Alright guys, another chapter for you! And things are gonna get right dirty with the insults here! Also I am not British, so sorry if I offend anyone with my use of British slang. I'm trying to get it right!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Potter. Because life.

You don't wanna hurt me
But see how deep the bullet lies
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Oh, there is thunder in our hearts

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
I'd be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems

Running Up That Hill – Placebo cover

Chapter Three: How to Insult Women in Five Minutes or Less

By the time James had made his way back to the castle, the sorting had concluded and the students were well on their way to having food comas. He spotted Sirius' mop of dark hair and quickly sped towards him. He needed an ear to listen to the rant that was bubbling in his throat.

As he made his way down the great hall, James caught a glimpse of red hair. The bubbling in his throat was instantly replaced with apprehension. The owner was sitting as far away possible from the Marauders and rightfully so. Not quite sure how to deal with her now, James returned his attention to his friends. He hoped with profusion they would offer him a much needed distraction.

"Jamesie boy!" Sirius yelled at the top of his lungs. Any chance of slipping in without drawing attention to himself diminished drastically. Heads whipped in his direction, eyes pouring over him. It was the great James Potter returned for his final year at Hogwarts. The student population expected great things from him in true Marauder fashion.

James slapped away at Sirius' offer for a hug as he reached his friends. "Pipe down, would you? I saw you half an hour ago."

"We thought we'd lost you! I was about to start a search party!" Sirius grinned.

"And he volunteered me to go find you while he stayed here and ate," Remus added.

"Naturally," Sirius said. "So where were you off too then? Made out with Evans after all?"

"Don't mention that name around me," James grumbled as he piled his plate high with food. He was starving and after everything that had happened, food was a great substitute for a therapist.

Remus had finished with his dinner and was eyeing the amount James was putting on his plate. "Had a run in, did you?"

"How could you tell?"

"You're a stress eater James. You could feed a small circus with the amount of food you're eating," Remus replied.

"Calling me fat, Moony?"

Remus sighed. James was trying to change the topic of discussion. As a good friend, he let him do so. Sirius, however, was more relenting. "Did you call her fat? That would probably do it. Girls and their figures." Sirius waved his hand with an air of defeat. "You call them beautiful, they don't believe you. Call them fat and they rage away."

James shoved a fork full of food into his mouth hastily. "I did not call her fat," he said while chewing rather obnoxiously. "That would have been less controversial."

Remus eyed him. "What did you call her then?"

"It's not what I called her, it's what I almost called her. Almost."

"And that was?"

"The thing you should never call a muggle born."

Everyone in his group went quiet. James knew he was in for it morally when Sirius was the first one to speak. "You? Of all people, I would have never thought."

James cringed wondering if he had any right to defend himself. "I didn't mean it. You guys know I would never think of muggleborns like that. I was just angry. I wanted her to… to… uh."

"Apparently," Remus said. "She's going to take a long time to forgive you on this one, mate."

"If she bothers to forgive you at all," Peter chimed in. The boy had finally clued in that there was a conversation going on around him.

"That really helps, buddy. Thanks for the words of encouragement." Seemingly done with this conversation, James returned to attacking his food. The faster he could get it down, the faster he could leave this hall. Stupid friends were supposed to make him feel better. He didn't need to be reminded of his actions and the consequences that would follow. He knew he was in deep shit with Lily.

Deeper than usual at least.

Sirius had finally taken the hint that James was done talking about Lily. Steering the conversation away to quidditch, the Marauders found an easy rhythm to pass away the rest of the meal. As the plates cleared, students began to meander back to their dorms, the first years being escorted by their head professor to each respected house. It then dawned on James that he wouldn't be following his friends back to Gryffindor tower, a first in six years.

"Shit."

"I actually thought the meal was quite good. The gravy was exceptionally delicious tonight," Sirius claimed. He smiled at his own joke, clearly pleased with himself.

James graced Sirius with a less than pleased look. "Should I bother telling you that's not what I meant or is there any point?"

