A/N: Thank you for the readers following my story and also for the reviews.
There are no words to tell you guys how terribly sorry I am for the lack of updates. I decided to transfer back to Gauteng and it is 450km from where I live now. Finishing off my current job, finding a house, arranging the furniture to be moved, new schools, insurance and I'm certain a few more things that I will probably remember when it's too late, is taking up a lot of my time. I have another 4-5 weeks before I have to be in Gauteng, so I will try and update as much as possible on all three stories.
Your patience for a couple of weeks will be greatly appreciated.
Also, I'm trying to figure out how to tell Ana what Elena did to Christian at 15 without her going all Ana on her. In order for Ana to help her deal with her issues, they need to at least be on speaking terms. Any ideas welcome.
Important: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to the very talented E.L. James.
Ana POV:
"Say that again?" he asks as if he heard wrong. I don't get his reaction at all.
"I've never had sex before," I say again and I can feel his anger now. This is so not how I imagined this night ending at all.
"You're a virgin?" Oh for fuck sakes.
"Yes, Christian. I've never had sex before is the definition for virgin. Why are you angry?" Shocked, yes, that I could understand. But angry?
"I'm not angry, but I'm not the kind of man you want to give your virginity to, Anastasia. I can't…it's not right… I'm sorry… I think it will be best if you rather go." He already has his phone in his hand and types something at record speed. When he looks up, I know there is no point discussing it with him. My virginity is a deal breaker for him and I can feel my eyes burn with tears that I refuse to let fall. I was prepared to accept him as he is. Even with all the shit that comes with him. But he is not prepared to look beyond me being a virgin. Well fuck him. He can continue to have his fucking subs and contracts and shit. I was so not prepared for that response. "Anastasia, it's not…" Really, he is going to start with the same bullshit line used in movies and by every living male looking of an easy out.
"Let me guess, Christian. It's not me, it's you. How comforting. Thank you for clearing that up for me. Let me clear something up for you, Sir." I say as I stand up. "Just because I have not slept with half of Seattle and making it seem acceptable because of a signed contract, I'm not good enough? Well, you can go to hell! I will not stand here and listen to bullshit clichés because you are not man enough to just admit what the fuck your real problem is. Have a good life and please stay the fuck out of mine. I will decline Elliot's invitation for dinner tomorrow myself, no need to worry about seeing me tomorrow or any time in the near future." When I walk away, he says nothing and does not even try to stop me and it really hurts. Taylor is standing in front of the doors with my handbag in his hand and a sad expression on his usual impassive face. He doesn't even have the manners to walk me out himself.
The ride down to the parking area is uncomfortable for both of us. The first couple of floors where fine, but when we get to the seventh floor, I remember the kiss and the tears start to fall. Taylor hands me a handkerchief without even looking my way, for which I'm grateful. Halfway to my apartment, I decide that a change of plans is in order. I could also do with another drink, not that I'm sure I should.
"Taylor, please take me to Trinity. Do you know where it is?" I ask before I lose my nerve.
"Yes, Ms. Steele."
"One more thing, please can you do me a huge favour? Give this to Christian and tell him to listen to number fifteen. When he's done, please can you give it to Elliot tomorrow evening? I will get it from him." I'm still crying, but what the hell. I was just told that I wasn't good enough by Christian while the entire evening was going so well.
At the club I get out quickly before Taylor get to my door and look at him. What this man must have seen while working for Christian was probably ten times worse than whatever he witnessed tonight.
"Tell him to go fuck himself. Thank you for bringing me here. I will catch a ride home with Elliot. Take care, Taylor." I say and head into the club.
Christian POV:
Well, as expected, I fucked it up. I did not however expect it to be on the first day, but I have always been an over achiever. I knew I couldn't do hearts and flowers, but for her I really would have tried. I simply can't take her virginity knowing that I will most likely break her heart eventually. For a woman, her virginity is sacred and is given to someone special. I'm definitely no one special and I also don't see myself having a relationship with no sex, especially with Anastasia. Most of my thoughts are of how it will be to be inside her, to feel her naked skin against mine.
Fuck! A virgin. I did not see that coming. That woman screams sex in everything she does. The way she plays with her hair, the way she bites her lip and even the way she dances.
But I let her leave. No, I pissed her off and basically told her to get the fuck out of my apartment by summonsing Taylor. What the hell must she be thinking right now? I know that I will never get her out of my head and now I chased her out of my home. I chased her out and possibly right into the arms of that special someone who will get her precious gift.
I couldn't even watch her leave. I continued to stare at the Seatle skyline and closed my eyes to keep myself from calling her back. Letting her leave was… hard. When the elevator doors finally closed after what felt like hours, I fell onto the couch and here I sit… alone. I could be sitting here with Ana.
