In the dark he couldn't move …couldn't breathe… pain was the whole world… but he had to find her! Had to keep her safe! He feverishly tried to search but his body wouldn't respond! Wouldn't move! His eyes were open he knew, but he couldn't see… absolute darkness… Neal screamed her name but there was no sound...! His voice made no sound in the dark! He couldn't scream because he couldn't breathe. Hysterically he struggled to force air into lifeless lungs… he had to call her, had to find her! He was supposed to protect her… he promised… he promised he would keep her safe! She was in his arms and now she was gone! He wanted to sob… he wanted to get up to search for her… but his body lay there in the cold and the dark and wouldn't move … wouldn't breathe… wouldn't live! Dead!
"I'm dead but … I can't be…"he thought. "I have to find her…please I can die after she's safe… "Please, Please, Please… just breathe!" he begged his empty lungs… he pleaded with his heart to beat… with his eyes to see…with his body to move… just this one last time! Nothing happened. The darkness didn't lighten… his chest remained stubbornly silent, lungs still, heart frozen… his arms limp… useless…his bloody hands motionless…so much blood on his hands…his legs unmoving … unresponsive… "I have to save her…I promised" his thoughts were fading now… drifting away from that broken lifeless thing lying alone in the dark… and the little girl that needed him…Donny's eyes stared accusingly at him in the distance… calling him to his punishment… the pain was far away now… lingering in the last traces of his mind…Dead… "NOOOOO!"
His eyes flew open, his breath lunging in and out of his aching chest, his heart hammering hysterically… for a moment he lay frozen... paralyzed by the darkness in his mind. The quiet room offered silent relief. A slim arm tightened across his waist, a tousled head shifted on his shoulder, full lips smiled in her sleep as moonlight played across the floor from the French doors and he sighed in relief…two weeks…he rubbed the sweat from his forehead with a trembling hand… two weeks since the last nightmare… that was a record lately, he thought ruefully. The fear faded, Emily was fine…the picture she sent him just last week still adorned his refrigerator...the fear faded, the pain, however returned… he slipped out of the gentle embrace, sitting up gingerly and eyed his right hand…it twisted awkwardly, twitching and contorting as the spasm ran its agonizing course though his muscles. Nerve damage had the most bizarre side effects, he thought… but at least the fingers worked… most of the time… when they weren't doing this… Sometimes heat relieved the painful convulsions.
Carefully he eased himself out of bed…trying unsuccessfully not wake the beautiful woman sleeping next to him…her head came up questioningly, her hand lightly caressing the rigid muscles of his arm. He smiled tenderly … murmuring softly, encouraging her to go back to sleep… with a slightly reproachful look she lay back down, worry still edging her eyes as she drifted off…
He reached automatically for the cane that leaned against the nightstand…6 months in an inpatient rehab center and 4 more months of outpatient physical therapy found him back on his feet… but the doctors reminded him frequently that the ornate cane was likely to be a permanent accessory… his right foot made contact with the floor first and his knee protested with a dull groan of pain… he pushed himself up on that leg anyway… it was still the stronger appendage after three surgeries repaired the cartilage and tendons the sliver of iron severed…
Neal was grateful for the support of the cane as he tentatively stepped onto his left leg… sometimes it still gave under his weight. It always shot pain through his thigh and hip… he grinned self-consciously when he thought of his last trip through an airport… he thought they were going to strip search him right there…thanks to the number of pins and screws in his body… the internal rod that reinforced his femur had really stressed them out… The thought was funny… he could imagine their embarrassment if he revealed the scars that lined his body…
He sighed… life was never going to be the same… after last year…aches and throbs caught him off guard often… he would never again be the quick, agile man he once was… the stamina he once had was gone, scarred lungs and weakened heart made sure of that… nightmares haunted his sleep more often than he cared to admit… but…he was alive. All things considered that was something of a miracle to him.
