Chapter XXX
Poison...
Pure poison.
That what he is to me. He has infected me with his charm, his looks. His poison is setting in and is gradually killing me. I don't even know it.
How can one person be so attracted to someone that's so bad for them?
The worst part?
They cant even see it until after it has already taken its toll and has put giant dent in their heart. A dent so big, it prevents them from trusting any other being.
The simple things he did is what I loved most about him. The one thing I loved most of all, his smile. God how I loved his smile, it was even better when I am the one that caused it, when i'm the one that put it there because for a slight moment, his smile became something else. For a split moment he looked at me with approval and for that slight moment I hope he is happy to be with me.
I loved him...
For the 9 months that god put him in my life was the happiest moments of my life. The poison had set in and the after effects of it hit me harder than anything I've ever felt but for some stupid reason I wouldn't change it for the world and for some stupid reason I would go back in a heart-beat to experience the thrills all over again. I would go back to enjoy the days we would spend staring up at the Christmas lights in my room and laugh about the stupid things he would say and the even stupider things he would do. I would go back to the days where we would drive the 2 hours out of town to spend the days by the different, hidden lakes within nature, sleeping in the car under the endless stars and forget the world as we watched netflix on the phone till it died and we had nothing better to do but write stupid catchy songs. I would go back to day he kissed me after we successfully wrote our first song. He kissed me like he had never kissed me before. I would go back just to get that butterfly feeling I got when he looked me in the eyes and passionately kissed me for longer than a couple seconds. The first time he kissed me like that was also the last.
It's not fair...
It isn't fair that no matter what I do, no matter where I go, I always end up thinking of him when I'm suppose to forget. When my mind is trying to forget my heart doesn't let me. I drags the memories out from the darkest depths of my mind just to catch a glimpse of what I will never have again. It hurts. It hurts to cry because I know its over him. It hurts to move on because I know my future wont have him in it.
It's over now...
He is gone and he isn't coming back this time, he wont come back to me and tell me he misses me and he wont come back to sweep me off my feet like I hope for. He is going on about his life as I sit here and waste my tears in attempt to rid the memory of which he has burned in my heart. Not all the comfort in the world could console the aching feeling I feel in my heart every time I hear that song. The song that I play on repeat sometimes and get lost in the thoughts of what it would be like if he was here until the pain subsides or I cry myself to sleep.
I want to try and bring myself to finish our little story but it has become impossible to get even a paragraph in without having to stop and collect myself.
For now I leave our readers with my deepest feelings and thoughts on how i feel about you in hopes that will do for now. From here on out our chapters will consist of pure thoughts, thoughts on how I feel in hopes that someone who is also hurting will find this and feel warmth to know that she/he is not alone. I to have experienced the deepest depression that my life has had to offer so far.
Forgive me