What the fuck was I thinking?
I crab my phone just as Taylor walks back into the apartment.
"Is she okay?" Of course she's not, but I didn't want to start with demanding her whereabouts.
"She's upset, Sir. She was crying until just before we reached the club." He answers, but all I'm seeing is an upset Ana in a fucking BDSM club.
"Which club?" I spit out.
"Trinity, Sir. She is meeting up with your brother and some friends." Oh, well, that's not too bad. But she is still upset and might get drunk and…
"Did she say anything?" I ask and he hands me an iPod.
"She said to listen to number fifteen." Okay.
"Was that all? I don't like playing twenty questions, Taylor." Why does he keep on waiting for me to ask him everything? Can't he just give me a rundown like he normally does?
"No, Sir. She also… well… she said to tell you…to…" I hold up my hand. I don't need him to tell me what she said. By the way he can't repeat it, I know what she said.
"To go fuck myself." He lifts a brow in confusion, "It's not the first time, but it will probably be the last." And the thought saddens me. Fuck I'm pathetic. Even the thought that she won't insult me again makes me sad.
I dismiss Taylor and immediately place Ana's iPod in the docking station while turning the volume much higher to what I normally play music. The song starts and I sit down on the couch and close my eyes.
I wanna smash your fears
And get drunken of your tears,
Don't you share your smile
With anyone else but me.
Okay, that does not sound too bad. If it wasn't for this one big thing, I would not share my smile with anyone accept her… ever.
I wanna touch your heart
I wanna crush it in my hands
Make you plead and cry
As you give up all the lies
My eyes snap open and I somehow know that I won't like where this song is going.
We're not lovers, but more than friends
Put a flame to every single word you ever said
No more crying to get me through
I'll keep dancing 'till the morning with somebody new.
Ohhhhh, fuck. Is that why she went to the club? To 'get over me' and move on? My thoughts are confirmed by the next words of the song that's starting to severely piss me off.
Tonight I'm getting over you
Tonight I'm getting over you
Tonight I'm getting over you
Tonight I'm getting over you
Over you, over you, over
Before the girl can finish another 'over you' I've reached the docking station and Ana's iPod goes flying through the air, docking station and all. Not even looking to see where it lands, I crab my keys and wallet from the counter and storm out. There is no way in hell I will let you get over me with someone else. If she really wants me, she can have me… all fucked up inch of me. Even if I pushed her away, I don't want her to get over me. I want her to think of me. I want her to dream of me. I want her to want me. I want her. It's as simple as that. I want Anastasia Steele… no matter what. What seemed like a big thing for me earlier, don't seems so big to me right now. Taking my past into consideration, I should thank my lucky stars that she even gives me her time. And miraculously, she wants me. At the end of the day, isn't that all that matters?
"What the fuck did you do?" I hear Elliot almost scream in my ear when I phone him to confirm that Ana is still there. "Any chances of me being with Kate tonight got ruined because I'm standing here defending you and I don't even know what the fuck you did."
"I was an idiot. Is she still there?"
"Yes, but she does not want to see you in the near or distant future. She's angry, Christian. I don't mean angry-angry, but hurt-angry and that is ten times worse for a woman. I've seen a lot of woman hurt before, and I'm telling you, Ana has been badly hurt by whatever dumb thing you did or said." I do not need him to tell me this.
"Elliot, I know I was an idiot, I don't need you to make it worse. I do need you to keep Ana at the club until I get there."
"You're coming here? I'm not sure that's a good idea, Bro."
"For fuck sakes, just keep her there, Elliot." I disconnect and speed up to get to the club as soon as possible.
When I get into the club and start searching for Elliot, I find Ana first. She is dancing with Maya, Kate, Elliot and Jose. Jackson must still be in Portland. As I approach them, I see Jose leaning over to say something to Ana and she laughs with her hand on his back. I don't know if she is doing it for support or out of affection, but I don't give a fuck, I don't like it. I walk up to them and go to stand behind Ana, careful not to touch her until we have spoken. When she immediately stops dancing, I know she can feel my presence. It's amazing that we are so aware of each other. Kate is shooting daggers at me so I guess Ana told her what happened between us. Since the idea of an NDA has never crossed my mind, I can't really be upset about that. Elliot does not look to happy with my presence either, but I'm not here for them, I'm here to get Ana.
She turns slowly and then walks right past me to a table close to the dance floor. I follow her and sit down while she continues to ignore me. She has not even glanced in my direction yet. Even in the bad light I can see that she has cried and I feel a pain in my chest at the thought that I'm responsible for those tears.
