Hello you lovely people! It's been awhile! That's completely my bad. Oops. Wish I had a good excuse but I'll just say 'life'.

I also want to give a warning towards the end of this chapter. Dark content ahead so you've been warned!

Disclaimer: I wish I owned something Potter related but fanfiction is as close as I'm ever going to get!

Chapter Six: Desecrate

Some things you let go in order to live
While all around you, the buildings sway
You sing it out loud, "who made us this way?"
I know you're bleeding, but you'll be okay
Hold on to your heart, you'll keep it safe
Hold on to your heart

Various Storms and Saints, Florence and the Machine

Lily stretched out her hand and slapped haphazardly at the side table. A groan of satisfaction left her lips as her hand hit the right spot on her alarm clock, effectively terminating the loud beeping. "Bloody thing," she mumbled as she turned over back in her bed. The blankets were too comfy to leave. Their warmth too gracious to get up just yet.

"Up and at 'em, Lily dear," Eva said from the next bed over. "You have a date to get ready for and I'll be damned if I let you out of my dorm looking like that."

After the horror of the shirtless Potter fiasco, Lily had effectively been hiding out in her old dorm. Who cared about maturity when every time she passed Potter in the hall, her eyes wandered down over his chest, her cheeks red with the memory of what lied beneath that cotton. Her body was betraying her and she'd be damned if she let Potter on to that.

"Come on, get up. Seriously," Eva spoke again. Early mornings had become a part of the blonde's routine. Hair that good didn't just happen on its own account.

"I can't," Lily moaned. "These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I get up, I betray the trust I've worked so hard to get."

Eva snorted. "Worked so hard for, eh? All that sleeping must really be exhausting."

"You have no idea." Lily rolled over and flopped back into her pillow. "Wake me when it's time to go."

Grabbing the nearest object within reach, Eva threw a slipper and Lily's head. A muffled cry alerted Eva of a shot well hit. "It's time to go now. Hit the showers and then I'll deal with your hair and makeup afterwards."

Lily sat up indignant, awake at the implied insult. "What's wrong with how I do my hair?"

"Nothing, dearest."

With one last displeased grunt, Lily threw her bed sheets off and began preparing herself for the day. In truth, she was glad Eva had forced her into the shower. The warm water always eased away her stresses, at least for the ten minutes she allowed herself to bathe. The feeling of cleanliness was a grateful reprise to the feeling of unease in her stomach. How she had ended up on a date, no, it wasn't a date, a casual interaction with Liam, was still beyond her. She couldn't quite tell if she was doing it for her own enjoyment or to just spite Potter. Both perhaps. Either way, Potter would not ruin this day for her. She was planning to enjoy herself out at the quidditch pitch. Potter was banned from her thoughts.

"Oh good, I thought you had drowned in the shower," Eva said as Lily finally stepped out from the bathroom, her resolution of a Potter free day strong.

"I wasn't in there that long," Lily justified as she sat down in front of Eva's vanity.

"Long enough for the seasons to change." Lily groaned as Eva shoved a brush violently through her tangled curls. "God good woman, when was the last time you brushed this mess?"

Lily batted Eva's hand away, indicating she would do it herself. "I brushed it in the shower."

Eva gave a disbelieving snort. "Remind me to get you a curl relaxing potion for your birthday." Satisfied with her detangle job, Lily surrendered the brush back to Eva. "How does a loose fish tail braid sound to you? Keep those curls in check." Lily shrugged in agreement, not overly concerned about what style her hair was fashioned in. Functionality was more her forte.

Forty minutes later, Lily stepped down into the common room with Eva trailing close behind. Skinny jeans, a white blouse and flats completed the look. Alice who happened to be an even earlier riser that Eva had made it down to breakfast already and was seated in the couch facing the fireplace, a book open on her lap. Eva cleared her throat loudly to alert Alice of their presence. The brunette placed a book mark to indicate her page and turned to face her friends. "Oh Lily, you look lovely!" she cooed with affection.

"You think? It not my usual style." Lily awkwardly tugged at the blouse she had borrowed from Eva upon her insistence.

