Perry ran into the main room. The agents were already seated at the huge, long table in the center of the room. Major Monogram stood at the front.
Perry suddenly slipped. He fell face-forward on the ground and slid across the room, clunking his head against the one empty chair in the room.
He stood up and put a hand against his forehead. A few of the agents were giggling. Ernest the eagle had a small hint of a smirk on his face.
Perry grimaced and sat down in the chair. Pheobe the penguin smiled shyly at him.
"That was really good sliding." She said quietly. "My daddy couldn't even slide that good, and he was a professional ice slider."
"Everyone, please quiet down." Monogram said. "As I informed you all earlier… the General's son Nicky lost control of his car and crashed into Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. this afternoon. Upon inspection we discovered the engine had been tampered with. We already questioned Doofenshmirtz. He had nothing to do with the incident. Nicky was unhurt, fortunately. But I want you all to be on high alert. The vehicle was tampered with. This could mean someone is deliberately trying to attack the O.W.C.A. We don't know for sure at this point. But we definitely know that there is a potentially dangerous villain on the loose, and I want you all to keep your eyes open."
Peter tilted his head back.
Monogram watched him for a few seconds.
"You can blink, Agent Peter." He said.
Peter looked relieved.
Perry tapped on Phineas. "Help."
"Oh, Perry! You're back!" Phineas shut off the computer and turned to face him. "How'd it-"
"Help." Perry pointed at his left arm.
Phineas stared at it. "What happened?"
"I slipped and fell in the main room and I guess there was gum lying on the floor somewhere and it stuck to my arm and made a huge gummy fur wad and I can't get it out."
"Huh." Phineas said. "I think we can get it out with peanut butter. We may still have some in the cabinet if Ferb hasn't gotten hungry yet."
"Peanut butter?" Perry demanded. "You mean to tell me that you built a roller coaster, traveled through time, built a beach in your backyard and raised cows on the moon, but you still don't have a device that magically removes gum from fur?"
"Just hold on." Phineas climbed up on the kitchen counter and opened the top cupboards.
"Hold on?! I have a giant wad of dirt and someone else's spit stuck in my arm hair. And I don't even know what KIND of spit. It could be deer spit. Monkey spit. Cockatoo spit."
"Cow spit." Ferb said, coming into the kitchen. "Brother, I was just about to use that."
Phineas climbed back down from the counter and unscrewed the jar. "Perry needs it to get the dirt-and-animal-spit-flavored gum out of his fur."
"Can I have it after you get it out?" Ferb asked.
"EW." Perry gagged. "Phineas, don't let him have it."
"I was referring to the peanut butter." Ferb said.
"There will still be peanut butter left after." Phineas said. He grabbed a fistful from the jar and began rubbing it on Perry's arm.
"Ew. This feels disgusting." Perry cringed.
Ferb grabbed a knife from the drawer and began to scoop peanut butter onto a slice of bread.
"Seriously, Ferb? Phineas just stuck his entire hand in there."
"It's not like I never wash my hands." Phineas said.
"Germs." Perry shuddered.
"See, it comes right off with peanut butter." Phineas rolled the gum out of Perry's fur and tossed it in the trash. "There you go. Now you can wash your arm off."
"And then we shall have lunch together." Ferb said, taking a bite from his sandwich.
Perry rinsed his arm off in the kitchen sink. "Bleck. You know what's really weird? Someone had to actually FIND OUT that peanut butter gets gum out of hair. Which means someone actually TRIED it before it was discovered that it works."
"That's how the best inventions are invented." Phineas said.
"Imagine. Someone had to figure out how to open the first banana." Ferb said.
"There." Perry rubbed his arm dry with a towel. "Okay, I'm going back to bed. Have fun with your sandwiches."
"By the way, how did the thing at the agency go?" Phineas asked. "What happened?"
"Nicky's engine was sabotaged, so we're supposed to be on high alert. The security agents are gonna look into it, though, so I don't really have to do anything."
"That's scary." Phineas said. "Someone wanted him to crash his car?"
"Yeah. My guess is that he had a girlfriend or something that got mad at him and did it. But Monogram thinks someone could be deliberately trying to attack the O.W.C.A."
"Why attack Nicky, then?" Ferb asked. "Why not attack Monogram?"
"That's what I'm confused about." Perry said. "Nicky's not affiliated with the agency. He just so happens to be the son of the General."
"Is the General in charge of the whole O.W.C.A?" Phineas asked.
"Yes." Perry said.
"Then maybe they're trying to threaten him by going after Nicky." Phineas said. "So he will do whatever they ask or something."
Perry nodded. "…Maybe. It's just really strange. Anyway. I'll see you guys in a few hours."
8
It was the shape of the lamp that drew me to it, really, it was rectangular; the only rectangular one in the room. It was not me that chose Henry next, but the lamp; that was why it was Henry and no one else first of all; and if you want me to stop using a semicolon as I write you are out of luck; this is the best way to communicate my tale. So let it be clear that Henry was not chosen for any reason at all other than the fact that he was standing near the lamp when my carefully planned attack went into action.
"I guess I'm okay with the cottonball-inator not working out." Doofenshmirtz said, grabbing a slice of pizza from the tray in the middle of the table and sticking it on his plate. "This way, we definitely have time for pizza. But tomorrow I'll win, Perry the platypus. I promise you that."
