Chapter 12

Amy entered her apartment, and quickly locked the door. She sat down on her couch and shivered. Her hands were still shaking. She couldn't believe what had just happened. Barry had kissed her. Kissed her. Not just kissed…french kissed her. Her first french kiss, to be honest. She put her shaking hands to her lips. What had she done? The kiss felt forbidden yet tantalizing at the same time. Truth be told she had been curious. Years of thinking about a french kiss, wondering what it would feel like…the sensation, the touch. She had imagined it so many times, but it was so different to experience it for real. In that moment she could feel all the passion, the longing radiating from Barry, and she felt like she was drowning in the feeling of being desired. Of being wanted.

Her first french kiss should have been a happy moment. The kiss felt good physically, but emotionally, she felt destroyed. She wanted that kiss to be with Sheldon, not Barry. She wanted to be in Sheldon's arms, not Barry's. The memories of her and Sheldon started to flood back in her mind. Their late night Skype chats and how they could talk for hours on end about anything and everything. Their night out dancing, and how he came back to her apartment where they had their first kiss. How her completely germ-phobe boyfriend took care of her when she had the flu, cooking for her, giving her medicine, even bathing her.

She leaned back on the couch and started thinking about their Valentine's weekend kiss. He had kissed her out of anger, to prove a point. But the kiss had changed, and they both knew it. The kiss started off tensely, but then she felt from Sheldon, what she had felt from Barry tonight; a sense of passion radiating off of him. She could feel that passion from Sheldon as he stepped into their kiss and pulled her close, his hands around her waist as he lengthened the kiss. She could feel the desire between them as they looked into each others eyes after the kiss. She felt amazing after that kiss, because it was a kiss from the man she loved.

Tears started streaming down her face. She loved him. Loved him. She was totally unabashedly, head over heels in love with him. And she let another man kiss her? Did she just destroy everything that they had built?

But what had they built? Did he even feel the same way that she did? In that moment, she felt that he felt the same way that she had. But what about afterwards? It seemed like they went back to how they were before, except for the stipulation that there be a date night kiss. She enjoyed the kisses but they didn't have that heat or passion that their Valentine's Day kiss had. Why were they so stagnated? Why were they in a holding pattern? Did Sheldon love her? Did he love her the same way that she loved him? What about his dismissiveness? What about letting this sex rumour spread just to save his ego? There was an inkling in her heart though, that she felt that he truly did love her. Underneath all of their problems, it felt true in her heart.

She needed to talk to Sheldon, but she was so scared. Should she tell him what happened between Barry and her. Sheldon wouldn't understand. He would be so hurt and angry. But she couldn't keep something like this from him. She needed to be honest with him, about what happened, and about her feelings.

Amy walked over to her computer and turned it on. She started up Skype, and waited for it to load. Her contacts list sprung onto the screen and she saw a green circle appear besides Sheldon's name. He was online. She felt like she was going to throw up, she was so nervous. It was now or never. She took her shaky hand and nervously clicked the video camera icon near Sheldon's name. Before she knew it, Sheldon's face filled her computer screen.

"Amy! I'm so glad that you skyped tonight. I was worried after you left the Cheesecake Factory. I wanted to phone or text you, but I wasn't sure if that violated your no contact request from earlier."

Amy stared at the screen. Sheldon was wearing a t-shirt that was royal blue in colour. She loved that t-shirt on him, because it made his eyes look even more intensely blue. She got lost staring into those blue eyes, that always drew her in.

"Centaurea Cyanus….Cornflower blue" she mumbled.

"Amy? Amy? Are you ok? Why are you mentioning a plant name?" Sheldon asked. He looked at the screen with a worried look.

Amy shook her head slightly to get herself out of her daze. "Sorry Sheldon". Amy sighed. "Listen, I really need to talk to you about something"

"I really want to talk to you too. I mentioned at the Cheesecake Factory, that I really need to speak with you. But I'd prefer if we could talk in person. I've thought so much about all the things we discussed the other day, and I have a lot that I need to tell you." Sheldon said urgently.

"I…ah…" Amy stuttered.

"Leonard is going to be away all day tomorrow, so if you'd like, we could meet at my apartment in the afternoon. Say 2 pm? You could stay over for dinner afterwards" Sheldon said with a slight hopeful smile.

Amy's heart was racing so fast. She could tell him now, or meet him tomorrow and tell him in person. No, this conversation was too important to have over Skype.

