Lord Darth Yoda - Sascha's...going to get back to 'normal' - this is going to be a big growing experience for him. I know these chapters aren't particularly fun to read (nor are they to write), but its one of those things that needed to happen. Sometimes, characters need to be pushed to their lowest point. It would have been a bit of a cop out if Sascha just kind of brushed everything off, so here we are... Re: Tyra - we are going to solve that problem so it's fun to see Tyra show up, rather than as you said 'oh no, its Tyra!' You are right that its not the right reaction for that character to be getting.

thejoker122- I agree with you, I certainly see Weliss as someone who could be brought back. And considering he has a history of besting Sascha, he'd certainly be an interesting villain for Sascha to meet again.

A/N - is having a bit of a heartattack, so apologies for the late chapter.

Please enjoy the next chapter! As always, follows, favourites and reviews are appreciated.

Chapter 3: Healers

Sascha Whitestar sat alone in his dark room, staring at his datapad. No one had bothered him for awhile and that suited him just fine. Being alone was nice. Being alone meant that there were no expectations of what he should be doing, which was exactly what he wanted. He had agreed to meet with his old friend Eida Nascal, because he felt that he owed his Master at least that, but as far as he was concerned he couldn't be fixed by even the best of healers. No, he was beyond messed up and it would be better for everyone if they just admitted that and assigned him to the agricultural corps or the Temple archives. Anything but letting him continue this charade, this laughable idea that he was worthy of being a Padawan.

He was only sixteen but he felt tired to the bone. In only a few months after becoming an apprentice he had been responsible for so many wrongs, there was no way he should continue being a Jedi. And the one that seemed to come to mind more often then not these days was that he'd been responsible for the death of another being. He had dealt out death to Tu Dronos, a pirate that had been probably deserved to spend the rest of his life in a maximum security prison, but when he had confronted him, he had been far too overconfident that he, a then fifteen year old Padawan on his first mission thought that he could easily defeat him. Instead, he had almost met his end at the hands of Dronos' cortosis alloy blade, and only in a last desperate act was he able to finally defeat the Phindian. Unfortunately, he defeated him by killing him. A better Jedi would have taken him alive, he knew that for certain.

And losing Tyra…the fact that their friendship may have ended...that was a pain that went beyond anything he could have physically experienced. She had always been his rock, his source of strength, but he wasn't sure what she was anymore. The only word that seemed to make any sense in describing her was 'complicated.' His feelings for her still lingered, even though it was quite clear that she had chosen her life as a Jedi over her feelings for him. It turned out that you couldn't stop loving someone on demand.

He had so many problems, that he was pretty sure that poor Eida would just throw his hands up in frustration when she discovered them all, and that didn't even take into account how he was having trouble using the Force. Recently, anytime he tried to use the Force he would receive a nightmarish vision that disrupted his concentration. Probably what he feared most about these visions was that while he intellectually knew that what they showed wasn't actually what had happened, he was having trouble remembering the actual memories that they were perverting.

A voice came from beyond his door, "Sascha?" He sighed, it was Eida Nascal, as he expected. Sighing, he made his way to the door and opened it.

Eida was a Carthasian, a humanoid species indigenous to Benja-Rihn in the Mid Rim. Like all Carthasians she had large, orange eyes with black pupils, set-back nostrils on her large upper jaws and she had a collection of small green stubs on top of her head that was analogous to hair. Eida had been a member of Dragon clan, the same that he had been in as a young Initiate. As a young Jedi, Eida had been prone to having nervous breakdowns at inopportune moments. As an Initiate that displayed even less talent for manipulating the Force than he did, Sascha and his friends had often quietly wondered why she was allowed to remain in training, when she didn't seem to have any aptitude for it.

Despite their misgivings, the other members of dragon clan had always protected Eida when at all possible. After all, she was a part of their clan. They would volunteer to go first when facing the obstacle course so that Eida could see the challenges that awaited her, and they each spent extra time working with her and helped to keep her skills sharp. Eventually, Eida stopped becoming nervous when using the Force and after a while displayed a hidden talent for healing. She had been chosen by Dax Bartick to be her Padawan, and now she was rarely in the Temple, as Jedi Healers were in demand across the galaxy.

