JESSIE:
One hundred and twenty four hours. Just over five days. That is how long it's been since I've seen or heard from Dean. I missed my first two days of classes 'due to my injuries'. In reality, I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. The overwhelming weight of my depression kept me locked away for almost three days. Finally when Wednesday rolled around and I was refusing to get out of bed to put my parents on a plane back east, I was slapped out of my stupor. Literally slapped. Kelsey smacked me across the face and told me to snap out of it. I told her that Cher did that line better. We laughed. I actually laughed. It was weak, and ended in a mild bout of tears, but it helped.
Mom and Dad took us to breakfast before their flight and we finally had the much dreaded 'talk'. It went a little something like this:
"We let you wallow for over two days now. But we're about to board a plane, so this needs to be dealt with. What in the hell were you thinking, Jessie?" Mom asks over the rim of her coffee cup.
I look at Dad and he still doesn't meet my eyes fully. I overheard him one morning telling Mom that he felt responsible for the path I'd chosen. I feel like it's time to come out with it and let the chips fall where they may. At least we're in a public place so it might minimize the impact. Plus, I've got Jamie and Kelsey for moral support and they both know all my secrets.
"It's a long story," I start.
"Sweetie, we need to know."
"I know. It just takes me a little bit to gear up to talk about it. I've only told this story out loud twice…"
I gut myself and bleed out all over the sticky linoleum tabletop. Every detail, every consequence, up to and including New Years Eve. My words wash over my parents like a tsunami, totally unexpected and completely devastating. When I finish and sit back against the booth, gulping in a deep breath and raising my eyes to take in my parents' reactions, my mother's hand covers her mouth and she rushes from the table to the hall where the bathrooms are located.
"I'll go," Kelsey says, patting my hand. She slides out of the booth and disappears around the corner. Jamie is on my other side. He links his pinky with mine under the table, the way he used to when we would cross the street, wait in line for a scary ride at the amusement park, or do any other frightening activities where that small contact would give us an extra boost of courage. I smile at him but my chin quivers and I bite my lip to steady it.
"Daddy, I'm so sorry." My voice is barely a whisper.
His eyes are red rimmed and glassy when they meet mine, but his face is dry. "Don't. Don't you ever apologize for this. Nothing that has happened was your fault, do you hear me? I…shit." He's out of the booth and next to me, wrapping his arms around me in a soul crushing hug. I lose it then. Tears that I didn't think I had left in me pour from my eyes and my body shudders so hard that I bite my tongue. The metallic taste invades and I swallow a few times to rid myself of it.
I sigh against his shoulder, my bad arm tucked between us, and he finally speaks again with his chin resting on the top of my head. "I'm sorry you didn't think you could tell us. Because of me. I'm supposed to protect you, baby girl. But you were afraid of me. I don't know how to deal with that."
I sit up, wiping my face with the sleeve of my sweater. "Dad, I knew you would protect me. That's the problem. My stupid choices would've messed up everything for our family. I knew you'd hurt him. Bad. And I didn't want that. I just wanted to forget about it."
"But you didn't," Jamie chimes in from beside me. "You're just dealing with it six years later. It's still part of you. You haven't forgotten."
"He's right, Jessie. You shouldn't have taken this on by yourself. I respect the way you handled yourself, and God knows I can't fault you for your methods. They are mine, after all. But never again, do you hear me, little girl? I'm your father. Anyone tries to hurt you, I deal with it. Trust me, this family has waded into much deeper waters before and we've come out on top. No more secrets, do you hear me?" His eyes burn into me, and I feel my cheeks heat in shame even though I know I did the right thing for me at the time.
"Yeah Dad, I hear you. Just please promise me you'll let this go."
"Jessica…" he says in a warning tone.
"No Dad, I need to know that this isn't going to go any further. It's done and over with."
His jaw clenches and he looks over my head at Jamie. Eyes cast down, he releases the fists he's been making. "If he puts one toe out of line again—"
"He's all yours. Promise," I tell him. "I'm sorry about Mom…"
"Don't worry about your mother. She can handle herself, you get that from her too, you know. She just needs some time." He grasps my cheeks and pulls me forward to kiss the top of my head, then returns to his side of the booth just as Kelsey and Mom make their way back to the table.
I stand and cross to my mother. She takes the hand not in a sling and clasps it in both of hers, bringing it to her lips. Her watery gaze searches my face as if she is looking for confirmation that I'm really okay.
