Neal watched Peter move carefully around the room…His agitation evident in every step clearly someone had told Peter about his breakdown…he limped as he paced… every few steps he stopped… opened his mouth as if he were going to say something then … resumed pacing.

"Tell me you weren't actually trying to kill yourself." Was what he finally choked out

"No…I wasn't…" it was true… he hadn't intended to die when he tried to get up… he just hadn't cared… he still didn't really care if he lived or died… if he was honest. At least that would mean no more good people getting hurt because they got too close to him. "I just… wanted… to help…find…you" Peter's face softened a little.

"Neal…I appreciate that..." he seemed at a loss how to proceed. "Neal, Mozzie said you sent him away… abruptly… after you read one of the case files…"

"Realized… how …dangerous… it was for… him to … be here"

"You read the autopsy report?" it was only half a question… Peter already knew the answer. It was slow coming and when it did it was so soft he almost missed it

"I could have saved him…I should have saved him, Peter"

"How?"

"He was alive… when I left"

"And paralyzed… you barely got away… you would have died too if you had hesitated… you really think you could have scooped him up and carried him out of there…? In the few seconds you had…?"

"Could… have …come back… with the police…"

"Really? Where exactly where you that night… could you lead me there?" his head drooped… defeat and grief in every line of his posture. He finally shook his head.

"I should have found… a way"

"Let's assume you did… you brought the police back before he died… you still couldn't have saved him, Neal… chances are he would have died anyway… and even if he survived… Neal, his spinal cord was all but severed from his brain… by the bullet still lodged in his head… quadriplegic … would have been best case scenario… there was nothing you could do!" tears threatened to fall but Neal blinked furiously, looking away, fighting his grief.

"There had to be something…"

"It's called survivor's guilt… you really should give the shrink a chance." That earned him a smirk. "I've been there, Neal… after you …left… I spent a year thinking of thousands of ways I could have done something different…but…"

"I'm…sorry" he looked away dropping his eyes sadly.

"The point wasn't to make you feel guilty." Peter shook his head "Neal the point was... what you're doing to yourself is normal… you lost someone you care about and you keep thinking there's something you should have done… but trust me there was nothing you could have done for Donny."

"It's not… just… Donny…" he choked on the words "I… destroy …every …one good… that comes… into my life… being close… to me… brings …nothing …but pain and… death. You need to… let me go…" Peter frowned… thinking of how to say what he needed to.

"You are the only man I have ever known who can steal a priceless painting and never feel a moment's guilt… yet rips himself apart over someone else's actions"

"Peter … please…"

"Neal… just stop…" he turned to stare into the depths of sorrow in those eyes. He hobbled to the chair beside the bed and sank into it wearily "yes you have made bad choices, but that does not make you responsible for the actions of anyone else." Like Clarence Walker...

"But …"

"Not your father, not Keller, not Nolen and definitely NOT WALKER! They made the choices to hurt people… not you!"

"Please… don't" the despair in his voice cut to his friend's heart

"You don't…! You are my best friend and you are telling me I would be better off without you in my life! THAT IS MY CHOICE! NOT YOURS!" he realized he was yelling and settled back into the chair his eyes brooding. "Those good people, Neal, they take the risk… they get close to you… because they think you are worth it… because WE think you're worth it…Even if you don't" He patted his friend's arm… "Now get some rest… you have a very long road ahead of you."

"If you say so…" he tried to meet his friend's eyes but his gazed dropped

"Life dealt you an unfair hand… and you played it to the best of your ability… yes you blew it… of course you did, Neal, you didn't stand a chance…" Walker made sure of that. "But the reason I liked you… even before I arrested you… you never once lost your humanity… your heart."

"What if… I can't …do this …any more…?" he didn't look up "what if I… can't keep… playing… these cards?"

"Then maybe it's time for a new deck."

"It… doesn't … work that… way…" he swallowed harshly "and… you know…it." His eyes turned to the wall wretchedly … desolation radiating from every contour of his body

"Neal… please don't give up now." Peter's voice cracked "not after… d*** it Neal, We got them… do you understand that…? We got them all…You have a chance to really start over…without anyone pulling the strings…" he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

A light tap on the door snapped his head up. Thomas stood in the doorway… Emily clutching his hand, dangling her doll and a worn blanket under her arm.

"Can we come in" he asked softly. Peter nodded shooting a worried glance at his friend.

