"Do you think we fight too much?" I asked Kegan .

"No." He replied. "Why? What gave you an idea like that?" We both smirked at each other, in between our crossed swords.

We broke apart again, both of us tried to swing at the same time, colliding, crossing blades again, and then stepping back in defensive stances. "I don't know, the idea just suddenly popped into my head." I joked. "But really…do we fight too much?"

"You love sparring, why so much concern?"

"It isn't very ladylike for one thing."

"Etiquette with your grandmother again?" I nodded in reply. "How did that go?"

"Terrible…worse than terrible, utterly horrendous." I sighed. "Tauris would make a better lady than I would." I grinned a little to myself. "Even Fien would make a better lady than I would."

Kegan swung hard just as I finished my sentence, trying to pull my blade from my hand. My eyes narrowed at him in response. "Almost got you." He smirked back and his eyes lit up, turning from grey to silver. I both loved and hated it when they did that.

I pushed him but he pushed harder, and after a few more swings and attempts to gain the upper hand again I landed in the sand. Silver eyes were shining when he announced "I win." with a smug looking smile, lopsided as always.

"I don't stand much of a chance after ladyship lessons anyway." I shrugged.

"As chilly a reception as I would get from a December forge." Kegan smiled down at me.

"Now you're just trying to be sweet." I glared at him, albeit more softly.

"It's a rather odd name of endearment."

"Mother smiles every time Father calls her it though." I recalled fondly.

"Yet you glare when I call you it."

"Honestly, I kiss you a handful of times and you expect me to smile when you win and hang on your arm." I rolled my eyes, my tone sarcastic.

"Well, actually…"

"Kegan!"

"Oi, I'm only joking with you." He smiled. "Beloved."

I made a face at the term. Kegan noticed quickly. "Well you could pull a better face than that."

"Sorry." I apologized. "But beloved…" I made another face when I had to repeat the word. "…is a little too much."

"After all the creativity I wasted on coming up with the name." Kegan mock-scoffed.

"Creative?" I raised an eyebrow. "Every man in the histories since the gods made stone has called his wife or intended beloved."

"Well you can't mess around with something that's worked since stone came into existence." Kegan smirked. "Beloved." He laughed at how my face cringed, and held out a hand to bring me to my feet. I pulled him down instead, delivering a sharp beating to his shoulder, trying to pin him to the ground and eventually giving in among the laughter and struggle to place a kiss to his face.

The sound of a man clearing his throat captured my attention and I looked up from Kegan's face to see my father standing by the edge of the arena. I glanced down apologetically at Kegan. "I have to go." I said. "More etiquette, now that Grandmother is done with her duties again."

"Goodbye belo-" I glared and he corrected himself. "Goodbye Fali."

Much better.

/

I awoke, my mind trying to cling to memories of silver eyes and friendly spars, and my grandmother trying her best to teach me how I should address different lords and ladies. But all memories of family, friends and carefree afternoons were swept away, revealing only a very grey morning. A single ray of sun streaked across the sky…silver, for a moment and then also gone…I missed Kegan. I'd never say how much, for fear of him laughing over it. We were young, and he was being charming, and people often teased about 'first loves' when we passed by on our way to the training grounds…but right now I wanted his hand, outstretched to lift me up, more than anything. I wanted to hear my father cough from the side, I wanted my mother's comforting smile.

Homesickness had struck me, strong and unexpected.

Maybe if Sam hadn't spoken so much about stories that mattered…maybe then I could have kept my family in the back of my mind and focus on what was important right now.

"Why does it look so sad?"

I turned to Gollum, who was watching me. I found a single tear was trailing down my cheek. "I am not." I retorted, getting up and stretching out my back, hearing a series of clicks and pops as it straightened itself out. An old storm sewer had not made for a very soft bed last night.

Gollum shook his nearly hairless head. "It knows…"

"Nothing, so you've told me before." I shrugged him. I glanced over the hobbits.

"Well at least you didn't eat them while I was asleep.' I muttered to myself.

"Eats them?" Gollum laughed, and it was a very unsettling laugh, like that of a mad man, only lighter and as if the one laughing had not drank a drop of water in years. "Why would we eats them?"