"Best not to bother and let me enjoy my own cleverness."

The boys had made it out of the great hall and were standing in the entrance. James feet seemed to be at war with his better judgment. They wanted to follow his comrades and nestle themselves comfortably in his bed of the last six years. His better judgment, however, was telling him to be rational and face the music. He had to deal with Lily eventually.

"You're going to be fine. She probably just needs to yell at you for a bit and then balance will be restored," Remus comforted, sensing James' predicament. "That's how it always works out."

James ran a hand through his hair with frustration. "I know, I know. I would just rather not deal with it if I didn't have to."

"Well you don't get a choice, so off with you!" With those as his final departing words, Sirius gave James a decent shove. James stumbled before catching himself. He turned around to flip his friends the bird before heading towards the Heads common room.

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Lily had excused herself early from dinner. After the whole debacle with Potter, all she wanted to do was crawl up in bed and go to sleep. She also dearly wanted to avoid him at all costs. Leaving dinner early would guarantee her one night of peace.

Slipping into the hall, Lily let out a sigh of relief. The charm of Hogwarts had always been conforming to her. Whenever she needed time to think to herself, Lily would meander through the more deserted corridors. The ancient architecture seemed to hold wisdom and tales of past stories; stories told through paintings and tapestries. The floors eroded down with a century's lifetime of passing students and teachers. It was a grand sight to behold and Lily would be damned if she ever took it for granted.

Continuing her way to the fourth floor, Lily finally found herself standing in front of a simple painting. A scenic picture of rolling open fields filled the expanse of it. A farm could be seen dotted with a white picket fence. "Charming," Lily mumbled to herself. Before too long, a girl in a blue and white striped dress appeared. Her hair was evenly divided into two pigtails.

"Not quite!" she giggled.

"Oh no! Uh... Piggle sticks!" Lily blurted out. Whoever had come up with that password needed to reevaluate their selective methods.

"Correct!" The girl curtsied before the portrait swung open revealing a corridor of stairs running down at a decent angle. Lily balanced herself with the wall as she stepped own. Counting the stairs, Lily made it to eight before reaching the common room.

The room was large with a grand fireplace settled against the center wall. Deep red wallpaper, decorated with gold accents, covered the room in true Gryffindor fashion. Two large windows outlined the fireplace, each with a cozy nook adorned with cushions. Lily instantly dubbed it her new reading spot. One large couch and two singles dotted the fireplace with a coffee table set in the square it formed. A study table sat off to the side surrounded with chairs. Two doors sat opposite each other with a third on the wall where the corridor emptied into the room. Two bedrooms and a bathroom, Lily supposed.

Lily circled the room, running her hand along the wall. She gave herself a moment to admire the elaborate room and décor. It was cozy, most defiantly. Settling herself down on the couch directly in front of the fireplace, Lily let her head roll back. She was having a Potter induced head ache. Merlin, that boy would be the death of her.

It wasn't long before Lily's tired eyes began to close. The fireplace was roaring with wild crackles, a soothing heat emanating from it. The couch was equally comforting and before long, the red head had lulled herself into a sleep.

James however was far from sleep as his anxiety propelled him to his new home. He stopped when he reached the portrait of the farm on the fourth floor. "Charming," he mumbled.

"A popular opinion!" a little girl squeaked as she made her way into frame.

James ignored her comment and gave the password, trying not to cringe as the questionable keywords left his mouth. The girl smiled as the portrait swung open. Stepping down into the corridor James made his way into the common room. A sense of familiarity resonated with him immediately. The red and gold was full in all its Gryffindor glory. Making his way to the three doors at the back, James nearly missed the sleeping red head by the fire.

Merely tripping on his own feet to turn in her direction, James was ready for a fight. Insults began flooding his mind in pure instinct. He was about to open his mouth with a sneer when he noticed her closed eyes and even breathing.

