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LadySharkey1 rocks my world by being the most amazing, kick-ass beta I could ever imagine.

32.

Edward felt strange as he watched Bella walk out onto the field. On the one hand he was happy with the way things were progressing. She was talking to him, which was a hell of a lot more than he could have ever hoped for, and she even seemed to listen to what he had to say. On the other hand, though, the slow progress made him itch for more.

He knew it was out there; up for grabs if only he could be patient enough and prove that he really was a changed man.

But that was just it: Edward had never been a patient man.

And he was starving for more.

Hungry for another taste of her.

When he'd rushed up to the ballfield, he'd been quick to spot her standing somewhere in the outfield, her focus more on the ground than on the game taking place around her. Edward would have been lying if he didn't admit that the disappointment she so keenly showed didn't make his heart stutter in his chest. After all, as much as he hated to be the one responsible for it, the fact that she showed disappointment in the first place meant that she'd been looking forward to his arrival.

And that was progress.

Another thing that Edward had noticed was that he wasn't the only one admiring the fine shape of Bella Swan. As unaware as she seemed to be of it, college kids were ogling her left, right and center. One of her teammates could barely even stop the drool from dripping out of the corners of his mouth as he walked behind her towards the bleachers.

Shaking his head to gather his senses, he had to sit on his hands to keep from doing something that would inevitably cost him his final shot at mending things between him and the girl he loved.

Yes, loved.

He was no longer scared to admit the emotions he felt whenever she crossed his mind. Where the thought alone had completely freaked him out before, therapy had helped him get in touch with the emotions he'd tried to keep at bay for most of his life.

He felt things now, and was more keenly and acutely aware than he had ever allowed himself before. Though he could have done without the pain, his guilt, and the longing for things he couldn't have, the pride he felt in his recovery, and the hope for a better future, were nice things to feel.

As well as all the conflicting emotions Bella Swan managed to stir inside of him.

Though that wasn't anything new, his therapist had pointed out.

Bella had always been uniquely able to crash through all of his defenses and make his cold, black heart break open with beaming, scary rays of early morning sunlight while sharing a meal in the sandy dunes. It had scared the shit out of him and that's what had gotten them into this mess. But he'd learned to embrace that fear.

He also wanted the peace and quiet of the very same family life he'd been disgusted by only a year ago.

He'd grown up.

Finally!

Watching Bella walk back onto the field with a lot more swing in her step and a smile on her face, made his heart soar knowing he had been the one responsible for it. True, they weren't anywhere near a place where he allowed himself to hope for a full reconciliation, but the fact that he'd just talked about wanting that without her running for the hills or slapping him again was progress.

But what was next?

As he watched Bella skillfully dodge every form of ball contact, he started thinking about all the possibilities and impossibilities that came with their situation in life. She was a college student, fixed to one particular spot in the world, whereas he was a vagrant musician, going wherever his music took him. He could put down roots in New York—buy an apartment and call it his home—but that didn't mean he would actually get to spend any time there.

Making music was his thing. He loved it and he enjoyed sharing his passion with an audience. Even though the thought of going back on tour still scared him to the point of feeling sick, the thought of never doing it again was worse.

But then he couldn't very well ask Bella to give up her dreams either, especially not when he was clinging so tightly to his.

Edward knew that if he wanted to keep himself from making the same mistakes he did before, he would have to discuss this with Bella instead of filling in all the blanks on his own. But the thing was that time was starting to run out. The record was already starting to take shape, with the old songs taking to their new arrangements like fish to the water and Aro and his new record company were already looking into touring schedules and finding venues suitable to his new, stripped down style of music.

If he wanted to leave New York with any sort of security about where things were heading between them he would have to move quick, before someone else claimed his spot by her side.

He sighed, his lips curling into a smile as he watched how the boys on Bella's team showed off their skills in a desperate attempt to impress her. Part of him wanted to dismiss them as insignificant—after all they were just boys where he was a man—but the new and improved part knew that things weren't that easy. Not when they were already one point ahead for never having caused her heartbreak.

"Well, that wasn't so bad," Bella remarked as she flopped down next to him again.

Edward chuckled, whistling as Mike literally hit the ball out of the park. "You picked up one ball that was rolling straight towards you and managed to throw it to one of your teammates. I hardly call that playing!"

"That's why it wasn't so bad." Bella smiled smugly as she settled in next to him to watch the boys hit one base hit after another while the other team was starting to look more defeated by the second. "I'd even go as far as to say that my team is fucking good in spite of me."

"Look at you cursing up a storm!" Edward teased, enjoying himself immediately as he watched her cheeks blush a vibrant pink. "College is a bad influence on you, Bella Swan!" He chuckled as he playfully bumped her shoulder with his.

