Note: Oh my, an update! I don't want to give you false hope, I'm not on 'daily updates' mode. I know there'll be one tomorrow more than certainly but then I'm leaving for a few days and I don't know if I'll be able to write there.
Random questions answering because these keep coming up in PM:
- yes, Lithium will be updated, I don't know when
- yes, Lionheart will be updated, same as above
- no, I'm not a guy
- yes, I'm on Facebook and yes you can see my pic there, I've got nothing to hide, just PM me and I'll add you, but I think it's OBVIOUS I wouldn't put my real name in my profile here
- yes, there will be other multichaptered fics to come
Matt
We went back to the hotel after Mihael dragged me in possibly all the chocolate stores of Ku' Damm.
I didn't even know if he would be allowed to bring so much chocolate in his luggage back to LA.
I should have known better, he ate half of it before we even left Berlin.
I was smoking a cigarette, stood at the border of the terrasse of our hotel room, when Mihael joined me and encircled my waist from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder.
"I wonder how my parents will react." I said, more to myself than to get an answer.
"At least you don't mean to hide it from them." Mihael whispered in my ear, nipping at my lobe softly.
I hadn't seen it that way. Of course I was going to tell my parents, there was no way I wouldn't tell them. They liked Mihael and they already knew my feelings for him anyway, and even if they didn't, I know I could tell them anything. Even if they had no clue I liked a guy, it wouldn't change anything: I knew they would accept it.
It made me want to integrate Mihael even more to my family, to invite him over and such, because my parents were all he wished his were, and I wanted him to feel accepted and loved. And my mother was the best at that.
"I may still feel uncomfortable concerning sex with you but I'm totally in peace with my feelings for you." I replied.
Mihael apparently appreciated it because he imperceptibly held me tighter.
I crushed my cigarette in the ashtray and we both went inside. The day had worn us out and we needed some rest after all the events (and sex).
I got naked and slid under the sheets after a quick teeth brushing, while Mihael took his turn in the bathroom.
When he came back near the bed and began to undress, I couldn't help but stare. He probably felt it because he turned to me, shirtless in his leather pants. I think that's how I liked him best, his toned abs showing, his long legs moulded as well as his perfectly round ass, his hair slightly tousled.
He grinned and resumed undressing, exaggerating his moves, making them extremely slow. When he was completely naked, back to me, he took a shy and cute expression, and peered over his shoulder.
"Do you like what you see?" he acted.
I laughed out loud. It sounded so false coming from him.
"I like what I see, but damn, you're incredibly bad at playing shy, I can't believe it one second Mihael, you're way too self conscious about how hot you look to make it work."
He chuckled and climbed on the bed on all four, his look turning to predatory.
"More credible?" he asked, after giving me the wettest and wildest kiss I've ever gotten.
"Huh... yeah... yeah..." was all I could reply, "I... yeah..." I sighed, unable to be coherent, much to Mihael's amusement. Damn, I was hard once again.
"I'm that good." he stated, smirking. And modest too...
He resumed kissing me, and soon things heated, as they always did.
After some playing and kissing, I ended up on top of Mihael, my lower body settled between his legs. We were still engaged in a hot lips sucking and tongue flirting together when I began to move my hips, my cock rubbing against his.
I slid against the sheets and my member ended up against Mihael's butt, but I didn't really mind at that point. I was practically dry humping him. He stiffened but that was about all. I rose on my elbows to reach his chest and proceeded to lick and suck on his tits, earning some pleasured moans from Mihael whose member, trapped between us both, was beginning to pulse with the friction. He came not long after, his semen running down his scrotum because of the position we were in. I increased the speed of my dry humping, feeling myself close too.
And then, accidentally, because of the liquid making things slippery, just as I came my cock slid between his butt cheeks and the tip entered him.
"OW!" he shouted, immediately sitting.
"I'm sorry!" I was mortified, I hadn't meant to!
"I know... but damn, it hurts!... Hey, it's ok, don't look so alarmed, I'm fine now." he kissed me, chuckling at my expression.
"That's exactly why I'm afraid, I was sure that it hurts like a bitch!" I replied.
"Well, it hurts when you're not prepared, that's all, don't feel so bad about it! But that doesn't mean I'll take bottom sweetheart." Mihael laughed.
"I wasn't thinking about it, believe me. Top or bottom, I just can't..." That was true, it was not a matter of taking it up the ass or being the one to give, I couldn't even give Mihael a blowjob so the rest was out of the question even more. But what if someday I could accept the idea of a real intercourse with him only if I could top?
"You wouldn't even take bottom for me?" I asked.
