Note: Last update before tuesday I think, since I'm leaving in a few hours for my native town (bleh). I hope you enjoy this chapter, seems I lost a lot of readers by not updating for so long aha XD
That's all my fault anyway.
Four of you asked me for music suggestions while reading TSFMS. I'm quite embarrassed since music tastes are so different from a person to another so you may not like what I suggest, so I'll simply tell you what I listen to 99% of the time when I write: ONE OK ROCK. Lately, their new album Zankyou Reference, even if I usually have their full discography playing. 'Mr Gendai Speaker' rules ^^

Matt
I hadn't seen this coming.
I was feeling extremely oversensitive right now, on the verge of tears. I had unleashed all this shit on Mihael for no other reason than that I was overwhelmed by my doubts and couldn't handle them properly, and I had never ever thought that he could have insecurities too, in this relationship.
I guess I still see him like the guy under control all the time. Well, he kinda is, since he never voiced his doubts and did with them, but still, I was feeling like shit right now.
And thinking about what he said, the fact that if we didn't doubt anything it would mean we weren't involved seriously as a couple didn't comfort me to the slightest especially because I was bad at coping with relationship problems.
But I knew he was right, if I was able to put myself in that state, it was because the terrible way I handled things was proportional to the importance of Mihael to me. I even suspected that I was unable to analyse the situation because I was so focused on him all the time that I just couldn't think straight.

And I began to laugh at that realisation. It was more of a nervous breakdown at first, but it was still funny, even if we were fighting a few minutes ago, even if the matter was serious. Mihael stared at me puzzled because I obviously looked like I was about to cry and now I was laughing out loud. Talk about looking like I lost my mind...

"Mail? Are you ok?" Mihael touched my shoulder, and I hugged him, making us fall back on the bed.
"This is all your fault." I laughed harder.
"What?" Mihael withdrew from me, resting on his elbow. He was trying to understand but he obviously failed, I couldn't blame him, it all seemed like I was psychotic.
"What's happening, the argument, this is all your fault Mihael!" I tried to calm down but Mihael's face was priceless, not knowing if he should laugh with me or be angry.
He sat on the bed and crossed him arms, frowning.

I sat too, facing him, and grabbed his face between my palms to plant a kiss on his lips.
"Don't pull such a face! You should be flattered!" I said, exhaling loudly to be able to form coherent sentences so I could explain before he got really mad, I could feel him boiling.
"I should be flattered to be responsible for us fighting?" He cocked an eyebrow, not really getting me.
"Mihael, you know I need to analyse things all the time, so I can understand them, and my mind processes them and kind of... classifies them. And once they're in order, I feel better. But you're just too beautiful, sexy, smart, caring, everything! I can't think straight since we're together! All I think about is you, all I see is you, all I wantto think about is you. Thus the mess concerning all the rest in my mind." I explained, dead serious, "You don't need an ego boost and I'm quite afraid of how your already very self assured self will react to that, but it's really all your fault, and it probably will happen again, and even if I'm sorry for that in advance, I'm afraid that my neurones can't compete with the feeling of being with you."

Mihael was looking at his hands in his lap, sat crisscrossed. Actually, I had never seen him shy. And this time he wasn't acting, and it didn't look fake. He was really embarrassed.
He glanced at me, and even with only the dim light of the bedside lamp, I could see he was blushing. Mihael was blushing? Wow. Hum... It was cute. Sexy. Unexpected. But sexy (did I say it already?). Actually, it turned me on. In a totally different way than usual. I was taken aback.

"Mihael?" I asked, not really knowing what to do at that point since he was staying silent.
"It did give me an ego boost." He whispered, "But it's... fuck... Mail I... I've always wished to find someone that would love me for what I am, that would accept me exactly as I am, and even if it's quite pretentious to say, someone whose center of the world would be me. And then it's happening, and I realise I may not be able to keep up with your standards, I mean, I don't feel as good as you seem to see me..."
I cut him off.
"Not being able to keep up with my standards? Mihael are you crazy? What does it say about me then? I know I'm cute, ok, but there wasn't much in me that you could love, remember how I was back to last year? No standard can keep up with youMihael, and not the opposite!"

