IV
Wasteland
"On your N.E.W.T.s you can expect to see a heavy focus on Conjuring Spells," McGonagall lectured, a list of spells and categories magically appearing on the chalkboard behind her as she spoke. "In addition to proficiency in performing these spells, it is vital that you fully understand the accompanying principles."
Hermione let her mind wander, knowing that this information had long ago been engraved into her mind. She was too tired and distracted right now to focus on McGonagall's lecture. There were other things on her mind.
The full moon was in a few days and Hermione was feeling its effects full-force. She must have eaten three times her normal serving of oatmeal for breakfast that morning. In addition, she had the most compelling craving for red meat.
In the pair of desks in front of Hermione, Seamus shifted in his seat, passing a note to Ron, who sat to his right. The way Seamus' lips quirked caught Hermione's eye. Ron turned his head to grin in response to the note, and Hermione was momentarily enraptured by the way the muscles of Ron's shoulders and back moved. She stared dreamily at the two boys in front of her, only brought back to the present by a tap on her shoulder. She turned to look at her tablemate, pushing the strange thoughts about Seamus and Ron out of her mind.
Harry whispered a question about the Principle of Artificianimate Quasi-Dominance, which she promptly answered, turning her attention back ahead.
You've gone mad, Hermione. When did you become so boy-crazy?
She knew that it was the full moon doing this to her. Remus' books had mentioned the enhanced sex drive that Lycanthropes often experienced before the full moon. It went hand in hand with the increased energy levels and restlessness. Hermione had found that she simply couldn't sit still today. Focusing on her teachers and classes had been harder than ever, especially with all of the people around her.
She idly wondered how Remus coped with all of this. He barely ever took days off anymore unless it was the morning after the full moon. Did it get easier over time? Were there coping methods? Hermione pondered this while she watched the way Seamus picked up a hand and mussed his hair, sending a wave of his musky cologne towards Hermione.
That was another thing: Hermione was astonished by how heightened her senses were. Sure, everyone knew that Werewolves had unusually keen senses of smell, sight, and hearing, but the magnitude of it was so much more than Hermione had anticipated. She could now easily identify each one of her acquaintances and friends just by their natural scent. She could smell Ginny's rosy perfume lingering on Harry, she could smell Gregory Goyle's body odor from across the classroom, and she could smell the licorice sticks that Ron had snacked on after Double Charms that morning. She could smell everything and anything.
"We have several weeks before N.E.W.T.s," McGonagall continued, "but I must stress how vital it is that you all begin revising as soon as possible. In addition to reviewing the material in class with me, I expect that you all are spending substantial time revising."
The bell rang, and Hermione mechanically pushed her books and quill into her bag, lugging the heavy thing over her shoulder and resisting the urge to wince at the pain in her joints. It was like her body was anticipating the impending pain of the transformation. As if she didn't have enough to worry about, fear for the transformation weighed heavy in her mind.
"Are you headed to the library?" Harry asked as they exited the classroom. Ron caught up with them after a moment, falling into stride on Hermione's left. She frowned at the scent of Lavender's pungent perfume that lingered on his clothes.
"Um, I think so, yes." Hermione was lying, but she knew the boys wouldn't catch her in it. They had to go to Quidditch Practice. "Will you be joining me later?"
"I might, yeah," Harry sighed, obviously deep in thought, "It's probably time to start studying."
"I'm glad you think so," said Hermione. "Ron, you should start thinking about joining me in the library as well."
"Yeah, whatever," Ron grumbled, a grim look on his face at the prospect of studying.
The boys walked with Hermione nearly the whole way to the library, only splitting off when the path leading to the locker rooms diverged from her own. She said her goodbyes, waiting until they were out of sight before turning around and heading in the complete opposite direction of the library.
Luckily the Hospital Wing wasn't very crowded today. Hermione made her way towards Madam Pomfrey quietly. She didn't want any rumors spreading about her being sick or paying too many visits to the Hospital Wing.
