He just wanted to sleep… to slip down into the comfortable darkness and escape the pain for a little while… despite the medication, physical pain still dug at his mind with every movement… every breath… a constant hum of agony in the back of his swirling thoughts.
Those thoughts brought their own pain… an almost unendurable grief and … the guilt that tore a hole right though his soul… Mozzie thought he was helping when he lifted the files… he didn't thinks about them including the autopsy reports on Neal's friends… he couldn't help reading it… he knew he shouldn't… he knew how they died… he was there…he saw it and unfortunately those memories were as clear as ever… but he read it any way… and what he found there… every time he closed his eyes he saw Donny lying there on the forest floor… slowly dying… as long as three hours to die the report said… may have been conscious for the first hour it said…Paralyzed… because he turned his head to the side… the picture of Donny turning to look at him, eyes pleading for his help haunted him… and he just ran away… left his friend to die alone…
"You could have saved him… should have saved him…" his conscience repeated over and over taunting and battering his mind, you should have never brought him into it. He didn't deserve to die like that… alone and scared… and for what because you wanted to know about James…the urge to swear rose in his throat hot and bitter… even worse was the knowledge that thirteen years later he made the same mistakes. You never learn… his heart accused. Well he wouldn't do it again… Neal sent Mozzie away without telling him what he read… told him it was better if he went home… the thought of his little friend caught in his wake… he stomach churned at that thought… he couldn't… didn't save his friends fifteen years ago… but he absolutely would not let another friend get hurt… not again…he would die first.
Which meant it was time for Peter to go home… Elizabeth and his son needed him… "his son that he named after me" A tiny hint of a smile floated across Neal's face at that memory… it was better for everyone if Peter went back to New York… it was selfish to ask him to stay here…
He needed to get Diana and Jones reassigned as well… get them as far away as possible before this thing blew up…no one else was going to die… be hurt… or lose their job because of him…
Then there was Thomas Reynolds and sweet little Emily…he had to keep them safe… Emily was three years old… if anything happened to her…he couldn't live with that… and she needed her daddy…he was a good man…the kind of man Neal wished his dad had been…and he was all she had…
He had to find a way to protect all of them but… how… it was hopeless. He brought all of these good people into this mess and now…you destroy everything good you touch… you destroy everything good you touch…it echoed through his mind over and over… rationally telling himself that Keller had been trying to mess with his head didn't help, because it was still true…how many people were dead because of him… how many lives destroyed… for one worthless thief…
He barely noticed the tears when they came… slipping passed his clenched eyelashes… and running unchecked down his cheeks… he made a half-hearted swipe at them…but he was powerless to stop them…
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Thomas hurried into the familiar room for a security check… to reassure himself the young man was alright. It was the first time, he had found the man alone…Neal was curled on his side… at first glance he appeared to be asleep…but closer inspection revealed fingers twined tightly into the sheet and eyes pinched too firmly closed… a stab of worry shot through Reynolds… the memory of Nolen's tense body to fresh to be ignored.
"Are you ok…?" a nod… but he didn't open his eyes "are you sure?" it was then Reynolds noticed the tears…seeping from those clenched eyes… sliding silently down his pale cheeks… The poor guy didn't even try to brush them away. "Is something hurting? Do you need the nurse?" he shook his head softly… Startlingly blue eyes slid open and Thomas was shocked by the raw grief… and guilt he saw in that gaze…
"I'm fine" Caffrey reassured him… schooling his features to hide the pain that had the audacity to be seen. "Please don't worry" Thomas suddenly felt like he was intruding…and yet how could he walk away from such obvious sorrow and not say… not do something. At a loss for words he reached a self-conscious hand a brushed the tears from the young man's cheeks with a nervous smile… he didn't know what reaction to expect.
"Thanks…" the weak smile wobbled slightly…but it touched his eyes taking away the edge of the anguish there. Reynold shuddered inwardly at the gratitude for such an insignificant gesture… he owed so much to this man… more than he could ever repay… and had until this moment given him nothing but pain and loss…how could he take any thanks for such a tiny thing…he brushed at another wayward tear… still no words came to mind… he gently squeezed the frail shoulder…hoping the touch wouldn't cause more suffering. "You should…go..."he was getting control back now, Thomas saw… covering his pain… "to keep Emily… safe… you should stay… away from me…"
"Afraid I can't do that. It's my job to make sure you stay safe until you testify, remember?" Caffrey sighed… but nodded…
He stayed there, unable to walk away, until the slim frame relaxed…and the eyes closed lightly as Neal gave into exhaustion. Still he stayed, watching the man sleep…until someone cleared their throat behind him… he startled, hand twitching toward his gun… thinking of Clarence Walker cleaning house.
Peter stood in the doorway, coffee in his hand…an odd expression on his face.
"He was…" Reynolds stammered… "He was upset… I was… I wasn't going to hurt him, he just seemed so…"
"So much like a lost child?" Peter supplied a small smile tugging at his lips
"Yeah," Reynolds sighed… "I understand now, how you let him get under your skin… you can't just walk away… has he always been so…broken…?"
