Lord Darth Yoda - Yeah what Sascha did is, uh, not a good idea. It does show how desperate he was though. I'd say what Sascha did was very close to what Kylo was doing in TFA. Except doing that technique to a Force sensitive is not a good idea, see Ren, Kylo.
Speechbubbleme- Thanks. I really like that chapter, but sometimes I read it and wonder if people would get too confused. It's an 'ambitious' chapter to be sure.
Mr. Insane - What happened in Nara's mind was basically - she's re-living her nightmare, and then Sascha enters her mind. To make sense of this intrusion, her mind does the logical thing and replaces the faceless Jedi with Sascha. So basically, Nara's nightmare gets changed because Sascha was stupid enough to try to invade Nara's mind without having any sort of plan to deal with things.
A/N - I've got nothing to add. Were are going to start getting in the homestretch of this one. It's been a long one, and hopefully the conclusion will be satisfying.
Anyways please enjoy the next chapter.
Chapter 50: Voices
What kind of Jedi do I hope he is?
I can't tell you that. But I can tell you what kind of man I hope he will become. I hope he'll have friends to confide in, to laugh with. I hope he has a special someone that lights up his life whenever they are around. I hope he has people watching over him, people that care if he lives or dies. I hope that wherever he goes they'll say 'That was Sascha Whitestar, and he did his best.'
My hopes for Sascha would be the same if he were a Jedi or a Janitor. Being a good person is its own reward.
-Excerpt from 'My Son, the Jedi' by Donah and Robry Whitestar
Sascha was so stunned by Nara attacking him, that it took him a second to react. By the time he had processed he was under attack, he was flat on his back and Nara's fingers were wrapped around his throat and squeezing the life out of him. It only took a second for him to feel his vision constricting, his brain panicking that air was no longer flowing freely up his windpipe. He grabbed at Nara's wrists and tried to pull her hands away from his throat. Weakened as he was from his previous exertions of trying to get through to Nara, he had little success .
He looked upward at Nara. His friend's face was a mask of rage, of years of pent up emotion. Nara had finally gotten her hands on the Jedi that had taken her away from her parents and Sascha was feeling first hand all the things that she had wanted to do to him. Sascha tried to speak her name, to try to communicate with his friend, but it only came out as an unintelligible gurgle.
Five seconds after Nara had started strangling him, his vision was starting to blur and his reflexes were becoming slowed. Trying another idea, Sascha bucked his hips and tried to throw Nara off of him, but Nara simply kneed him in the stomach and continued pressing down on his throat.
He knew he was too weak to get Nara off of him, he had trouble doing that at the best of times, he wasn't going to be able to do it when he was exhausted and Nara was running on all sorts of adrenaline. He still hadn't given up though, he just needed some sort of idea as to how to stop this.
Seven seconds after Nara's attack began he realized that the Togruta's mental defences were still down. Frantically, he tried to press a thought directly into her mind in the hope that he could get through to her.
'Nara, I'm not your enemy.'
Nara showed absolutely no reaction to his plea.
Vainly, he clawed at Nara's arms, hoping that causing her physical pain might wake her up from whatever state she was currently in. Nara growled, a deep, primal sound, and if anything squeezed her hands tighter around his neck.
This was it, thought Sascha as his vision narrowed, this is how he was going to die, killed by one of his best friends. It was hard imagining a worse way to die, his life being choked out of him by someone he'd considered to be one of his closest allies. Once Nara realized what she had done, she'd be lost, never able to forgive herself for what she had done. Nara may have been killing one Jedi, but she was signing two death warrants.
Eleven seconds after the attack began, his vision almost completely faded, he gathered himself for one last effort and drove one last thought into Nara's mind, putting all of his remaining strength into it, hoping it would not be the last thought he would ever have.
'Nara, I'm your family.'
Nara Nalto jerked awake from the horrible nightmare she'd been having. She'd been having her usual nightmare where that nameless, faceless Jedi had taken her away from her family. Except this time she was fully grown, and the faceless Jedi had been Sascha.
In her perverted nightmare she had launched herself at Sascha, and for once she had no difficulty in overcoming him, which was odd as usually the nightmare centred around her inability to defeat the Jedi that was taking her away from her parents. She had latched her thin fingers around Sascha's neck and started choking him. It was a strange perversion of her usual nightmare. The one person she'd never attack would be Sascha, a person she trusted more than anyone in the galaxy.