"I promise Mom, I'm better. Well, I was." I think about the fact that my rock, the person who has helped me face most of my demons and exorcise them from myself, is no longer going to be by my side. The weight returns and I feel my shoulders slump.
"I can't be okay with what you went through, and on your own. All this time," she takes a moment to steady herself so that she doesn't get upset all over again. "But I'm glad that you were able to confide in your brother. And in Kelsey and Dean. Just…Jessie don't ever think that you can't come to us. About anything. It doesn't matter how bad, we'll get through it. Do you really think I'd have let your father do something to jeopardize this family? We've all come too far." She throws a knowing glance at my father.
"I know Mom. I'm so, so sorry. I love you both. So much." I hug her as tight as I can with one arm because I have to say goodbye soon and I don't know how I'm going to survive this without her here with me. "I just wish—" my voice hitches, cutting me off mid-sentence.
"I know baby, I know my sweet girl." She rubs small circles on my back like she always does when I'm not feeling well. I ignore the few patrons whose attention has turned to us and try to absorb as much of my mother as possible before she leaves me. "He'll come around. You'll see. Just remember what I told you. Fight."
I nod and take the seat next to Kelsey. Mom slides back into the booth and we all take a breath.
"Speaking of fighting," Dad starts.
"Yes. You know this has to stop Jessie," Mom finishes for him.
He holds up a hand before I can protest. "We're not as destitute as you seem to think, Jessie. If you didn't get a scholarship, your mother and I had money put away for you for college. It's still there. We were going to give it to you as a graduation present. Whatever you need for tuition and board over the next year, it's taken care of."
I slump back against the seat, astonished. Where the hell did my parents get that kind of money?
"Hey so does that mean you've got some money stashed away for me too?" Jamie asks, perking up.
"Quiet you," Mom says lightly. "Jessie, I know you think of the fighting as easy money, but take it from us. There's no such thing as easy money. There are always prices to be paid, and consequences for our actions."
She lowers her voice and leans in. "What you're doing isn't legal. You have to stop. There's no need for this to continue."
I look to Dad for his opinion. It is clear in the set of his jaw, the way his brow quirks, and the way his arms are folded across his chest in that don't-mess-with-me way, that he is in agreement. I sigh and quickly do some math in my head. I've got plenty of money saved up, and if my parents can pay for just my tuition for next year, that should be all I need. I look at them both and nod briefly, agreeing to their demand. After the accident last week, I'm not in a hurry to get back in a ring anyway.
"I've also made a couple of calls. There's a gym nearby with a trainer who I trust and who owes me a couple of favors. He's agreed to let you go in any time to practice, to spar, whatever you need. Once you're healed. I know what it's like to keep your anger pent up, and without the team or the fights, you'll need another outlet. Now you've got it."
I raise an eyebrow and narrow my eyes. How does my dad have connections out here? Pondering that, we settle the bill and shuffle to the cars. Jamie and Kelsey drive her car and I ride with Mom and Dad in their rental. In no time at all, we're saying our goodbyes and they're gone.
So my fighting days are over. My parents are back on the east coast. My love life is in shambles. And I don't have the energy to fight at all right now. Literally or figuratively. David has been ringing my phone off the hook trying to get me to change my mind, but I'm honoring the promise I made to my parents. If only that was enough to get Dean back, too. The fights were the least of our problems.
"Oh no, no way. You are NOT spending one more night locked away in this room!" Kelsey shouts past my door on her way to my bathroom. Likely on her way to steal some coveted hair product.
"Yes. That's exactly what I was planning to do. I've been going to class. We went for coffee this morning. I even had lunch with Jamie. I've done my duty in keeping the zombie infection from spreading for one more day. Tonight, I will be rewarding myself with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Brownie Batter, and a triple D marathon on Food Network," I say, fluffing my pillows then plopping back down on them.
"Well, there's a way to ensure your ass becomes the size of a house," she quips from the doorway as she further depletes the Ozone with the amount of hairspray she's using.
"Not like I'm showing it off, so I'm gonna make like Elsa and let it grow, let it groooow," I start singing at the top of my lungs until she jumps on the bed and covers my face with a pillow.
"That's my whole point, you should be showing it off! And if you're going to sing badly, at least get the lyrics right. But kudos on maintaining your sense of humor." She smacks me one last time, avoiding my sling, then tosses the pillow back on the bed.
