Chapter 16

Only the Penitent Man shall Pass

According to ancient Pottermore lore, the name 'Azkaban' is derived from a mixture of the prison 'Alcatraz', which is its closest Muggle equivalent, being set on an island, and 'Abaddon', which is a Hebrew word meaning 'place of destruction' or 'depths of hell'. It was initially a fortress created by a powerful wizard known as Ekrizdis, an avid practitioner of the dark arts. Ensconced within his North Sea fortress, he would lure muggle ships to his hidden island and torture their sailors to death. For pleasure or as subjects on which to practice dark spells – it is unknown. What is known was that he was an unconscionably cruel man according to the few wizards who were brave enough to admit knowing him as a boy. For years tales spread about a hidden terror in the North Sea – deadly sirens, Poseidon seeking revenge, the Loch Ness sea monster. Many would refuse work if the ship manifest dictated a path through the North Sea.

It was only when Ekrizdis died, and his concealment charms faded away, that the Ministry of Magic realized the island and dark fortress even existed. The investigative reports from the officials who searched the place are heavily redacted, ostensibly due to the terrible dark magic and awful objects discovered within. The information that remained detailed an abundance of corpses, illegal animals of all sorts and an infestation of Dementors.

While many wizards suggested the immediate destruction of such a dark building, others were fearful that depriving this horde of Dementors a home they clearly loved would cause them to seek revenge on the mainland. They were also fearful the dark building itself might have the ability to defend itself or even worse seek its own kind of retribution. Not much was and is known about buildings solely erected by strong dark magic and what could happen if they were improperly demolished. After many years of forgotten use, the Ministry decided to employ it as a prison and entered into an uneasy agreement with the Dementors. Even though the prison conditions were deplorable, nearly three centuries of no successful escapes convinced the Ministry to keep it up and running.

However, during the first and second wizarding wars there were four known instances of prisoners escaping. Lord Voldemort engineered two mass breakouts when he returned to power, thereby highlighting the danger of using Dementors as the sole guards. In 1982, Bartemius Crouch Jr was helped to escape the prison by his father and mother – who took advantage of the Dementors' blindness. And in 1993, the infamous Sirius Black became the first person to ever escape Azkaban unassisted.

It was in this island hell that Severus Snape had been confined for almost a week. Initially, he had been too weak and defeated from Lily's death to care where he was or what would happen to him. However, after one night in a cold Azkaban cell, he began to hope and pray that his guardian Dumbledore would save him from this nightmare. After two more nights locked in the cell, the prison had sucked what little hope he had and Snape had begun to accept his dreary fate, slowly losing any will to fight back.

The abundance of so many Dementors turned the prison air into a perpetual chill, it felt as though one were moving through a thick fog. The cells were carved into cold stone, with small windows that only afforded a bleak view of the North Sea. The food served was frozen and partly rotting. Since so many of the prisoners lost their minds during their incarceration, insane asylum would have been a more apt description of Azkaban. Severus heard cries and anguished wails at all times of the day. He soon lost track of whether it was morning or evening. He had not seen one Ministry official, or even another human, since he entered the prison. Who the hell was running things?

The Dementors had taken his robes and wand upon arrival and if they had taken away Lily's necklace as well, Snape would have most certainly lost his mind those first few days. Whenever the prison became too much to bear, whenever his hunger pangs became intolerable, whenever the sight of a passing Dementor peering into his cell threatened to snap his fragile hold on his sanity, he began to twirl the necklace around his finger and think of her. Happy memories of them growing up, secretly spending time together at night, dreaming of Hogwarts and planning their futures as little kids.

But after a few days, the misery that clung to the prison walls began to seep into even his treasured memories, infecting his private thoughts. His memory house burned down as though a great fire had raged through it. His happy memories had melted, leaving only the ashes of despair and misery.

Snape was forced to keep reliving his most painful memory, repeating in his mind over and over again. It wasn't his fault, he had been mad and embarrassed. He hadn't meant to lash out. He hadn't meant to say it! It wasn't his fault! That night had been the start of his descent down a shadowy path…

…"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

It was nighttime. Lily, who was wearing a dressing gown, stood with her arms folded in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower.

