So...It's been a while. Quite a long while. A lot has happened but I think I'm finally getting back into my creative place. So here goes the next chapter.

Chapter 5

In a perfect world, your family would never be disappointed in you. If you went your own path in the world, they wouldn't disown you. They might fret and worry about if you were making the right decisions, but they wouldn't abandon you. In a normal world you weren't the supposed Herald of Andraste.

She finally got a letter back from her family. It was brief and while she hoped for responses from her brother and mother, the only correspondent was her father. In the back of her mind, she knew this could have been the expected outcome. Banishment. She had prayed to both the Elven gods and the Maker that this wouldn't be the outcome. But her worst fears were confirmed. Her father's letter was to the point. You have abandoned the Dalish way. If you don't come back immediately, you will be a stranger to your family. You will not be welcome back.

She never considered leaving the Inquisition. Her heart and her passion were here. Whatever god there was, she was marked. She alone had the power to protect the people of Thedas that were in danger. She didn't relish the power. She had never been one to be in the spotlight. That was Kaden. He was always able to lead and gather other children when they were younger to help him in whatever scheme he was planning. He had a confidence about him that never came off as snobbish but comforting. You wanted him to lead. Nadia had always preferred to be in the shadows. She wasn't a spy like Leliana however. She lacked the subtle art of manipulating her face and emotions to only show what she needed other people to see. She was expressive and brash, and Josie more than once had to remind her to be a bit more graceful when talking with guests. Slowly, she was making some progress.

A tiny snowflake landed on her nose. They hadn't seen a true blizzard in Haven yet, but everyone knew the real winter was coming. She was lying in the field across from Haven and the frozen lake. Childishly, she moved her arms and legs to make a snow angel.

"Well this is certainly a sight to see."

She stopped moving immediately. Her stomach dropped.

Of course, the Commander gets to me acting like a five-year old.

They hadn't talked much since the night she got completely wasted. Shortly after that night, she headed with Solas, Blackwall, and Iron Bull to tread through the hell that was the Fallow Mire. They had wandered almost endlessly through the muck and rain, closing rifts, waking up the dead, and finally rescuing their captured troops from the Avvar. When she left for the Fallow Mire she was sent off by all of her advisors, so her farewell to Cullen was nothing more then a small smile. Since she got back two days ago, they had seen little of each other besides in the war room. Every time she saw him outside the gates, he seemed engrossed in training the soldiers. While she knew the Commander took the training seriously and with the utmost care, it had seem that he had grown even more intense in their training. While always fair, he was tough with his troops and she admired him for it. While he could be stern and direct when instructing them, she had seen the softer side of the Commander. He would take the time to walk with the recruits that were having trouble adjusting, talking with them about their families or loved ones. He made sure to ask if they needed anything from repairs to their swords to more parchment to write letters.

"Um…I'm so sorry Commander…this is really embarrassing." She lowered her head so her hair billowed around her face, hiding her reaction.

"Don't be embarrassed. Leliana told me you had wondered out here. It's a good place to think," he said. He looked out across the lake back to Haven. Varric was right. That jawline could cut glass.

"Would you like to sit down Commander?"

"Sure. Thank you." He still had his full armor on. She knew he wore it to always be ready. Cullen was always prepared for everything. He was a master in the war room. He listened to what Josie and Leliana had to say but also gave advice that never came off as overbearing. He had been crucial for Nadia to be able to understand everything and everyone that they were dealing with.

To her surprise, instead of sitting up on the ground like her, he lowered himself to lie flat on the ground, looking up at the sky and closed his eyes. She followed suit.

"Are you back to calling me Commander now?" he murmured.

She looked at him, squinting a little from the bright sun. "Do you want me to call you Cullen?"

"Have I given you a reason that I wouldn't want you to call me that?"

"No…but you're so…you're the epitome of gallant and chivalrous knight, I wouldn't want to overstep."

He grinned. "You need to get to know me better Nadia, or else you wouldn't think so highly of me."

"I find that hard to believe," she said slyly.

He chuckled. She went back to lying on her back, watching the clouds soundlessly crash into each other.

