VI

You Are Tired (I Think)

Hermione sighed deeply, standing in her bedroom and staring listlessly at the letter in her hands. She glanced over at her bed and frowned. She didn't want to sleep, but the exhaustion was hard to shake.

Crookshanks purred loudly, weaving himself between Hermione's legs as if trying to get her attention so they could both go to sleep. Hermione smiled solemnly down at the half-Kneazle, but remained where she was. Her eyes drifted to the letter again. It was from her mother. She had read it several times since receiving it.

Dear Hermione,

How are you? You haven't written in a while and I was starting to get worried. Is everything all right? Your father keeps telling me that you're just busy studying for those N.E.W.T. exams. I suppose that must be it, right?

There's nothing much of consequence back at home. I've decided to take up gardening. Your father and I planted a whole rose garden out back. I'm so excited for the Summer Recess when you can come home and see it.

Anyway, how are Harry and Ron? Is everything well with the Weasleys? I hope to hear back from you soon, but your father wants me to let you know that it's okay not to write back if you're too busy studying.

We love you with all our hearts,

Mum and Dad

Hermione exhaled shakily, finally placing the letter down on her desk and backing away. She felt terribly guilty for not writing to her mum in so long, but she just couldn't bring herself to pretend everything was okay.

"Tomorrow," Hermione said firmly, glancing down at the ginger ball of fur rubbing up against her legs, "I'll write to them tomorrow, Crooks."

Crookshanks purred quietly, pushing at the backs of her legs as if to shove her towards the bed, but Hermione didn't want to sleep. There was too much going on in her head. It had been several days since the incident with Greyback at Hogsmeade, and Hermione hadn't slept much at all since. The problem was that whenever she actually fell asleep – usually because she was too exhausted to go on – she kept reliving everything with Greyback in terrible nightmares. Eventually, the nightmares about Greyback morphed into nightmares about the full moon as well. No matter how hard she tried, the nightmares and restless nights were inescapable.

Hermione turned to the mirror in her bedroom, setting her shoulders in a straight line and making a decision. She was going to see Remus.

It wasn't that late at night, and she knew that he had to be up this late anyway to do his midnight rounds of the school in a couple hours. Maybe he wouldn't mind if she came over to return the books he'd given her. Maybe he'd let her have tea with him as well. Maybe he was feeling just as anxious and sleepless as she was. Maybe he was hoping to be near her again if only just to experience that state of calmness, of tranquil ease. Maybe everything would feel better once she was near him.

It was with these thoughts in mind that Hermione picked up the books he'd loaned her and left her rooms, sneaking through the common room – luckily Evan was in his own room already – and exiting through Artemis' portrait.

"Where are you off to, Granger?" Artemis asked, rather loudly.

"I'm just going to visit someone," Hermione whispered, "I'll be back."

Artemis narrowed his eyes, but nodded. Hermione left quickly then, making her way towards Remus' office.

When she arrived at his door a sudden wave of doubt hit her. Maybe he would think this was strange. Maybe he would just take the books and tell her to go back to bed and deal with her problems on her own. Maybe she'd gotten ahead of herself in thinking that this was okay at all.

No. She remembered the way he'd looked at her in class the other day. He'd watched her tragically, as if the guilt he felt was literally crushing him and he wanted so desperately to do something to help her.

Hermione knocked on the door.

It was about forty-five seconds before she could hear the door connecting his quarters to his office open, then another two seconds until the office door in front of her opened. She inhaled deeply as the serenity washed over her.

"Hermione," Remus said, surprised. He didn't look like he'd been asleep, but he was tired just the same.

"Hi," she breathed. "Um- I have your books," she held the leather bound tomes up, internally cringing at her own awkwardness.

"Oh," he smiled pleasantly, "I didn't think you'd finish them so quickly. Thank you." He took the books from her and placed them on his desk before turning back around, examining her. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes. Everything's fine. I just… well…" she fingered the hem of her robes anxiously. Perhaps she ought to just leave now…

"Do you want to come in?" He opened his office door wider, a kind smile on his face.

"Yes," she nodded, "thank you."

She followed him inside, through to his quarters, noting the amount of essays sitting on his desk. It seemed that he'd been grading. Hopefully he didn't mind her interruption.

"Tea?" asked Remus, removing his wand and levitating some mugs over. The door behind Hermione shut quietly.

"Yes please."