"Hi Sascha," she said formally before extending a green hand and placing it on his shoulder, "I never thought I'd get personally recalled by Master Windu to oversee anyone's healing, let alone you," she said in her typical, soft-spoken voice.

Sascha smiled weakly, "I never thought I'd be on the list either."

The Carthasian smiled without teeth (because she didn't have any), "Few people are brave enough to accept help. Most would make excuses. Avoid the problem."

Sascha frowned, "Are you saying I'm brave?"

Eida gave a little shrug of her shoulders, "I read over the reports of your first two missions on the trip back to Coruscant. I think you acted bravely on both your missions."

Sascha kicked at the ground, scuffing his boot against the stone floor of the Temple, "I think I'm done being brave. Do you think there is room for me to be a Jedi Healer?"

"Are you suggesting, Sascha, that healers are not brave?" Eida said in a soft, unaccusing tone – though the accusation was certainly in her words.

Stung by the carelessness of his words, he bowed to his friend, "I'm sorry, that wasn't what I wanted to say."

"I know it wasn't," said Eida amiably.

Sascha already felt on the back foot of this conversation. It was hard to push Eida away, she was just so polite, so honest, so...straightforward. Eida had always had an aura of quiet dignity around her even at a young age and it was disarming to be around her. Nonetheless, he was committed to keeping his guard up.

"What's the plan for today?" he asked.

Eida turned slightly, "I thought it would be nice to walk and talk with a friend."

He nodded, subdued, "Lead the way."

The Carthasian exited his room and he dutifully followed. Eidal Nascal started walking at a slow, leisurely pace, "I see that you are not carrying your lightsaber, was it damaged on Bothawui?"

Sascha shook his head, "A lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi, I'm unworthy of such an honor."

"And why do you believe that you are unworthy of handling lightsaber?" came the prodding question from Eida.

Sascha shrugged, "I thought that would be obvious."

The Carthasian trained her orange eyes on him. He would have found them unsettling, had he not grown up with Eida. "It is not obvious to me," she observed in a neutral tone of voice.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"But I do," said Eida. The Carthasian, dressed in her plain, basic Jedi robe, gestured at her hip where her lightsaber bounced softly against her hip, "Even I carry my lightsaber, even though I am no warrior. Do you know why?"

He shook his head.

"Because I earned the right to carry a lightsaber on my belt, the same as you did."

"That was a long time ago," said Sascha.

"And does that make it invalid?" asked Eida.

"The person that walked through the crystal caves on Illum and person that I am today are much different," he retorted. "The person that I am today hasn't earned the right to carry the weapon of a Jedi."

"Funny, you look like the same Sascha Whitestar to me," said Eida. The Carthasian then picked up the pace, turning their leisurely walk into a brisk one. Sascha certainly got the impression that they were heading towards the Room of a Thousand Fountains, though he wasn't sure if he wanted to ask where they were going.

He slowed his pace and made Eida turn and face him. "Look Eida, I don't wear my lightsaber because I'm scared of what I can do with it. I've killed with that blade, I don't think I want it back, I don't want to carry that sort of responsibility."

Eida nodded sagely, "Taking a life is always difficult." The healer paused for effect, "but sometimes it is also necessary."

Sascha frowned, "It sounds like you are speaking from experience." Sascha couldn't believe that Eida would take a life in any circumstances. She was just too...pure to do something like that.

"A healer must come to terms with death, don't you think?" she asked.

"I'm not sure I know what you are getting at."

Eida's lips worked for a moment, and she started walking again, making him catch up with her, "Perhaps I'll give you an example to illustrate my point. About a year ago, my Master and I were sent to Palgas IV, a small colony in the Outer Rim. There had been a breakout of Haxtin plague, and we were sent to help quell the outbreak. The cities were...mostly fine, as there were enough doctors there and enough supplies to combat the plague. The outlying lands though...the doctors wouldn't risk going out there – the predators were just too dangerous. So my Master and I went out to these outlying villages, taking what medicine we could carry."

"Sounds dangerous."

Eida shrugged, "It was. But I had my lightsaber," she said pointedly, "and there were beings out there that needed my help. I couldn't just ignore them because it was difficult."