"You look beautiful," Alice reassured.

"Of course she does. Who do you think dressed her, an amateur? Ha!" Eva scoffed as she slapped Lily's hand away from the hem of the shirt. "And now this pro is hungry. Let's be on with it and hurry down for lunch before Lily has to run off on her date." Eva's hand went up to stop Lily before the words could leave her mouth. "I don't care if you don't think it's a date. Let's just get our buts moving, okay?"

Without another word of complaint, Lily followed in Eva's wake, Alice trailing behind.

By the time the girls had made it down to the hall for lunch Sirius had cleaned off his third helping. "Any more and you're gonna be sick," James warned with a brotherly affection as he to finished his last bite.

"I couldn't disagree with you more, Jamsie. This body needs its man fuel to function at optimal level," Sirius said as he licked his fingers one by one. "I have a satisfaction guarantee policy and I never disappoint. Can't deliver if I'm hungry."

"And what kind of satisfaction are you guaranteeing?" James asked with a mischievous grin.

Remus set his fork down, a loss of appetite at the direction the conversation was going. "Don't encourage him, James."

"I'd like to know," Peter quipped in with honest curiosity.

Both Sirius and James grinned as Remus picked up his utensil once more, shoving the food around his plate. "Why do I even bother?"

Heads hunched together as if they were sharing the most critical secret, Sirius whispered something into Peter's ear, the round boy's face flushing red. "And it works every time? 100% guarantee?"

"Every. Single. Time." James laughed as Sirius gave Peter a good pat on the back. "Feel free to try it out sometime." A sheepish grin spread over Peter's face. "Just be gentle until you've mastered it." Distracted now by the girls entrance, Sirius gave James a good shove in the arm. "Oh Prongs, look who got all dressed up for today. Our little Lily bean!"

James' eyes found her almost immediately and he cursed how accurate his Lily radar was. Sitting between her two friends, Lily chatted easily as she picked at her food. How he longed to know what she was saying. He had gotten only two words in edgewise since that night. She had been actively avoiding him since. He had nearly cornered her in the hallway after transfiguration. He had a full speech ready to spill explaining himself, or rather Sirius. Sirius was the mastermind behind it all anyways. But damn she was fast. Surely she would see reason though? He was a victim as much as she was. Although having a very embarrassed Lily beneath him hadn't been a bad experience at all. In fact the scene had played on repeat in his head for the past couple days. Every detail he could recall was brought back to mind over and over again. Her body beneath his. Their breaths mingling together for the briefest of moments. Her heart hammering into his. He was getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.

James shifted uncomfortably in his seat. By God, he needed a cold shower and fast. Thank the graces he had on multiple layers from his quidditch uniform.

"James?" Sirius asked, pulling the boy out of his day dream.

"Huh?" was his very graceful response.

Sirius lifted and eyebrow. "I asked if you were ready to go soon. We still have to get the cloak from your room. Or did you not want to spy on the Ravenclaw tryouts?"

James cleared his throat and tore his eyes away from Lily. Subtlety was not his strong suit. As if he was fooling anyone anyways. The boy wore his heart on his sleeve for all to see. "No, no. I'm good to go."

"You sure? I can wait another minute if you're not done ogling her," Sirius added with a snicker. "I mean you might as well write 'Lily Addict' on your forehead. In permanent ink too. Just in case anyone was confused." James smacked his lips together, holding back any retort he had ready to fire at Sirius. "Thought so," Sirius chuckled.

"Shall we be on our way, then?" James asked as he pushed himself away from the table.

Sirius followed in his lead. "Right behind you, my love struck friend."

As they excited the hall, James had to will himself to keep walking past Lily. His feet nearly stumbled, scratch that, did stumble and he walked by, his body at war with his mind. With a mortified look creeping on his face, James pleaded to the gods that she had missed his minor trip. A quick glance back indicated she had been ignoring him the entire time. Thank god. Letting out an uneasy breath, James left the room with Sirius on his heels. He knew as soon as they were out of earshot, Sirius would have something to say about his deft footwork.