"I'm not showing anything to anyone anymore. Period. I'm done with men," I announce, eyes fixed on the ceiling.
"Okay, well just come out with us to get out of the apartment. We're just watching the CFP championship. You don't even have to change."
Now I know she's desperate. I'm wearing my baggy gray sweatpants that have a hole I the knee and a purple, oversized, 'Bacon is a Vegetable' t-shirt. There is no way she'd willingly be seen in public with me like this. For that alone, I consider going. Just to mess with her.
"Who's going?" I ask, sitting up and taking a look in the mirror at the mess that is my current hair situation.
"Oh, well, Brit will be there with Eddie since they've basically been inseparable since they started dating after Thanksgiving. Paul of course, since he lives there. Hmm, let's see I think that girl Gina from—"
"Hey, ho, wait up. We're going to the Sigma house?" I cut her off as she tries to skim over that monumental detail.
"Ha, yeah, didn't I mention that? Anyway," she tries to go on but I interrupt again, holding up my hand to stop her.
"Did you think I was going to get there and, what, say 'Oh look, my ex boyfriend's house! Great!' then make a beeline for the couch?" I'm astonished that she thought I would be okay with this.
Kelsey stands with her hands on her hips and gives me her not-taking-any-shit glare. "Look Jessie, he's not even going to be there. I'm not an idiot. I checked first. Now get your ass out of bed, and let's go."
My interest is piqued. "Oh. Okay. Well, fine then. I'll go." I grab a headband and slip it over the loose hairs escaping my messy bun, trying to seem nonchalant. "So, where's he going to be, anyway?"
She looks over my shoulder and meets my eyes in the mirror. She seems uncomfortable, but eventually says, "Out studying or working on some project I think. He won't be there though."
"I'm trusting you, Kels," I warn as I apply some lip balm.
"Well, come on then."
True to her word, when we arrive Dean is nowhere to be seen. I breathe a sigh of relief as I take a seat on the sectional. I tuck myself into the corner, drawing my legs up under me. If that body language doesn't scream 'I'm not interested' I'm hoping my outfit does.
I make small talk with Brit during the commercials and eat a slice of pizza at halftime. There are maybe twenty people crammed into the room, but everyone's attention is on the screen. I find myself admitting that I'm grateful to Kelsey for dragging me out. This isn't so bad and it's nice to get a change of scenery from the apartment I've exiled myself to this past week. Though the familiarity of the house is a little hard to swallow.
Speaking of swallowing, I realize my bottle of water is empty so I ask if anyone needs anything then head into the kitchen for a refill. As I'm bending over into the fridge to dig out another water behind the endless rows of beer cans, the back door opens and laughter fills the air. A husky female laugh, mixed with a male one that I've come to know all too well. I wonder if it's possible to climb into the fridge and close the door without them noticing me.
"Jessie?"
Guess not. I grab the first thing my hand touches and shut the door quickly with the elbow of my good arm. I turn and, despite my instinct to run, take in Dean and his companion. She's gorgeous, but in a kind of rough, punk sort of way. Her California blonde hair is braided on one side and hangs loose and wavy on the other. A shiny, silver hoop hugs the side of her nose on the opposite side of the one on her bottom lip. The lip that is curled up in a smile and coated in kiss-my-ass red, standing out against her dusky, golden skin. Her blue and white flannel shirt is open to the top of her low cut white tank top which reveals just enough of her assets to make me seethe with envy. I suddenly remember my own outfit—complete with lingering bruises that I didn't bother to cover with makeup—and cringe, contemplating running from the room without a word.
Dean speaks first, ruining my plans. "What are you doing here?"
I tamp down the snarky remark making its way up my throat and go for brief and honest. "Championship game. Kelsey drug me here. Paul said you wouldn't be home, otherwise I wouldn't have come. The third quarter's almost over anyway. I'm gonna head out." I awkwardly sit down the bottle of (really though?) Sriracha that I accidentally grabbed from the fridge. I turn my attention to his, whatever she is."Nice meeting you. Not that we actually met…I mean," I sigh deeply, "goodnight."
I turn to the hall and am halfway to the door when I remember my jacket, with my wallet and keys in it, are upstairs where Paul took the coats when we came in. Cursing silently, I climb the stairs and start poking my head into rooms looking for a pile of outerwear. When I come up empty there's just one room I haven't looked in, and it's the logical choice since its occupant was supposed to be gone all night. Another heavy sigh, and I turn the doorknob to Dean's room. Avoiding anything that will trigger an emotional breakdown, I quickly sift through the pile of jackets, coats and hoodies. When I wrap my hand around the denim jacket I wore here, I yank it from the pile and am turning to leave when the door clicks shut and, for the second time tonight, I'm face to face with Dean.