"I believe you're quite alone in your opinion," Bella parried. "Most of my friends think I've come leaps and bounds from the shy, heartbroken girl I was when I first started out here."

The sharpness of her words combined with a blush that could have come from both a pace of anger or a keen awareness of the stinging effects of her words made him realize once more just how much their breakup had affected her. And in that moment, Edward couldn't have felt the weight of his shame more strongly if he'd tried. There he'd been, drowning his self-pity in alcohol and sticking his head in the sand about the real reasons he was feeling so fucking miserable while she had actually gone out there and made something of herself.

"I'm glad you did," he finally answered, his voice low and his eyes unable to meet hers for fear of the reproach they'd hold. "I know it may seem strange, considering my actions, but I've only ever wanted what was best for you."

"Oh, please!" Bella groaned angrily, shifting away from him on the bench. "Not that bullshit again! I know it may help you sleep at night to tell yourself that you were only doing it for me, but deep down we both know that you did it because you freaked out that I got too close and you were scared of how that made you feel."

"There was part of it," Edward acknowledged, holding up his hand before Bella could lash out in anger again. "A big part, I admit, but I also know what I thought back then and as warped and conceited as it may seem, I thought I was also doing what was best for you."

"By making unilateral decisions?" Bella snorted, her voice full of sarcasm as she continued, "Yeah, you were so selfless back then, for sure." She shook her head in disbelief.

"I was stupid and blind…" Edward sighed, knowing the weight and importance of his words. "And arrogant, and selfish…and did I mention stupid?"

"So at least we agree on that," Bella mumbled, signaling something to her friends as her team walked back out on the field. "But I suppose now I'm supposed to believe that you did a one-eighty in rehab?"

"I'm still me." Edward shrugged, watching as someone else took Bella's place in the outfield. "I guess I can still be cocky and stupid, just like a lot of people out there." He shrugged again, having a hard time explaining the difference the months behind him had made. "What therapy did, I suppose, was cure my blindness…at least where it came to my ability to fix the bad things in my life instead of just accepting them as is and appreciating the good…feeling worthy even."

"Good for you," Bella mumbled and in that moment, he could hear that she really meant it, just like she seemed to be supportive of him every time he talked about his progress.

"It feels like it." He chuckled, realizing just how true his words were, because where most people would have taken the lightness of a mind free of demons for granted, it was still something completely new to him. "It's still early days, though, and…like I said earlier, I'm still scared shitless of falling back into old patterns."

"Don't," Bella was quick to insert, "because I think I like the new and improved version of Edward Masen a whole lot better…even though he can be a little pretentious with all the self-analyzing psych speak."

Edward smiled, his heart throbbing as he caught something in her eyes that fed his hope. "I know I have no right to ask this…hell, I'm going against every single piece of advice that both my therapist and my sponsor gave me, but I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me when you're done here. I know a cute place nearby. You know, just two friends having dinner. Nothing else."

He didn't know what he expected after his rant. Maybe for her to laugh at the breathless delivery or slap him in the face again. He was surprised, though, at the lengthy silence in which she visibly pondered his proposal. As well as her answer, when it finally came. "What do you want from me?"

It was time to be brutally honest. He knew it would be the only thing that could provoke progress. "You know what I want, Bella," he said. "I've told you: I want you, in whichever way you'll let me have you."

Bella let out a little huff. "How do you even see that happening?" she questioned. "How am I supposed to trust you after the stunt you pulled?"

He remained calm, thinking very carefully about his reply before he gave it. "I know it will take time but I'm a patient man." He realized the mistake even before the words left his mouth but he was still powerless to stop them.

She laughed, her head falling backwards with humor as she struggled to calm herself again. "Since when?"

"Touché." He grinned because, yeah, that had been a very silly and 'therapy pretentious' answer of him. "I'm still the same pushy, impatient dickhead I was before all of this went down, but, I mean, I could be patient if I had to."

Bella turned serious again. "And what if…or when, you conclude that I'm not worth the hassle anymore?" she questioned.

"I'm not the 'to hell with the consequences' guy you met anymore, Bella," Edward confessed. "I want to make plans for the future even though I lack a crystal ball and know I'm still a fucked up idiot underneath." He sighed, rubbing the stubble on his chin. "I know I'm asking for a huge leap of faith here, and I know that I have zero right to do so but, I'm here; I'm laying all my cards on the table, because I know it's the only way for us to go forward."

She looked at him—for a painful, excoriatingly long time she captured his gaze with hers as she carefully peeled away all the layers of defense he'd put there, but the message she saw reflected there was still the same.

And then…

A small smile formed on her lips as her head cocked to the side and she finally spoke. "Well, I guess a friendly dinner can't hurt…as long as you're paying."

Thoughts?