Perry tore off a huge chunk of pizza and chewed it hungrily. He had been forced to miss breakfast that morning because Doofenshmirtz had decided to activate the cottonball-inator early.
"Slow down." Doofenshmirtz said. "Don't choke or someone might think I did it. Like they did with that stupid car thing yesterday. I can't believe they thought it was me. It was just some reckless driver…"
Perry took another huge bite.
"You eat your pizza very violently, Perry the platypus. Is that how platypuses eat in the wild? Do they rip and tear the flesh from their prey like my Mama Ocelot used to? Or are you just overly hungry?"
Perry hiccupped.
"You know what's funny? Some people hiccup the word 'hiccup'. But you have the kind of hiccup that leaves the 'cup' part out. It's just 'hic'. I wonder what that says about you, like, as a person. You know, handwriting says stuff, so why not hiccups? Hic people and Cup people and Hiccup people must all have some kind of difference, right?"
Perry stuffed the rest of the pizza into his mouth.
"It's nice to have a friend." Doofenshmirtz said. "I mean, I guess we were kind of friends before, but now that we've actually admitted it… it's nice. Now we can just go out and do something fun together after a thwarting. Did you notice I'm wearing my Vance Ward Signature Cologne? I squirted less on my wrist this time."
Perry looked over Doofenshmirtz's shoulder and frowned. He recognized that woman seated at the table behind them… where had he seen her before…
"What?" Doofenshmirtz turned around. "What are you-"
The woman caught Doofenshmirtz's eye and stood up. "Heinz? Is that you?"
"Hide me." Doofenshmirtz slammed his head against the table and threw his napkin over himself.
"I have days like that, too." Perry said.
"It's no use hiding, Heinz. I can still see you." The woman said, coming over to their table. She was very short and had large, round glasses. Her blond hair was tied up in a large bun.
Now Perry remembered her. She was Dr. Gevaarlijk, the professor Doofenshmirtz could never impress.
"Is this your nemesis?" Dr. Gevaarlijk asked, scrutinizing Perry. Perry decided he didn't like her expression. "Why is he eating pizza at your table?"
"I'm not here." Doofenshmirtz squeaked from under the napkin.
Dr. Gevaarlijk lifted up the napkin and peered at him. "Oh, Heinz. You haven't changed a bit since the last time I saw you. It's a pity, really. I always hoped that one day you would improve… but you have failed to in any way."
Perry spit a piece of cheese at her. It landed on her dress.
Dr. Gevaarlijk grimaced and quickly wiped it off with Doofenshmirtz's napkin. "And to top it all off, your nemesis is badly behaved and does not seem to have any hatred for you. Well, I do hope I don't run into you during my time here anymore. Goodbye, Heinz."
She left the restaurant. Perry eyed her table.
"Hey, she left some cinnamon toast crusts." Perry said. "I declare them forfeit. Let's eat 'em."
Doofenshmirtz looked like he was trying very hard not to cry.
Perry tried to meet his gaze, but Doofenshmirtz wouldn't look him in the eye. Perry went over to Gevaarlijk's table and brought over the cinnamon toast crusts. He dipped one in frosting and held it out to Doofenshmirtz.
Doofenshmirtz finally smiled a little and took it.
"Oh, Herman." Clara the chicken sighed. "You were always so nice to me."
"Yeah." Sierra the snowy owl said. "You always shared your carrot sticks with me."
"He's not dead, guys." Darren said. "He's just knocked out."
Darren, Sierra, Clara and Peter were all standing at Herman the hedgehog's bedside in the O.W.C.A hospital. Herman was snoozing peacefully. His spines were slightly blackened on the edges.
"I brought you some blueberries, Herman." Peter said, holding out a pawful to show the sleeping hedgehog. "But since you're asleep, you have no use for them. So I shall eat them in your honor."
Peter quickly tossed the blueberries into his mouth and gulped them down.
Everyone watched him.
Perry burst into the room. "I just heard. What happened?"
"I ate the blueberries." Peter said.
"No, what's with Herman? Why is he in the hospital?"
"He was fixing some faulty wiring at the agency and it blew." Darren shrugged. "I didn't hear all the details. But he's gonna be okay. He's just sleeping now. He wasn't too badly hurt."
"Wait, he's gonna be okay?" Sierra asked. "In that case, I'm gonna go before I miss that minigolf game Yves invited me to."
She scrambled from the room.
"Herman, I thought you were seriously hurt." Peter said. "How dare you scare me like that?"
"I told you guys he was okay when you got here." Darren said.
"Faulty wiring?" Perry asked. "Herman doesn't fix wiring. Peter does. Herman's specialty is disguising himself as round objects, not fixing wiring."
"I don't know exactly what happened." Darren said. "I just heard something explode. When I turned around, Herman was lying unconscious on the ground, and Admiral Acronym's table lamp was just soot. A shame. That was a nice lamp."
Perry looked at him.
"Oh, yeah. And it stinks that Herman got hurt, too."
Perry set a bunch of flowers down on the bedside table. "Hope you feel better, Herman."
"Since he is not awake, I shall give the flowers to my new girlfriend in his honor." Peter said.
"No, no you won't." Perry said. "…Weird, isn't it? First Nicky crashes into Doofenshmirtz's building, and then Herman explodes? Two completely unrelated accidents… so close to each other?"
"Could just be one of those things." Peter shrugged.
"Or someone could be after the agency." Perry said. "After… us."