"Neal? You have company." After a long moment the younger man tore his eyes from the wall… depression vanishing from his face… hidden expertly behind an easy smile despite his weakness.

"Hello" Thomas hesitated… "I hope we aren't interrupting… Emily wanted to see you." Honest shock registered in pained blue eyes.

"She did?" his voice shook weakly… "And you're… ok with… that…?"

"Yeah… she's been asking for a while but…I wasn't sure you were up to squirmy little girl…" he smiled at Neal softly, his green eyes telling Peter he knew that the young man needed a boost today.

"That… might not… be a …good idea" he shook his head

"You saved her life… I think, Emily having a friend like you is a very good idea" Thomas smiled

"But…" his voice trailed off hopelessly…

"You're a good man… one of the best I've ever met…"

"Really?" his eyes were absolutely incredulous.

"Really. And I am so sorry…" his voice broke "for everything… and so… so grateful… I know what you did for her…" Reynolds couldn't form any more words, but his grateful tears spoke volumes.

The little girl broke away from her daddy… approaching the bed shyly. She smiled timidly. Then before anyone could stop her, she scrambled up beside him and spread the blanket over his shivering shoulders…

"Molly will make it better" she told him confidently laying the doll in his arms. The small girl leaned in then, impulsively kissing his cheek. A rush of faint color flooded his translucent cheeks. She snuggled down against him with a big smile.

"Thank you… Emily" he whispered trying to control tears again… "Thank you…" He clung to the tiny child like a drowning man thrown a life line.

"Thank you" Peter whispered to the other agent.

)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(

Peter slid into the booth beside his wife with a smile. Reaching over to tickle his son made him grin. He allowed himself to really breathe for the first time in months. He met Elizabeth's eyes.

"Morning Hon"

"Good morning, honey" her smile looked tired… 'I woke up this morning and you were gone."

"I'm sorry I just had to-."

"How is Neal… any better?"

"I think so… Thomas brought Emily by."

"Emily?"

"His daughter… she's three. That's how he got hurt, saving her."

"He tries his best to help people…after they get in trouble because of him"

"Elle…"Peter stared at her in disbelief. "Walker had Emily taken to teach Thomas a lesson about digging to deep… Using her to get to Neal was an afterthought."

"Oh." She sighed "I'm sorry… I just… people seem to get in trouble when they are around Neal… I know he doesn't mean for it to happen but…"

"It's not his fault, Hon" she watched a shudder run through his body "none of it…" Peter swallowed harshly.

"What do you mean?"

"Walker has been pulling the strings in his life for fifteen years…" she watched the horror in his eyes as he slowly pulled the file out and pushed it across the table.

"What's this?"

"I asked Thomas and Diana and Jones to do some digging… into some things Walker said the other night. Thomas gave it to me this morning."

"Why?"

"Elle… Walker headed a task force that looked into Vincent Adler about 3 months before the man disappeared… apparently the man was associated with dangerous people. They thought they were getting close to something when Walker called them off… said there was no real evidence…" he turned a page "Garret Fowler was transferred to OPR on the authority of Jason Kemp… who admitted yesterday Walker suggested him for the position." Another page "Philip Kramer conceded that Walker mentioned the possibility of Neal being involved in a murder after he told him about his first trip to New York and how well we worked together…" the paper rustled again. Peter didn't look up as she tried to keep the sudden tears back… "Senator Pratt was known to be a friend of Clarence Walker…Calloway worked for him before transferring to the FBI seven years ago…. Racheal Turner was part of an international task force that worked closely with Walker ten years ago… before she went rogue…the director mentioned Walker suggested I might be due for a promotion and later implied that he might want to hang on to Neal" Peter finally looked at her.

"Every time you started to trust Neal or he started to trust you… something happened… that was Walker." Elle's voice almost squeaked. Her eyes filling with tears… "he really wasn't playing an angle…"

"No he wasn't…He never had a chance Elle, with the director of the NSA trying to keep him from trusting anyone and everyone from trusting him… he never had a chance. He was trying to finish school… had applied for college before he broke into Nolen's house. He wanted to know about his dad and no one would tell him… He just wanted a family… and Walker made a point of destroying anyone he got too close to…"

"Why would he do that…? I mean he could have just killed him."

"Neal had some very d***ing contracts… Walker was afraid they would come to light if Neal died. So as long as he wasn't talking about what happened…"

"Poor Neal… honey how do we fix this for him?"