How tired she looked, James thought as he moved closer to her. Her head was slouched at an awkward angle, threatening a cramp in the morning. Debating whether to wake her, James outstretched his hand. It stopped short just shy of her shoulder. James frowned. Since when was his one to hesitate? He willed his hand to move closer but it faltered. Finally summoning the courage, James made light contact.

Lily sighed and instantly James retracted his hand. It was as if she had burned him.

Thoroughly displeased with himself, James sulked away from her with record speed. Each door in the room had been previously labelled in gold calligraphy. His located his, and before his mind could convince him otherwise, he shut himself off from the slumbering girl.

Lily woke with a giant kink in her neck. Rubbing the sore muscles, she groaned as she peeled herself off the couch. An old fashion clock sat on the mantel of the fireplace. Peering at it, Lily noted the time to be 6:30 am.

"Merlin," she whispered. She must have fallen asleep around 9:30. A solid nine hour nap. Classes didn't start till 9:00 giving her a decent chunk of time to ready herself. Getting up, Lily entered her room, happy to see her trunk had made it safe and sound. Eyeing her new room and unslept bed, Lily noted how similar it was to her old dormitory. He bed and vanity, however, had been upgraded in size.

Pulling out fresh clothes for the day and her toiletries, Lily made the short trip from her room to the washroom. Upon witnessing her appearance in the mirror, Lily let out a groan. Disheveled hair and dark bags under her eyes made her appearance look haywire. Not even attempting a brush for fear of breaking it, Lily hoped into the shower. The hot water offered great relief for Lily and her now cramping neck.

Taking a longer shower than normal, Lily fought tooth and nails to detangle her mass of curls. After a minor war with her tangles and enough hair pulled out to make a wig, Lily dried off. She made sure to clean up every strand in the shower that escaped her head. She didn't need to give Potter any more ammo for insults. Before Lily could stop herself, a nasty blush had crept over her face at the thought of a naked Potter in the shower. "Merlin, hell no," she whispered furiously to herself.

Getting changed and ready for the day, Lily left the bathroom at the same time James exited his room. "Oh, uh... Morning," he muttered clumsily. He squinted his eyes in her direction. Bloody hell he was blind without his glasses. It didn't take long though for him to notice her wet hair. Very inappropriate thoughts swarmed his hormonal teenage mind.

"Ditto," Lily replied as she quickly stumbled her way to her room. It took everything in her power not to slap herself after saying that very lame word. "Bathrooms all yours!" she yelled before slamming her door with much more force than it warranted.

James gave a weak thanks before entering himself. The room smelt strongly of something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Something sweet but with a little kick. It was an intoxicating smell. James cringed as his pants became tight. Down boy, he willed. Hell would have to freeze over before he got aroused by Lily freakin' Evans. Turning the shower on to its coldest temperature, James threw himself in and forced himself to think of anything but the red head.

After calming down, James finished his morning routine and exited the bathroom. It appeared Lily had slipped out during his shower and taken off to the Great Hall. Following in suit, James made his way down, completely and totally unprepared for the day to come.

Lily smeared her bagel with a thick layer of butter before digging her teeth into it. "Remind me why we bothered to take potions again?" Eva was complaining.

"Because we want to have a solid future and not restrict ourselves to certain jobs," Alice said while cutting up her eggs.

"Remind me why I should care about my future enough to take potions?"

"Because I don't want to be the one taking care of you when you become homeless all because you didn't bother to take potions and can't work in your desired field and can't even hold a basic job because your attention span is shorter than a mouse." Alice took in a deep breath after her mouthful of a sentence.

"Geeze. Have a little faith would you?" Eva replied.

"I'll have faith when you actually graduate."

"This morning is shaping up to be just lovely, isn't it? Lily, you haven't taken your turn to make a dig at me yet. What's wrong?"

"I have double advanced transfiguration after lunch," she said while eyeing her schedule. Each student had collected theirs upon entering the Great Hall for breakfast. The girls had been comparing theirs to each other while eating their share of the food.