"Anastasia, please can we talk in private?" I ask as I reach for her hand on the table. She quickly pulls her hand away and looks around us.
"We are in private. What do you want, Christian?" She spits out and I forgot how hot pissed Ana is.
"I just want to talk to you, but not in here." I sound pathetic.
"I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to listen to anything you have to say. I'm sorry I don't live up to the high standards, or rather low morals, of Christian Grey, but I will not feel bad about it for one second longer. You actually have some cheek you know? You made me feel like I'm not good enough just because you fucked countless women who have been fucked by several other men." I never thought about it like that. But it's not her words that get to me the most, it's her tone. There is no emotion in her voice.
"Ana, please. I know I fucked up. We could go back to Escala or to your place. Please, just hear me out. Just let me apologize and I will never bother you again." She looks at the dance floor before getting up and I'm trying to figure out if I will have to leave Seattle or the country in order to ensure that I keep my promise of never bothering her again.
"Let me just tell Kate."
When we are in the R8, I look at her with my hands on the steering wheel.
"Where would you like to go?" I don't care either way. I'm just glad she is letting me talk to her.
"To Escala. At least there I can leave when I've heard enough." She says, staring out the window.
We drive in silence. She refuses to look at me and I keep my eyes on the road. I don't know how to make this right, but I have to. I have to find the words to fix this by myself as there is no time to phone John. When we arrive at Escala, she stares at the elevator as if she is afraid to get in. No doubt thinking about the last time we were in here together.
"I won't touch you, Ana." I hold the door open for her and she gets in just to stand as far away from me as possible in this small space. How much things have changed in less than a handful of hours. I already felt like shit and this is not helping. My chest feels as if someone is standing on top of it. I would really like to just touch her or at least hold her hand, but I told her that I wouldn't, so instead I put both hands in my pants pockets and let my head fall back with my eyes closed. Divine intervention… that's what I should be praying for. I don't know what the right words are that I should say to her. Standing like this does not help with the pull between us, but it stops me from going to her. The pull seems to be even more intense in the small space of the elevator and I relish in the feeling, not knowing if I will ever experience it again.
When we reach the penthouse, Ana all but sprints out of the elevator with a loud sigh and we are greeted by Taylor who does not look surprised to see Ana storming out in front of me. I shouldn't be, but I'm glad that I seem to affect her just like she does me. When we walk into the great room, the docking station is nowhere to be found and Ana's iPod, that seems to have survived the crash, is on the table where the docking station was. There is now a vase with yellow roses next to the iPod.
She points to the iPod while looking at me, "I take it you listened to the song?"
"Some of it. At first, I thought it might be a nice song… turns out that I hate it," I say as I walk to the kitchen to get something to drink. When I turn, she is sitting at the breakfast bar. I frown but sit down next to her.
"It's closer to the door," she says as I hand her a glass of wine and it actually hurts me to think that she doesn't want to be here with me right now. I don't like this feeling at all. All these new emotions and shit is confusing and overwhelming and I can see my monthly bill from John increase dramatically.
"Ana, I'm so sorry for my behaviour earlier. There is no excuse for treating you like I did. Please will you find it in your heart to forgive me? I want you in my life Ana, even if it is just as… a friend," I say and I'm sure even my eyes are pleading with her.
"I don't understand why you were angry with me about the fact that I'm a virgin. I know that you are used to more… experienced woman, but I'm not ashamed of it. I just didn't feel enough for a man before to give it to him and then you… I thought… I," She stops, but I have to know what is going through her head. Maybe if I'm lucky, I have a shot at fixing whatever I broke.
"You thought what, Ana?" I ask and she looks down at the glass in her hand, twirling the stem with her fingers.
"I actually thought that… well, that I… that you might be happy. Not happy happy, but… at least pleased. I didn't think you would react the way you did. It took me by surprise and it hurt me. No man has ever been able to make me feel so… hurt and rejected." She says and I think about it that way for the first time. She has never been with a man. No one has ever seen her like that. If we do this, I'll be her first. I will always be her first. That actually makes me smile. No matter what happens, I will always have a place in her heart.
"I am happy about that, Ana. I was an idiot earlier. I'm sorry about hurting you and making you feel rejected." She relaxes for the first time and look up into my eyes. "It came as a shock, that's all."
"What do you want from me, Christian?" she asks sounding exhausted and dejected. "I don't want to play games and I don't want to sit here any longer trying to work out what you are thinking. I'm tired and emotional and just want to go to bed. So, do us both a favour and just tell me what you want from me." It's the same question that started the shit earlier and I take a few seconds to work out how to put into words what I want. When I couldn't think of the right words, in my opinion, I open my mouth and simply let the words come out.