Peter shrugged "he always was… different from the others I chased…" he chuckled softly "sent me a birthday card… every year…it wasn't malicious… as strange as it sounds, I always got the feeling he honestly wanted me to have a good day. Like he wanted… needed a friend." Thomas nodded… he sought something to say.
"He was crying…"he looked at Peter trying to gauge his response "just laying here alone and crying...I didn't mean to upset him"
The other agent sighed… "That's not like him…" Peter shook his head "he has dreams though… He won't talk about them but…"another shrug followed that. Reynolds shuddered softly …he could imagine… He changed the subject…his conscience couldn't handle knowing what Caffrey's nightmares probably included.
"I came by to check his security… Nolen collapsed during interrogation… Walker is tying up loose ends…I'm doubling the guard on the room… two outside and two in here at all times."
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He didn't have time for this… he just wanted to get confirmation of Kyle Nolen's death… it shouldn't take that long really… it had taken four hours to get security arrangements made for the living… before he got here… now they had him waiting… to speak with the doctor… Thomas squirmed in his seat… there were so many things he needed to be doing… questioning Flannery and Martinez… checking on Emily… finding Clarence Walker and his personal favorite since they issued the warrant, fielding hostile calls from every law enforcement agency in Washington demanding to know if he had lost his d*** mind. He looked up when the door creaked… Reynolds eyed Dr. Cole as she stepped out to meet him. Her hand shake was firm… confident.
"Agent Reynolds, I understand Kyle Nolen was in your custody when he collapsed?"
"He was… I was questioning him… and his face and hands started twitching…it went downhill from there. Next thing I knew, he was seizing on the floor…" Reynolds shook his head, "what was it… some sort of stroke…?"
"Actually it was a peculiar variety of neurotoxin."
"I was afraid you were going to say that." It confirmed the man's final words.
"Yes and a nasty one at that…" she shook her head gravely "we administered the anti-toxin… and he is stabilizing…"
Reynolds wasn't expecting that, the image of the lifeless body on his interrogation room floor imposed itself on his mind "he's alive?"
"Yes, for what it's worth," she studied the agent a moment "he's in a coma… I don't know if he will regain consciousness… but his vitals are stable…for the moment, though the respiratory arrest is persistent"
"Thank you" he nodded
"I'll let you know if his status changes but… given his level of responsiveness…there is a good chance this is a permanent condition."
"Do you know what exactly the poison was?"
"Anatoxin-a…"Her look was grave "it is an extremely deadly toxin… normally killing within minutes of ingestion…"Thomas added, have the coffee analyzed to the list of things he needed to do today… he hoped someone thought to save the cup "symptoms include convulsions followed by complete paralysis…"Dr. Cole continued "death follows quickly due to respiratory failure… In Nolen's case because his breathing was supported quickly when it failed…"
"Understood." He nodded "thanks" he turned abruptly and walked to the elevator…his phone already ringing before the doors closed.
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He walked down the long green hallway as if he belonged there… blue nurse's scrubs weren't exactly flattering but they did blend in. His ID badge was perfect. He showed it to the two young FBI agents at the door…the young woman with a crisp blonde ponytail smiled at him, the man beside her studied the card closely before waving him through… he was glad, actually he got passed them with harming them… he had nothing against the Bureau, they did good work… for what they did. No, he had nothing against them… but that little punk inside the room… He had been kind… allowing the worthless kid to live as long as he kept his mouth shut… Walker had been sure he would have to kill him when he was caught 8 years ago…with the evidence he had, he could have bought his freedom easily… but the little jerk was smart. Now after 15 years he was talking and he was not backing down… he had some nerve, Walker had to admit… most criminals… or agents for that matter would have clammed up after the injuries he had survived…maybe he should have offered the boy a job at the beginning… would have been easier to keep an eye on him… and who knows he might have been a valuable asset…
Finishing him off wasn't that difficult of a proposition…he could have used the same stuff he used on Kyle but… Why draw unnecessary attention… the crook was on so many drugs… how anyone could keep them straight was beyond Clarence… all it would take was an extra dose or two of a couple of them … Walker chose a sedative… and the strongest of the list of painkillers…no problem… slip it into the IV and walk away… the punk would go to sleep and simply slip away… chances were, given what the older man had read about his condition… no one would even investigate… they would just assume his heart had given out… and if they did check it out well… the nursing staff were just as likely to take the blame as anyone.
The probies inside the room surprised him… he hadn't expected them…but he smiled like he had official business there… it worked until he started to inject the drugs… he had only gotten a small percent of his deadly cocktail into the drip when one of the kids stopped him…
"What's that you're giving him?"