I couldn't believe Mihael was doubting himself now. It was Mihael damnit! Not some random dude! It was Mr Badass himself! It was just not right!
Hmm... Looked like I had the same effect on him that he had on me. What a mess we were as a couple...

"So basically, we're not able to cope with the other's awesomeness." I stated blankly, trying to look serious.
This time it was Mihael who burst into laughters.

I suddenly felt more confident with my relationship with Mihael than I had been the last days. I had never doubted the fact I was madly in love with him, but I was now putting everything that wasn't the present aside. I didn't feel the urge to analyse things anymore, I had this growing feeling in my gut that the important thing was now, was Mihael, my mind was giving up the fight, because, and it took me long to understand it tonight, it wasn't a matter of reason. I was trying to put words on the feelings I had, but I had never felt anything similar so my brain couldn't relate them to anything I had ever lived before. And it was such a waste of time and energy! Because instead of understanding and categorizing them so they could be in the right place in my head, I had to let them out, no matter if they had a name or not!

That's why my slowly growing physical need for Mihael had taken me aback. I could feel my body awake but in a totally different way than in the previous sexual activities we had had. It wasn't just the will to relieve a sexual tension, or exploring how far I could go, or being attracted to Mihael, if this appealed to me or that repulsed me or scared me, I was way past that level right now.

Mihael seemed taken aback by my expression as well, because his eyes widened slightly as he looked at me, when I took him into my arms and laid him on his back on the mattress very carefully.

Mello
We weren't out of this mess for sure, since we were both so in love that we blew each other's mind, and it wasn't the best way to think things out. But at least we could talk, and that was much. I could keep emotions inside better than Mail so I would make sure I would speak to him enough so he didn't explode like tonight on a regular basis, I hoped I could help him express himself before he reached his limit, as well as express myself instead of hiding my fears.

Right now though, laid on the bed with Mail above me, his right hand cupping my face, his other arm holding my shoulders, I was unable to react. The atmosphere had become weird all of a sudden. Oh, not a negative kind of weird, but I don't know...
Maybe it was in the way he looked me in the eyes, his fingers lightly caressing my cheek, the faint smile on his lips and the intensity of his pupils, but I couldn't move an inch.
He kissed me so tenderly, it was almost surreal. Not that he was rough usually, but it was different. I brought my hand to his face, I needed to touch him. I traced the contour of his lips, his jaw, up to his cheekbone, and he grabbed my hand then. He kissed the back of it, then the palm, and entwined our fingers together, holding me close.
He kept on looking at me straight in the eyes, still with that expression I knew, but couldn't place. I had seen it, not on him, but I had seen it.
His kisses became deeper, his caresses bolder, all like in slow motion, with a tenderness that reduced me to a puppet in his arms. He was still holding me close with his left arm, but I wouldn't have moved anyway, he was totally in control, leading the exchange, and all I could do was respond to his kisses and hold on to him, not wanting him to stop or let me go.

At some point we were kissing so passionately, our bodies totally entangled, that I accidentally touched the tiny switch of the bedside lamp near the bed with my elbow and we were plunged in the dark all of a sudden.
Mail raised a hand and fumbled to light it back on.
I looked at him questioningly, it didn't matter if there was light or not, I thought.
He smiled. "Leave the light on, I want to see the man I love when I kiss him", and Mail kissed me deeply.

I suddenly felt the change that had occurred in him. I couldn't really explain, I wasn't in a state that allowed me to think clearly, but I knew something was different and his choice of words wasn't innocent. He said 'the man I love', not 'the one', not 'Mihael', not 'you'.
His actions didn't let me explore that change further, emotionally speaking, because physically speaking...

"...When I caress him...", His hand descended along my side as he said it, "when I... devour... him...", his words punctuated the nips and licks he left on my chest, slowly lowering until he was plunging his tongue in my navel, then softly biting my hip, "and when I..."

Holy fucking shit!
I felt the flat of his tongue run from my balls to the tip of my cock, and I went from half hard to fully erected in no time. The rush of blood was almost painful.
I didn't expect him to do that. He had been so reluctant that I was really stunned. The surprise didn't last long though because soon he was swallowing me completely, sucking and bobbing his head, and I was unable to process any coherent thought after that.