"Sucker," Eva said while leaning over Lily's shoulder to confirm this bit of information. "While I may be bothering with potions, I'm not stupid enough to bother with that advanced shit. Regular transfiguration is hard enough."

"Trust me, I know. I just don't want to hinder any opportunities by not taking a class." It was common knowledge that muggleborns had a more difficult time acquiring jobs than those of pureblood status. Old traditions died hard and so did the stereotypes that muggleborns weren't equal to purebloods. Lily had set out to disprove any accusations anyone tried to throw her way regarding her blood status. So far, her dedication had earned her Head Girl. Only a fool would stop now.

"Well, what do you have after potions?" Alice asked, deciding to steer the conversation away from Lily's worries.

"Muggle studies."

"Why do they even bother to let you take that? You're a muggleborn for Agrippa's sake!" Eva huffed after finishing her yogurt. "You get an A+ just for being you!"

"Gee, if only you got to take a class involving magic just because you were born into a magical society. Oh wait!" Lily added acerbically.

"Alright. Point taken," Eva said, hands up in surrender.

"Well ladies, should we be off? Can't miss potions, now can we?" Alice said while giving Eva a pointed look.

Eva stood up and threw her book bag over her shoulder. "Yes mother." Lily followed suit while Eva and Alice began to bicker over something petty.

Potions itself flew by pleasantly fast. Professor Slughorn had spent most of the class going over rules and regulations. Lily barely noticed his annual words of wisdom and had taken to doodling in her notebook. By the time class ended she had filled a whole page with random swirls and lines. Saying her goodbyes to Eva and Alice -who were off to Ancient Runes- Lily made her way to her next class.

Muggle studies would prove to be less pleasant than potions had been.

Sitting down in one of the desks closer to the back, Lily prepared herself for another dull class. There was only one other muggle born enrolled in the subject, a Ravenclaw named Elijah Partridge. The two of them seemed in hot demand whenever a concept was particularly difficult to grasp. Lily smiled to herself as she recalled the great escalator debacle of fifth year. No one seemed to understand the necessity nor the mechanics of it.

Just as class was about to commence, in stumbled three of the four Marauders. Peter had ditched back in fourth year, claiming the muggle world not to be of interest to him. Sirius' laugh echoed as the three took back seats, much to close to Lily for her liking. Professor Tailor soon followed after, dropping a pile of sheets on top of his desk. The old man himself was a pureblood who took great interest in the muggle world. He absolutely adored Lily.

"Welcome, welcome!" The extravagant man called out. "My, my, how far you all have come! And only one year left. How exciting!" Lily slouched back in her chair ready to begin daydreaming as the prof rambled on. It was only when the words 'text lingo' caught her ears that she returned her attention to the man. This will be good.

"I have one for you to try before you begin your assignment," he said, referring to the stack of paper on his desk. "Acronyms are the way to go people! Anyone care to make a first guess at what 'lol' means?"

Lily heard Sirius snicker behind her. James had taken to coughing in an attempt to hide a laugh. It had been very unsuccessful. She could only imagine what stupid sentences they were coming up with.

"Lots of laughs?" Someone guessed.

"Close, very close!" Tailor beamed. "Anyone else?"

After a few botched guesses, Lily put up her hand. "Laugh out loud," she said to the delight of Tailor.

"Very good Ms. Evans! This is just one example that the texting world has to offer." After delving into a brief history on the evolution of text lingo, Tailor handed out the sheets of parchment with acronyms to be expanded. "You shall have the rest of class to fill these out as best as you can. It will be due tomorrow on my desk, 10:00 sharp. Feel free to work with others as you see fit."

It was a mad rush as people began to pair up. Lily bothered not to as she pulled out her quill. Tailor had passed the sheets out with a quick 'good luck' before letting the students go off on their own. It wasn't long before Lily heard someone call her name pleadingly.

"Lily," Sirius called from behind her.

She paid him no mind.

"Psst Lily!" He called again louder.