Sascha watched as a gaggle of young Jedi passed them in the hallway, behind them followed an older Jedi, keeping a cautious eye on their charges. He wasn't used to getting preached at by Eida, who tended to be soft spoken and say very little.

Eida continued, "I came upon a small village and helped out as much as I could. I was doing good work, saving people, bringing medicine to places where speeders couldn't reach. I arrived at one village, which had gotten hit hard by the plague. It was just me and those villagers that weren't sick who had to help the entirety of the village." Eida looked downwards, "Many perished, many would have been beyond saving had we been in a top-of-the-line operating theatre on Coruscant, but that didn't make it easier to watch." She paused, "It is always the wailing of the families that got to me..."

He waited for a respectful moment, as Eida was silent, "I'm not sure where this story is going...it sounds like you did everything you could for those people."

"I did," Eida said quietly. "But I haven't gotten to the most pertinent part of my story yet. Having spent nearly a week in this village, I was almost ready to go when someone burst into our medical facility. It was a father, carrying his son in his arms. Both were sick, infected. The child was in much worse shape than the father, but when I offered to treat the father, he refused and said to treat his son instead."

"What did you do?" he asked.

Eida scratched at her face with a four fingered hand, "I knew that there was a small chance that I could save the son. I knew that if I got the father into treatment immediately, I could save him. But I honored the father's wishes and tried to save his son. His son...died in my arms," said Eida softly.

"I'm sorry," he said, for the lack of anything better to say.

Eida didn't even seem to hear him, "When I went to inform the father of his son's fate, I found him in the waiting area, dead."

Sascha stayed quiet this time. While the story was terrible, obviously, he was still missing on how this story related to him in any way.

After a moment of reflection, Eida started again, "As I healer, I preserve life. But there is no doubt in my mind that I was responsible for the father's death."

Sascha raised a hand, "Hold on a minute, that man requested that you treat his son before him," he said.

"He did," replied Eida. "But the choice was mine. I know that if I had decided differently, that man would be alive. Hence, I killed him. Not as if I put a knife through him, but I killed him through my choices. And that, is exactly what you did."

Sascha rubbed his forehead, "In basic, please?"

Eida rolled her eyes, "You fought Tu Dronos. At a certain point you made a choice that it was either him or you that would be making it out alive. You chose him. A logical decision, as you are a Jedi that will help thousands of people, and he was a wanted criminal. In my case, I chose to try to heal a child, when I knew that I could save the parent. The common element is choice."

Sascha shook his head, "You are equating me driving a lightsaber through someone with you choosing between which of two sick patients to save. That seems like a false equivalency at best."

Eida remained patient, "As I said, it was about choice. We both made choices."

Sascha didn't get it. But he kept quiet, because he didn't like where this conversation was going.

The Carthasian sighed, "I know when you keep quiet Sascha, that you didn't really understand what was said."

Sascha's mouth twitched, "I guess I just think of the death of Tu Dronos as one of the biggest failures in my life. I should have been better, I should have taken him alive."

"But at the end, it was either you or him, wasn't it," asked Eida.

He shrugged slightly, "I suppose. I never should have gotten to that point, though."

Eida's voice turned steely, "I read your report, and I saw the injuries you sustained. A concussion. Numerous scrapes and bruises. Shrapnel buried in your leg. What part of that suggests that you were capable of doing better than you did?"

"I...just should have been better!"

"But you weren't! Did you get taken by surprise? Sure. But you were hurt, and you weren't capable of thinking clearly, so you made the only choice you could! Should you feel bad about what happened? Absolutely! But I don't accept that you made the wrong choice. What I do believe is that you, as always, are a thoughtful young man, prone to thinking too deeply into things. If you really think that you made the wrong decision, why have you not been reprimanded?"

Sascha bit his lip, "I haven't been reprimanded but I feel like a deserve one."

"Perhaps because you actually don't deserve one."

"And how would you know that?" he said bitterly.

A bit of frustration crept into Eida's voice, "I don't know, Sascha, logic? Do you think you Master just forgot about what happened?"

"...No," he said sullenly.

Eida lowered her voice, "You can be upset about what happened, Sascha. But dwelling on the past isn't helpful. It can only bring you down."