She was glad that nightmare had ended just before she could have caused serious damage to her friend. Even in something that wasn't real, she didn't want to harm him. She'd discuss her nightmare with Sascha, she decided. As discomfiting as an idea as it was, he seemed to be able to help him through these things.
Nara looked down to find herself in the exact same pose that she had been just before her nightmare had ended, perched atop Sascha, hands around his throat, squeezing. Her friend's face was red and his eyes were slowly drifting closed.
Panic gripped her mind.
That meant…
That meant her nightmare had been real.
No.
No.
That meant…
"Sascha!" she shouted.
She extracted her hands from around his throat and scrambled off of him.
Overcome by her emotions, Nara raced away from Sascha's prone form and into the furthest corner of the room. She faced the corner, and held her head in her hands. What had she just done?
Taking in breath in short, panting gasps, she tried to piece together the last few hours of her life. She remembered fighting with her squad, the she remembered the Mandalorians coming and attakcing….
Nara screamed, in shock and pain, now her memories were coming back to her. She remembered seeing a pair of the fabled Ubroran Rangers killed in right front of her. She remembered how hot the blood that had squirted onto her was. Then she remembered…turning and running from the battle.
"I ran," she said in disbelief. She had abandoned her squad, abandoned those that had counted on her. It was something that she never thought that she would do. She had broke and run, away from her duty, away from those that had been counting on her to protect them.
"What have I become?" she asked the room.
The room began to spin around her, and she heaved the contents of her stomach onto the floor.
Unable to stop herself, she threw up again.
Nara felt totally and utterly worthless. She had abandoned her squad, likely to their deaths, and then totally lost herself. She had lost herself so badly that she had sunken back into her most painful nightmare. And then in that nightmare she had replaced the object of her irrational hatred with the visage of her best friend.
Yet, apparently, she had been so out of control that she had thought her nightmare was real, and tried to actually kill Sascha. And not just kill him, kill him in one of the most visceral ways possible, by choking him to death. Nara would have thrown up again, had there been anything left in her stomach to throw up.
After several long minutes, she managed to sit up and move away from the mess she had made. There was no way that Sascha was ever going to forgive her for what she had done. There was no way that he could forgive the way that she had fallen apart. There was no way that she could face Arslan or any of the resistance members again? How could she? She'd abandoned her duty.
But the hardest loss would be Sascha. Sascha meant something to her. He was her best and closest friend. She didn't want to lose that, but there was no way in hell their friendship could go back to the way things had been.
"Nara…" Sascha's voice. Weak, garbled. She had done that to him.
Nara was torn between two competing impulses. One was to run over to him, apologize, heal him, and try to fix what she had done. The other was to get up, and run, run far away from this place, and forget she ever was a Jedi. Live her life as a hermit. Surely that was all she deserved.
"Nara…"
Mind made up, she rushed to Sascha's side and knelt beside him. Her friend was still showing the aftereffects of her assault His eyes were closed as he lay on his back, but he was breathing easier and his face was returning to its usual shade. At a glance, it looked like she had been able to stop herself before she had caused any permanent damage to him.
"Sascha…" She tried to find some words to say, to apologize for what she had done, but no words she had yet learned seemed appropriate to say at this moment. Force, if she could just turn back time, she'd undo all of this.
Sascha's eyes opened and found hers. Once he saw her, he smiled, "So glad…to see you. Thought I…lost you," he panted.
Nara sobbed once, pulled him towards her and settled his head lightly on her thigh. Despite the fact that she had nearly killed him minutes earlier, Sascha seemed completely at ease with her touch. She was so, so glad that he was still with her. Absentmindedly, she gently brushed her hand through Sascha's damp, dishevelled hair, "I'm so sorry Sascha…I never wanted to hurt you, or hurt anyone."
"I know, Nara." He reached up, grabbed her arm softly, and smirked, "You are messing up my hair though. Please desist"
She laughed. Force, it felt good to laugh. She stopped running her fingers through Sascha's hair, but she didn't see the need to move him off of her. With practised hands, she gently patted around Sascha's throat, trying to decide if she had done any damage to it, "Are you okay, Sascha?"