"Just something for his pain"
"That looks like more than normal"
"He has been complaining about his pain level… we increased his dosage." The kid's face told him he had made a misstep… he turned back to the syringe…if he could just finish the injection…
"Hold it right there!" The kid drew his gun then… Walker turned, raising his hands…
An alarm from the monitors behind him suddenly went off … Walker froze for just one brief moment a smile playing on his lips… guess the punk needed even less of a push than he thought to send him over the edge… then he lunged at the kid, the familiar blade slipping into his hand in a heartbeat…he would have slashed the boy's throat but… something caught his shirt… it wasn't much of an impediment but it threw his aim off, sinking the knife into the shoulder of the young agent instead of a more fatal wound… still the kid went down grasping his shoulder with a groan… out of the fight for good…. The blade wedged in his flesh… the old operative left it there… spinning abruptly to charge the other boy… feeling the snap of his collar bone beneath his forearms as he slammed him back into the wall with the force of canon… the kid's head struck violently…his eyes rolled back and his body was suddenly dead weight against the old man's arms… he ran for the door letting the boy slide boneless to the floor in a heap of tangled limbs.
The girl outside burst into the room with surprising fury, her long ponytail whipping wildly. Her partner scrambled for his gun, his phone pressed to his ear. Walker slid his arm around the girl's throat, his gun was in his hand instantly and he pressed it to her temple.
A body hit him from the side just a few feet outside the door, nearly dropping him, forcing him to release the girl… she lunged for her weapon… the girl's partner and another agent moved in, weapons drawn while he struggled with the guy … desperate now he threw his arm around the neck of the man, struggling to pin him.. It was considerably harder to control the man but the .45 in his ribs did the trick. It had been a long time since Walker was in the field but he hadn't lost more than a single step…
"Hold it there." He commanded in a firm voice... they stopped… all of them. The three agents stood stiffly attempting to train their guns on him… he kept the tall dark haired agent between him and those weapons. "This young man and I are walking out of here… I have no desire to hurt him. I have nothing but respect for the FBI…"
"I don't think so Walker." The man was tall and straight shouldered… light brown hair falling into green eyes, his weapon didn't waver. "Let him go and come quietly… it will be better for you."
"I would reconsider that stance if I were you…" he addressed the man who was clearly in charge "you already have two agents down… I don't mind making it six…" his smile was conciliatory… "That useless thief is not worth the lives of your men…besides…you hear that?" the sound of the alarm trickled from the room "He's already finished."
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Thomas hesitated, uncertain…Walker's words tore through him…the alarms from the room and the desperate nursing staff that huddled behind him eyeing the door confirmed that something was seriously wrong with the injured man inside…and his heart clenched in fear for his young agents guarding him. Walker remained standing solidly in front of the door his left arm snaked around Peter's throat… the handgun he pressed to the man's side a .45… Reynolds met his fellow agents gaze and was surprised to see a slight nod… the fear in those brown eyes not for his own safety… the claxon that indicated his friend could be dying… might already be dead reflected in his expression… "Let him go… just get to Neal" his look practically screamed. With a sigh Thomas lowered his weapon signaling the others to do the same… he followed Walker's form with his eyes as he pulled Burke away… he hoped he made the right choice…. "The man has a wife and kid," his conscience reminded him "but it was his choice" Reynolds argued as he darted into the room…
His eyes flitted frantically over the scene that met his eyes… Jim lay in an unconscious mass of sagging limbs beside the door, a deathly pallor tinting his face. Robert was desperately trying to claw his way up the side of the bed… pale faced, blood flowing freely around a knife imbedded deep in his shoulder…he had made it as far as his knees, before he slid back down… his bloodless lips clamped tightly closed… features twisted with pain… Neal slumped sideways in the bed…right arm dangling off the mattress, cheek pressed against the rail, blood spotting the bandages on his side… his hand grasping feebly at Robert's as though trying to help him to his feet… Blue eyes wide with fear, slightly glassy… but he was alive although the pulse/ox monitor flashed a terrifying zero in both fields…
"Are you ok?" Reynolds asked him tensely… a nod… the man was gasping, the respirator pulled loose from his face, but he wordlessly raised the finger clip… unattached. A ghost of a smile tugged at pale lips a hint of mischief in worried eyes. Reynolds nodded turning his attention to the injured agents. "Robert …? You holding up…?" the kid nodded.
"I'm here…" he muttered breathlessly…
"Stay still… don't try to move." His eyes flickered between the two men for a moment "both of you…" Thomas managed as he knelt beside the unmoving body near the door… he sagged with relief when the unconscious man groaned deeply…the medical staff burst in then… taking over a situation Thomas didn't have the experience to even begin to handle… he backed off… watched as both of his men were taken away for treatment … waited for Dr. Cole to confirm that Neal had only received a small extra dose of pain medication and sedation. He had torn some stitches from his latest operation…but over all his condition was no worse than it had been before the attack…he would most likely sleep for several hours… that might be for the best, the doctor concluded, considering the stress of the incident… Thomas nodded… Caffrey already appeared to be asleep
Reynolds quickly assigned new protection for Neal… and then moved to leave…to begin to organize his team… he needed to find his fellow agent…the voice that stopped him was barely audible…
"Peter…?" Half asleep and still trembling slightly, his eyes were pleading "Thomas… where's Peter?"