"Now, Mr. Perkins, I want you to rest. Don't move that arm unless you have to," Pomfrey said pointedly, casting a final diagnostic spell on a bruised and obviously broken arm of a Second Year Hufflepuff boy. The boy gave a meek nod and Pomfrey turned away.
"Hi, Madam Pomfrey," Hermione greeted, forcing herself to smile politely even though it was exceedingly difficult when thinking about the potion she was about to ingest.
"Ah, Miss Granger," Pomfrey bustled past the young witch, moving towards her office near the front of the Hospital Wing. "Here is your potion," she picked up the green bottle, handing it over.
Hermione took the Wolfsbane and uncorked it, trying not to breathe through her nose while she downed its contents. The thing really did taste awful. She'd had to drink one dose every night this week and the taste only seemed to get worse with each bottle.
Pomfrey stood there for a long moment, waiting until Hermione had finished her potion.
"Is there something else?" Hermione furrowed her brow.
"Yes," Madam Pomfrey nodded, "the Headmaster has asked to see you in his office after you're done here."
"Oh."
"You should go," Pomfrey said solemnly, "the password is Fizzing Whisbees."
Hermione stood there for a long moment before deciding that she didn't want to keep Dumbledore waiting. She swept out of the hospital wing and briskly made her way across the school.
"Come in," Dumbledore's muffled voice called through the doorway just as Hermione arrived at the top of the staircase. She turned the doorknob and slipped inside. She was surprised to see that Professor Dumbledore wasn't alone; Remus was there as well, his shoulder's tight with tension as he stood beside Dumbledore's desk.
"Is everything alright?" Hermione asked, stepping further inside and standing across from Dumbledore's desk.
"Everything is fine," the Headmaster assured, glancing between Remus and Hermione genially. It was only now that Hermione recognized that Remus was going through the same thing she was: the extra energy, the aching muscles and joints, the enhanced senses.
"I simply wanted to discuss the arrangements for the upcoming full moon," Dumbledore continued. "Remus and I have discussed it, and we both think that the Shrieking Shack is a suitable place for the pair of you to spend the night."
"Only if you want me to be there with you," Remus interjected, looking anxious. Now that Hermione was closer to him she could make out the tired lines of his face.
"Of course," Hermione breathed, "I mean- if you don't want to-"
"I want to help you, Hermione," said Remus. His finality was somewhat reassuring.
She nodded mutely, turning back to Dumbledore and trying to ignore the flutter in her stomach at the intense way Remus had looked at her. This damned increased sex drive was going to be the death of her if she didn't learn to control herself… First Seamus, then Ron, and now Remus?
"Wonderful," Professor Dumbledore clasped his hands together, "I'm glad that's settled. But as for your friends, Miss Granger: I trust you know that this cannot be hidden from them forever."
"I know." Hermione studied the carpet beneath her feet. "I just… I need more time…" She didn't want Harry, Ron, and Ginny to know yet. When they found out it would just make this situation an even bigger part of her life. Plus, after they knew it wouldn't be long before the rest of the Weasleys knew. She wasn't ready to be on the receiving end of their pity yet.
"Understandable," Dumbledore said, "I don't think it will be too suspicious if you have one more sick day in the hospital wing, do you?"
Hermione shook her head. "They're too busy with other things to notice at this point." In truth, she was a bit worried about Ginny's suspicion, but she could deal with that when the time came.
"Very well."
After a few other minor details were straightened out, Hermione and Remus departed from Dumbledore's office together. She could feel the awkwardness that still lingered between them.
"Where are you headed?" He asked just as they finished descending the staircase from Dumbledore's office.
"The library."
"Hmmm. I should have guessed." His lighthearted tone was a welcome change. Hermione couldn't help smiling in response.
"Well," Remus exhaled, "since my office is in that direction I might as well accompany you."
They talked casually for a few moments. He asked her how she was finding the books he'd given her. She told him that of the ones she'd managed to get through so far, the information was proving very useful.