"I don't think so. It's just not me, I'm more of an active than a passive." Mihael replied genuinely, but it hurt me to know he wouldn't do it for me.
I stood up and cleaned myself in the bathroom before going back to bed. Doing the same, Mihael then proceeded to down another of the chocolate boxes he had bought, the one supplied by the hotel long gone.
He probably noticed by my lasting silence that I was somehow sulking.
"You're mad at me because I was being sincere with you?" he asked.
"I'm not mad, I'm hurt because if the sexual side of our relationship depended on you taking bottom, you wouldn't do that for me." I said, more coldly than I really wanted to.
He sighed but didn't reply.
Mello
Why should I go against what I was for this relationship to work? God, I had enough of people wanting to change me!
We stayed silent for quite some time after those last words, but I was ruminating. Even the chocolates didn't appeal to me anymore.
"Why are we talking like if I would have to take bottom anyway, you can't even accept the idea of penetration, be it me or you getting it, so there's no point to this conversation." I probably should have shut up...
"Because I need to know what will happen, because I'm afraid, because you're obviously not taking this relationship as seriously as I am after all? Choose the answer you want, for what you care anyway!" Mail jumped out of bed, put his jeans on, and slid the glass door open. A few seconds later he was smoking on the terrace, and I was feeling awful.
How could he think I didn't care? I had my doubts too, but I cared. More than that, I loved him.
I slid in my pants and walked to the terrace. I didn't have the time to get to him that he turned to face me and his look stopped me cold. The last time he had looked at me like this was the night when I had taken Annie's place and sucked him off, and he had looked so lost and dephased in the parking lot, just before he drove away.
The same look that meant he wanted to trust me but was losing this trust because I had done something really bad. Except that this time, I didn't see what I said as 'really bad'. Hurtful maybe, but sincere, and not that terrible anyway.
No. No, I didn't want that look, that just couldn't happen. I wanted to talk, but I didn't know what to say. I didn't even have time to think of something to say, because Mail forestalled me. "What tells me you're not just trying to win a bet like you did before? Let's get into Mail's pants once again, and possibly fuck him, huh? Is that why you don't want to take bottom? Maybe you've played with me all along, and I was stupid enough to fall for you!"
What? Where did this overreaction come from? I had expected some kind of confrontation, argument, whatever, but not that! Ok, it was probably building somewhere in a corner of his mind from the beginning, and the circumstances just made it get out but still, if he was hurt, then what was I myself now? Believing I could be playing when I had proven him I had been sincere, I just couldn't believe my ears.
"I tried to become a girl for you, I've let down my guard and refrained my libido to give you time to get over things, I... how can you?" It couldn't be possible, I was hallucinating, I just couldn't accept that it was going that far when there was nothing it could be coming from. It was just surreal and left me out of words.
He sat on a chair, head bowed, an elbow resting on the table. I knew he was thinking hard.
"Why do you always come first? Why do you only see your side of things? Do you want me to count all I've done for you? It that where we're getting to? I'm straight Mihael, I'm so fucking straight and yet I love a guy, how can you believe it's just a matter of refraining your libido until I get over it, as you say?"
Mail stood up again and walked until he faced me close. "I need certitudes, this is the way I am. It makes me sick to think I cannot please you completely. If I just had to snap my fingers to accept to take bottom then I'd gladly do it Mihael, but it's not that easy. Nothing is that easy between us, it has never been, and we're not at all aiming at an easy future either, by the look of things."
I was letting the words sink in, unable to reply. Whatever I said could lead us to break up, and I didn't want to take the risk, so I just shut up, staring at him helpless.
He was partly right, I was quite the type to make things go my way (ok, completely the type) but still, I didn't understand how we had reached that point. At that moment I was totally unable to understand his train of thoughts so there was nothing I could say to him, nothing that could solve the problem, because I didn't know what the problem was. So I just stared back in silence, devastated that our relationship went from taking it slow in perfect harmony to this mess of arguments, doubts and shouting in no time, and for apparently no reason.
And suddenly I had things to say. I had understood, and I exploded.
"Why are you acting like a dick right now Mail? Tell me what could lead you to such statements like me wanting to win a bet, or not caring about you, or even thinking it was easy for you? When did I give you the tiniest hint that I could be playing you? And taking our past together into account is no fair game, so don't you even try! I won't let you get away with all this shit you said or even ruin our relationship Mail, I won't lose you for something as stupid as your fears about our future if you throw them at my face for no reason all of a sudden, when you never tried to tell me before. I'm able to understand, and even make things better, if you let me, but using the fact I hurt you with a truthful answer to get rid of all the rest of what's bugging you is uncalled for! I have feelings too, in case you forgot, I'm not your punching ball when you need to vent about our relationship! So whether you decide to explain things to me so we can solve them, or you realise you went too far, take back what you said and tell you're sorry is up to you, but those are the only options you have. Breaking up with me or running away is out of the question, is that clear?"
