10

Again, as with Henry, Joe was not chosen by my own hand by any means; he simply had a glass that differed from the others; there were twelve glasses with orange liquid and only two with red; since the red drew me to it; it was then that at random I selected one of them; and so, narrowed down from the fourteen originally there; it was by the uniqueness and randomness of the glass that Joe was chosen; I did not select him to be the second on my own. It was so to be; and so I added in that which I created myself; untraceable and without known pair…

"Whoops." Phineas said, dropping his ice cream a second time.

The ice cream man sighed. "Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a cup, Phineas?"

"Well, okay." Phineas said. "Thanks."

The ice cream man gave him a cup of ice cream. Phineas, Ferb and Perry left the cart and began wandering around the park.

"I love this park." Phineas said. "I've been coming here since I was a baby."

"And dropping your ice cream here as long as I've known you." Ferb said.

"It's hard to keep it on the cone." Phineas said.

"I like that about Phineas and ice cream cones." Perry said. "When he drops it, I get to eat it."

"I don't get how you can be afraid of germs and still eat things off of the floor." Phineas said.

"My animal instincts are constantly fighting against my personal conscience, but in the end, the ice cream always wins." Perry said.

"What shall we do?" Ferb asked.

"We could go on the swings." Phineas said.

"Swings are so pointless. It's like, I'm here. Now I'm there. Now I'm here. Now I'm there. I wonder who invented them in the first place."

"The same man who discovered peanut butter and gum." Ferb said.

Perry laughed. "Yes."

They headed toward the swings.
"Hey, look. There's Vanessa." Phineas pointed. "Standing by the water fountain."

"And Monty." Perry waved. "Hi, Lovebirds. You know, I like both of them, but couples always annoy me. Doesn't matter who they are. They always are so cutesily into each other. I guess I was just single for so long that I went past the point of ever appreciating love. Look, they're engaging in sarcastic banter. So cute I wanna hurl."

"You have a girlfriend." Phineas reminded him.
"I know. I disgust myself." Perry turned around. "Where's Ferb?"

Phineas shrugged. "I dunno. Usually he's next to me."

"Here." Perry handed Phineas his ice cream and dove into the bushes. He crawled through and came to the end of the park that held the jungle gym.

Ferb was sitting at the very edge of the fence with his face in his hands.

Perry went over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, buddy. You okay? What happened?"

"Go away." Ferb mumbled.

"Did we say something that upset you?"

Ferb said nothing.

"Look, if we did, let me know so we don't do it again."

"It's not you." Ferb said.

"Did the ice cream taste so bad it made you cry?"

Ferb laughed a little. He lifted his head up and wiped his eyes. "No."

"What was it, then? The swings? Did they remind you so much of mood swings that you ended up getting one?"

Ferb smiled.

"That was a terrible attempt at a joke. At least it made you smile, but dang, I'm really losing my touch."

"Did you ever really like someone, Perry?" Ferb asked. "And then not say anything, and then they found someone else?"

"Oh. So it was the couple that bugged you. Well, not specifically, but I can identify. I went through a pretty rough breakup years ago. But it turned out okay. I didn't know you liked someone."

Ferb shrugged.

"You don't have to talk about 'em. Anyway, I wouldn't know anything about losing someone because I kept quiet. But I'm pretty sure it's the same pain. Loving someone and not having them love you back. It'll be okay, Ferb. It just means that there's still someone out there for you. Who knows, maybe there's even someone out there for your cow."

Ferb grinned.

Phineas crawled through the bush. "Ferb, what happened?"

"He wanted to secretly talk to me about shoehorns." Perry said.

"And acorns." Ferb said.

"What happened to our ice cream?" Perry asked.

"I ate it." Phineas said.

"You ate my ice cream? I told you to hold it for me!"

"No, you told me 'here' and handed it to me. I thought it was a gift."

Perry sighed. "You're a problem child."

Suddenly his watch beeped. He looked down at it. A picture of Terry the turtle flashed onto its face. Peter the panda was running back and forth in the background, shouting "WE ARE DOOMED!"

"I just saw someone in a dark suit go to the rear of the O.W.C.A. We need backup to surround him. This could be our attacker. All agents." Terry said.

"Sorry, boys." Perry switched his watch off and pulled out his jetpack. "Duty calls."

"Where the heck do you keep that thing?" Phineas asked.

"Perry doesn't question our ability to bend the laws of the universe." Ferb said. "We should do the same for him."

Perry landed near the east wing of the O.W.C.A and pulled out his grappling gun. He quickly snuck around to the back.

Ernest the eagle was walking next to him, shoulders hunched, raygun at the ready.

"What are you doing here?" Ernest hissed.

"They called for backup." Perry whispered.

"Not you." Ernest said. "This is too dangerous for a small agent."

"You're too dangerous for a small agent." Perry mocked.

"What does that even mean?" Ernest snapped.

"Shush."

They slipped around the corner and saw him instantly. The figure in black was trying to unlock the back door of the O.W.C.A with a bobby pin.

Many other agents came around from the sides and the garden. The figure was surrounded, and he hadn't even noticed.

"FREEZE!" Randy the reindeer suddenly called out.

