before finishing up with some make up. She was pleased the dark circles under her eyes had finally started to fade a bit. Moments later she headed downstairs to the kitchen. Sure she had the ability to make a tea or coffee at her own home but felt the need to get out of the house. It was important to her that she didn't shut herself away and she knew she needed to get out. She didn't want to appear a victim and wanted to appear strong to the public. Even if secretly she was still working on it herself. Haley grabbed her car keys and purse and headed to the garage. As the garage door opened she was greeted with perfect California sunshine.
She drove to the nearest pressed juice bar she'd been anxious to try out since she moved into the neighborhood. Haley pulled into the parking lot and was walking into the store with a sense of accomplishment. Each time she drove herself she still got an anxious feeling in her stomach and felt a little victory every time she'd pushed herself past it. She placed her order and within a few minutes she was sipping on a heavenly combination of nature's candy in the form of juice. Across the parking lot she saw a group of photographers in a cluster and was silently thanking her lucky stars they hadn't noticed her when she walked in. She didn't like being caught off guard. She exited the shop and made her way towards her car just as one of the paparazzi caught sight of her. They quickly approached her however she did notice the former aggressive nature they'd taken with her had softened considerably no doubt a result of her accident.
"Hey guys" Haley found herself saying out of nowhere.
"How are you doing?" One asked.
"Looking good Haley." Added another.
The snap of the shutters could still be hard over their voices.
"I'm good thanks." Haley replied kindly.
"How are you doing since the band break up?"
Haley slowed herself and debated if she should even reply to their last question. She opened her car door and decided to offer an answer.
"The guys and I are doing great. It was the right time to close that chapter and move on. Trust me there are no hard feelings between the Pistols. We're good!" She answered with a genuine smile.
"And what about Peyton?" another pap questioned.
"We no longer have a professional or a personal relationship for good reason. Sorry guys I gotta go." She answered and then closed her car door. Haley surprised herself with how she handled the questions and the overall encounter. Feeling even more confident, she made a few more stops before she headed back home again.
Haley busied herself putting things away upon her return that she'd barely noticed the doorbell. She'd gotten a text from Chris earlier asking if he could stop by for lunch and she'd lost track of time. She dried her wet hands on a nearby towel and headed towards the front door. She pulled it open after failing to pause to peek outside beforehand. The moment she pulled the door fully open a gasp escaped her lips.
"Hi Hales."
"You're not Chris." She managed to say once she found her voice. She stared at the man in front of her in disbelief. Was this real? The sight of him before her left her in absolute shock.
The corners of his mouth turned up slightly no doubt trying his best to hide beneath the surface just how terrified he truly was. One thing was certain for him, the moment the door opened and she revealed herself from behind the door. He was certain she could hear his knees knocking. Sure the sight of his love instantly took his breath away but it also did something he hadn't expected or anticipated. He finally felt like he could really breathe again.
After the former couple remained silent a few moments, he finally managed to find his words once more.
"I'm definitely not Chris Keller if you hadn't noticed by now." He said with a slight chuckle hoping to lighten the mood a bit.
Instantly feeling self-conscious of her appearance and her surroundings, Haley was now full of questions.
"What are you doing here Nathan? Uhhh how did you find out where I'm staying?" Haley asked trying desperately to keep up with her racing thoughts which were going a million miles per hour.
Nathan cocked his head to the right and slightly raised one eyebrow.
"Really?" He questioned skeptically.
Haley racked her mind quickly and then a smile fell across her face.
"Keller!" She declared out loud realizing just why Chris had insisted she meet him at her house and that it was gravely important.
"Guilty as charged. Don't yell at him though please. I can be rather annoyingly convincing when I need to be." He replied.
Haley crossed her arms across her chest and said, "Jury is still out on his sentence for now. Nathan, what are you doing here?"
Nathan took a deep breath and then answered, "I had to see you." He shifted his weight slightly where he stood outside her front door. He moved the hand he'd had tucked behind his back and pulled it forward revealing a small bunch of purple flowers causing Haley to gasp again in surprise.