"I can imagine you getting very hungry one night." I said, but inside I was thinking 'You were very badly treated when Faramir's men caught you…I don't know they did to you exactly but I'm sure you didn't like it…you probably expected Frodo to do something, and none of us lifted a finger for you…not to mention Faramir warned us not to trust you before he mentioned this storm drain and had you by the throat…'

How was I supposed to help this creature? Could he even be helped? The only way I could think to help him was to put him out of his misery.

You could, I thought to myself, and the idea itself inserted a large amount of paranoia into my head, almost as though I believed Gollum could hear my thoughts. Frodo and Sam are asleep. The way to Mordor is clearer now. Surely it won't be too hard to find the stairs that Gollum had spoken of. I could find them when we reached the cliff…I had grown up in dwarf kingdom, I knew how to find stairs etched into solid rock. I could kill him. Here. Now.

No, not here. The sound of it would wake Frodo. And if I there wasn't enough room in the sewer to ensure the first strike would be fatal either. Gollum, if he lived, would only be angrier…even deadly.

But I could find a way...just maybe…

I walked out of the old sewer and headed for the forest were right by. The trees were bare, twisted, knotted things, with strangely pale bark. The whole forest looked sick or evil in it's own way, and I doubted that I'd find even a crow in the woods to hunt down.

"What's it doing?" Gollum watched me. "Where's it going? Is it leaving us?" He seemed almost happy at the thought I could be leaving. Did he not want me here? He wasn't fond of me per say…but he seemed almost too joyous. I wondered if it was because I protected Sam and Frodo so fiercely, and he wanted to hurt them. I would never let that happen. Gollum may have said all was forgiven, that he would be decent, but I remembered what Faramir said, and my trust did not lie with the creature.

"I'm not leaving, I'm only to go see if I can hunt something down. If there's anything to be found at all." I huffed. "And your coming with me." I added, turning around and giving him a hard glare, clearly showing how serious I was. The statement was not meant as a suggestion, but rather a command.

Gollum showed some resistance and I thought he looked straight into my mind and seen my sinister plot there. He looked back at the slumbering hobbits, but I hardened my glare and said "Well come on." He followed, crawling on the ground behind me. I set out, walking him as far away as I could.

A thousand things tumbled through my mind. Was I really doing this? He was a person, in a way.

But he wanted us dead, I was almost sure of it.

But not quite sure.

We didn't need him anymore.

Perhaps we did need a guide.

I would regret it if I didn't do it.

Would Mother and Father forgive me?

He was more creature than human anyway…and not the nice, trustworthy sort of creature.

Would I forgive myself?

This was murder…what an awful word.

But I had to keep the hobbits safe.

Soon we were far enough away, and I pretended to search over the trees and bare shrubs for tracks. "Nothing." I sighed, shaking my head. "Not even lizards for you."

"Nothing grows…nothing stays." Gollum said behind me.

"We'll keep looking." I said. "Come on." Gollum looked back the way we'd come. "I said, come on now." I added. "We have to find something. The lembas won't last forever. And we have a long way back as well."

The ground grew softer. Not good for burrowing creatures, it retained too much moisture, and gods only knew how wretched the water that gathered here was. It was at the end of an old sewage drain after all…

I continued searching, partially to make Gollum think all was well, and partially because it would be nice if I could actually hunt something. I had not been lying when I said our supply of lembas was waning. Frodo had fell asleep after traveling through the drain, somewhat fitfully, but still asleep, and Sam and I had taken the opportunity to check over our supplies.

"There's not much left, is there Miss Fali?"

"There's enough." I replied. "We'll just have to be careful."

"Ration it, you mean?"

"Yes Sam. It is elvish bread, even small pieces will feed us." I grinned. "Remember when Pippin ate four squares of it? He was so sick in the boat, stuffed full like a turkey at Yuletide."

"Aye, I remember." Sam said, his tone happy as we remembered that time. "I'll never tell the Took this, but I'm actually starting to miss his antics. Him and Merry both."

"Me too." I sighed. "Mischievous…but sweet fools nonetheless."

It had taken time, and bit of arguing over how many meals and days we would still have ahead of us, and the two of us tried to work out math with parchment or quill, and keep the scenarios and sums all aligned, but we sorted out the lembas, rationed the water we had with us, hoping that a decent well would be found when we returned to more civilised land on the journey home, and finally got some sleep, trusting that the sewer offered enough shelter.