"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just —"

"Slipped out?" There was no pity in Lily's voice. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends — you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No — listen, I didn't mean —"

"— to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole…

…Severus stared in silent fury at the portrait of the Fat Lady. She was giving him a stern, reproachful look.

"Oh, shove off fatso," Severus spat as he whirled around and stalked off to the school dungeons.

By the time he reached the Slytherin common room Severus' anger towards James and Sirius and Lily had dissipated and landed directly onto himself. Snape was full of self-loathing by the time he paused in front of a stretch of bare, damp stone wall.

"Emerald Green."

A stone door concealed in the wall slid open and Snape stomped through. The Slytherin common room was a long, low underground room with rough stone walls and a ceiling from which round, greenish lamps were hanging on chains. A fire was crackling under an elaborately carved mantelpiece, and several high-backed leather chairs were scattered around it. Various shades of green and silver covered the table tops and chairs. Ornate marble statues of famous Slytherin wizards were standing guard in the corners. The stone walls were home to oil paintings depicting famous events in wizarding history, with a pure-blood focus of course. Everything in the room also seemed to have a serpentine twinge to it, an ever present image throughout the room.

Severus had planned to sneak off into the dormitory and settle in for a night of restless sleep, but slow clapping stopped him. He glanced up and saw that a small group of Slytherins had been waiting for him. Mulciber, Avery, and Malfoy were at the head of the group, almost beaming.

"Severus! We heard you fought with some Gryffindors and then called out that mudblood in front of a dozen students," cheered Avery.

"See I told you he was one of us!" chimed in Mulciber.

Severus pushed his way thought the congratulatory crowd and plopped down on a leather chair near a yawning fireplace. The rest of the crowd went back to talking amongst themselves, mudblood this and Gryffindor that floating over to Severus in snippets. Lucius Malfoy, the handsome ice statue, sat down in the chair across from Severus.

"How are you doing Severus?" Lucius gently asked.

"I'm fine, of course. Why?" scoffed Severus.

Lucius didn't immediately reply – instead he turned and looked at the other students in the common room. He didn't want to scare off the young Slytherin. Lucius Malfoy had been born into a very aristocratic pure blood wizarding family, a family with a large concentration of wealth and social status. Lucius had been taught that he came from pure stock and should always behave in a manner befitting of such heritage – and Lucius had done so. He had been made a prefect in his fifth year, scored highly in the majority of his classes and was even a member of the famous – or infamous, for success spawns jealousy – Slug Club.

Lucius wasn't an evil person; he just wanted what was best for the wizarding community as a whole. One's background was of utmost importance, and being of pureblood magical stock was paramount. Pure bloods had a duty to protect the interests of the wizarding world and had a rightful place at the head of the table. Yes, it was true that he happened to be of pure blood, but even if he hadn't been, he would have accepted the natural order of things, that pure bloods stand first.

There was a grassroots effort brewing that wanted to right the current upside down nature of the world. That wanted to subjugate the mudbloods and the muggle world, and restore pure-blood wizards to their rightful place. No, subjugate was too harsh a word – they wanted to place people where they belonged, the natural order of things must be reestablished. And the new leader of this movement was not some evil maniac as some were claiming. He had compassion, he was accepting; there would be opportunity for half-bloods to show their worth in this new world. But having wizards hiding in secret from the muggles?! Mixing pure-bloods and half-bloods with mudbloods?! This lunacy had to stop.

Plans were already in motion for Lucius to fully join this movement once he graduated. And one of his charges had been to nurture and recruit like-minded idealists from House Slytherin. Lucius continued to stare around the common room. Many here believed in the pure-blood cause, they would be willing foot soldiers for the cause. But this new Dark Lord did not need more peons, bringing him believers who were able to do little more than grunt work would not raise Lucius' profile in the coming new world order. The Malfoys had always run in the most elite social circles, had always been at the top of the food chain. With his father's health deteriorating, Lucius' hand would soon be guiding the future of the Malfoy line. The Dark Lord would soon be leading the world and Lucius intended to earn a place among His inner circle, ensuring the Malfoy's rightful place at the top with a new dawn rising.