Sascha didn't have a good answer to that. The past...hurt though. It still did. "My past hurts me. Our pasts inform our futures, I think. I'd have to be crazy to seek out more pain."

The two Padawans were just about to arrive at one of the many entrances to the Room of a Thousand Fountains. "Pain shared is not pain doubled, but pain halved," said Eida. "Don't hide your pain, share it with me, and I'll see what I can do to help you."

Sascha felt himself frowning, "I've heard that quote before. Master Unduli said it to me once."

Eida brightened for a moment, "That's very interesting!" She then shook her head, "Let's not get off topic though. The past is the past, Sascha. Don't let it haunt you."

The two of them had now entered the Room of a Thousand Fountains proper. Sascha never failed to be impressed by the simple grandeur of the Room of a Thousand Fountains. In theory it was a simple room, just a very, very large greenhouse. In practice though...

Any room that had a number of waterfalls, flora from across the galaxy, rock formations and just about everything else you could imagine, deserved a better name then just 'room.' A testament to the Jedi's belief in collective harmony, there were plants from all across the galaxy, all growing together. To his left, he saw a large Corelian Birch Tree, right next to it was a small green-red bush from Tanaab. It was something you'd never see outside of the Jedi Temple, but unless you knew where each plant was from, you'd assume they were from, you'd assume they were from the same ecosystem. It was, if you thought about it, quite an amazing place.

Sascha returned to the conversation with Eida, "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Eida sighed loudly, "I was talking about the past. And how you are letting yourself be affected by it."

He sniffed, "Our pasts inform our future."

Eida discreetly rolled her eyes. She turned off the stone path and started walking, slowly, through some of the gardens, taking care not to step on anything. He hesitated for a moment and then followed her. Eida walked in silence for a moment before she came to a small clearing. Then, upon finding a comfortable looking rock, she sat. "Why don't we get to the healing portion of this meeting," she said, all business.

Sascha kept standing, confused, "What are you talking about?"

Eida held her arms out wide and gestured across from her, "Sit."

He shrugged and sat across from her.

The Carthasian settled into a comfortable position, "Meditate with me."

"I...don't really want to."

"This isn't about what you want, Sascha," Eida said calmly. "I've been assigned to you as your healer. Now we can do this the hard way or the easy way."

Nettled by Eida's unusually confrontational manner, Sascha tried to get comfortable as well, but found it difficult to find a position that was comfy on the cold stone ground.

"Would you like help," asked Eida.

Sascha almost said 'no,' that he didn't need help to do something as simple as meditating. But instead he calmed himself and said, "Please."

He closed his eyes and felt the Force flowing through him. Felt it flowing from his toes to the top of his head. Felt it drift from his chest to his fingers. Felt the Force all around him. But instead of pushing himself into the current, he waited until he felt Eida's presence close to his. Her presence was gentle and she guided him deeper into the Force, to a place where his physical body seemed to drift away from him and become less important.

Usually this was a place where he felt at home, but today, like the last few times he had attempted to meditate, it felt like a place that was full of potential danger.

But when he attempted to pull away, it was Eida who pulled him, gently, deeper into the Force. For a moment, he panicked, thinking that Eida was attempting to pull him into the depths of the unknown, but Eidas presence merely wrapped itself around him and calmed him down. Once he was calm again, Sascha sent Eida a wave of thanks through the Force.

What the heck was wrong with him? He'd never had a freakout like that when meditating. It was times like this where he really felt that something major had been broken inside of him. And yet, the most obvious conclusion that he could think of, was that this was a sign from the Force, telling him that he was on the wrong path.

But instead of focusing on that, he decided to focus on the present, letting his mind drift along the currents of the Force under Eida's watchful presence. Sascha was surprised to note how strong Eida's will was. Even through the peaceful meditation it seemed like Eida knew exactly what she was doing and exactly what her place was in the galaxy. It was not anything he'd ever ascribed to Eida, who'd always seemed shy and perhaps lacking confidence. Apparently, that was the old Eida Nascal.

The further one got into a meditation, the less things like time seemed to matter. But it was peaceful. Perhaps the first time since he had returned to Coruscant, he felt at peace.

But it was a feeling that was short lived.