Lily sat on the bench of the Gyffindor stands not quite sure if she should be here or in the Ravenclaw section. Looking out onto the field, Liam was pairing the hopefuls off and outlining the drills he would be running with them. Upon entering the stadium, she had briefly hugged the quidditch captain before he rushed off to start the tryouts. Every now and then, the boy would look up from the drills and give Lily a quick wave. It was charming that he kept checking in on her. He was clearly trying to impress her with his own skills when it came down to showing the rookies how to do something. To be honest, she enjoyed the little shows he put on for her. Liam lacked the arrogance behind his skills. It was an honest pride that shone through instead. Hard work and training paying off. At one point, Liam even pretended to fall off his broom, Lily standing up in shock. Quickly the shock turned to laughter as a goofy grin split on Liam's face as he righted himself.

What she had once been dreading turned into an entertaining experience and a lovely afternoon spent outside. It was nice to be so high up also. The air seemed fresher somehow, more pure. She would have to do this more often. It's was easy to get coupled up inside and lose oneself in the confines of the castle. Out here, Lily was reminded to ease up on her woes and relax, if just for a short time.

Startled by a thumping sound, Lily turned quickly, her hand reaching for her wand which wasn't there. How quickly the sense of peace was ruined. Scanning the stands, Lily came up short for any explanation of the sound. How odd. Probably the stands settling. The wood looked ancient and had probably seen more feet than most football stadiums. Convinced of her small area of isolation, Lily returned her attention to the stands. She felt little comfort though for the remainder of the practice. As soon as the tryouts finished, Lily headed for the stairs leading down to the grounds.

At the bottom of the stairwell, Lily gave one last look behind her and pushed open the door to an exposed hallway. Relief swelled through her as she was greeted with a busy corridor full of Gryffindor team hopefuls. Shaking the jittery feeling off, Lily pressed herself against the wall, knowing it wouldn't be long before Liam was out of the locker room.

Before too long, the Gryffindor rookies began filing into the stadium, leaving behind one very tall captain. Lily groaned as James remained behind, a broom in one hand and a quaffle in the other. "Oh, you," Lily managed. It was better than the diction she had wanted to use.

"Yes, me," James countered shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"What do you want?" Lily asked none too politely.

You. "Nothing really. You going to watch the tryouts?" He tried so hard to keep the longing out of his voice.

Lily crossed her arms and leaned back against the wall. The cool stone felt good pressed into her back. "No. I just watched the Ravenclaws. I think that's enough quidditch for one day."

"Oh."

"Yup."

"So... You think they have a shot at beating us in a game?"

"Can't really tell when no one's picked their team yet."

"Right."

"Right." Lily uncrossed her arms and started picking at the hem of her shirt.

"So about that night," James blurted out. Damn, he hadn't meant to bring it up. He was finally having a civil conversation with Lily. Why did he always have to ruin a good thing?

Lily pushed herself off the wall. Now was as good a time as any to leave. "Excuse me, I have to go."

James dropped the quaffle and instinctively reached out for Lily's arm. "Lily, please."

There was only one reason Lily didn't brush his hand away, only one cause for her hesitation. It was the look in his eyes. And what a dangerous look it was. Dangerous in the sense that it made her weak in the knees. James Potter had made her become a cliché but Lily barely noticed. Her mind was rummaging for a time he had looked equally desperate and deflated but she came up short. James was pure frustration and distress and he wasn't even trying to hide it. Oh how the mighty could fall.

Coming to her senses, Lily pulled her arm back, James' hand releasing it dejectedly. "I don't want to hear what you have to say. I have never felt so degraded in my life," she spoke slowly. If he wanted to do this now, then he was going to have it. All of it.

James cringed at the word 'degraded'. Did she really presume he would stoop to such a level? "You have to know I would never do anything like that. Not intentionally of course!"