"I brought these for you. You always loved to look at them when we would sit on my backyard patio and I just thought…" He said as he extended the bundle in front of himself and held them steady waiting for her to accept the gesture.
Haley felt a flutter in her stomach the moment he displayed the most perfect purple flowers from behind his back. She wasn't surprised he remembered she loved those flowers so much. He'd gone as far as leaving a small bunch besides the bed on mornings he'd gotten up early for practice or to travel. He was always great about noticing the little ways to show he cared for her. Haley finally took a step out of the safety of her home and took the bunch from him. Their fingers grazed each other's just barely but it was in that exact moment the energy between them was confirmed to be still there.
"Thank you." She said sweetly as she brought the flowers to her nose. Her eyes closed briefly as she inhaled the floral scent through her nostrils. She spoke again after she'd exhaled and opened her eyes to see Nathan's intense look set in his eyes which were fixed on her.
"Do you want to come in?" Haley finally asked gesturing towards the inside of her house. Feeling relieved Nathan agreed quickly. He lingered in the entry way as Haley closed the door behind them.
"This is really nice." He said hoping it didn't come off as awkward as it sounded in it his head. He glanced around his immediate surroundings and noticed this was indeed a rental home. He saw it definitely lacked all the personal touches he'd seen in her previous home.
Haley watched Nathan as he glanced around and noted he looked a little nervous. Secretly she was relieved that she wasn't the only one who felt that way. She took the opportunity to take in his appearance more as she instinctually looked for any changes.
"It's weird to stay in one place again but it's going ok. It works until I figure out what's next." Haley remarked.
He nodded to show he understood what she was saying and then added, "Oh but that's the million dollar question isn't it? What's next right?"
"So it seems…do you want something to drink?" She asked Nathan as she headed past him towards the kitchen. The sound of his feet behind her told her he figured out to follow. He watched her backside as she opened up the cupboard and rose on her toes to reach the top shelf. There was no denying he'd always appreciated the view. The hem of her t-shirt snuck up and her porcelain skin peeked out as she struggled to reach a small vase. Nathan felt his breathing slow as he got control over his emotions again now that her skin was covered once more. Haley placed the flowers he'd given her into the water filled vase. Once she was content with the arrangement she placed the vase in the center of the counter. Haley glanced at Nathan finally and couldn't help but notice he was still staring at her.
"A drink Nathan?" She asked again as she stepped over to the refrigerator.
"Uhh yeah sure whatever you're having is fine." Nathan answered. He took a deep breath and knew he needed to get control of himself before things got off course from what his true intentions had been before he came over. Moments later, Haley filled two glasses of lemonade and suggested they head out back.
Soon they were both seated on comfortable lawn chairs covered with fancy pillows. The sun had just snuck behind a tree making the sitting area at least 10 degrees cooler than before. They both sipped on the fresh lemonade Haley had prepared in silence. She brought up one of her legs and tucked it underneath herself. Nathan watched closely every move she made and failed to make an effort to hide it. So much about her appearance had changed and yet remained exactly the same.
"So what's up Nathan?" Haley finally asked after the silence between them got to be too much to bear. Nathan sat forward and placed the glass he'd been clenching on the table in front of him.
"I'm sure me just showing up out of nowhere doesn't make much sense. It's just after we spoke on the phone I just had to see you. I can't explain it and I'm sure I sound crazy but I had to. It wasn't enough to hear your voice anymore, I needed to see you with my own eyes. I don't know….this probably doesn't make any sense or I'm doing this the wrong way. I've never been great with words. I can't explain it and I'm sure I sound crazy." Nathan said finally hoping he didn't sound as crazy as the thoughts did swirling around in his head. He paused for a moment as he regained his will knowing if he didn't continue he might never say what he really needed to say.