"I want you, even though I don't deserve you. I want you, but I don't even know how to be with you. I want to try and give you hearts and flowers, but I'm not sure how to do that. Going to bed with you was pleasant the other evening, considering the circumstances. I don't know what your cooking is like, but I will eat whatever you make. I've never cuddled, but if it means I get to hold you, I'm all for that too. I just want you in my life and the thought of anyone else having you, is just too much for me. I want to smile just for you, because without you I won't have a reason to smile. I don't think I have a heart, but if I do, I wouldn't want you to crush it. I…" I wanted to say something else, but when her lips touches mine and her arms go around my neck, I forget what that even was. I open my legs and pull her even closer to me.
My hands are on the small of her back and I let one go down to cup her ass. With the soft moan slipping from her throat, I take it she doesn't mind. When I think she needs to get some air, I trail kissing along her jaw and to her neck. I lick all the way up to below her ear and she lets her head drop to the side to give me better access. When I get to her ear, I kiss her softly behind it and feel a shiver run through her. Her one hand slipped into my hair and is pulling it so gently that I just barely feel the pain. I wish she would pull harder, but I'm sure she won't. I kiss her once more behind the ear and then take her earlobe between my teeth. When I bite down on it, I feel her pull my hair harder and press her body against mine. She liked that little bit of pain… interesting.
I pull her closer and push my throbbing erection into her for some relieve before I can stop myself. She moans into my mouth, but I let go of her instantly hoping that I didn't fuck up again. When she looks at me, her eyes are filled with desire.
"I'm sorry, Ana. I didn't mean to do that." I pant, putting my hands on my thighs and wait for her reaction.
"Don't be. I liked it. Why did you stop?" Because I'm trying to be a better man.
"Because if I didn't, you would be losing your virginity on my breakfast bar and for some reason I didn't think you would like that." I put my hands on her waist and pull her a bit closer again, "But if I'm honest, I want you, Ana. I want to take you to my bed and make love to you. I've imagined it so many times already, but I want to touch your body and I want to feel your skin under my finger tips." I tell her truthfully.
"Then why don't you?" She says softly and looks up at me with a shy smile. I blink and then blink again and nope… not a dream.
"Do you want me to? Do you want me to make love to you?" I ask to make sure. Problem is… I've never had vanilla sex before, not to mention made love to anyone. But somehow, I know that when I have her beneath me, I will know exactly how to make love to her.
"Yes," she breathes. I've died and gone to heaven.
Before she can change her mind and run out the door, I pick her up and carry her to my bed. I place her gently on the edge of the bed before I start to undress her in silence. I take off her jacket first, keeping my eyes locked on hers. Then I take the hem of her shirt and she nods in approval while lifting her arms. It feels like I'm unwrapping a gift. When I discard the shirt, I look back to Ana sitting in a dark blue lace bra and she is just perfect. I let my hand trail up her arms and back down over the front of her body until I get to her pants. The shiver I feel running through her, runs straight to my dick.
When I kneel between her legs, I'm fully aware of the irony. I unbutton her pants and remove her shoes and socks before taking her hand and pulling her to stand in front of me. I let the pants fall to the floor and she steps out of it. And there she stands, with only a blue lace bra and matching panties. I put my hands on her ankles and let them slide up her soft legs as I get up to face her. Her skin feels even better than I imagined under my hands.
"You are breathtakingly beautiful, Ana. Are you sure you want to do this?" Last chance to change your mind, Anastasia. Once I've had you, there will be no going back. You will be mine.
"I'm sure." She whispers very anxiously, but that's good enough for me. It's to be expected that she is anxious.
I push her back until she sits back onto the bed. She wants to move up, but I kneel before her and grab the inside of her knees to keep her in place.
"Not yet, Ana," she smiles and moves back to sit on the edge of the bed. I take the panties between my hands and kiss her. I need to get inside her… and soon. "I will buy you new ones, baby." I say with my lips touching hers as I rip her panties off. She moans again and lifts herself for me to pull it from her. To keep her distracted, I keep kissing her while moving her legs slowly apart.
"Put your hands on the bed behind you and lean back, baby." I say as I pull away. I almost come in my pants when I got a full view of the woman in front of me. Naked, except for the bra, legs spread and wet… waiting for me to feast on. "Don't move your hands, baby." I say and bend to get a taste of the promised land.
"Have you ever made yourself come, Ana?" I ask and feel even more thrilled when she shakes her head with red cheeks. I even get to own her very first orgasm. I don't waste any time and run my tongue over the length of her wet folds. She moans loudly and grabs hold of the duvet with both hands. I push her down a bit more and circle her clit before sucking on it.
