Chapter 27

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Severus Snape knelt down in a dark cave, his white knuckles raw and bloody. His black robes were in tatters and wet tears streaked a grimy face. There was a small fire burning beside him, throwing dancing shadows along the rocky cave walls. The pulsating heat from the fire warmed Severus, yet a cold sweat persisted on his brow. His right leg shook uncontrollably, raging adrenaline still coursed through his body like an angry fjord. Faint voices hissed outside the cave, and he heard his name voiced by the unseen shadows.

Civilized society preaches that violence is never the answer, should only be considered as a last resort; it ingrains in us that the ultimate act of evil is to take another's life. But Severus felt no shame or regret, there was no overwhelming disgust at what he had just done. But he also felt no joy or righteous acceptance, no soothing relief washed over his tired bones. He felt…nothing. Just a yawning emptiness – it was something that needed to be done and he had finally done it.

A dark specter entered the rock cave, floating in on a cold gust. The icy breeze washed over the fire, causing it wane down to a low burning ember – a signal for Severus to struggle up to his feet.

A soft voice seeped into his ear, "He's waiting for you…go forth now, little brother…join us…"

Severus found his way out of the dark cave and into the gleaming moonlight. He stood on a narrow rock path, impossibly carved into the side of a steep cliff face. It sloped downwards, toward a sandy beach strewn with small pebbles and broken sea shells. He numbly walked along the path, staring at his tired feet – one foot slowly stepped in front of the other.

The sound of waves relentlessly crashing down onto the white beach kept time with his weary steps. He licked his lips at the wet night air, tasting blood and saltwater dew.

The path leveled out when Severus reached the sandy beach and he felt a sudden urge to tear off his tattered robe. The frayed material may have been threadbare, but without it he felt the sudden sting of the cold sea breeze. It gusted right through his undershirt, constricting his chest and causing small goosebumps to pimple along his pale skin. After a few steps, Severus kicked off his shoes – the grainy sand felt warm and inviting in between his toes.

Severus looked around – the sandy beach stretched for miles on end in either direction, with nary a soul in sight. He looked back up towards the rock face and saw nothing but jagged stone – the fire within the cave had consumed itself. Up ahead of him stood an old wizened tree, with a patches of grass poking through the sand around its knotted trunk. The tree was tall and skinny, glowing white in the luminous moonlight. It had long twisting branches, with only a few leaves dotting its snaky limbs. It reminded Severus of himself – strong and sinewy, yet ugly at the same time.

He walked past the old tree and waded into the foamy surf, letting the cold ocean wash over his tired body. The freezing water mercifully numbed his body, but could not wash away the horrible images floating in his mind. He stumbled backwards and eased his sore limbs down onto the wet sand. The tide slowly drifted up and kissed his outstretched legs, the cool water licking his aching muscles.

Severus stared out into the black ocean, moonlight dancing along the waves with the distant stars reflected in the water – a strange kaleidoscope of black and white twinkles. He dug his hands into the wet sand and rubbed the slick dirt between his fingers, trying to scrub away the dried blood and disturbing memories. He quietly sat there, blankly staring out at the vast expanse of sea water – time melded together and he wasn't sure if he had been there for minutes or hours, when he was suddenly roused from his silent vigil.

"Rise Severus – come to me now."

Severus was surprised at how high his heart leapt upon hearing the smooth, silky voice – its majestic owner ready to claim the now vacant paternal mantle. Severus struggled to his feet – the frozen sea air had stiffened his muscles and they screamed in defiance as he stretched out his skinny limbs.

Severus looked up and saw a tall, lithe figure standing alone under the old withered tree. The man wore fitted grey robes, black sandals and white gloves. His face was pallid and white skin was stretched taught across sunken cheeks. Only a few wisps of hair remained on a bald, smooth head – the strands were light golden blonde tinged with a white hue. He had a short thin nose and his eyes were small slits – dilated fire red pupils burned from deep within them.

The Dark Lord held out a gloved hand towards Severus, beckoning the teenager to come forth. Severus obeyed automatically, a supplicant yielding unquestioningly to a lifetime of obedience with this simple act. He stood shivering in front of the Dark Lord – his teeth chattering loudly and his body giving involuntary spasms against the cold sea air.