"And how are you coping with the side effects?" He asked, giving her a sidelong glance. They were nearly at the library now.
Hermione furrowed her brow. "'Side effects?'"
"Sorry, that's what I call them. You know," he lowered his voice, "the pre-moon symptoms. Are you feeling them yet?"
She nodded, "yeah. They're a lot more potent than I expected, especially the sense of smell." Never mind the sex drive, a voice in her head added.
"Ah," he sighed, "I'm afraid the sense of smell never quite goes away. The other ones do become easier to tune out, though."
"Even the restlessness?" she asked, "I feel like I could go a week without sleeping if I wanted to."
"The restlessness is a bad one as well," he conceded, "but I happen to have a solution…"
Hermione perked up. "What is it?"
"I go for runs a lot before the full moon, believe it or not. It helps to get rid of all the energy and aggression. Plus, running helps you fall asleep, and you need plenty of sleep for this sort of thing." They were outside the library now. Remus stopped and faced her, tilting his head to the side a little and watching her. "You know, I was planning on going for a short jog around the grounds after dinner tomorrow night. You're welcome to join me if you'd like."
"Really?" Hermione considered it. She'd never been on a run before, but she was desperate for something to waste all this extra energy on. "I'd love to, actually."
He smiled, and Hermione was glad for it because it was the first honest smile she'd seen from him in a long time. "Good. Are you nervous?"
Hermione glanced behind her, making sure no students were within earshot. "Yeah," she admitted, her expression falling, "the books you gave me made me feel a lot more prepared, but still…"
"It's frightening," he finished for her. She nodded. "Don't worry too much about it. It's only a few minutes of real pain, and then you're just tired. It'll be okay in the end, Hermione." Despite the positive tone of his words, she could see the self-hatred welling up in his eyes.
How long would it be before he forgave himself for this? Would he ever forgive himself?
She took a deep breath and looked him square in the eyes. "Yeah, it will be okay."
He managed a half-smile and quickly said his goodbyes. Hermione stood still and watched as he retreated off towards the DADA corridor. It was only the footsteps of another approaching student that spurred her on into the library. She pushed everything about the full moon and Remus out of her mind, intent on at least getting some revision done before the boys came back from Quidditch practice.
Hermione was pleasantly surprised to find that jogging wasn't actually that bad. She met Remus after dinner the night before the full moon and they spent at least an hour running around the Black Lake, occasionally stopping to rest and admire the scenery. Slowly, Hermione's excessive amounts of energy were worn down, along with some of her anxiety about the full moon. It was late when they both decided to head back to the school.
They walked slowly back up the path to Hogwarts, talking about Hermione's classes, what they were learning in DADA; anything but the full moon. Eventually they went their separate ways. Hermione made her way up to her dormitory with barely enough energy to take a shower before passing out under her warm duvet.
When the morning came Hermione felt marginally more rested than before, but it was a welcome improvement. There was also a strange sense of foreboding within her. It was like her body was warning her of the impending full moon, renewing her anxiety and never allowing thoughts of what would happen that night to leave her mind.
Her nervousness made the whole day pass too quickly. After dinner she made her way to the front of the school like Dumbledore had instructed her. She saw Remus already waiting there, but was surprised to note that Professor Snape was also present.
"Hello," she greeted, offering her best attempt at a polite smile.
"Hi, Hermione," Remus replied. He looked almost as anxious as she felt. It was sort of relieving to know that he was going through the same thing she was, and she wondered if he felt the same about her being there.
"Let's go," said Snape. The Potions Master wore a blank expression as he escorted them out of the school, heading towards the Whomping Willow at a brisk pace. A strange jolt of magic told Hermione that Snape had wordlessly disillusioned the three of them. She assumed that that was why Dumbledore had asked Snape to escort them. He was there to make sure that Lucius Malfoy couldn't get to them again. Hermione shuddered at the thought.
