Note: xxForeverLostxx told in her review that she would have liked to see what was going through Matt's head, and truth is, even if I know some of you don't like it when I write the same events from each point of view, this time it was necessary to understand Matt's motivations behind the kiss and you couldn't have completely understood the next events without his mind process. Because even if we're heading for some lemons, there's a great meaning as to why all of this happen, and it's mostly on Matt's side so you need a peep inside of his head.
Thank you so much everyone for the reviews, you're wonderful!

Shameless self advertising: I posted a oneshot yesterday, you can find it in my stories list under the title "I drove all night" (not a songfic, and no tribute to the horrible cover by Céline Dion.)

Matt
I should have been scared, devastated. Mihael had his fingers in my ass and I had no doubts about what was coming next, and my mind (and maybe alcohol too) was only telling me that he'd regret it if he did it, that I couldn't let this happen because it would ruin everything even more than it already was, he would feel guilty and it would be something more to add in the balance of the things we had to work out.
I wasn't even putting the hurt, the rape, the violence, into this balance. It was there, in the back of my mind, but all I could register was 'damn, he's just angry, he's not like that, it's only a mistake'.
And probably, I would even have taken it, resignated first about the fact that I couldn't fight him anyway, and that it was only a bad moment that it would be over soon. I guess I had quite some alcohol in my system.
Three months ago, I would probably have rather thought that I would never get over such a thing and that I'd send him in jail for that, that he was a sick mind and … right now I was being assaulted by a homosexual guy who was fingering me deeply and for sure I didn't want it and it freaked me out, but I was conditioning my brain to accept it if I couldn't prevent it, for the sake of our friendship. I could still not believe that Mihael wasn't like I thought he was. He wasn't a bastard, a liar, he wasn't the bad person he could have looked like he was at that precise moment.
Fuck, I was the sick mind, probably, to think that way...

I had to ask him to stop. It came out of my mouth so faintly that I thought he wouldn't even hear me, but I didn't have the strength to speak louder, I was shocked, confused, I wanted him to be a good guy so much...
And he stopped, just when I felt his dick against my anus. I was already mentally preparing for the pain when everything stopped.
Not for long because I felt a sharp pain in my head this time, when my skull met the door. I tried to stand up, greatly helped by a violent pull, and my back met the wall again, knocking the air out of my lungs.

He was angry. Really angry. I guess he had the right to be after I made his date go away.
But I also saw his anger leave him, as we shared a look. His features softened and then he dressed me back up like a child. I was feeling extremely stupid but I didn't stop him, shock was still taking over me.

We talked, tried to explain, and I knew he was right about everything, and I should be ashamed of what I did. But I wouldn't change a single thing. I wanted him to be my friend no matter what, I was being the most egoistic person on earth but I didn't want to go backward. I hated myself for being that selfish.
And strangely, the hard head he was accepted everything I did, I mean, Mihael, who I thought was even more selfish than I was, showed me his true side, the one that could be aware of my flaws, and still take me as I was although it meant a lot of shit for him, like having possible boyfriends scared away by me.
It sent me back to my own narrow mindedness months ago, and how much I had changed my mind in between.
He wasn't my gay friend, he was my best friend, someone I truly loved as a person, because he had qualities I liked, and he was fun to be with, he was smart and even his temper was synonym of entertainment.
This was why I was pushing things so far, I really couldn't lose that, life without such a person would be a sad one.
And I wanted to be that same person for him. Bring him as much as he brought me, not only in terms of entertainment, but in terms of evolution, of intelligence. What would have I become as a man with the views I had on homosexuality? What would I have brought to other people, my hypothetic future children with so much intolerance?

No encounter is vain, I was strongly believing it now. But sometimes you don't give people the chance to show you what they can bring to you, and I was so thankful to Mihael for imposing himself on me like he had done, with his self assurance, his fucking way to only do what he wanted even when I voiced that I wanted the opposite... I wouldn't change a single thing of what had happened until now, not even the blowjob. That was to say something.

I didn't think before I took him in my arms. It just came instinctively. I was quite surprised by my own reaction once he snaked his arms around my waist, wondering if I really was up for that, but first, I had initiated this hug so it would have been extremely mean to push him away now that I had second thoughts, and quickly, I knew that it wasn't that bad, that it wasn't gay.
Ok, I still had some difficulties with things that could be labelled gay, I guess I wasn't a macho for nothing, but it was only him and me, my friend and me, and a hug would not kill me.
And finally, I think I liked it, if I didn't think of what could cross his mind, sexually speaking. He's gay, but it doesn't mean he automatically thinks of sex in any male/male interraction, right?

I could even feel his hard on against my stomach. I felt the hairs of my arms raise in protest but I willed the bad feeling away. It's only a dick, it's only the rest of his previous actions, not something I brought up with the hug. Breathe, everything's ok. I surprised myself at how calm I could stay.

I had no second thoughts for what I did next. I had to do it. It was the best way to show him how much I had changed, how much he had changed me. I wasn't gay, I was still straight as an 'I', and I kissed him.
He kissed me back exactly like he had kissed me the day I thought I was kissing Annie. The fact that he was a guy put aside, he was a great kisser. Any girl kissing me like this would have turned me on instantly, but right now it did nothing of that nature to me. Ok, I admit it, I also tested myself somehow.
All of these events had me questioning my sexuality at some point, because I was wanting to be with him so badly I had to wonder if I had feelings of another nature for him. But no, for sure, I had none. This was settled at least.
But I felt a pang in my heart for some unknown reason.

He looked so happy, when we parted. It made me happy too that I could do that for him. It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would have been, I wasn't dead, I wasn't disgusted or on the verge of nausea. I was ok.
I probably could even do it again. Maybe. If it makes him that happy.