The Dark Lord gently waved his arm around and the cold night air vanished, replaced by a flowing hot breeze – it now felt as though a roaring fire burned fiercely right beside the tree. Severus didn't notice the temperature change, transfixed as he was on the red eyes staring right at him. They were filled with intelligence and power and terrible purpose. They hypnotized Severus, as they did to most everyone upon whom they fixed their red gaze.

"You have been deemed most worthy Severus Snape, most worthy indeed. A true servant to the pure blood cause, a willing soldier, a holy knight born to serve the righteous."

"Yes…my Lord." The words poured out of Severus of their own volition. He somehow knew the correct response without prompt.

"You stand on the precipice of something beautiful, something truly grandiose. Are you ready for what lies ahead?"

"Yes my Lord."

"The road will not be easy or straightforward. Very few wizards have traversed the golden path that lies before you. Sacrifices will be demanded, danger must be braved – your life may be the cost for our holy cause. Are you ready for what it is I ask of you? Are you prepared for this terrible crucible?"

"Yes my Lord."

"Heed my words. Do not take my warnings lightly."

"No my Lord."

The Dark Lord reached out a long pale finger and tilted the young man's chin up – His penetrating stare bore a deep hole down into Severus' mind. They were two black pools of nothingness, darker than night itself. They screamed of anger, of terrible pain, and of a deep yearning to be acknowledged.

Severus felt a gentle warmth spread throughout his body, his finger and toes tingled as if pressed with tiny pins. He could sense a strange presence within his head – someone new now resided in there, mingling with his private thoughts. His mind instinctively raised up defenses against this foreign intrusion – unknown safeguards he did not know he possessed were triggered and sprang into action. But he felt these mind shields probed and ultimately discarded, for the Dark Lord was never to be denied.

Severus could feel distant, long forgotten memories unearthed and shaken loose – his mind fragmented into small pieces and was shuffled around like a jigsaw puzzle. But rather than feeling violated, Severus was completely at ease. He wanted to share his personal memories and thoughts with this new master – a brutal mind rape that he meekly submitted to and even welcomed. He longed for someone to share in his pain and suffering, to bear witness to the injustices inflicted upon him – he unburdened himself totally and completely to the alien host now nestled within his mind.

Lord Voldemort observed the squalid upbringing within a small home located at the end of a dingy street, bore witness to the neglect and abuse suffered by a scared child. He experienced the incensed resentment experienced by a sullen teenager constantly harassed on a beautiful school campus. He became the longing regret that resided deep within this young Slytherin from lost opportunities and scorned relationships. And most importantly, He tasted the violence and power buried deep within the heart of Severus Snape.

The Dark Lord released his newest servant from His mental grasp, the most accomplished Legilimens the world had ever seen…had just seen enough. Yes, this one would make a worthy soldier – so much untapped potential, if only they all harnessed such reservoirs of dark power!

But there was something else lurking below the surface of this boy, a troubling capacity for the light He wouldn't have thought possible from someone so drawn to the dark. But it was of no concern, the Dark Lord knew that no one was truly light or truly dark – as a student long ago someone had once told him that it was the choices a wizard made – not his abilities and feelings – that revealed who he truly was. And this boy had made all the dark choices, all the right choices.

"Severusss…I warn you one final time to consider the blood oath you are sealing. Once consummated, there is no release from my service, not even in death. I have the ultimate power – can haunt foolish traitors into the very afterlife, can reach into the great beyond. I demand unquestioned loyalty, complete obedience – I will not tolerate failure. You may still serve me faithfully as an acolyte, there is no shame in it. The service of a Death Eater is reserved for only the true believers, the ardent stars of the dark universe!"

"I am one of them my Lord! I believe!"

"I doubt you Severus Snape!" Lord Voldemort pushed Severus away and spat at his feet. "I was witness to a great many things hidden deep within your mind! Disturbing and most troubling images…petty friendships with the weak and feeble! Cowardice in the face of danger! And most unsettling of all – you're drawn to the light!"

"No…no…that's not true!" Severus stammered, vigorously shaking his head. The sudden shift in mood alarmed him – I'm so close to being accepted! To being part of a loving family! What was it he saw in my heart?!

"You couldn't save your mother! You curried favor from filthy mud bloods! You allowed yourself to suffer humiliation and degradation at the hands of lesser wizards!"

"I – I – I was weak. I've learnt from those past transgressions. I seek to right my many wrongs. I want to become a better person, a stronger man…a powerful wizard!"

"Do not lie to me!"

"I'm not my Lord! Never to you!"

