MapleleafCameo and I would like to thank Mattsloved1 for bravely stepping in to play our Lestrade – if you haven't already read her work then hurry and read it now! But do come back afterwards to read this!

xXx

To set the scene: Early this morning Sherlock and John attended a crime scene. Straight from there John went to work at Dr Sawyer's clinic. On returning home he finds something nasty in the fridge, but it wouldn't have been quite so bad if he hadn't been so tired…

To Sherlock: 'Sherlock, there's a plate in the fridge. Not just any plate, this one has a nose on it - it looks suspiciously like the nose from that body that was hacked up at that crime scene today - got something you want to tell me? - JW'

To John: 'What does it smell like? – SH'

To Lestrade (accidentally): 'Are you trying to be funny? Don't, it doesn't suit you! It's a nose, Sherlock, a bloody nose! - JW'

To John: 'I'm sure it isn't the worst thing you've found living there. – GL'

To Greg: 'What? Greg? What are you on about? - JW'

To Sherlock: 'Are you ignoring me Sherlock? - JW'

To John: 'I merely asked you if the nose smelled. You haven't replied to me yet. I am rather busy John. Get on with it - SH'

To John: 'John, you texted me. And if it's the nose I think it is, and it better be, then don't toss it out! – GL'

To Sherlock: 'I just texted you and...hang on...- JW'

To Sherlock: 'Oh fuck! I think I texted Greg instead of you. I hope you didn't steal that nose! – JW'

To Lestrade: 'Sorry Greg, ignore me, it's been a long day - JW'

To Sherlock: 'And I don't know - I'm not bloody sniffing it! - JW'

To John: 'JOHN! Greg doesn't know I have that nose! You texted him? Well he can't have it back .I need it to prove it was the clown and not the acrobat – SH'

To John: 'You have to smell it. If it smells like almonds, it was the clown - SH'

To John: 'Sorry, mate, I meant it had better not be the nose - GL'

To Sherlock: 'Sherlock, is there something in your flat that shouldn't be? - GL'

To Lestrade: 'I am sure there are many things in the flat that shouldn't be there. You will have to be more precise - SH'

For Sherlock, to both (accidentally): 'If I sniff it, what's in it for me, sexy? - JW'

To Sherlock: 'Is that so? Time for me to bring Anderson and Donovan around is it? – GL'

To John: 'John, you're a good friend and all but please don't – GL'

For John, to both (accidentally): 'Well John as you will be doing me an immense favour and as it does involve evidence from a crime scene, stolen evidence, I will do whatever it is you want. Including that thing we do that makes you beg me. And this time I will make you beg twice - SH'

To Lestrade: 'Please, Lestrade. Don't frighten me with your minions. If you have something to prove, be a man and come to the flat yourself. Besides which by the time we both get there I will have solved this absurdly simple case, if John will just smell the nose! – SH'

To Sherlock: 'Twice? - JW'

To John: 'Twice. What's more I will be on my knees in front of you. On my knees, looking up at you, watching you with my eyes, doing unimaginably wicked things with my clever, clever tongue. Think about it John. SH'

To John: 'For the love of God can't the two of you behave for one day? And tell me true, is there a nose in your flat? – GL'

To Sherlock: 'Sherlock! No! Just no! -GL'

To Lestrade: 'Of course there's a nose in our flat - it's attached to my face! - JW'

To Sherlock: 'Will you use your teeth too? - JW'

To John: 'John, if you two don't stop I will send Mycroft over to your flat. See how that works with what you have planned! – GL'

To Sherlock: 'Sherlock - he's threatening me with your brother. I don't think I ought to smell that nose now. He deserves to not solve the case. Shall I hide it? - JW'

To both (deliberately): 'Teeth, lips, hands, whatever it takes to make you scream my name - SH'

To Lestrade: 'Want to watch Lestrade? Want to bring my brother and learn a few things? - SH'

To John: 'He can't threaten me with Mycroft. I just threatened him with Mycroft. SH"

To John: 'I expect such behaviour from him. Doesn't he get you into enough situations as it is? – GL'

To Sherlock: 'You really are a bad influence on him. It's bad enough with just you – GL'

To both (accidentally): 'Oh dear God! It smells of almonds, Sherlock - how quick can you get here? - JW'

To John: 'I'll be there right away! The Clown! I knew there was something funny about him! SH'

To both (deliberately): 'John, you're buying for the next three months we meet at the pub for all your lying! Sherlock, you'll be lucky if I don't give you a detailed account of how good your brother is in bed. And the both of you! Stop texting me about your sex life! – GL'

To Lestrade: 'Sorry mate – JW'