Ok, I was doing exactly what Mail was reproaching me, that is to say making things go my way, since I only gave him two choices and wouldn't accept that he took a decision outside of the boundaries I had just set, but I was infuriated. I knew that everything had happened too fast these last days, not letting Mail the time to process things and think them out like he's used to, and this was the result of it. But he had to count with me now, he could talk to me when things went out of hand in his brain, because we would never step forward otherwise, or he could ask me for some time alone to think. But I couldn't let him react like this when his thoughts went into overdrive, that was not acceptable. He had hurt me deeply, trying to get rid of his fears by throwing them at my face like this, I know he didn't really mean what he said, he was in defensive mode, he had always blocked me out when he couldn't handle me or the results of my actions before, and somehow tried to hurt me like I had hurt him. The problem was that it was on a totally different level, it was like burning someone to death in reaction to a bite.
His last words didn't mean he was thinking of breaking up, actually, he was testing me. He was afraid to lose me as much as I was to lose him, and probably wanted to know how far he could go, how hard he could push me, to see where the limit was, the one that, once reached, really meant it was over.
Hopefully I would be right. I was still afraid that things turned bad though, since Mail was staying silent.
And then he broke up in tears.
"You won't leave me, right?" he asked, and oh, the look he gave me... he was scared, really scared. I had mostly understood where he came from, but had obviously missed something.
I took him into my arms, I wanted to comfort him but this fear emanating from him, I didn't understand.
"Of course not. But we need to talk. You need to tell me what's wrong, because there's obviously something that triggered your sudden fit of anger." I stroked his hair, waiting for him to calm down.
I let him smoke a cigarette quietly before we went back inside.
I brought coffee and chocolates, and we snuggled against the pillows. Now we could talk.
"I'm gonna take both options and first tell you that I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said, I was just... I have let my fears take over but I admit it was uncalled for. Second, I'll explain why... it's just... it sounds stupid now but I'm afraid to lose you, all the time. I can't get past it, it's always bugging me somewhere between all happy moments, I'm perfectly well and suddenly I think about it and I get carried away in negative ideas and it's driving me crazy. I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid that it made you think about what I could say and lead you to decide my thoughts were right and we shouldn't be together, or think I was stupid and not worth being with you, I don't know... I know it all sounds completely dumb right now..."
Matt
I felt so utterly idiotic saying all these things. It seemed so out of purpose compared to my reaction earlier, I really had lost it I guess. But it was true, I was scared shitless to lose Mihael. I had thought that my main fear was to be unsure that he would stay in the US after we graduated, but once this doubt erased, the real problems surfaced. I was still straight, I felt straight, and having a boyfriend didn't change it, I didn't feel gay at all. I felt like a purely straight guy fighting to love someone whose gender didn't correspond to his inclination on a physical level and even if I felt attraction for him, when it came to the real thing I was dragging my feet because my body couldn't, didn't want to go that far. Even trying to talk myself into it didn't work. And I was scared that Mihael would have enough at some point and got tired of it. He didn't have to cope with my doubts after all, he was already well served himself with what he dealt with on a daily basis concerning his homosexuality.
It would be easier to think he left me because he was playing me than because of me, because I couldn't give him what he wanted. Or so I thought, but I knew that whatever led us to break up it would be terribly painful. I don't even think I could ever live with it.
Mihael listened to me all the time it took for me to explain, without a word.
When I had nothing left to say, I looked at him, awaiting his reaction. He was looking back at me but I couldn't read his expression. I didn't know if it was good or bad and I was starting to panic. Maybe I should have just apologized and nothing more. Maybe I had made things worse by explaining all these stupid fears...
"I'm really happy you could finally get this out, and none of it makes a difference to what I feel, I know that you need to hear that, so I want to reassure you on that point, I would be more anxious if you actually had no doubts about our future because it would mean you take things lightly, so to me your fears are just a proof that you're as much involved in our relationship as I am. But I think I have to be completely honest in response of all of what you said. I have doubts too actually, and to be fair I guess I'd better tell them out loud too so we clear everything up tonight.
The reason why I don't want to take bottom is not only because I don't feel it. It's true that I'm more of a giver than a receiver, but to be honest, I'd still have a lingering doubt about you and the way you see me if you fucked me and not the other way round. Like, I would always wonder if when you shut your eyes you wish I'm a girl..."