"What is it you truly want?! Tell me!" The Dark Lord's voice thundered, a smoldering volcano ready to spew violence at any moment. "Tell me…Snivellus!"

The loathed childhood nickname cut through Severus like an angry whipsaw, triggering white hot shame to well up inside him and fill his heart – "I want knowledge of the dark! I seek power to unleash revenge!" Severus was panting now, a red gleam radiated within his vacant eyes. "I want to be known, to be feared…I want to be…RESPECTED!"

His anguished scream carried far across the beach, reverberating loudly along the jagged cliff face. Lord Voldemort wore a satisfied smile on his twisted face – I always learn the truth, for they all bare their secrets whole to the Dark Lord.

"I can deliver you from the evil of your past, teach you to rain down vengeance upon this world that has wronged you so. Follow the golden path wholeheartedly, bind your soul to me and you will unlock a power residing dormant within you, a dark power only a few wizards have been blessed with. Become what you were destined to be!"

Severus held out a shaking arm – scared and enraged and excited all at once. The Dark Lord grasped Severus' left forearm in his left hand and turned the young man's palm face up. A silver blade appeared in the Dark Lord's right hand, glinting ominously in the moonlight. Severus waited with baited breath as the steel was held over his forearm, his skin suddenly burning in knowing anticipation.

The Dark Lord pressed the blade down into the waiting skin, red sticky blood bursting forth like a flowering rose. He slowly carved His gruesome symbol into his most recent initiate, taking his time and savoring the disfigurement. Severus yelled and screamed in uncomprehending pain, skinned alive, his flesh sliced right from the bone.

His forearm began to throb and his body trembled in shock, but Severus never yielded – he was determined to keep his eyes on the Dark Lord. Finally, mercifully, he was released from the iron grip and fell into a withering heap, his screams doing nothing to alleviate the throbbing, wrenching pain pulsing from his sliced forearm.

"Rissse…I said…RISE!"

Severus struggled to his feet, clutching his left arm tightly to his chest. Blood oozed from the deep cuts, the warm sticky liquid coagulating against his bare skin. The Dark Lord wrenched the injured arm free and waved his wand over the bloody cuts, muttering a dark incantation not found in any text on Earth.

Severus swayed unsteadily on the balls of his feet, threatening to pass out at any moment. But soon the throbbing pain subsided, replaced by a lukewarm sensation. He looked down at his arm – a coiled black snake now resided there. It slowly slithered in an eight shaped pattern, getting settled into its brand new nest.

Snape looked down at the snake and felt a sudden attachment to the serpentine brand. It was the missing piece in his inconsequential life, something that was always meant to be there. He looked up, desperate to again pledge his undying loyalty to the Dark Lord. He would be worthy of this noble honor!

But the Dark Lord had vanished into the salty sea air. Snape was left all alone on the sandy white beach, with only the moon and roaring waves to keep him company. He anxiously looked down at this left forearm, afraid it had all been a dream. But there it was, the infamous dark mark – the serpent stuck out its forked tongue, smiling at its new master…

…The faded snake grinned at its master – Snape fought disgust as he stared at his dark mark. The brand was darker than the previous year, but still very faint as compared to when the Dark Lord had been at the height of His powers.

"And do you solemnly pledge your loyalty to the Order of the Phoenix? Severus…are you paying attention?"

Snape looked up – piercing blue eyes nestled behind half-moon spectacles that rested on the crooked nose of Albus Dumbledore. The deep blue pupils were in stark contrast to the angry crimson flames of Snape's other master.

"Yes, of course I'm paying attention."

A nervous cough caused Snape to jerk his head around – he was standing on the far shores of the Great Lake, accompanied by Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall and Remus Lupin. The school castle loomed in the distance, a solemn witness to this curious scene.

Dumbledore was decked out in a splendid golden-orange robe, a bright red scarf draped around his shoulders. McGonagall and Lupin were draped in long silver robes with patterned red stripes crisscrossing their sleeves. Whereas Dumbledore wore an excited expression, the other two members of the Order were much less enthusiastic – wary looks painted across their brows.

Snape could not help but reflect back to his Death Eater initiation the 'Last Rite' – in such juxtaposition to Dumbledore's Order ceremony. Why these two sycophants had to bear witness to my Order initiation was beyond me. I can feel their suspicion permeating each scathing look they shoot my way. I risked my life countless times to save their brethren during the last wizarding war and my thanks? Slander to my good name! They cast aspersions and sow mistrust behind my back! Their lack of respect is disgusting!