"We can't…" His eyes flashed with helpless fury.

"Peter?"

"We can't fix it Elle… he's lost so much and he can never have it back! People he loved are dead... he may never walk may never paint again... we can't give any of that back to him!" she watched the tears trickle from her husband's eyes "I should have seen this a long time ago… I should have…" Elizabeth took his hand gently. "Fifteen years…this monster tortured him for fifteen years…"

"Your right honey we can't undo it but… we can help him start over." She shuddered thinking of her plan to send Neal away "He came here, back then, looking for his family… well, we'll be his family…"

"Are you sure hon?" Peter looked at her closely "He's still Neal"

"Yes. I'm sure…" she squeezed his hand "I'm sure. Do you want to go back and talk to him?"

"About this? No. Not until he's stronger, besides, Dr. Cole has banned visitors for 48 hours…"

)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(

"Hey Sweetie" Elizabeth smiled softly "you are looking better" Neal forced a tight smile… carefully pushing himself up as far as he could in the bed.

"Sorry… about the other… day…" he shook his head "didn't mean to … worry you…You had enough… to worry about." For a moment he studied his hands… trying to push down the mind numbing guilt that surged back to the surface when he thought of the pain he'd brought to her. He swallowed his feelings and forced himself to meet her eyes.

"Neal… you couldn't..." Elizabeth's eyes shone with tears… he couldn't face her grief. The blue eyes dropped again.

"I know… I couldn't help… him…and I'm sorry…" he shivered "you have to believe… I would have… protected him if… I could."

"I do believe that." to his surprise she took his hand gently "I never doubted that"

"I didn't mean… to get him mixed… up in this." he took a breath… and let it escape slowly and looked up again.

"The truth is I was furious with you Neal… when I drove down here… but then I realized" she squeezed his hand again "You were in this mess for trying to do the right thing… how can I be angry with you for wanting justice."

"Because it was my… mistake that caused …all this…"

"Neal you didn't cause any of this…Walker-." She cut off sharply "I'm so sorry I thought this was your fault."

"You don't understand Elizabeth" He sighed, looking at his hands. The image of Robert and Jim lying dead on the floor of his room floating through his mind. He didn't look up when the door creaked open. "When this is over… I'm going back…to Paris…" so I won't hurt you again he thought.

"I don't think so" Elizabeth's voice was sharp… "Peter told me how you were isolating yourself there. You need your family, Neal, and we need you." He looked up then, shaking his head sadly. Family… he didn't get to have a family… just the cards he'd been dealt… raising his eyes he found Peter had joined her.

"Bet you didn't …tell her… I got two agents killed."

"What are you talking about?" Elizabeth looked confused and worried…her blue eyes darted to her husband. Peter took his turn to shake his head and grinned a bit as he limped to the side of the bed. "What happened to them…there was nothing more you could do."

"What is he talking about, hon."

"Robert and Jim…" Neal began but his voice failed as the picture of Jim lying utterly still by the door… Robert falling… blood spurting around a large knife… imposed themselves on his vision.

"Neal…" Peter's far too gentle voice broke through the gruesome memories "I think you misunderstood…"

"Misunderstood….? I was …there…"

"You were also heavily drugged…They are both fine Neal… out on medical leave for a couple of weeks but recovering well… or so I'm told."

"They're alive…?"

"Yes… now relax… Dr. Cole says you've had far too much stress the last few of days… she's going to ban visitors again if you don't stay calm…"

"Alive… but I saw… Jim was there… he was so… still… and Robert… there was so… much blood…to much…"

"Jim had a concussion and a broken collar bone. Robert took a knife to the shoulder, Walker was going for the carotid… seems someone grabbed his shirt. It threw off his swing… saved the kid's life…"

"Had to do… something…"

"I know… you did well. He's telling everyone how you saved his life, by the way" Neal dropped his head shyly as a small honest grin pulled at his lips

"Thanks Peter…"

"Neal… I can't force you to stay after the trial, but I wish you would come home."

"I'll think about… it" he frowned at the older man's bright smile "No… promises… but I'll think… about it"

"So… you were enrolled in school here…?"

"Peter…"

"Between your father and Walker… they took away your future…" he looked at his friend intently "I'd say it's time you got it back. We want to help you do that. Will you let us help you change your hand?" Peter held his breath… after a long moment the young man nodded… meeting his gaze with hope budding in those blue eyes.