Matt
I didn't think, nor did I hesitate once Mihael's half erected member was under my nose. I hadn't planned this, but I wanted this now. I wasn't repulsed, I didn't think it was weird, no, nothing like that. I was even excited at the thought of giving him oral, and when I tentatively licked him, and felt him go harder, my own dick reacted the same. So I took him completely in my mouth, and did my best to please him. I certainly wondered at some point if I was doing well since it was the first time for me, but I tried to remember how I liked it, and not to use my teeth, and it seemed ok.
His moans were so erotic that I was turned on like I had never been.

I glanced between my bangs, and the sight that met my eyes... Mihael was on his elbows, looking at me, his hair falling over his face, his swollen lips parted, his eyes half lidded and his chest heaving, his breath catching in his throat from time to time. He was so fucking gorgeous...
So fucking gorgeous that I wanted to take him. Yeah, top him, penetrate him, make love to him, you understood right. So much that I came without even touching myself.
I was coming down from my orgasm, pumping Mihael's member with my hand slowly, we were looking at each other and I couldn't begin to understand the rush of feelings all of a sudden, why this change in my mind... but I forced my brain to shortcut its analysis because it wasn't the right time or place, and I had a stunning man to take care of, which was way more interesting. Plus those feelings scared the shit out of me so... better not take them into account, we had had our share of drama tonight.

And I remembered what he said, and I knew I couldn't do that anyway, I mean, top him. But I still couldn't bring myself to be bottom. I was not so sure anymore that I didn't want it, actually, I think I was integrating the idea. But I wasn't ready yet. I knew that only fear and inexperience was stopping me now and nothing more, no repulsion or feeling that it was not for me or else. I had hope, I knew I could make love with him completely someday, but still I needed to take some time and think, when I would have this time, that is.

Yeah, he was so beautiful, and so looking at my every move that I became very self conscious of what I was doing.
Mihael brought a hand to my hair, stroking it lightly, smiling so sweetly at me... When he let his guard down completely, Mihael was actually the sweetest person ever. He was tender, passionate, kind, caring... you'd never expect.
I speeded my moves, hand, tongue, lips, full mouth, because I wanted to hear him moan again, more... he was panting, gripping the sheets, his voice giving me the sexiest sounds ever.
"Mail... I'm close... just in case you don't want to..." he warned me, articulating with difficulty.
Did I want to swallow? Hum...
I hadn't really decided yet, when he came a few second later, so he shot half in my mouth, and the rest on my hand. After the initial shock of the first time, I swallowed, it wasn't that bad. Bitter, but ok. I really thought it would be a bigger deal but no, actually I kinda liked it. Not the taste itself, but the fact it was like sharing something more with him, knowing more of him...

I grabbed a towel left forgotten near the bed to swipe his cum on my hand and my own on my thigh, and threw it away, then I came back to Mihael, he looked knocked out. Spacing out even. He looked at me like he was lost.
"You ok?" I asked, a bit concerned that something was wrong, kissing him on the forehead.
He straightened in a seated position, brushing his hair away from his face.
"Mail." He simply said and smiled.
It shocked me how his usually sharp icy eyes looked like calm water right now. Even his jawline had lost some of its angularity.

I leaned and kissed him. "Yeah?"
He was still limp in my arms, but suddenly encircled my waist and held on to me so strongly, burying his face in the crook of my neck, that I began to worry even more.
"Mihael, what's wrong?" I whispered in his ear, kissing his temple.
"Nnfff" was all I got as a reply.
I withdrew to be able to see his face, but he wasn't crying like I thought he would be, he was still smiling, looking completely high.
"Nothing." he repeated under my questioning gaze. Chuckling, he added: "I just want to be cuddled."

I couldn't help but laugh, laying on my back, pulling him to me and covering us with the sheets as I finally switched the light off.
Mihael drifted to sleep very fast, which didn't surprise me since he looked like all his fire had left him. And emotionally speaking, he had had his share today.
Oh, me too, but well, I had a lot to think about... which would probably wait later... tomorrow... or another day, as I fell asleep before I could even know where to begin with all that was rushing in my mind.