"Do you solemnly –"

"Yes, yes – of course I do!"

McGonagall and Lupin gave each other a knowing look, while Dumbledore simply looked bemused.

"And do you swear, upon your priceless soul, to never to reveal the Order's most precious secrets? To never betray your brothers and sisters? To always be true to your solemn pledge?"

"I do."

"Swear to me, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore!"

"I do, I swear my allegiance to you!"

"Well done my boy!" Dumbledore exclaimed and then turned behind him. "Who bears witness to Severus Snape?"

"I, Minerva McGonagall, bear witness to Severus Snape!"

"I, Remus Lupin, bear witness to Severus Snape!"

The two Gryffindors then spoke in unison – "May he be received as a brother unto the Order, always protected, always cared for and always welcome!"

A golden red glow appeared around Snape, vibrating angrily and then washed away.

Dumbledore gave a quick clap, enthusiasm plainly evident on his face. "And now, for the final test."

Snape had begun to turn away, but Dumbledore's words stopped him in his tracks. What final test? He turned back to face Dumbledore and his two lackeys.

"A truly light wizard encompasses all that it means to be light – compassion, courage and of course, loyalty. The final test is to produce a fully corporal patronus."

"What? When?"

"Right now will suffice. If you please?"

Snape felt a cold sweat manifest itself at the nape of his neck, for he had never produced a patronus before. Could a dark wizard even have the ability to cast one? The one time he had been in the presence of hostile dementors he had wilted like a weak flower on a cold day. The patronus charm had a simple incantation, but was notoriously difficult for even powerful light wizards to cast.

Snape did not doubt his magical proficiency, but he did doubt his ability to cast a powerful light spell that required him to be bursting full of happiness.

"Headmaster, I'm actually not feeling –"

"I really must insist Severus. The final binding to Fawkes, to the Order, to me, is contingent on this one final display of light. Come now my boy, you can do it."

Snape looked between the encouraging Headmaster and his wary compatriots. He closed his eyes and thought of…what?

The silence stretched for what seemed like an eternity. Think! What made me happy? Truly happy?

Snape thought of the finest potion he had created, the first time he saw the school castle, an especially glowing compliment from a teacher…he thought of finally being accepted his housemates…the joy of being recruited to the Death Eater ranks, the acceptance he found there. His happiest thoughts were tinged with the dark, evil acts to which he had always been drawn.

"Expecto…patronum!"

A wispy white mist shot forth from his wand – a milky viper landed with a thud and began to slither to and fro. But it was hardly corporeal, its milky white scales crudely formed and barely visible in the sunlight. It slithered in an angry daze, unfocused and confusion. Its chalky eyes focused on a tall figure and slinked towards the Headmaster. It rose up and reared its hissing face in front of Dumbledore, baring its vaporous fangs and cloudy forked tongue and then…it melted away into the summer air.

McGonagall and Lupin instinctively reached for their wands and took a step forward – if a wizard could not produce a patronus than he was not truly light and darkness was the overriding force within him. And Snape's patronus had seemingly tried to attack their leader! Dumbledore held up a hand to his brethren, momentarily staying their wand hands. He walked up to Snape, unperturbed by the bizarre spell just conjured.

"I – I don't know what that was sir."

"Rest assured my boy – I've heard of dark patronuses, but I'd never actually seen one until this very moment."

"I didn't mean for it to…attack."

"You're not thinking clearly and it was confused, drawn to me yet frightened at the same time."

"It can…think?"

"Clearly you're not focused, not consumed by a single happy thought, yet you somehow were able to produce a variant of the light charm – simply amazing my boy. But now you must focus, clear your mind, empty it completely…concentrate on a single happy thought."

"I did! I was focusing!"

Snape's frustrated yell stirred the two wizards standing behind him. They each took a step forward, slowly unsheathing their wands.

"What you just conjured was not borne from happiness my boy. Relief, comfort, fleeting contentment – those memories feel good, but are no substitute for pure happiness."

"Nothing has ever made me happy!" Snape looked directly into Dumbledore's piercing blue eyes, then looked away. "Nothing."

"Hers was a doe…"

Dumbledore walked away from his whisper, gently guiding the other two Order soldiers away from Snape.