"Oh fuck," she screams and I smile. She is so responsive and knowing I'm the first one to taste her is enough to put me on a high.
Lick, circle, suck… lick, circle, suck, I continue with the sequence until I feel that she is close. I gently slip one finger through her folds into her sex and move in and out slowly… careful not to go too deep. I have no idea how deep the hymen is supposed to be.
"Don't stop… please don't stop… aah… this feels so good." She says as her back hits the bed with her hands still holding onto the duvet. I wouldn't be able to stop now even if my life depended on it.
I continue to fuck her with one finger slowly and when I suck on her clit again, I feel her muscles contract. Her back arches from the bed and her head is thrown back.
"That's it, baby. Come for me." I say and she pushes her sex into my hand, but we can't have that yet. As much as I would like to see her fuck my hand, I can't risk it right now. Seconds later I watch her climax. Her first orgasm and I'm the one that got to give it to her. There is no way that she could ever look sexier than she does right now.
I let go of her and get undressed as fast as possible. I walk over to the dresser and take a condom from the top drawer and when I turn around to walk back to her, I see her eyes grow wide. I look down and yes, my erection is close to painful and as big as it's ever been. I wonder if she has even seen a naked man before, but dismiss the thought quickly in order to not upset myself. I get on my knees between her legs and smile at her.
"He will fit, baby. We will be a perfect fit." I say as I push her further onto the bed, throwing pillows off the bed as quick as I can. I take her hands in mine and pin them above her head. With a quick kiss to the forehead, I tell her to not move them. I lift her back slightly and remove her bra only to reveal the perfect breasts. I suck one nipple into my mouth and bite gently on it. It doesn't take long for it to respond and I move to the other one. She is squirming and I can see that it's hard for her not to move her hands. I could have tied her up, but I don't want her first time to be bound to a bed.
I lift off her and position my dick at her entrance, "Are you sure, Ana?" I check again and she just nods with her eyes closed. I know this will be painful for her, so I go in as slow as possible, but then think better of it and slam into her. Ripping of a band aid is always more painful when you go slowly instead of just ripping it off. I could feel the proof of her virtue as I pushed through it and I had to stop myself from smiling in victory. I stop when I'm buried deep inside her and bend down to kiss the tears away that escaped from her closed eyes.
"Are you okay, baby? I ask, still not moving.
"Yes… I'm fine." She says, gripping onto the duvet and I start to move slowly. I can tell the moment the pain goes away as her eyes open again. I lift myself onto my hands to look at her. I can't find any sign of pain in those big, blue eyes.
"You are so tight… it feels amazing… to be inside you," I tell her between each thrust. And it does. The only thing that will make this any better is if I could feel her soft, warm skin brush against my dick as I penetrate her. The subject of contraception is one that I will have to broach really quickly.
When she starts to move her hips at the same tempo, I resist the urge to push her down and fuck her hard. Instead I bend down again and kiss her passionately. I've never kissed during a scene before, but Ana is not a sub and this is definitely not a scene. I move down to her neck and to her breasts, leaving a trail of kisses in my path.
"You are beautiful, baby. Your skin is so soft and flawless." I manage to say, not knowing how I'm even able to speak right now. "I knew we would be amazing together, Ana."
I take one nipple into my mouth and suck on it before I lick over it. When I hear her soft moan, I take the nipple between my teeth and bite down again. A loud moan is my reward that confirms my suspicion that she does like a bit of pain.
"Can you feel how good we are together? How good I make you feel?" I ask and she only nods.
I feel her vaginal walls contract and know that she is close. If I wasn't close to climaxing before, I certainly am now. She is already tight and now… now it's… mind blowing.
"Give it to me, Ana." I tell her and she closes her eyes. "Open your eyes, Ana. I want to see you come." She opens her eyes and it is glazed with lust and desire. "Come for me, Ana." I say and she comes while screaming my name, gripping onto the sheets so hard that her knuckles are turning white.
"Fuck… Ana… that's right baby, feel it… this feels so good… so damn good," and it does, better than anything before. I collapse on top of her, taking some of my weight on my hands, and wait a while for our breathing to return to normal. Another thing I've never done before, but it feels nice to have her under me. I would normally come and then immediately start to untie the sub. Ana's hands aren't even tied and I couldn't care less.
A/N: Please leave a review if you have the time.
Song: "Tonight I'm getting over you." by Carly Rae Jepsen. It was not out yet in May 2012, but what the hell, this is fanfiction... where everything is possible.