"I really missed you Hales and I can't bear the thought of never seeing you again or having you in my life. I went months trying to not think of you or protect myself from any news about you. I tried to keep pictures of you away thinking it would make it better. I tried to convince myself it was working and that I was going to be ok again. That the ache in my heart would get better if I just stayed busy. But no matter how hard I trained or isolated myself from anything that would remind me of you. The feeling in my heart just stayed and I wanted you to know that I never wanted to hurt you."
Haley sat and stared at him as he spoke. She could hear the words and saw his mouth moving but it still all felt surreal. Was this really happening after all the time that had passed between them?
"Nathan, this is what you wanted remember? You broke up with me and literally pushed me away, all the way right out of your life all together. I wasn't good enough to or had too much baggage to deal with for you. Maybe you were tired of it and didn't want to deal with it anymore…whatever it was. You decided you didn't want to be with me anymore." Haley finally said and tried her best to keep tears from forming in her eyes. She did not want to fall apart again.
"It wasn't like that at all. I always wanted you Hales."
The look in Haley's eyes shifted and she shot back, "You certainly have a funny way of showing it Nathan! You bailed on us….on me when I needed you the most. Do you know what that was like?"
Nathan looked down and hung his head in shame. He was not proud of how he had treated her and the way things ended between them. He studied his shoes for a moment and then slowly raised them once he'd gained enough courage to do so. His eyes instantly met hers once more.
He spoke again this time his voice shook a little as he spoke, "Everything I did was for you. I wanted to help you and protect you from having to make that decision Hales. I only further complicated the problem with your label and I just thought…I thought I was helping you and doing what was right for you. It was supposed to make everything better for you. Peyton was supposed to get off your back and things would settle down. That's what was supposed to happen. I never wanted to be the reason you lost your dream. I just couldn't live with myself."
Haley shifted again in her seat as she continued to feel uncomfortable with what she'd heard.
"Well it didn't work out so well. Nothing was better after that." Haley confessed.
He nodded in agreement and replied, "I know that from what I can see and from the lengthy tongue lashing Chris gave me this morning. I never wanted to hurt you Haley. Please believe me."
Haley felt a small grin creep on her face as she instantly pictured Chris laying into Nathan about how the remainder of the tour had gone for her after they broke up. Chris had told Nathan about her sleepless nights, lack of emotions, drinking and her poor eating habits. Nathan could easily see for himself she had lost weight from when he'd seen her last. Her hair was longer than he remembered but it didn't have the same silky appearance he'd been used to seeing.
"I needed to see you to apologize to you face to face for it all. I pushed you away and tried to protect myself from getting hurt. I know it's fucked up and probably doesn't make any sense to you. It's just what I do. I thought if I got out that it would hurt less but I was wrong Hales. It hurt like hell and I made a mistake. I'm truly sorry that I ever hurt you and caused you so much pain." He concluded and finally let himself take another breath. He wasn't sure what else he could say to her in the moment. He went to her home that morning expecting nothing to change. He just knew deep in his soul that he owed it to her to finally be honest to her. He wouldn't be able to move on without coming clean to her. The former lovers looked at one another for a few moments and no one spoke a word. Not one single word. She held his gaze and let his words sink in and allowed her heart to feel them as well.
"Look, I don't expect you to forgive me but I just needed to tell you the truth to hopefully give us closure with all of this. Maybe this is stupid and won't help but I owe you at least this. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through." He added all of the sudden a feeling on self-consciousness swept over him.
Haley couldn't speak even if she wanted to in that moment. Her mind was spinning and she felt like she couldn't keep up or make any sense of what was going around in her heard. She felt his eyes on her and knew he wanted more from her. He wanted something…anything but here she sat in silence.
After another minute or so, she finally spoke, "Nathan…I don't…" but then found herself trailing off again. She heard him let out a breath he'd been holding and offered a slow nod.