It was not totally uncommon for Jedi to receive visions while meditating. Sascha rarely received any visions from the Force. He'd always thought it had to do with his below average talent in the Force. But today, for whatever reason he got a vision.

It started with a memory from his past. His first Apprentice Tournament. Sascha watched as his younger self flailed about, losing quickly to an opponent that he should have beaten. He remember how distraught he had felt, going back to his friends, who had all won their matches and likely secured their chance at becoming a Padawan, while he had flunked in his chance.

It continued, showing him a memory of when he was a Padawan – on his first mission to Kuat. He was running to his Master's side after she had been wounded. Except in this version of the version of the memory, when he got to her side, Aurine didn't snap back to consciousness like she had, she just laid on the boxes that were propping her up, her breathing slowing. He tried to use the Force to save her...but he failed.

What in the Force is this, a Force Nightmare? He wondered. Badly shaken by that last memory, he at least comforted himself with the fact that he knew that his Master was fine and that memory was false.

Another memory was dredged up for his viewing pleasure, but this one wasn't from a previous memory. He was just outside of his room in the Jedi Temple, when he saw a familiar figure walking towards him.

Tyra.

When she spotted him, Tyra smiled broadly and bounced slightly on her toes. Then she started walking towards him, a smile of desire on her pale face. Sascha felt his heart beating faster. This was like something out of his dreams, Tyra coming back, coming to his room, the next step would be her telling him how much she wanted to be with him...

Then, from out of thin air, a figure in black drove a red lightsaber through her chest from behind.

"Nooooo!" he heard himself yell.

He rushed to Tyra, who had fallen in the middle of the hallway and lay there, motionless. The figure in black, disappeared into thin air as quickly as he materialized. The 0.000001 percent of his mind that was focused on that detail was pretty sure the figure in black was supposed to be Weliss, but this figure seemed to be taller than the Bothan...

But that didn't matter.

By the time he got to Tyra's side, she was staring up at him with lifeless eyes. Sascha felt sick, and if he hadn't been meditating he was sure he would have thrown up. He held Tyra in his arms, as if he somehow could will her back to life. Tears welled in his eyes, and he brushed Tyra's brown hair. He'd always loved her hair...

Through his grief, he heard a dark voice whisper to him, "Her fate will be your fate too, unless you leave the Jedi..."

Sascha yanked himself out of the meditation. He slapped at his chest, to make sure that he was out of the meditation and that he was no longer dreaming or having a nightmare or whatever he had been having. Then he scrambled away from the slowly waking Eida. But not very far. He put his head into his hands and tried to control his rapid breathing.

Eida was quickly by his side. She took him by the shoulders and held him, while he hyperventilated. "It's okay Sascha. Whatever you saw...it wasn't real."

Sascha got a hold of himself quickly, and started to control his breathing. After a couple of moments, he managed it and indicated that Eida could let go of him. "Oh, Force," he said as he sat down, heavily.

"Are you okay, Sascha?"

"I don't think so," he said quietly.

Eida was kneeling over him in a flash, "Where does it hurt?"

Sascha pushed her away, lightly, "I'm fine, physically. Mentally...not so much."

"It's okay, Sascha. We can work on this," said Eida. "What did you see?"

Sascha wasn't about to tell Eida what he had seen, "Perverted memories," he said, choosing an answer that was both true and vague. He shook his head, "I don't think you can make these memories go away, Eida."

"No, and that isn't what I'm going to do," she said calmly.

"Well, maybe we can work on this, but not today," he said, getting up and brushing himself off.

"I'll take you back to your room," Eida offered.

Sascha nodded shakily, "Thanks Eida, I appreciate it."

The two old friends marched silently along the peaceful corridors of the Jedi Temple. Sascha sighed heavily, "I'm sorry you had to see that Eida. I don't know why I am like this. I think I might be done with being a Jedi though."

Eida offered him a comforting look, "Everyone needs help sometimes, Sascha. I've treated everyone from Temple technicians to Jedi Masters, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I believe that you'll be back out there and helping people before you know it. We'll work through this. You'll have as much time as you need. We'll pick this up tomorrow."

Upon reaching the door to his room, Sascha offered his friend a weak smile, but didn't make a further comment.