"I really need to talk to you too." Amy said sadly. "Ok, I will come over in the afternoon."

"Great! Amy, I think we will both feel much better after we see each other. I'll make some sourdough bread, and we can have it with clam chowder. It'll remind you of your Harvard days" Sheldon said happily.

Sheldon looked so hopeful and happy on the screen. It was ripping out her heart that she was going to upset him tomorrow.

"Please don't go through a lot of trouble for dinner. My appetite is really bad right now." Amy said quietly.

"Oh Pish Posh…I know you can't resist my famous sourdough bread! I'm making it just for you. Ok, it's settled then, I'll see you at 2 pm. Sleep well Amy." Sheldon said happily.

"Good night Sheldon" Amy croaked out. She hit the red phone button to hang up. Her tired eyes filled with tears again. She couldn't hold them back any longer and they came bursting out of her like a dam that had breached. She shed tears for the forbidden kiss. She shed tears for betraying Sheldon. She shed tears for thinking that she that she never wanted to have an emotional and intimate relationship and then contrarily falling completely and totally in love. Finally she shed tears for that love that seemed like it was right in front of her but was always just slightly beyond her grasp.

Apartment 4A was filled with the heavenly scent of fresh bread baking in the oven. Sheldon was nervously scurrying around his apartment getting ready for Amy's imminent arrival. The New England clam chowder was simmering on the stove. The kettle was ready with water to make her some tea when she arrived. He gazed nervously at the long rectangular wooden box and paper covered package on the coffee table that he had brought from his room.

Knock Knock Knock.

Sheldon looked at his watch. It was exactly 2 pm. Amy was always delightfully punctual. He rushed over to the door and opened it. Amy was standing there, looking slightly pale with a sad look on her face. He rushed towards her and pulled her into an embrace. Amy's body was stiff at first, but then she relaxed into his hug. He could feel her sigh and hold him back, clinging tightly to him.

After he let go, Amy looked up at Sheldon. "I thought that we were not allowed to hug at the beginning of the date?" she enquired.

"Oh…um..yes. That's right. But technically, this is not date night, so it doesn't fall under our date night rule structure. It's a Sunday afternoon, so I think we can let a little whimsy into our lives." Sheldon said nervously. "I mean…well, I'm open to making some alterations to the Relationship Agreement if required." Sheldon rushed over to the stove and turned the burner on to warm up the water for tea. He went back to the living room and motioned Amy to sit down on the couch. She tentatively sat down in her spot beside his. Sheldon sat down in his spot and gave her a shy smile.

"Sheldon, this is really hard– "

The kettle whistled loudly, and Sheldon jumped up and went back to the kitchen. Moments later he returned with two cups of steaming hot tea. "I made you Honey Lemon Ginseng…your favourite" he smiled as he put the tea on the coaster on the table in front of them.

"Sheldon, I need to tell you –"

"Amy, do you mind if I go first? I've wanted to tell you something very important yesterday, but I never got the opportunity. It's important Amy….do you mind?" Sheldon asked nervously.

"Ok…" Amy said slowly.

Sheldon took a big breath and began. "I've done a lot of thinking about things your mentioned to me on our last date night, and when we fought about you working on the paper with Kripke and about the rumour around campus. Based on those conversations, and thinking I have done about our relationship, I think I've narrowed our issues to three core issues. You are unsure if I truly want a girlfriend, you find me arrogant and condescending and…" Sheldon paused. "You don't think I desire you like a woman."

Amy looked sadly at him. "I don't know if it's that simple, but yes, you did hit on some of our core issues."

"Well, ok, let's start from the beginning then. There were only a few of people I trusted growing up. My Pop-pop, meemaw and mom. I didn't trust my brother and sister, they were always torturing me. I was just plain scared of my dad. I didn't really have any friends. I just basically kept to myself and did my own thing. Thankfully, I truly am fabulous company for myself so I always had a lot to do. But the fact remains that I don't really open up easily to new people. I swore to myself that I didn't need extraneous people in my life. I was self-sufficient the way I was. Friends and most family were unnecessary. A girlfriend…the thought was absurd! But you came along and made me think differently.