"I understand now….. Please take care of yourself and your incredible talent. Thanks for letting me in and hearing me out. I'll just see myself out. See you around Haley James." Nathan solemnly said and then rose from where he'd been seated. His body craved hers but knew it wouldn't be possibly any longer. He passed by her and proceeded back into the house through the patio door. He kept his eyes on the door and getting out of there as fast as he could. He felt naïve and somewhat foolish for even letting himself think anything he would say would make a difference after all the time that had passed.
Haley's body finally flinched when she heard the patio door click shut after Nathan had walked back into the house and away from her. Her mind continued to race as she played her words back again in her mind. Panic had officially set in as she realized he had walked out of her life once more but this time it was different. This time it would be for good.
Nathan let the front door close behind him as he now made his way down the driveway to where he'd previously parked his sports car.
"Nathan!" Haley called out once she'd raced back into the house only to see the front door latch shut. She ran through the kitchen and entry way and quickly yanked open the heavy front door.
"Nathan, wait!" She called after him just as she saw him place his sunglasses on and open his car door. He looked up slightly confused thinking his mind was playing tricks on him until he heard her call his name louder this time. Haley rushed down the walk way and onto the driveway right over to the driver's side of his car. He stood before her and pulled off his glasses once more to make sure what he saw was real. He tossed them onto his car seat as he held the door open.
"Nathan you left so fast that I didn't get a chance to finish what I was trying to say before." Haley finally managed to say sounding slightly out of breath.
"It's ok Hales… really I understand completely."
She shook her head and urgently interjected once more, "No you don't Nathan. I don't want you to walk away like this."
"I'm trying to finally do the right there here and fix this for you. I don't want to hurt you anymore or break your spirit anymore than I already did. I'm not proud of what happened and want you to be happy again. Even if it's not with me or even if I'm not in your life anymore." Nathan confessed surprising himself how easy the words came to him this time. He was more forceful and insistent this time around.
"Please just stop and listen Nathan!" Haley tried to get out so she could be heard over Nathan but he didn't seem to slow his rant any.
He shook his head and continued, "Hales, I love you enough to really let you go this time if it's what is going to make you the happiest."
Haley felt her heart skip a beat. "What did you just say?" She asked.
She had successfully rattled him enough forcing him to lose his train of thought and he replied, "Huh?"
"What did you say?" Haley questioned once more.
Nathan's brow wrinkled slightly before he answered, "I'll let you go Hales. I mean it…"
Somehow she'd found she'd taken a step closer to him in the midst of his rant. He hadn't noticed her closeness until that very moment. His chest was visibly heaving as he stood before her with each breath he took in. He stared closely at Haley desperately looking for an answer.
"I don't want that Nathan. I don't want any of that. I have only wanted you. Always and forever Nathan. I don't want you to let me go. I am still so in love with you and I don't see that going away." Haley finally said as she held the gaze of his baby blues as she spoke. She watched closely for any reaction from her confession.
Nathan shoved his car door closed and took a step towards her. Could this be true? His hands reached for her beautiful face and he tenderly brought her lips to his. He cradled Haley's face with care as their kiss deepened between them. Haley felt herself letting go and kissing Nathan with every emotion she possessed. Words hadn't been invented yet to describe the love they shared for one another. This was evident now more than ever. Haley's hands rested on his torso as she pulled his body closer to hers securing their kiss further. After several minutes had passed, somehow they managed to part their lips and settled for resting their foreheads against one another. Nathan noticed Haley hadn't opened her eyes yet.
"Hales? You ok?" He softly asked as he stroked her cheek with his thumb.
A smile fell across her mouth and then she answered, "I am more than ok if this is real. I don't want to open my eyes only to have this all be a dream."
"Open your eyes." He instructed and nearly instantly he was met with her brown orbs gazing back at him.
"I'm right here and I'm never going anywhere again. I love you Haley James!" Nathan declared before closing the gap between them and kissing her once more.
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Also I'm looking for ideas or suggestions for names for Baby Roe who will be making an appearance soon.
Ideas for Boy and Girl names please :)
Thanks again.