When they arrived at the Whomping Willow Snape stopped. He looked distinctly uncomfortable all of a sudden, and Hermione assumed that it was probably memories of what had happened here in her third year. She still had nightmares about all of it: the Dementors, Remus' transformation, and Sirius attacking Ron. Maybe Snape had nightmares as well.
"I will be back to retrieve you in the morning," Snape drawled, staring the two of them down. "Do not leave the Shack until I am there." With that, he stormed off.
Hermione followed Remus all the way through the passageway and into the Shrieking Shack. It looked similar to when she had last been here, but there were a few minor changes. There was less dust and rotten wood, and the claw marks that used to cover the walls and floors were now gone. In addition, Hermione spotted a new rug in the middle of the large room along with a worn out couch that hadn't been there before. She wondered if it had been renovated for Remus when he came back to Hogwarts at the beginning of the year.
"We have about fifteen minutes," Remus stated, looking down at his wristwatch before he began to remove it. Hermione was confused at first, but then she remembered that all their clothes would be destroyed if they didn't remove them before the transformation. She could feel the blush rise in her cheeks.
As if he could hear her thoughts, Remus spoke up, "there's some spare dressing robes that Albus said he would have here for us." Hermione watched as he searched the room and eventually came forward with two oversized robes. "They can be repaired in the morning," he murmured.
Hermione nodded and took one of the robes, shuffling off to the old, out of order bathroom that was adjoined to the Drawing Room and shutting the door behind her. She changed awkwardly, her fingers fumbling with the buttons of her blouse and her teeth chattering from the general draftiness of the house along with her skittishness.
When she came out of the decrepit bathroom Remus was already changed. They must have looked quite funny, both of them in the Shrieking Shack in dressing robes, waiting for the moon to rise.
Hermione sat down on the edge of the couch gingerly, noticing the way her joints and muscles were starting to ache even more acutely in anticipation of what was to come. She didn't notice that her knee was bouncing up and down rapidly until Remus pointed it out.
"You're scared," he said.
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
"It'll be over in a matter of minutes, just remember that." She didn't know how he was speaking so calmly right now, but credited it to years of experience with this sort of thing. "Plus," he continued, "I really don't think the transformation will be quite as bad now that we're going through it together."
They stood in silence for a few more minutes. Hermione tried to focus on her breathing, repeating an in… out… in… out mantra in her head. She could feel Remus' eyes on her, but didn't meet his gaze. She knew that he felt awful about her first transformation. Over the past month his guilt and self-hatred had waned slightly, but now they would come back full force when he saw how much pain Hermione was about to go through.
With a sudden jolt, Hermione knew that the transformation was starting. Her skin began to crawl, as if her blood was flowing through her body at three times the normal pace. Remus took several steps backward and closed his eyes. Hermione mimicked him, slamming her eyes shut and trying not to cry.
Soon the pain started. It was worse than any pain Hermione could have imagined. First, she felt the bones of her fingers start to pop out of place and reform. After her fingers every bone in her body started to feel like it was shifting and breaking. That was when she started to scream. She wasn't even coherent enough to notice if Remus was screaming as well, but she knew that with this sort of pain, he must have been.
Sometime during all of this she had fallen off the couch, onto the floor. She was on her knees now, clutching and clawing at her skin as it ripped and changed to fur. It was one part horribly disturbing and one part terribly painful.
It was the end of the transformation that hurt the most. She'd read about this part in the books Remus gave her. This was the part where her spine reformed itself, and she could almost hear the bones crack. There were several seconds in which she thought that the transformation had gone horribly wrong and she was about to snap in half and die.
Finally, the pain started to diminish. It was quick and merciful. Hermione found herself able to stop crying and moaning in pain. She stared at the floorboards beneath her for a long minute as the ripples of pain and tingling aftershock subsided. Finally, she was able to lift her head and refocus on her surroundings.