Ignore him.

"Oi! Carrot top!"

"What!" Lily snapped, turning around to face him with a wicked glare.

"What does TTYL mean?" Sirius asked.

"It means leave me alone," Lily huffed before returning to her work.

Ignoring her, Sirius pressed on. "How about BRB?"

"Not listening to you, Black!" Lily responded without turning around.

"Okay, at least WTF?" He said dejectedly.

Lily snapped back around. "What the fuck, Sirius. Now leave me alone."

Sirius gave her an annoyed look. "All you had to do was answer. Now we'll never know what WTF means."

"Good riddance," Lily moaned, throwing her head into her hands. She was rewarded with two minutes of peace before her name was called again/

"Evans." This time it was James.

"You better have a damn good question, Potter!" She threatened while turning around.

"Relax would you? I just wanted to know if I should bring anything to the meeting Thursday. And here's your stupid schedule." James threw the piece of paper with his 'approved' signature on it. Lily reached clumsily for it. James let out a snicker at her fumble.

Shoving it into her bag, Lily returned her attention to the raven haired boy. All emotions of yesterday came flooding back to her in a rush of anxiety and anger. "You can bring yourself so long as your retched attitude has been fixed."

Could it ever be possible for the two of them to have a civil conversation?

"I'll change my attitude so long as you change your ugly face," Potter spat back.

Sirius shook his head. "Weak, mate."

James shook his comment off. "At least I can change my attitude. You're stuck looking like that forever."

Lily knew his comment was pathetic and only meant to rile her up. It didn't stop her from responding though. "At least this ugly face doesn't walk all over everyone like some god damn king."

"You wish you got half the attention I do."

"As if." She relied lamely. "I don't need gratification from others to inflate my giant ego. I leave that to you."

"That gratification is also known as friends. Something you would have more of if you weren't, well, you."

"Ooooh. Burn, Potter. You really got me that time. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a better comeback than that."

James burned with anger, partly in frustration and partly because he didn't know what alphabet soup was. It seemed the summer off from arguing had dulled his wit. "Well, I'd try to see things from your perspective, but I can't get my head that far up my ass." Well done.

"You know what Potter, if you were half as smart as you thought you were, you'd be twice as smart as you actually are." Lily sneered.

"I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong," Potter retorted.

Lily was trying hard not to punch him in the face. It was very difficult. "Why am I even bothering with you? Go back to the stupid people you call friends, or should I say sluts? Meyers has been eyeing you up since you walked in," Lily said, referring to one of the looser girls in the school. "Why don't you go fill her needs? You certainly aren't good for anything else."

James was turning red in the face. He wasn't innocent by any means but he didn't need Lily scorning him like some hormonal man slut. "At least I'm capable of getting female attention. When was the last time you got any, Evans? When was the last time a man looked at you without repulsion?"

Lily stood up with indignation. "I will not be lectured on my sex life by you of all people. Go run off to your little slut and please her all you wish. My relationships actually have meaning to them, Potter. Not some quick gratification that leaves you empty afterwards. It's called purpose. And you don't have any."

Before he could put one more word in, Lily was off. Having finished her assignment, she threw the page down on Tailors desk and left the room in a fury.

"Smooth Prongs. Insult her looks and then her sex life. No wonder she's falling head over heels for you," Sirius quipped up as he returned to his parchment.

James huffed angrily and grabbed at his quill with too much force. He groaned as it snapped. "Damn it."

"Hmmm," Sirius wondered aloud. "You should write a book. How to offend women in five minutes or less. Cause you, sir, are on a roll of destruction today." Sirius gave James a hearty pat on the back and returned to his parchment. "Ugh," he groaned. "She still never told me what WTF means."

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Holy that's the longest chapter I've ever written. Yay!

Well insults are getting dirty and hormones are flying high! Don't you just love fanfiction? Remember to review, review, review cause that's what makes me tick!

And a shout out to anyone who recognizes the chapter title quote!