"I'm sorry, my jacket." I hold it up to support my reason for being in his room. I notice he's alone and another snarky comment about his date threatens to tears its way out of my mouth. I clamp my lips shut and try to shoulder past him, but he doesn't move when I reach the door.
"How are you, Jessie? You look…," he trails off, his eyes roaming over me.
"Yeah, I know. Like shit, right?" Looks like I don't have as good a hold on my inner smart ass as I thought I did.
"No. Of course not. You're beautiful, you always look beautiful, even with the bruises. But, sad. And tired." His hand lifts and on its way to my cheek he detours it into the hair that he's been letting grow out a little.
I swallow, afraid that I've been unsuccessful in hiding the pain and longing that I feel for him. It's exponentially stronger now that we're within touching distance. "A week locked up in an apartment, crying and binging on crap will do that to a girl." I try to keep my tone light.
A flash of something unexpected, something like relief, passes through his eyes. "Kelsey said you were doing good, that you were out almost every night this week."
I can't help but smile a little at Kelsey's attempt to make me not look like a pathetic loser. I'll have to remember to thank her later. "You know how Kelsey can be. Kind of like tonight when she told me you were studying, because she probably thought I'd lose it if I knew you were out on a date. You should be getting back down to her. It's pretty rude to be holed up in your room talking to your ex when you're supposed to be with her." Bitterness tinges my words and I know my ability to remain civil is just about tapped out.
Dean finally pushes off of the door, taking a step closer to me and gazing down. "I'm not on a date, Jessie."
I snort, very unladylike. "I'm not stupid. It's Friday night and you come laughing through the door with some gorgeous girl on your arm. Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you haven't been out with her all night."
"I can't do that," he says, crossing his arms over his chest. I nod in satisfaction that at least he isn't going to lie to me. "We were out. Studying. For our narrative journalism course."
My lip curls skeptically. "Okay, so why did you bring her back here if it wasn't a date?"
"Because I'm a nice guy. So I invited Liv over to catch the rest of the game. With her girlfriend Nikki, who was meeting us here." Girlfriend? Ahh… Hmm. He looks satisfied. And I feel like a schmuck.
"Oh. Well. Oh." Flustered, I tap the jacket against my thigh, at a loss for something to say.
"Did you think I was just going to move on to the first girl who looked my way? I couldn't, wouldn't do something like that." He does raise his hand this time and when his palm brushes the sensitive flesh of my cheek, a shudder works its way through my body. His thumb skims over my bottom lip and I raise my eyes to see the heat reflected back in his. Forgetting all the tears, all the pain, I lean forward until our lips are a breath apart.
"Jessie," he whispers and his words caress my skin and I lean forward, closing the distance between us.
The kiss is tentative at first. Just a meeting of lips, reunited after too long apart. Then I thread my fingers through the hair I've been dying to touch since I saw him downstairs and it turns into something more. Something primal. His tongue darts out and parts my lips, thrashing with mine in a desperate dance. His hands travel down to my hips and he pulls me against him roughly. I wince as my arm connects with his body, but ignore the pain. I can feel the affect the kiss has on him and I mold myself to his body, leaving no room for misinterpreting how much I want him.
He twists so that my back slams against the door and his body presses into mine. A desperate moan escapes between breaths and it's like I flick a switch. One minute we're wrapped around each other, the next he's tearing himself away from me and cursing to himself.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let that happen," he says, panting.
"Don't be sorry. I wanted you to." I reach out to touch his arm but he takes another step back. Hurt brings me crashing back to reality. I wanted it, but he obviously didn't. I don't know which feeling is more prominent, pain or embarrassment.
"Nothing's changed Jessie. We can't go back to the way things were when nothing has been fixed." His words tip the scales in favor of pain.
"Got it. Sorry I bothered you. And for assuming, about Liv. Don't worry, I won't be back here again. Message received, loud and clear." I storm out of the room before he has a chance to make me feel worse.
Practically flying down the stairs, I tear out into the cool night air without looking back. I'll text Kelsey when I get back to the apartment. Right now, I just need to be alone. Because for the first time in a week, I don't want to cry. I want to punch something. Hard.