If he could bring the Dark Lord some talented new followers, showcasing his persuasion and leadership skills, it would certainly accelerate his initiation. It had certainly worked for Narcissa's insufferable sister. Lucius had decided that Severus Snape would be his ticket to the Dark Lord's inner circle. The young lad had entered school with ratty robes and belongings that screamed poverty. He was sullen, moody and anti-social; he had been accepted by the other Slytherins, but had not forged any real friendships. And he certainly seemed to not give a damn about his appearance; he had simply been overlooked by the other student recruiters that were now in the Dark Lord's employ.

But Lucius could see through that highly unappealing exterior – Severus was brilliant, cunning and at times displayed flashes of true courage. He had been fighting a long running and well know grudge match between students in his year from the Gryffindor house. Lucius didn't bother with learning about all the hijinks, but the few stories that had come back to him were impressive. But Severus never leaned on his Slytherin brethren – he always preferred to operate alone. He showed no interest in fraternizing with his fellow Slytherins and Lucius sensed he had a deep, secret friendship with a Gryffindor.

But it now appeared as if Lucius' conclusions had been wrong. Severus had, very publicly, insulted the girl and basically announced his blood status beliefs to the whole school to hear. Lucius wanted to, as old fat Slughorn would say, "collect" the boy – the boy who tutored older students, knew more about the dark arts than some of the faculty, and had even shown the ability to invent original spells! Lucius would groom him for the movement, everyone needed a trusted lieutenant.

"Well you seem…down."

"Lucius I'm fine. Doesn't a prefect have more important things to worry about?"

"Looking out for other Slytherins is the important Severus."

"Stop bothering me, it's been a long night…why don't you pay Narcissa a visit?"

Lucius gripped the chair, his knuckles turning white. Cheeky bastard, bringing her up. I should knock the snot out of him right here, in front of everyone. But why raise to the bait, this kid didn't flinch at the threat of violence. Something else scared him…

"Severus what's bothering you? I just want to help."

"Leave me alone Lucius. What do you want from me?!"

The angry retort caused some glances to flitter their way, but Lucius waved his hand at the other students. Severus continued gazing at the hypnotic flames dancing in the fireplace.

"Exactly. What could I possibly want from you? Severus, everyone needs help. When I was younger, older students looked out for me and I'm just trying to return the favor. You can't keep fighting all your battles alone. Life's too short to fly solo. But I'm not here to force you to do or say anything."

"Really? Don't want me to join up with the pure-blood movement?"

"Severus, pure-bloods like us have to stick together. Especially in troubled climates such as this. Everyone thinks you're with us anyway, what's the harm in attending a meeting? Our message might resonate with you."

Severus squirmed in his chair when Lucius referred to him as a pure-blood. No one knew about his abusive muggle father, save for one person. And now, after his despicable behavior, who knows how long his secret would last. Another headache to worry about.

Lucius had to be patient. Don't press this one, let him come to you.

"Okay Severus, I just wanted to extend an offer of friendship. I know you prefer to do your own thing, but that's a lonely way to go through life," Lucius softly said as he got up. He then pointed to the common room exit. "The fight is out there, not in here with your brothers."

As he walked away Lucius muttered, "Who knows? She might even become impressed with the power and influence you gain joining us."

Severus derisively snorted in reply to Lucius' fading back. But this time the prefect's words leaked in and took hold. Constantly fighting outnumbered was getting tiresome – strength in numbers and all that. The rest of the houses and many of the faculty did seem prejudiced against Slytherin. It would be nice to be included more when the others did things. And maybe she would be impressed. Lily would be forced to take notice if others started to respect or even fear him.

Severus had been waiting in a corner of courtyard for almost thirty minutes, where was she? He was ashamed to admit it, but he had been behaving like a stalker lately and knew Lily's schedule almost by heart. She normally walked this way after lunch, headed out around the school grounds. Severus never knew where she went, maybe for a walk around the forbidden forest, maybe to meet that oaf Hagrid…maybe she had found a new best friend.

Lost in his gloomy thoughts, Severus almost missed the flowing red hair passing by his dark corner.

"Lily! Oiy – hey Lily! Over here!"

Lily turned around, her patented grin slowly slide off her face – replaced by a look of disgust. She turned back around and continued off. Severus gathered his books and headed after her.

"Lily…please…hold up," Severus panted. "I said stop!"

Lilly wheeled around, ready for fight.

"You said what!?"

"I…I just wanted to talk."