Amy gazed thoughtfully at him. "Sheldon –"

"No let me get through this first please Amy….before I lose my nerve." He continued "I went to school so young, and had no friends or anyone to talk to. I was so much younger than my classmates. Seven years younger! They loved to bug me and make fun of me. So I found the best defense was to be correct. And to let them know that I was correct. I guess it kind of made me a bit condescending and arrogant over the years. It's become second nature, and I guess it's my defense mechanism. Honestly Amy, people try to talk to me about the most basic mundane things, and it's so tiresome. I try not to even listen if possible sometimes. I did that to you when you tried to talk to me about your new idea. I should have never categorized you with the others because you are different. You are brilliant Amy. I'm sorry for not taking your idea seriously. I should have known if it came from you, it is worth listening to.

Sheldon went back to the couch so that he was sitting beside Amy and picked up the long rectangular wooden box and package covered in brown paper. "Remember on our last date night, you wanted to talk about the train trip and what I thought about our relationship. I kind of avoided the question, because I was scared to talk about it. I was scared that things would change too fast if you knew how I really felt."

Amy looked at Sheldon. "What do you mean? Change too fast?"

"I….I… umm.. Ok, I spent a bit of time thinking about Physics. And a bit of time thinking about trains. But I would have to say I spent a good 87% of my time thinking about you. Yes, I did the math."

"You thought about me? What were you thinking about me?" Amy asked curiously.

"I missed you Amy. I missed you so much. I wasn't supposed to care so much about another human being. I was supposed to be self-sufficient. But I found I couldn't stop thinking about what you would think of this or that. You became my obsession on the train. I thought about things we talked about. I thought about how pretty you are. I thought about papers that you wrote. I thought about our kiss….I thought about doing more than our kiss…."Sheldon trailed off.

Amy looked up at him stunned. "I'm not sure if I believe you….you didn't even want me to come pick you up."

"Amy! I thought about you so much, and then to have you there, with me looking like a huge failure…I was embarrassed. I didn't want you to see me that way. I thought maybe I had been obsessing a bit too much, and that perhaps I should take a step back when I got back and we resumed our relationship."

"Well that is not good either. Obsess about me, and then take a step back? How do I know what you are saying is even true? You could just be telling me that you were thinking about me on the train, because I called for a break in our relationship."

"Amy, you know I don't lie" Sheldon implored.

Amy raised an eyebrow and looked him.

He looked at her guiltily. "Ok, I don't typically lie, and that was a one of." He picked up the paper covered package and the wooden box and handed it to Amy. "Well what kind of scientist would I be, I didn't present proof for my statements. Open the paper package and look at the tabs"

Amy carefully set down the box on the coffee table, and picked up the paper covered package. She slowly ripped off the paper, and inside was a book. A journal to be precise.

"What is this?" she asked softly, running her hands over the smooth leather bound cover.

"It's everything. It's Dr. Sheldon Cooper's mind. Everything I thought of on the train documented right there in that book. Amy, I would never show anyone this, and I will probably die of embarrassment that you are reading this. But I want you to truly know how much I thought of you, and what I thought of you. Sometimes its hard for me to articulate in person. I flagged a few key entries that I wanted you to see. I think it will answer your question about desire."

Tears started to well up in Amy's eyes. Sheldon was pouring his heart out to her…quite literally. And she let another man kiss her the night before. She felt so incredibly sad and guilty at the same time. With trembling hands she opened the burgundy coloured book to a random page.

Life on the train is getting mundane. There is an old couple playing cards in the dining car. I could join them to break up the sheer monotony, but since I can count six decks of cards in my head, and they only have one, it hardly seems fair. I wish Amy was here with me. We could play counterfactuals. We could probably invent our own card game together. I could create one myself, but it's no fun without her. Nothing is fun without her.

Sheldon sat in his spot wringing his hands looking at her. "Looked at the entries I flagged" he said softly.

I've been thinking about Amy's hair. I've been trying to pinpoint the intoxicating smell. She said it's dandruff shampoo. But I went to pharmacy in various train stations and smelled every single bottle available of the dandruff shampoos. There is one, which I think is a small element in Amy's beautiful scent. But there is something else. Something floral. I proceeded to sniff every other shampoo and lotion in the pharmacy until I was asked to leave by a stern little woman that worked there. Militants! I did buy a bottle of that dandruff shampoo. Just my luck I wandered into The Body Shop. They had quite an assortment of lotions. Then I found it. Moringa Body Butter. This is what Amy smells like. A mixture of the shampoo and the cream. Now she won't feel so far away from me anymore.