A large grey wolf was standing across from her; it's amber eyes bright and focused. For a moment, a shiver of fear rippled down her spine. Would he hurt her? Was she safe? But then her senses came back and she realized that this was just Remus. He was just as conscious as she was right now, and she definitely was conscious.
She assessed her new body, noting the significant height difference and the changes in her muscles and limbs. Glancing down, she saw that furry paws beneath her. They were a dark shade of brown, just like the rest of her fur and, as she looked back, her tail.
She wanted to tell Remus how surreal all of this was and how different the transformation had been from what she expected, but she realized that she couldn't speak. She opened her mouth – which was now actually a snout – and let out something akin to a bark.
For a moment she thought he might bark back at her, but instead he turned and started towards the large carpet, sniffing it for a few seconds before lying down on it. His head rested on his front legs as he sat, his amber eyes still trained on Hermione.
She knew that he was trying to lead by example and get her to lie down and rest, but she couldn't rest at a time like this. She began to methodically make her way around the room, sniffing every strange scent she could pick up on. If she thought that her sense of smell before had been great, it was nothing compared to this. There were hundreds of new scents to dissect, and she found that she simply couldn't resist doing just that. As she made her way back and forth around the room Remus' amber eyes followed her the whole way, always calm and observant.
It was at least two hours before she was done, her restlessness somewhat worn out. She finally made her way towards the carpet and curled up a few feet from Remus, closing her eyes and trying to drift off to sleep.
When morning finally came, Hermione was startled awake by the same fiery pain she had felt several hours earlier. Before she had much time to get her bearings she was howling out in pain. She desperately clawed at her fur as the transformation progressed, unable to get a grip as her howls slowly turned into human screams.
The transformation felt longer this time, and when it subsided she collapsed on the ground, naked and shivering.
Remus' grunt of pain as he fell to the ground a few feet away made her realize where she was: nude and lying only a few feet from her equally nude professor. She picked her head up despite the protest from nearly every aching bone in her body and looked around, soon spotting her dressing robe. In a few moments she was shrugging the somewhat ruined robe over herself, and judging from the rustling behind her, Remus was doing the same.
While shrugging the robe over her shoulders, Hermione was surprised to find several red scratch marks trailing up her arms, spanning other random parts of her body. None of them broke the skin, but it was still an alarming sight.
"Are you okay?" Remus' hoarse voice caught her attention. She turned to him, seeing the way his eyes traced the faintly raised skin on her arms.
"That hurt a lot," she groaned, leaning against the front of the couch and closing her eyes. She could feel the exhaustion weighing her down, mingling with the resounding aches of her muscles and joints.
After a long break of silence, Remus spoke up again, "we should get changed. Severus will be here soon."
Hermione didn't even try to restrain her groan. "I'm so tired."
"We'll be back at the castle soon. Once we get there you can sleep for the whole day," he spoke in harsh breaths, struggling to stand upright.
Hermione eventually got herself up from the ground as well, making her way back into the small bathroom to change. It took her several minutes longer to change, the pain of lifting her arms and legs causing a significant delay. Finally, she exited the bathroom to find an equally dressed Remus. Together, they made their slow way back to the passage to the Whomping Willow. On the way, Hermione was surprised to see the cloaked form of Professor Snape coming towards them. For some reason, she'd doubted that he would actually come to retrieve them.
Snape immediately pulled two vials from his robes, handing one to Hermione and one to Remus. "From Poppy," he explained uselessly, looking uncomfortable with the idea that maybe he cared enough to bring them Pepper up Potions.
Hermione drank hers quickly, shaking off the steaming ears and happily allowing some of her pains to fade away. Remus drank his and a moment later they were off.
Snape escorted them all the way back to the Hospital Wing, letting out huffs of irritation in response to their slow pace. In the Hospital Wing Madam Pomfrey escorted Hermione and Remus to a closed off corner of the room, giving each a bed to sit on while she sorted out some other potions to take.
Hermione sat on the edge of the bed gazing down at her arms. The scratches had faded some, but they were still prominent. A glance up at Remus showed that he was eyeing them too, the same sad expression on his face. "It's not that bad," she said meekly, rubbing her arms.