"Been better," he joked softly. "But I'll survive."
"I shouldn't be cuddling you like this, should I?"
"No, it's…nice. Comforting." To emphasize his point he settled his hands over his stomach and seemed to relax even further.
"You're not afraid of me?"
Eyes still closed peacefully, Sascha's eyebrows furrowed, "No. Why should I be?"
"Well, about a minute ago I just about killed you."
"That wasn't really you, and we both know that."
"But it was me. My body. My hands." Nara looked down at her purple hands in revulsion. She felt bile rising in her throat again, but this time she kept it down. Barely.
Sascha shifted his head on her thigh, getting comfortable, "Nara, my trust in you hasn't diminished in the slightest. I'm just glad you are here talking to me right now. I was...so scared when you...went away. I would have done anything to bring you back."
Tears formed at the edges of her eyes and she used the sleeve of her robe to wipe them away, "Thanks, Sascha."
"You would have done the same for me," he replied confidently.
Nara was sure that he was right. That thought was strangely comforting. "What exactly happened to me?" she asked cautiously, "There is a big blank spot in my memory and I'd like to fill that in."
Sascha sat up tenderly, and sat in a cross-legged position across from her. Aside from the red marks on his throat and the slight scratchiness of his voice, you wouldn't have thought anything had happened to him. He still looked totally exhausted, but he had looked that way before she had attacked him. "Well, I found you shambling down the road, with blood on your robe. I tried to talk to you, but...you started talking in third person."
"What was I saying?"
Her fellow Padawan closed his eyes, obviously trying to remember the words, "It was something like ' Everyone always leaves Nara' and 'I'm going away now.'"
A shiver went up her spine on hearing those words, "I was talking in third person?"
"Yeah. It was really bizarre. You really scared the hell out of me, Nara," Sascha said, casting his eyes at the floor for a moment.
Nara closed her eyes , "I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened to me today, but I do know that my strength, my resolve is just fading, piece by piece. I guess today just broke me." She put her head in her hands and cried again. Amazingly, her supply of tears had not run out yet.
Sascha tenderly grabbed her wrists and gently pulled her hands away from her face, "Nara, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing."
Without consciously thinking about it, Nara flung herself at Sascha, burying her head in his chest, her tears continuing to fall. Sascha took a second to react, but when he did, he merely adjusted himself so that he could wrap his arms around her body, not in an intimate or possessive way, but in a friendly, comforting manner. "I'm sorry," she said, her words coming out muffled, "I'm so weak, I'm sorry."
"You aren't weak Nara. You are one of the strongest people I know."
"I don't feel very strong right now," she said, as she extracted herself from Sascha's arms and brushed herself off. Force she was such an emotional wreck, going from one extreme to the other.
"I don't either," he admitted.
That was a very cheerful thought. The way things were going maybe tomorrow Sascha would be the one that broke. Stop focusing on the negative, she told herself. She forced herself to look at Sascha, "Anyway, you didn't finish the story about what happened to me."
He nodded, "I brought you back here, I actually...carried you back here."
"You carried me?"
"Yeah, I mean you aren't exactly heavy, Nara."
That was true, but it wasn't exactly a comfortable idea either. "And I still didn't respond to you?"
Sascha ran his hand through his already dishevelled hair, "No. Like I said, you basically just...went away."
"How did you get me...back?"
Sascha immediately seemed uncomfortable, "I tried everything I knew to get you to respond, I tried to call Master Brynar and Master Tiplee, but they weren't responding so, I, uh, kind of used the Force and entered your mind."
"You, WHAT!"
"I only did it as a last resort!" he replied, scrambling away from her slightly.
Perturbed, but knowing that Sascha wasn't exactly the type to invade her mind on a lark, she held her hands up, "It's okay, I'm not mad. I'm just...surprised."
Sascha grimaced, "It wasn't exactly my favourite thing to do. I'm still a bit creeped out by it. In fact, seeing after how it turned out, I don't think I'll do it ever again."
Nara's curiosity outweighed her desire to end this conversation right now, "So what exactly happened?"
"Well, when I got inside if your mind, I was basically sucked into your nightmare. And you saw what happened."