"Can't you take a hint? Notice I've been ignoring your messages and notes. I don't make time for people like you."

"Lily!" Severus grabbed her arm, spun Lily around to face him. "Just like that?!"

Lily wrestled her arm free and glared at him.

"Just like that? You've been flirting with the dark arts since we got here. And now things are getting serious, it's not fun and games anymore. People are being hurt – killed, by wizards you're friends associate with, wizards you associate with."

"I don't associate with murderers, how can you say that Lily!" Severus' temper was rising, he could feel himself losing control. "All of this drama because of that damn Potter! Look I'm so sorry for using that word Lily, I truly am! I was embarrassed and hurt – humiliated once again in front of all those students. I lashed out at you without thinking!"

"Severus, please, I'm not interested –"

"Have you ever been in such a situation Lily? Everyone laughing at you? Knowing deep down if it was a fair fight you would win, but no one believing you? I was so angry I wasn't thinking. I wanted to seem tough, can't you understand? Hanging there, with my robes half falling off. No one helping, just watching in amusement, cheering even!"

"Everyone was not cheering Severus. My friends all thought it was a despicable display!"

"C'mon Lily, they were laughing. You were the only one who said anything on my behalf."

"And you repaid me with that filthy word! You're a coward!"

"Lily I didn't mean…it is all Potter's fault. Can't you see that? This is what he wanted!"

"What the hell does James Potter have to do with anything? Why are you so obsessed with him?"

"He caused all this…He wants to be…He wants you!"

"Severus, do you believe that I don't want to see you anymore because of James Potter? Or because you used that racist term, that I have dirty blood?" Lily grabbed Severus' shoulders – he had been twitching with anger and adrenaline – and looked him dead in the eye. "We have been traveling down different paths for a while now. And the path you are choosing – I just cannot follow. Do you understand Sev?"

"What path? I just hang out with them because I have to. They're in my house, what choice do I have? Would you prefer it if I had no friends? Unwanted by the other houses, ostracized within my own?"

"Severus, who was the one who always wanted to meet in secret? Who was the one worried about what others thought of us spending time together?"

"I was doing it for you, I wanted you to be safe and not have to be bothered by being my friend." The words rushed out of Severus like a torrent, he was nearly in tears.

Lily took a deep breath.

"Look at me Severus, stop looking away."

Severus stared deep into the emerald pools, reminding him of the Slytherin green that dotted the walls of his dormitory.

"Change your behavior, change your friends, before it's too late. Not for me Severus, for your own sake. You're a good person, but the path you're walking will not end well. This is not you are."

"But Lily, life is messy, life is complicated. It's not black and white."

Lily shook her head, eyes beginning to mist. It was that simple, there was no grey area when pure evil and racism was involved. It was hard saying goodbye to someone she had been so close to for so long. He had been a brother, a best friend. Introduced her to a whole new world. But everyone had to be responsible for their actions. It was something she had to do, but it hurt. Letting go of something you hold dear, but know deep down is not healthy for you.

"But it is…Goodbye Sev."

Severus opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.

He watched her go, silently begging to the heavens to have her turn around and ask his forgiveness. What did she expect from him? To start hanging out at the Gryffindor table? Become best buddies with the four amigos?

Remorse and regret over his choices did not fill Severus' heart, instead resentment roared within his belly. An angry monster was created. Staring at Lily's back twisted him with angry frustration. Goddamn that arrogant Potter. Goddamn that instigator Black. Goddamn that prejudiced Dumbledore, protecting them at every turn. Severus felt like he was becoming wrath incarnate. Misguided anger would guide his actions for the next few years…

…Snape woke up in a cold sweat. Where was he? The freezing air and anguished moans instantly reminded him. Trapped in a stone cage, trapped in his tortured mind. Having to relieve over and over again the fact that he chose the wrong path. I was just a teenager! How could I have known! Please!

But there was no mercy, no respite to be found in this stone hell. He watched a dark shadow pass by his cell, but the Dementor did not keep floating on. The shadow stopped in front of his cell, stared hard in his direction. The cell bars magically bent open, and the shadow stepped through.

Snape struggled up into a sitting position against the cold stone wall. Closing his eyes, his yellowish teeth shown through a small smile tracing his lips. He welcomed the Dementor's kiss.