He exhaled slowly, "you're right. It's not."
She tilted her head in confusion. "You think so?"
He nodded. "Usually the first transformation leaves much more damage. It's probably because we were together. When wolves are close to each other around the moon many aspects of the transformation get easier. That's why so many wolves tend to travel in packs." He was falling into his lecturing mode. It was actually quite endearing that he could still be scholarly and thoughtful in this state. Hermione shook that thought away as quickly as it came.
"Huh," she murmured.
Before Remus had any more time to explain his theories or lecture further Pomfrey came back, her arms full of various healing products. Hermione and Remus each took three separate potions: one for strengthening, one for soreness, and one for magical drainage. In addition, Hermione received a large amount of both Scarring Salve and Bruising Paste.
Hermione and Remus were soon ushered out of the Hospital Wing, both eager to get back to their own rooms and rest. Before they parted in the corridor Hermione turned to Remus. "Professor," she said, for some reason adopting the formality because they were in the public corridors of the school, "thank you for everything. I really appreciate it."
Remus rested his tired eyes on her and smiled wearily. It was only now that she realized that his human eyes were quite different from the amber color of the wolf's. These eyes were a speckled shade of green. "It's no problem, Hermione," he said, "in fact, it was a lot easier to have you around than being alone. Thank you."
She stamped down the urge to blush and quickly said goodbye, rushing off through the corridors back to her dormitory as quickly as her fatigued legs would carry her. Luckily, Evan was still asleep, so she didn't have to answer any potentially troublesome questions about why she was sneaking in so early in the morning, looking much worse for the wear.
In the privacy of her own room, Hermione decided that before she could sleep she really needed to bathe. The Pepper Up Potion had helped a lot with the tiredness, so she didn't feel as if she would fall asleep at any moment. This allowed her to take the opportunity to run herself a hot, soothing bath.
The bottle of Lavender soap that Hermione always used was sitting on the edge of the tub, waiting for a special occasion like this one. Hermione's mother occasionally bought her Lavender soap from a Muggle store and sent it to Hermione at school. Hermione reserved it for special occasions simply because her mum couldn't send it that often.
She stripped down slowly, letting out sighs of pain every time she had to move her body too much. After all her clothes had been tossed on the floor she stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at her reflection pensively. It was now that she noted that the skin of her neck and shoulders had also been clawed red in the heat of the moment. In addition to the raised skin all over her body she noted her awfully pale complexion, combined with the skittish look in her eyes. She looked dreadful.
Settling into the hot bathwater, Hermione washed herself thoroughly with her Lavender soap. The scent reminded her of when she was little and her mother used to wash and comb her unruly hair every night. These thoughts only served to make her feel guilty that her parents didn't know what was going on, but it was better this way. This way her parents didn't have to worry. This way Hermione didn't have to assure them that she was okay when in truth last night had been the most awful, torturous night of her life.
She closed her eyes, leaning her head against the back of the bathtub and stretching out her limbs. Images of the moon and of the night sky flashed before her closed eyelids. She couldn't help but remember the grotesque pain of her bones breaking and fusing together again. The memory sent her whole body into a bit of a spasm. Water spilled over the edges of the tub and Hermione had to open her eyes and clench her fists together to get herself to stop shaking. A few stray tears leaked from her eyes as she washed her hair and finished up her bath.
She stepped out of the bathtub and quickly applied the Scarring Salve Pomfrey had given her, still shaking. A few moments later she was falling into bed, curling up beneath the heavy duvet and drifting off to sleep. Her dreams were frightening memories of the full moon and of the pain it brought, mingled with a few moments of respite in which she dreamt of the smell of lavender and the rich color of Remus' amber wolf eyes.
It was a long night.
Author's Note: Thanks so much for all the reviews/favorites/follows! You guys are so wonderful. The next chapter is where it really gets exciting…