That she had. Not wanting to dwell on that, she asked another question, "How did you snap me out of it? When I attacked you, I mean."
He rubbed the back of his head, "Well...even though you were...attacking me, your mental defences were still down. I was able to press a thought into your head..." Sascha trailed off.
"Well...what was it?" Her friend hesitated. "What?" she said, "It can't possibly be that bad."
"The thought was...Nara, I'm your family."
Nara blinked, and her mind went completely and utterly blank for a moment.
Sascha, obviously a bit nervous, continued, "I just thought that because losing your family was obviously your biggest nightmare, I could counter it by telling you what should be evident, that you gained a new family and that I'm part of it."
"You believe that," she said slowly.
Sascha nodded, "Yes. You are a part of my family Nara. Not my biological family, of course. All Jedi lose one family, but gain another."
Finally, import of what Sascha was saying hit her. Overwhelmed, she put a hand on her head, just to keep it steady, "You are my family, aren't you?"
"You obviously believe it as well," Sascha pointed out, "Otherwise I never could have pulled you out of your nightmare."
Nara realized that she had been missing the obvious truth in her life, that Sascha was right. She had a family. Tiplee was her mother, her guardian. Her clanmates should have been her siblings, but she had pushed them away. Still, eventually she had found friends, mostly with Sascha's old clan. Sascha himself was obviously something of a sibling to her. A brother. She had always wanted a brother.
"Let your old family go, Nara," Sascha said softly, "You don't need them. You have me and Tiplee and every other Jedi in the Temple. We've always been your family. You may have pushed us away when you were younger, but we will always be there for you."
"I...see that now," she said. She paused for a second as an idea came to mind, "I need you to do something with me, Sascha."
"Do what?" he said cautiously.
"I need to go into my nightmare again. I want you to come with me."
Sascha's eyes narrowed, "Are you sure that is a good idea?"
"Sure?" Nara laughed bitterly, "Force no. But I think that its the last step to this process."
Nara expected Sascha to object, or ask more questions, but he simply just shifted his position so that he was sitting beside her. Nara almost couldn't believe the amount of faith that Sascha had in her. It was the first time in her life that she'd ever felt that she had someone that had complete and utter trust in her. That thought warmed her heart in ways she could not yet describe.
"If we are going to meditate together, you need to help me," he admitted. "I'm not exactly strong right now."
For the first time Nara realized that Sascha's presence in the Force is strangely muted and that her friend appeared to be almost swaying as he sat beside her. She was pretty sure that if left alone for a minute, he would probably fall into a deep slumber, that's how tired he was. While there was a part of her that wanted to do this alone, there was another part that want to take Sascha along with her. The part of her that desires Sascha's help was the stronger one at the moment. People didn't keep secrets from family. And Sascha was her family. More or less.
Nara opened herself to the Force, preparing to meditate. In the Force, she found Sascha doing the same thing, with much more difficulty. Gently she guided Sascha so that they can meditate together. When she was sure that she is ready, Nara summoned her nightmare for what she hopes will be the last time.
Quickly, her nightmare presented itself as usual. This time though, Nara wasn't afraid of what she is about to watch, she expects it. She's almost at peace with it. But not fully. Not yet.
Then, everything changed. Nara was no longer the four-year-old Togruta, of her nightmare, she the normal version of herself, a sixteen year old Jedi Padawan. Her parents have aged up as well. As has her sister. Nara looked over at Lia, who is now essentially an adult Togruta. Lia is still beautiful, but her feelings of jealousy towards her have faded, she's happy that Lia is beautiful and Nara doesn't really care that she's better looking than her. She just wants to be happy in her own skin.
When Nara turned around to face the Jedi that had been there to take her away, she is not really surprised to see that the visage of that Jedi has been replaced by Sascha, who stands there peacefully, simply observing her. He made a quick gesture, as if to say 'do you want me to be by your side?' She gives him a quick shake of her head. She appreciates the support of her best friend, but this is her problem to deal with.
Nara, for the first time was in control of her memory. For the first time, she wasn't a youngling, she was just herself. For the first time she controls what she sees. For the first time, she controls what she does. And she was going to say goodbye to her old family. She was going to let go of her past for good.