Amy looked at Sheldon and smiled at him with tear filled eyes. He had found her favourite body lotion. She quickly turned to the next tab.

It was surprisingly easy to hack into Harvard's repository of post graduate papers. I quickly found some of Amy's post doc papers that she had written. Interestingly she seems to have taken a course in Women and Gender Studies for her humanities requirement. She has strong opinions about the female role in modern sexual relationships. She seemed to have quite an assertive stance on oral gratification….very intriguing.

Amy's face flushed red as she stared up at Sheldon. "You read my university papers?" she said shocked. Her eyes went wide wondering if he had read the one on her proposed correlation of penis length and men's view on society.

"If you wanted to confirmation that I desire you as a woman, keep reading" he said softly. She looked at him curiously and then turned to the next tab.

I can't get an internet signal in this dead zone. I only brought one book which I've read four times now. The gift shop on board is closed. There is absolutely nothing to do. There is one magazine…well more of a shopping catalogue that I found when I did my initial clean of my cabin. It was underneath the mattress which is a worrying testament to the cleaning staff for this train that they missed that. I will need to write a strongly worded letter regarding that. Regardless, the magazine was for Victoria's Secret. The catalogue made somewhat interesting reading material. That sure is a lot of panties. It appears that in lingerie there is an inverse relationship between the lack of material, and cost. There is a model in there that kind of looks like Amy. The long straight chestnut hair, with green eyes. But she is not as beautiful as my Amy. She looks too generic. There is nothing special about her. Amy blows her out of the water. I do like the nightie she is wearing though. Amy would look amazing in it. Light purple, it would make her eyes look even more intensely green. Sheer cups would show off her breasts, the lacy bodice ending right below her enticing bottom. Amy would look delicious in this nightgown. She would never wear something like that would she? Her style is much more conservative. But she is not as conservative as she appears, if her Harvard papers are any indication. Perhaps I could buy her this nightgown, and keep it at my apartment. In case she needs to spend the night at my place for any reason. She would need to stay in my bed with me, because I wouldn't want her getting cold. Who am I kidding, I want her out of the nightgown and trying everything she wrote about on page 47 of her fanfiction.

Amy dropped the journal and stared at Sheldon whose face was flushed red but was staring intently at her. She was stunned at everything that she had just read. Her fanfiction? Lingerie? Wanting her out of the lingerie? It was shocking, it was a whole new side to Sheldon that he had kept hidden. She didn't think he even thought about those things.

"My fanfiction…" she croaked. "You read my fanfiction?"

"Amy, please open the box now. It's everything Amy. My box of Amy that I collected on my train trip. It's how I survived those 45 days..."

Amy wiped the tears from her eyes, and slowly opened the box. Inside was a small bottle of her shampoo, the lotion, photos of her and Sheldon – at the zoo, with their friends, even at Amy's lab. Hand written papers with her favourite Chaucer poems, a copy of her fanfiction that had been printed, with notes written along the side, a Victoria's Secret catalogue, and underneath the catalogue was a purple looking cloth. She pulled out the purple cloth, and opened it to see that it was the purple negligee. Amy gasped at the negligee, it was very beautiful, but it was so revealing…and short…and sheer in key places.

"You bought me lingerie?"

Sheldon got on his knees and kneeled before Amy on the couch. He grabbed her hands. "Nevermind the lingerie right now. I showed you these things, because I'm sorry that you didn't know how I really felt. Amy you are the most important person to me in my life, and the fact that I made you feel otherwise makes me feel horrible." Sheldon took a deep breath and looked into her eyes. "Amy…Amy I love you. I love you with all my heart."

It was the words her soul was aching to hear. It was too much. Everything she had ever wanted from Sheldon was coming true. And she had wrecked it. With one reckless kiss. Amy put her head in her hands and started sobbing.

"Amy? Amy why are you crying?" Sheldon asked softly.

She looked up into his beautiful clear blue eyes. She had to tell him, it wasn't fair to him. "Barry and I kissed last night" she whispered.

They say you can't pinpoint these things, but they were wrong. At 3:42 pm on Sunday afternoon, Amy saw Sheldon's heart break.

A/N: I'm so sorry to leave it at this point, but next chapter will be Sheldon's reaction. Can their relationship survive the Kripke kiss? And what about Barry…is he out of the picture? Stay tuned!