Title: In the End
Rating: T
Word Count: 1,016
Summary: The Eleventh Doctor looks back on how he felt about Clara and how he treated her while he stayed in the Town Christmas while regenerating.
Character(s): 11th Doctor, Clara Oswald
Song Lyrics: 'The Kids Aren't All Right', by Fall Out Boy
*Authors note at the end
Stuck in the jetwash
Bad trip I couldn't get off
And maybe I bit off more than I could chew
And overhead of the aqua blue
Fall to your knees bring on the rapture
Blessed be the boys time can't capture
On film or between the sheets
I always fall from your window to the pitch black streets
And with the black banners raised as the crooked smiles fade
Former heroes who quit too late
Just wanna fill up the trophy case again
He was dying, well this face, his face was going to change. He was regenerating and it hurt; not the physical pain of burning- that was numbed against the pain of not being the same for her. Would he be the same childlike mad man who was trying to hide all the pain of the past? Would he still love her the way he was currently? But what he worried about more than anything was if she would still love him with a new face.
He hoped she would. And he knew that out of all people in the Universe that she would understand, that she would accept his regeneration. After all, he was still the same man underneath; he was still The Doctor. He still would love her and that was certain.
He had missed her when he was stuck in Christmas for those three hundred (give or take) years. He never had wanted to send her away; he wished he could have spent that time with her, kissing her, loving her, just being with her. She was spectacular- she was his supernova. He was nothing but dust and ashes without her. She had saved him so many times before. She had saved him today to, but it came with a price.
It had always been this way, and he assumed it always will be. He never listened to his head- he was supposed to be clever, he was supposed to listen to his head; but how could he when all his hearts did was scream her name? Maybe it wasn't always her name, but they always shouted somebody's, because you have to at least love someone. He was lucky to have loved and been loved by so many- and none had loved him more than Clara Oswald. She had sacrificed so much for him, and she was always there, she was always looking for a way to save him. (Well her echoes were, but they were still part of her.)
In a way, he realized he shouldn't have sent her away all those years ago. He knew it was going to leave scars on her heart. She had just wanted to help him; he didn't want to help her meet her grave, not on Christmas; so he had sent her back to Earth in his only means of escape- but he loved her enough to help her out though it too pained him.
He always had been lonely, though he had never felt alone until he had to spend all that time away from her. He had the children; he had to stay strong for the children and the people of Christmas. He had to save them. He would try to save them for her. And he did. He did save them; he kept fighting, and he did everything for her. He told the children about her; he told them about the impossible girl and her Doctor. He told them about all their adventures and all the time she had saved him while he was too busy saving others to worry about himself.
But she came back; she always did. He had never wanted her to see him this way- nobody was supposed to. She had been so brave for him. He was getting old. But he had taken her to see the sunrise and sunset. Just like hope, it had come and gone so fast. Then Handles had died; and he was reminded of how the same would happen to Clara if she were to stay with him. He led her to the TARDIS and promised her he would never again send her away.
He lied, of course- that's rule number one; the Doctor lies. He was devastated; he had missed her and was bound to miss her even more; but he would be shattered if he had to bury her here. And he waited. He waited and waited and waited. (And he fought all those Daleks and Cybermen and other things that he cares not to remember) But she came back, just like she had before. This time she looked hurt, and this time he looked much older; he was dying.
She screamed at him with those eyes of hers without even muttering a single word. She looked so upset; she looked so broken and betrayed- and he could not blame her. If someone had done that to him he would feel the same. She was Clara Oswald and he loved her and he did everything he could to protect her. He didn't care what she thought as long as she was safe. Deep down, he knew that she understood that he had to stay here to protect the children of Christmas; deep down he knew that she would forgive him (eventually), but it wouldn't be in his lifetime. He was dying. There was no way to save him.
So once again, Clara Oswald did the Impossible. (After all, she was the impossible girl) She saved him. That Crack in the wall had listened to her- and they gave him the gift of life, but with a price. He was to change, not like those political mantras promised, but as in a different face, a different body, a different everything. Which brings him to the now, where Clara's begging him not to change; but it's too late and all he wants now is to kiss her and never let go.
But it's too late. He's always too late and she's crying and he's crying too. And it hurts; it's burning and he doesn't want to go; but he must- it is the only way. He's cheating death once again, and no matter what happens he will always remember; he will always remember what Clara Oswald means to him. He will never forget when the Doctor was him.
And in the end
I'd do it all again
I think you're my best friend
Don't you know that the kids aren't all, kids aren't alright
I'll be yours
When it rains it pours
Stay thirsty I'll be fine
Don't you know that the kids aren't all, kids aren't alright
Hello! here's this. this was supposed to be a Christmas one shot, but i was able to pre-order American Beauty/American Psycho, the New Fall Out Boy album that's to come out in January, and i instantly fell in love with the song 'The Kids Aren't Alright' and i was like- this works so much better than the all i want for Christmas you song that i was going to use.
I highly suggest you go on over to you tube and listen to it because i love it so much and i feel that anyone could easily relate to it (I do.)
The CHRIStmAs SpecIAL WAs AmazINg AnD AfldkgJ Goith oijlfkajgorigjprogjl;kfj sldiugf oigalda vjg.
sorry. anyway, please review favorite and follow because it means a lot to me. Happy new Year! ilysm!
Xoxo,
bleuboxes