Nara turned around and faced her sister, Lia. She stepped forward and embraced her. Her sister hugged her back. "I'm sorry I didn't get to know you, Lia, and I'm sorry I never wrote to you like I said I would. They just...wouldn't let us."
A small smile appeared on the lips of her sister, "It was the promise of a child, Nara. I'm not angry at you. I knew I was giving you up forever, I just wanted you to be strong." Lia took a step back, appraising her, "And it looks like you grew up to be strong."
Nara stepped forward and hugged her sister again, "Thanks, Lia. Thanks, sister."
"You are welcome, sister," said Lia smiling easily.
Lia stepped back and Nara moved on to the next Togruta in line, her father. "Hi dad," she said softly.
Her father pulled her into his arms. Nara relented easily, letting her head rest on his chest. "I'm so proud of you Nara," he said. "I hope you showed the Jedi that you were the best."
She broke the embrace softly, "I'm not the best," she said quietly, "But I am...good. And I get better every day."
Her father grabbed her wrists lightly and held them to his face, "There is no more a father can ask of his daughter." He paused, "I hope you are not angry at us for giving you away."
Nara took a step back, "I'm not angry father. For a long time...I was. I was angry at you for giving me up, I was angry at the Jedi for taking me away from you. Anger and fear clouded my judgment. For the first time, I see things clearly." She took a deep breath, "You made the right decision, father. I was born to be a Jedi."
Her dad sniffed, emotional, and released her wrists, "I have nothing more to say then, except that you make me proud every day. I love you, my daughter."
"I love you too, Dad."
Her father stepped back and Nara moved to stand in front of the last person in the line of Togrutas, her mother. This...was going to be hard. Her mother stepped forward, and Nara stepped into her arms, revelling in the warmth of her embrace.
She could have stayed in the embrace forever, but after a minute, with an effort a will, she pulled away. If she had stayed any longer, she might not have had the willpower to do so. "It's time for me to go, mother."
Her mother smiled at her, "Of course it is. You are my light in the stars, child. I could not be more proud of you."
That got her to sob, but she didn't break down, she stayed strong. She was in charge of her emotions, not the other way around. "I'll always remember you," she said, her voice taut, emotional.
Her mother rubbed her arm gently, "Of course you will. But your place is not with us." Her Mother looked up, "You take your place in the stars, my child."
"Thanks, mom. I love you."
"I know, my child. Goodbye, Nara," she said solemnly.
"Goodbye, mom."
Nara hesitated for a moment. She didn't really want to do this. But to move on with her life, to let go of what had been her attachment, she had to. She turned from her family, slowly and started walking away, putting one foot in front of the other. She walked towards Sascha, who simply stood there, waiting for her to reach him. An observer, but also a source of strength, a representation of the family that she would gain. Sascha, her brother. Tiplee, a surrogate mother. Yoda, a wise old uncle. Aurine, a feisty aunt. And on and on.
She turned and faced her family again. She took the time to remember this moment, to look at each member of her family. One by one, her family winked away into nothingness. But when they were gone, Nara didn't feel like she had lost anything. Nothing had been taken from her. Her family would always exist in her heart. They would always be a part of who she was.
She reached Sascha, who smiled at her. "It's time to go back," he said.
Nara nodded, "Yes. It is."
She ended the meditation, and realized almost immediately that Sascha's comlink was ringing insistently.
Sascha picked his comlink off his belt and activated it. "Hi Master," Sascha said tiredly.
"Sascha, what is wrong with your voice?" said Aurine.
Nara started to speak but Sascha silenced her with a fierce glare, "I got hit in the throat. Don't worry about it."
Nara supposed that basically was telling the truth.
"You sound tired," said Aurine.
Sascha glanced at her for a second, "We are both exhausted. I think we are both done fighting."
A stunned silence persisted over several seconds. "What do you mean you are done fighting?" asked Aurine.
"I mean we are just done. Exhausted. Out of our minds."
"I'm done for sure," she said. Nara wasn't going to fight anymore. She didn't quite trust herself enough to do that. Nara paused, something was missing from this conversation, "Wait a moment...where is my Master?"
"Oh. That was what I was calling you about. She's coming to Bontha. She'll be there in a few hours." Aurine's voice became strangely confident, "We are putting our endgame in motion. We are going to free Ubrora."