Why does he have such an effect on me? Why is it that I spend my nights thinking of him when I know that he isn't thinking of me in no way shape or form? I miss him everyday of my life but, why? Why, When I know that he is probably with the next victim.

People keep telling me to not give him the satisfaction of hurting and crying over him.

I know what everyone says is genuine but, even though they probably have been through the same thing as me and are speaking from experience, (I mean who hasn't) its no consolation. It doesn't make me feel better and I cant NOT hurt over him because he hurt me and that's something that cant go away just because I refuse to 'give him the satisfaction of knowing'.

Nothing I do relieves the pain I feel. I'm still writing because I hope that maybe, writing about how shitty he was will make me hurt less. Maybe putting my thoughts out there will be some kind of healing method for me because no one wants to listen to my sad story in real life and to be honest I don't want to tell it to anyone. I don't want to say anything, knowing that I am going to be hearing the same thing, the same lines 'You'll get over it' or 'its hard now but it will be better soon'.

I know you all are wondering what happened because I ended the story at such a sudden stop.

You can guess though right?

I cannot describe the pain I feel in my chest and in my heart. Its something I've experienced only once before and that story, in itself, is too long to explain.

A love lasting 5 years and a heartbreak that adds to the pain of which I feel now. Adds to the question that I can't get out of my mind. The question that sturs up every time I see Ichigo's face in my mind or every time I sulk in his memory; 'Is there something wrong with me?'

I deserve better

I tell myself this in a sorry attempt to motivate myself to get out of this depression. It doesn't work for a number of reasons, many of which I am sure you all can relate to in one way or another.

It's hard to get better when you think they are the best there is. The best the world has to offer.

It's hard to find better when you cant help but compare them to every person that attempts to heal the wound of which they've left in your heart.

Its hard to find better when everything you do reminds you of that one person.

It's hard to find better when your heart still aches for them.

It's hard to find better when you spend all your time hoping they will miss you enough to come back and apologize.

It's hard to find better when all you think about is the qualities you love most about them over the cons of which brought you to the separation in the first place.

His smile...

You all know how much I loved seeing him smile. His smile cancels out that he NEVER introduced me to any of his friends even though I was eager to show him off to mine.

His chuckle...

The chuckle that I miss so much. That chuckle he would give when he was amused and when he mixed it with the words he spoke made it even better. That chuckle cancels out that he never kissed me like he truly meant it.

His eyes...

His big, brown eyes when he looks at me with the slightest of interest in me is worth everything and cancels out that he absolutely refused to make me his girlfriend.

Even though I found all these things to cancel out every other flaw of which he had, I found not one that canceled out the fact that he forgot my birthday, remembered it 2 days later then still didn't wish me 'Happy Birthday'.

That was the end.

I left him later that week, a few days after my 23rd birthday and his response pierced my heart and the pain from that wound has yet to heal. It will always be a soft spot, he will always have a piece of me and its not fair because I don't have a piece of him. His response plays through my head over and over and even though its a reminder as to why I left him in the first place;

Again...

Its no consolation.

"Okay, it's better this way. You were getting a bit too annoying"

His cruel words bring me no comfort or motivation to move on but instead holds me back and prevents me from becoming a better person for it. Causes me to question myself as a person. I cry at least every other day because of the pain he caused, among other things that just seem to keep falling apart more and more since he walked out of my life and you know what?

I envy my happiness during my time with him

I envy the joy that I felt during those 9 months and I miss the stress free environment of which he provided because he always knew how to put me at ease, always knew how to make me smile.

More than anything in the world I would love to go back to that time and just soak up all the happiness I felt during that period because I have none left as of two months ago when I removed him from my life.

I just want to love someone. I just want to love someone with all I have in me and feel the sweet ecstasy of having them love me back with everything they have in them.

I guess that's it for now.

Until the pain is too much to bare, again, I hope you all are doing better than me right now.

Just think, one day I will be completely over him and wont need to turn to you guys for relief.

I long for that day yet also fear it.

-Yumi(Rukia)

P.S: Ranting about it does make the pain go away, even if it's just for a little while. I am glad you take the time to review. It makes me smile to no extent and I'm so grateful to you all for that.