"You know what your problem is, Potter? You have no limits. No filters. You don't think, you just do and you don't care who gets hurt in the process." Now it was her turn to advance on him, only her energy was negative. "It's always been that way, since day one. You wouldn't know common courtesy if it slapped you in the face!" Lily's anger was rolling off of her in waves, suppressing James to the wall. Her finger violently poked him in the chest, accentuating her points. "You have this spoiled attitude that has done you absolutely no favours. You get everything handed to you on a silver platter and you take and take and take. That's all you do. You use and abuse and you throw it away when you're done with it. I mean that's what this whole thing is anyways. I'm the one thing you can't collect. It's all part of the game and I'm the biggest prize. I'll bet your sorry arse you would throw me away when you were done with me too!" Lily was red in the face. Her breath was coming out in spurts trying to keep up with the words falling out of her mouth.

The defeated look in James' eyes had faded and turned to one of dysphoria. She had accused him of many things over the years but this one was new. This one hurt deeper than all the previous insults. James dropped his eyes from Lily's gaze. How could he meet her eyes with such terrible words on her tongue for him?

"I hope you know that I would never use you. But I guess the damage is done. Excuse me." Pushing himself off the wall, James bent down to the retrieve the fallen quaffle. Without turning to look back, James left the small hallway and exited onto the quidditch pitch.

Lily dropped her arm from where she had been jabbing James in the chest. An ache had settled in her chest where she would have expected triumph. She had finally defeated Potter and crushed his spirit. She had bested him with her words and instead of elation, a sense of dread nagged at her. Winning was supposed to be fun. This was in fact the opposite.

Angry with herself, Lily spent the rest of the afternoon avoiding contact with anyone. She had brushed off Liam, muttering something about not feeling well and headed toward the castle. The astronomy tower would provide optimal seclusion as the sun was still up and no one felt like getting ahead on their homework.

Finding a nook with a view that overlooked the lake near the top of the tower, Lily nestled in and rested her head against the window. She found solace as the sun began to dip behind the hills, indicating the approaching night. Before long, Lily's eyes began to close of their own accord. The heavy guilt she felt pulled them down closed, as if she could hide from her remorse.

Giving one last sigh, Lily slipped into an uncomfortable sleep.

James pushed off the ground with an aggressive kick and shot into the air. In the short span it took him to walk away from Lily to the field, his melancholy had turned to anger. Pure unadulterated anger. If he was to try to and sort this newfound temper, he would have placed the blame on Lily. If only he was thinking that clearly. He had tried, hadn't he? He was ready to pour his heart out to her and ask for her forgiveness and instead he was lambasted with cruel insults to his character. She had torn him up a good one and there had been no remorse.

He had always chalked their relationship down to petty arguments covering an underlying attraction that Lily denied herself of. James was the same, only he embraced his attraction to her. It was the unsatisfied sexual tension that kept them at each other. That was how it was supposed to be. Classic good girl/bad boy match up who ended up being the best for one another despite the social hierarchy. That's what all the rom com movies preached anyway, if he remembered correctly from muggle studies class. It seemed they were entering new territory. The drama genre. Those never seemed to end so well.

For the next hour and a half, James took his frustration out on the quidditch pitch and the poor souls who dared to try out. By the end, three people had dropped out and one student sported a sprained wrist. Those who had survived were invited back for a second try out before the final cut. With feet planted firmly on the ground, James hit the locker room showers before retiring to the castle. Any questioning looks from Sirius were ignored and dinner was spent with James maintaining the same distant anger.

A quick good night to his friends and James was off to wander the castle alone.

"What's got his knickers in a knot?" Sirius asked as soon as James turned out of the great hall.

"How am I supposed to know? You're the one who spent the afternoon with him," Remus answered.

Sirius huffed with frustration. "The dude wouldn't tell me anything. Wait a minute, I did fall off the bench while we were leaving after spying on the Ravenclaw tryouts. Almost gave away our whereabouts to Lily. Do you think that could be it?"

"Again, I wasn't there," Remus said.

Sirius shook his head. "No, I don't think that's it. He seemed happy enough staring at her the whole time. I don't think he learned anything about the other team though. Waste of a perfectly good stake out if you ask me."