Snape shook his head, but Dumbledore's words didn't leave him – her memory soon took hold of Snape's thoughts. He always fought to keep her memory at bay, his mind had naturally developed barriers to suppress his feelings. These barriers kept her from his thoughts, but also affected the rest of his personality. They stifled Lily from his thoughts, but also warped his other emotions – they made him distant, cold…uncaring. It was a price he willingly paid in order to not feel the guilty sting of his betrayal. But he could bottle her up all the time.

A smile on someone's face, a funny joke, an intoxicating scent – something would always trigger a thought of her and Snape would become overwhelmed. Memories of Lily would take hold and he would be able to concentrate on nothing else for hours at a time. During these times, Snape would lock himself in a room and shut himself away from the world – focus on creating a potion or a new spell while Lily whispered to him. She was his drug and he was the recovering addict, relapsing from time to time.

With Dumbledore's whisper she slowly began to consume his inner core, the woman he had tried to bury far away from his waking thoughts. He couldn't help himself, standing here on the shores of a calming lake, a gorgeous sunny day, surrounded by strong light forces…he began to softly cry, hating himself for showing any emotion in front of others.

He turned away and gazed out across the Great Lake, hot tears sliding down his checks and into his dry mouth – the regret tasted salty and sweet. Ripples shimmered on the lake's blue surface, the merpeople floating below were drawn to the cries. The water reminded Snape of a vast ocean he gazed upon long ago…the moment where he took his first step down a dark path he had been trying to turn from ever since.

The doors in his memory house soundlessly opened, sunlight filtered in for the first time in months, warming the dark recesses of his mind. I'm so sorry Lily…I miss you so much it hurts. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to still think of you. But it never stops hurting, I think about you every single day – you're always in my thoughts. I never ever wanted to be the source of your pain, never wanted to destroy the happiness you had lovingly built. I was mad, I was angry…I was lost! So lost…

Snape flashed back to his childhood, little Severus secretly watching a beautiful red head laughing on a swing. Coveting a forbidden fruit amongst the trees in Eden. How could I have wrought such devastation down upon a sweet angel, wreaked such havoc on her life? The only person in the world who didn't care what I looked like or where I came from – the only one who ever cared about me selflessly, altruistically, never once expecting anything in return except my company!

I don't deserve peace, I don't deserve happiness – I am due a lifetime of penance for what I have done. My actions merit agony, I am to be Sisyphus, forever carrying this boulder of regret.

Yes, she chose another…my rival…but I don't blame you Lily flower. I was a mess, hated myself, reviled the world. I wouldn't have chosen me either…I don't blame you…

I didn't mean to! It was a mistake…I'm so sorry Lily. I wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn't with me, I swear to you I did!

I promise to protect your son. I swear it! On my life, in this world and the next. I swear to you he will be kept safe! He will survive! He will live! I promise you Lily…you will not have died in vain…

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

A stunningly effervescent light shone bright on the shores of the Great Lake, illuminating the air and blinding three stunned Gryffindors. They all took a step back, holding their arms up to shield their eyes, a brilliant light penetrating their very beings. A starry eyed white doe playfully galloped around them, impishly running in circles. It looked so real, so full of zest…so alive.

Behind the gorgeous doe stood a skinny pale man. He had shoulder-length black greasy hair, a hooked nose and sallow skin. Nothing in his appearance spoke of power or talent or a capacity of light. But his unassuming appearance belied the prodigious magical talent that flowed within his blood.

Severus Snape had enough dark in his soul to absorb the dark mark and live, yet he had such light within him to conjure a stunning patronus that could scatter a thousand dementors. How was this wizard able to walk within both worlds? How was he able to balance the two opposing forces, nimbly walk on the edge of a sword blade? Which path would he ultimately choose when the time came?

An eerie cry echoed out among the clouds and a dazzling red flame swooped low towards Snape. The reedy man held his right arm above his head and a golden red bird blazed towards him in angry arc. Snape closed his eyes, squeezed his right hand as tight as he could and grasped the flaming red tail of Fawkes. Both disappeared in an angry flash of fire – a single feather floated in the wind, the only evidence they had ever been there.

McGonagall appeared shell shocked and Lupin's mouth was agape in dumbfounded amazement – there was light in the brooding Potions Master after all.

Dumbledore removed a silver handkerchief from his robes and lightly dabbed his misty eyes. He then turned to the newest member of the Hogwarts' faculty.

"Welcome back to school Remus."