A while later, we were at his apartment, and I was thinking of this pang in my heart, that I was beginning to understand. So I had to know.
I sat beside him and tried to cuddle with him. It was so weird that I didn't know if he wanted me to do this or not. He knew I felt nothing of a romantic nature while doing that, he was aware of the fact it was just my way to thank him, but right now, I was trying to know if my doubts were founded.

His head was on my shoulder, and I could feel his breath against the skin of my neck. It was not natural. I wasn't attracted to him, and at the same time I was. I was freaking out inwardly each time the pang came back, it was confusing as hell.
As a guy, I thought nothing of our physical contact. I was happy that it made him happy, but that was about all. I was still wondering if I would go on with this or not because it wasn't normal for me to do so.

And yet, I was regretting that he wasn't a girl. Each time I imagined he was one, the pang came back, sending butterflies in my stomach, and hormones in my crotch.
And I was hating it. Because along with the hormones, tricking my mind into holding a female version of Mihael made me want to hug him and cuddle and kiss and tell him sweet words. As in: Mail is in love. And I've never been in love...

I tricked my mind so well that I found myself petting his hair, and smelling it.
But I quickly forced myself back to reality because this was pretty insane, and I wanted to stay on the side of the 'thank you hug'.
I enquired if he liked it, at least, because I didn't want him to feel as weird as I felt, but he seemed more than willing for it, and more.
But of course, it wouldn't happen, that was way beyond what I could do for him. Ok, maybe if his life depended on it, I'd do it, but the shiver it sent to my spine told me he'd better stay alive so I didn't have to experience gay sex.

We finally settle for the night, sleep was beginning to wash over us badly, but I couldn't help telling him that he was the only one I've done that with. In my sleepy state, I felt the need to tell him the importance it held. Just in case I would go backward the next day once I wasn't tired or alcohol-influenced anymore.

I woke up in the middle of the night, or better, morning, since the apartment was already bathed with sunlight, since Mihael hadn't closed the blinds before we went to sleep, and considering the fact we had been to bed around 4am.
I glanced at the digital clock on Mihael's bed table, stretching my neck over the arm of the couch: 10am.
I was still tired, and feeling a headache coming, but after a few minutes, I was unable to find sleep again. What I had seen while looking in direction of the bed was disturbing.

Mihael slept naked, this was no news to me, but seeing him laid on his stomach and the sheets only covering his legs, well, it was really easy to imagine he was a chick (he'd kill me for that thought).
I stared. Yes, I admit it.
I was sickly tricking my mind again. I don't know why because it was insane, and leading nowhere, and even worse, it hurt each time I came back to reality. And still I did it.
I shifted slightly so I could see him without stretching my neck this time, and really he has a chick's ass. Round, not a single hair, slightly curvy.
I was touching my dick even before I realised I was. Thatwas insane.

But I shut my inner voice and began masturbating. I couldn't sleep, my head was aching, and I suddenly needed to release the tension, I guess all of this was only because I was sexually frustrated, a little jerking off and everything would be forgotten. Even if I was caressing myself looking at Mihael's ass. I added him boobs and a pussy though, as I closed my eyes to imagine better.

Mello
I woke up, but didn't feel like moving. I wasn't the kind to sleep long nights and even if we had gone to sleep late, past 9am I had all the difficulties in the world to stay in bed. It was past 10am. I looked down, only turning my head, the rest of my body still imprinted in the mattress, to the couch where Mail was sleeping, or so I thought. But what I saw sent blood right to my cock. He was resting on the arm of the sofa, bare chest, and even bare dick.
The sight of his erected member and his hand strocking it turned me on so badly I slid my hand under myself to do the same.
But I made too much noise and he stopped, covering himself with his blanket and looking in my direction with a horrified look. Shit.

"Hey, it's ok, I was doing the same..."
It wasn't the right thing to say, obviously. I'm so much at ease with my body that I really didn't care that he jerked off on my couch. Ok, I'm gay too, so it's probably a bigger problem for him since he's not.
"Oh, thanks, I feel even worse now..." he mumbled, his arm on his eyes shamefully.

I acted on impulse and stood up to reach the couch, sitting beside his lain body.
"Mail, I can understand that you're sexually frustrated, why be ashamed?" I wanted to make him understand that it was ok. Hell, which guy hasn't jerked off with other male friends when younger, when boys begin to discover their sexuality? It was like smoking weed together or roasting marshmallows in a campfire!
But Mail had had a lonely childhood, I knew since it had been the topic of one of our long chats.
And he was straight. If he had made so many efforts to understand my homosexuality and how I thought, I had to understand the way he worked. And it was easy.
Any sexual activity near me probably made him think it made him gay. I couldn't say it did nothing to me, of course, the object of my love and desire trying to reach orgasm near me just made me want to help and get my share of pleasure out of it, when all he wanted was to relieve himself alone without me knowing.

But I was stubborn and imposing my views was something I did on a daily basis, so I pulled the cover off his cock and took it in my hand. I had already seen it, touched it, and even sucked it, but God, I wanted this so badly... Seven inches of wet dreams.
His eyes went as wide as plated and he pushed my hand away violently while straightening his position.
"Mihael!" Mail was horrified, "Stop that!"
I could tell he didn't even believe himself what I just did. Ok, it was daring, and totally against his nature, but fuck, it wasn't wrong, it was just his friend litterally lending a hand.

His chest was still heaving from his previous ministrations, his light abs were showing, and his member was still teasing me. He was gorgeous. And I was naked and sat with my own erection thigh against thigh with him.
He didn't move further though, it was like he was trying to take a decision.

I was holding my breath, because his eyes told me something was bound to happen. I knew that we wouldn't end up fucking like horny beasts, but I knew him well enough to recognise the battling mind behind this expression of his.