The figure jumped and whirled around. His mask slipped, revealing his face.

"It's Dastardly Drago!" Charlisse the chameleon exclaimed. "My nemesis!"

The agents rushed forward and jumped him. Perry landed on the top of the pile. He smacked the body below him on the head.

"OW!" Ernest shouted. "That's me, Agent! Cut it out!"

"I'm sorry, Ernest. I can't hear you. Did you say 'Hit him harder'?"

The pile broke apart into a circle after a few minutes of scuffling.

Brandon the bulldog stood proudly in the center, holding a rather dazed-looking Dastardly Drago by the shirt collar, who was in handcuffs.

"Let's bring him in." Ernest said.

"All fourteen of you were very brave." Monogram said. "You managed to stop Dastardly Drago from stealing the money in the O.W.C.A safe. He will now be sent to our prison, where he will no longer be able to perform any dastardly deeds. Not to worry, Agent C, you will be reassigned to a new nemesis shortly. I am assuming that since this has been the third attack on something agency-related this week…"

"We got him!" Darren shouted.

Monogram smiled. "You will all receive bonuses for a job well done. Brandon the bulldog, Randy the reindeer, Ernest the eagle, Darren the duck, Charlisse the chameleon, Perry the platypus, Devon the dog, Erica the ermine, Jack Russell the Jack Russell Terrier, Sandra Unice the sea urchin, Franklin the flamingo, Terry the turtle, Magdalena the mongoose and Otis the owl, thank you."

Otis bowed.

Terry clapped his hands.

Sandra Unice moved a spine.

"I think that was one of the easiest catches we've ever had." Darren said.

"That's what I'm worried about." Perry said. "That was too easy. Dastardly Drago couldn't have been our attacker."

"Why not? Because he was so easy to catch? That's a ridiculous theory."

"He has a point, though." Charlisse said. "That's not Drago's style to try and hurt two people. All he ever goes after is money. All of his schemes are money-related."

"How would you know?" Darren asked.

"Well… I am his nemesis." Charlisse said.

"No more arguing." Brandon said. "This is a celebration dinner. We're all supposed to be enjoying ourselves."

"It's a shame my Carrie dear couldn't come." Devon said. "This is such a fancy place. Perfect for a date."

"What would that make all of us, thirteenth wheels?" Perry asked.

"I'm gonna order lettuce." Said Terry the turtle.
"Who's paying?" Perry asked. "Because I'm ordering egg noodles. Unless Ernest's paying, and then I'm ordering everyone a steak dinner."

Ernest narrowed his eyes. "Be quiet, Agent."

"Hey. Everyone." Franklin said. "Just chill."

The waiter came by and set down everyone's drinks.

Darren looked at Perry's. "Just water?"

"Water is lovely." Perry said, taking a sip. "We're mostly made of water. It is vital to us."

"Yeah, but you could have gotten orange juice or something fun. Why just water?"

"I like water. You know what's crazy? This one time, I was playing this quiz game online about Vance Ward, and one of the questions was 'What is Vance Ward's favorite drink?' and the options were water, orange soda, and milk. Naturally, I picked water. It said I was wrong. I was like, how can Vance Ward's favorite drink NOT be water? It's the reason he's alive. He can't live without water. I bet you he drinks water waayyyy more than he does milk or orange soda. That quiz was a lie."

"Did I ever tell you about the time my older brother Darsie drank clear milk thinking it was water?" Devon said.

"How does clear milk even exist?" Darren asked.

"It exists." Devon said. "All you have to do is put clear food coloring in milk."

"There's no such thing as clear food coloring." Darren said.

"Sure there is. It's made with real clear color extract." Devon said.

"Clear isn't a color!"

Perry put a hand to his head. Something didn't feel right.

"Oh yeah?" Devon stood up. "Wanna fight about it? Let's go. Right here. Right now."

Perry took a deep breath. "I need to go."

"No, you can stay, Perry." Devon said. "Darren and I will take this outside."

"Take WHAT outside? Clear is not a color, end of story!" Darren spat.

"No… I just… I need to…" Perry stood up. "My stomach really hurts. I need to throw up."

"TMI." Ernest said.

Perry suddenly fell. He clutched the side of the table in an attempt to keep himself upright.

The other agents stood up.

"Perry, you okay?" Darren asked.

"No…" Perry could feel himself slipping. He couldn't hold himself up anymore. "No… no… I'm going… to…"

Devon ran over to him and caught him before he hit the ground.

"Get help!" Ernest was shouting. "Don't just stand there, someone get help! Seriously, thirteen completely able-bodied agents, and not one of you can go run for help? GET MOVING!"

Wait a minute… I know this… fourteen people... with drinks… the lamp… the car…

"Tell the boys…" Perry gasped. "Tell them… M… equals… Y two… minus Y one… over X two… minus X… one…"

"Okay." Devon said. "Whatever that means."

"Perry, just hold on. We're getting you help. It's gonna be okay." Darren sat down next to him.

"Tell them… I love them… tell them…" Perry was having a hard time breathing.

"It's okay, Perry. You'll be all right. Don't worry. You'll get help."

Everything went black.

"Agency hospital." Ernest said. His voice sounded very far away. "Let's go."