Alive…
His testimony against the two surviving shooters… and Wilson, sent them away for life. The evidence he kept in a locked box in Dallas for fifteen years… insured Clarence Walker, Tomas Martinez and Morgan Flannery went away too. He tried not to think too much about Kyle Nolen's fate… not that he had any love to waste on the man… but anyone faced with that life…he shuddered… the doctors claimed the man was probably conscious but unable to respond to the world around him… Neal couldn't bring himself to wish that on anyone… not even the shifty lawyer. He shuddered slightly… that could have easily been him…
Alive…
It turned out that Nicholas Collins…his identity shored up by a full background created by Diana and Jones… was just as desirable as a security consultant in New York as he had been in Paris… It didn't hurt that he received a glowing reference from several FBI agents… including Thomas Reynolds, which meant he could come home…
Home
He had decided last month, when under June's tearful eye, he stepped through this door into this apartment, with its huge windows and balcony with that spectacular view, that he loved that word… it really was good to be home, he thought as he lay the heating pad on his shoulder… and watched the jerking muscles in his arm begin to relax until only a faint tremor remained… the pain easing with the tension…
Home
It really did feel like home when Peter and Jones stopped by last week with easy grins on their faces and a casefile under Jones' arm asking if he would mind taking a look… Peter's care that all the paper work last year bore the name Collins meant that Neal Caffrey stayed in his grave… his official connection with the Bureau gone, but that didn't mean he couldn't help occasionally. Nick was a security expert after all… and if he bore a rather striking resemblance to a deceased consultant… no one in the white collar division was inclined to say too much about it…It especially felt like home when a certain beautiful lady dropped by to visit one night… a lady who, he admitted, had held his heart for a long time…she liked Collins as much as Caffrey, he suspected, since she came back often after that… he glanced at his bed with a tender smile and started the coffee.
He liked being home…. spending evenings playing with his namesake in his best friend's living room…. After a pleasant dinner…The view from his loft... Planning a physical test of the Met's security system, over a bottle of good wine with Mozzie last night…that was home too. His friend wasn't thrilled with giving the stolen items back… but… it still felt like old times, even if Moz had to do most of the heavy lifting these days.
His eyes fell on the painting, still unfinished, partially hidden behind half a dozen others… Dark twisted trees grew thick around a franticly rushing stream…tendrils of icy fog swirled though the scene sending a chill through his heart… he had almost forgotten about it.
Carefully he picked it up… suddenly he knew exactly what it needed to be complete… perching on the stool he placed the painting back on the easel…leaning the cane against the wooden support, he flexed the fingers on his right hand to stop their trembling…absently rubbing the palm to relax the still tense muscles… and picked up the brush…
No, life would never be the same for him… he would never pull another daring heist… would probably never go undercover for the FBI again either…he would never clearly remember the day he met Peter… or any of dozens of little moments that had vanished from his past… despite to many sessions with the psychologist at the rehab center…
Satisfied he stepped back and studied his work… above the ghostly trees a small break in the clouds allowed a single star to shine through… a tiny ray of hope in a scene of absolute despair… a light to show the way through the crushing darkness, guiding him through to morning… guiding him home to his family…with a soft smile he signed the NC with a flourish… it was perfect..
He'd grieved for all the ways he would never be the man he once was…screamed alone into the night when frustration and hopelessness crashed in… wept piteously into his pillow early in the mornings when he realized the man who left New York two years ago really was dead… sometimes he still missed that man, strong, agile… indestructible… but after all the dust had settled, he was still alive… although a quieter man than he had once been… but he decided that wasn't a bad thing… much less risk to those he loved… and against all odds he was still standing. At the end of the story he had a family and a home… a successful business, a paintbrush in his hand and someone to love… this life… this new life was his greatest accomplishment to date.
The future was surprisingly bright, he thought…stepping out onto his balcony to watch the sun rise… …shimmering golden red shafts of radiance sinking into his soul. Eyes as blue as the desert sky, sparkled brilliantly in the soft early morning light as he leaned on the railing... studying his favorite view. A warm spring breeze lifted his hair, caressed his face, blowing away the ghosts of the past. A soft hand came to rest in the small of his back…warm and affectionate… he turned to gaze into her eyes…slipping an arm around her waist, he pulled her close and took the offered cup of coffee… resting his chin on her head, he smiled a familiar smile… almost as bright as the pageant in the sky…
He wasn't looking back anymore.
THE END...
)()()()()()()()()()()()()(
Authors note: a huge thank you to my wonderful editor/ co writer ... :D. If you made it through this whole story please let me know what you think... good, bad... confused. Thanks