"Doesn't like us…" Gollum said through hushed breath.

"To be fair, I'm not sure if you like us either." I replied, looking back to see Gollum plucking worms from the dirt. "You only seem to like Frodo." Though that may have changed by now…I reminded myself.

"Master." Gollum nodded.

I wandered slowly behind Gollum, still pretending to be looking for game, as he continued to pull worms out of the earth. "If only you had a family we could have just returned to you to." I said. Or a cage, I thought inside.

"What does it know?"

"About family?" I asked. "More than you will ever know." I silently drew my sword. "Back home, I have a mother and father, and more uncles than I can count on both hands. And brothers, three of them." I touched my bear-shaped pendent. "Gideon." I mumbled.

"Who is it?"

"Gideon." I said, more strongly. "The youngest of my brothers. He came with us."

"He's gone…dead." Gollum said.

"He is not dead!" I snapped, and found my temper suddenly fueling me, giving me the strength to do what I needed to. "He just didn't follow us. He stayed back with the others. He went home."

"He left it behind."

"He did not, I choose to do this." I argued. Gollum's attention remained on the worms.

I pointed the sword at Gollum, slowly coming closer, aiming it between his ribs. Quick, I thought. One strike. He may cry out, but only once. If I strike hard enough, he won't even make any sound at all. It may even be painless. Not that I cared very much about how the creature died, I just wanted him gone as soon as possible. I'd swing for his neck and behead him, but I was afraid he would see my shadow or suspect if I came any closer.

You need to do this. I spoke to myself inside. For Frodo, for Sam. We've been more and more on edge since he came along. He's unstable now that he's been mistreated. Never mind that, he's always been unstable. You can do this. You should do this. I raised my blade, readying to strike. It will end soon. Frodo will have to forgive you. He has to understand that you did it because you were afraid that Gollum would kill him, for the Ring, now that the trust between the two has been broken. Do it. Now.

I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes down to slits, and made to strike.

"Deagol."

"What? Who?" I asked, remembering that if I stayed quiet Gollum may turn around and see me with my sword raised, ready to impale him. "Don't tell your three different people now. It was hard enough with two."

"No." Gollum's tone was…almost sad, his voice caught between a broken cry and a whimper. "Smeagol's brother."

"Your brother?" I asked. "Gollum you have a brother?" I tried to imagine two pale, sickly creatures crawling about in caves, eating lizards and thinking they were five different people all at once. I found myself cringing.

"No, not me!" A deep, cracked voice snapped back. "Me." The whimper returned. "He's gone…left us behind…dead."

I suddenly found myself thinking of Gollum before he was…well, Gollum. Smeagol…Deagol…the similarity of the names reminded me of my own siblings and I. Frerin, Fien, Fali. Gideon did not fit, but he was named after a long past uncle, on our mother's side, showing his family ties that way instead. It occurred to me that Gollum had once been, dare I say it, human. He'd once walked on two legs and eaten decent cooked food, and spoke coherently and looked normal. And he'd had a family.

Smeagol…at first I'd thought it just another person inside his head, but now I was discovering the truth. Before Gollum, he had been Smeagol. It wasn't an alternate person, it was a memory of who was before he was corrupted. He tried to cling to what remained of himself. The softer side of him was Smeagol, dying out, and the harsh side was Gollum, trying to cast out the old memories forever.

Pity struck my heart, slashing between my ribs like I had wanted to do to Gollum. All my desires to kill him vanished. I found I couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. He now seemed too human. He now seemed so pitiful. I lowered my blade. "C'mon." I said, softly. "Let's go back now. There's nothing to hunt."

Gollum followed in my shadow, and every time I looked back at him his eyes were full of sadness. Halfway back a lone lizard came across our path and I even stepped on the edge of it's tail, letting Gollum snatch it up.

Watching him eat the tiny reptile was still unsettling to me. Perhaps we'll be alright, I thought. I wondered for a moment if I was too soft hearted. I always had a habit of protecting anything weaker than me. Children, friends…Gideon.

I sighed looking back again at Gollum.

Hopefully, I would not live to regret what happened today.