"Maybe he and Lily got into another row," Peter suggested.

"Couldn't be," Sirius dejected. "Lily's been avoiding him like the plague. Damn boy's just a mystery then."

Lily awoke after the sun had completely settled behind the horizon, her body stiff from the awkward position she had fallen asleep in. Looking out the window, small stars whispered across the night sky, the moon a waning crescent in the distance.

Extracting her limbs from the nook, Lily stretched out her joints earning a satisfying crack from her back. Walking down from the tower, Lily past a classroom with a clock settled on the back wall. 12:16. Well damn. She had been out for a while. A loud grumble from her stomach indicated her lack of dinner. Determining the kitchens were a pretty solid bet for finding food, Lily took off in that direction.

It was rather eerie, the castle at night. Shadows that didn't belong in the day stretched across the halls, each one like a silent guardian. Using her hand as a guide when the windows provided inadequate lighting, Lily passed through a corridor before being met by a violent shove.

A gasp escaped from her before a hand covered her mouth, a heavy force throwing her against the wall.

"Well looky here," a snide voice crooned. "A mud blood out late all on her own. Didn't think Potter would let you go unattended." Avery Mulciber, a lanky seventh year Slytherin spat. Lily tried shifting her weight in a panic, attempting to throw her accoster off his balance. The Slytherin readjusted himself. "Trying to get away, are we?" With as much force as she could muster, Lily bit down on the hand covering her mouth, causing Avery to let go momentarily. "You bitch!" he screamed.

Lily darted down in an attempt to go the opposite way Avery would instinctively move but the boy was fast. Catching Lily's right forearm, Avery grabbed at it savagely, pulling her up and pinning her to the wall once more. A slight whimper left her lips and his iron grip began cutting off her circulation. Shoving his forearm into her throat, Lily gagged. "Go ahead, scream for me." Lily chocked out a ragged sound, her attention split between the lack of oxygen and the pain in her arm.

A wicked light flashed in Avery's eye and his arm dropped from her throat. Lily coughed violently as she greedily took in the air before a new horror took over. Avery's free hand had began creeping under her shirt, violating any dignity she had left. "Do it. Scream." Lily took in another desperate breath, willing herself to focus. The adrenaline racing through her mixed with amounting fear, clouding her judgment. Failing her legs, Lily kicked wildly, managing to hit Avery in his groin, the boy dropping her instantly. "Fuck!" he yelled, hitting the floor, a hand over his groin.

Lily didn't wait for him to advance again. Scrambling to her feet and running on pure adrenaline, Lily raced down the hall, her mind on safety alone. It was only after a five minute sprint did she look back for her assailant. Empty.

Lily collapsed on the hallway floor, heavy sobs racking her body. Never had she ever felt so violated, so vulnerable before. Heart pounding a mile a minute, Lily curled into herself, tears pouring down her face. She was hyperventilating now, her vision going blurry with light headedness. She couldn't calm down. Panic attack, the words formed in the back of her mind helplessly. What a terrible and consuming thing it was.

Collecting herself seemed way out of proportion. This was everything and everything was this. Nothing else belonged.

What seemed like an eternity passed before Lily's breathing regulated. She was shivering from the cold sweat that covered her body, exhausted from the physical expenditure. Peeling herself off the floor, Lily all but dragged her feet towards her room. All she wanted was her bed. It was all she could do to make it there without collapsing again.

Mumbling the password, the picture blocking the Heads dorm swung open. Lily slogged in, greeted with an empty common room. She didn't think she could handle Potter if he was there. Finally in her room, Lily closed the door quietly and slummed against the door. Drained of everything but the need for sleep, Lily closed her eyes, not sure if she would ever be ready to open them again.

JL JL JL JL JL JL JL

As someone who's personally experienced panic attacks, I can't stress enough how debilitating they are. It's hard to put something so emotionally and physically connected into words but there you go.

Let me know what you think! This story is becoming very personal so I'd love to hear how you feel about it! Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing though haha. Guess we'll find out!