"Leliana told me about the letter from your family," he said softly.

Of course Leliana knew about the letter. Her many pair of eyes never missed anything.

"What else did Leliana say?"

"Just that…it probably wasn't the most considerate letter."

"Considerate? Cullen, c'mon. You know what it said. They don't want me to come back. Not that I really had time to take a visit."

"I'm sorry," he said, his eyes on her.

She sat up to look at him. She didn't want him to pity her. She already felt inadequate in front of everyone. All her companions were older than her and been apart of things and had seen more than their homeland. They had experienced death and love and had fought in wars. The only reason she could be considered in this group was because of the mark on her hand.

"Don't be. I knew this was a possibility when I chose to stay."

"You don't always have to put on this brave face."

"What are you talking about? Brave face? Cullen, can we just be real right now? We are in a life or death situation. There is a hole in the fucking sky, and we don't really know how to close it or who opened it. I hopefully have the ability to close it, and there is no guarantee in that. And my family disowned me because I left and didn't come back. I'm a mess. I feel like all I do is either complain to you or someone else. I'm not putting on a brave face, I'm freaking the fuck out."

She turned to look at him. He was smiling.

"Why are you smiling? Stop smiling." He then started laughing.

"Cullen this isn't funny. Stop fucking smiling." She was throwing a tantrum like a child so she decided to do what a child would do and grabbed a handful of snow and threw it in his face. He stopped laughing. The snow dripped off his face and he slowly wiped it off.

She then started laughing, one of those deep laughs that comes from you're belly and for a while she couldn't stop laughing. What a sight to see, the Commander of the Inquisition shaking his head like a wet dog to get the snow off of him.

She managed to stop laughing a few moments later. "I'm sorry."

He wiped his face off again and smoothed back his hair.

"No you're not, but it's okay. I was smiling because you finally started to show some emotion. We were all beginning you could be a Tranquil or something." He smirked at me.

"What do you mean finally show some emotion?"

"Well… Cassandra has been watching you and she tells me some things. She says you rarely tell anybody about yourself or talk about you're problems. She says you just patiently listen to Varric while he tells you all of his new ideas for his crazy books. You some how understand Sera and are able to calm her down when she starts getting out of hand. You listen to Solas, who no offense to him he tends to drone about. It's always everyone else's problems, never yours."

"You and Cassandra talk about me?" she said a little bit flirtatiously, but to her disappointment he didn't take the bait.

"You're avoiding the topic," he said knowingly.

"It's just the way I was raised Cullen. There wasn't any time really to discuss how you were feeling. We weren't exactly Orlisian nobles, we had to worry about food and supplies and medicine and everyone had to pull their weight."

He nodded slowly and paused before he said anything.

"I don't want to make you feel like anything is wrong, just know…just know that all of us are here, myself included, are here for you if you are feeling overwhelmed. I know we are you're advisors, but we can also be your friends."

She was afraid to look up from hands. She could feel his eyes on her, and she didn't know if she could handle the emotion that was there.

She took a deep breath. "I knew this was most likely what was going to happen. I left my family and I'm not going back in the foreseeable future. While I didn't choose to have this mark on my hand, I know what I can do. I have the power to help. I wrote to my father and tried to explain as much as I could. But… we don't believe in Andraste. My father thinks I'm not only leaving my family, but abandoning my faith."

"Do you believe that?"

"I know you're devout. And with the availability of some books on the Chantry and other religious texts I have read here, I…I don't know what to believe anymore."

"Did your father say anything else?"

"Not much, other than you're really not welcome back."

"What about your mother? Kaden?"

"No word from either I'm afraid. I should have expected that too, although it still hurts. I would really like to hear from both of them. I might ask Leliana to get a letter to my brother, without my father seeing it."

"I'm sure she would be happy to oblige."

She laid back down and closed her eyes, trying to ease her mind of all of her worries. Another snowflake fell gently on her forehead.

"You're not alone Nadia, remember that." She couldn't describe what those words from him meant to her.

"Thank you, Cullen."