She sat down on the couch in front of the crackling fireplace – Remus always seemed to like sitting by a fire – and waited for him. In a few moments Remus was settling in the armchair across from her, handing her a cup of tea and holding his own in the other hand.

"Thank you," she murmured, taking a sip and allowing some of her remaining tension to slip away with the warm, soothing brew.

"Couldn't sleep?"

She met his eyes, surprised that he'd known. But then again, why else would she be here? "Yeah," she sighed, "you too?"

He nodded. "I always have trouble sleeping, though."

She nodded mutely, and for a moment the silence that stretched between them was strange and uncomfortable. Finally, she spoke again. "Those books you gave me were very interesting." She eyed the bookshelves in his rooms as he spoke.

"Really?" he smiled softly, "well I'm afraid I don't have many more on the subject."

She shook her head. "It's fine. I was actually buying another book about potions like the Wolfsbane in Hogsmeade when- well, when Greyback came."

He nodded, his mouth set in a thin line. The incident with Greyback was still a very sore topic, and Hermione wished so badly that it had never happened if only so that he didn't feel so awful about it.

"I was actually wondering if you know anything about the potion. Anything further than what's in those books, that is."

He considered her for a moment, and then shook his head. "I was never very good at potions, and the Wolfsbane is a bit of an enigma to everyone. I always left the potion sorting to Severus. He may know more, actually."

Hermione frowned. She really didn't want to go seeking answers from Professor Snape about this.

"Why do you ask?"

She hadn't planned to divulge her curiosities to Remus, but she supposed that it couldn't hurt. "I was just thinking about how the potion works and if it could be altered. The book you gave me said that the Wolfsbane works primarily through cutting off the wolf's access to most of the brain. If that works, couldn't it be possible for a variation on the potion to cut off the wolf's control of the body as well?"

He'd been looking at the fire before, but now his eyes met hers. His surprise and intrigue was evident, but he didn't speak for a long moment. "That's actually-" he finally muttered, "that's a very interesting theory."

"Do you think it's possible?" She asked, her eyes lighting up. "I mean, at first it seemed rather nonsensical because nobody has ever been able to stop the physical transformation, but I suppose not many people have really considered it."

He hummed in agreement, the furrow in his brow indicating that he was deep in thought. "I think you ought to ask Professor Snape," he said, picking his eyes up and looking at her. "Like I said, I'm not an expert on this, but Severus, on the other hand, knows more than nearly anyone about this."

Hermione didn't like the idea of seeking out Professor Snape for help, but she figured that her curiosity was going to get the better of her eventually and she would be forced to do it. And maybe talking to Snape won't be that terrible, a voice in her head whispered, he has gone easier on me lately.

Snape never yelled at Hermione for raising her hand too much or helping Harry or Ron anymore. He yelled at Harry and Ron more than enough to compensate, of course, but he often acted strange around her, like he didn't know what to do so he decided that he ought to just ignore her altogether.

"I suppose I will talk to him," she nodded, taking another sip of her tea. It was strange how much better she felt than a mere fifteen minutes ago when she'd been in her dormitory, reading the letter from her mum. Being in the proximity of Remus along with the calming tea he'd given her were a heady combination.

Hermione and Remus continued to talk idly about various things, mostly schoolwork and how she was preparing for N.E.W.T.s. It was a long time before Hermione remembered how late it must be. It had been just before curfew when she'd left her rooms, and now it was long past. She knew that she ought to leave, but she hated the idea of going back to the cold, loneliness of her rooms, where anxiety and sleeplessness would surely set in.

Perhaps she could stay here for just a little while longer.

Remus watched Hermione when she wasn't looking. He noticed the way she seemed to be sinking into the couch, growing tired and languid. He knew that he should have sent her back to her rooms long ago, but it was strangely intoxicating to have her here. Her presence was invigorating but at the same time soothing. He felt tired but alive. He tried to tell himself that this could only be accounted to the fact that she was a werewolf and, as a fellow werewolf, this was his natural reaction.

"You know what's funny?" she mumbled, taking one last sip of her tea, finishing it off.

"Hmm?" Remus looked up, pretending he hadn't been watching her just a second before.

"Your wolf form used to be so menacing to me. Now, after last month's full moon, I just thought you looked like an oversized dog." She chuckled, smiling wryly.

Remus tilted his head to the side and smiled with her. "I can't tell whether you're trying to console or emasculate me."

She lazily waved her hand in the air. "I was just making a observation. Your wolf form is actually quite beautiful, if it makes you feel any better." She was getting really tired now. He knew that she wouldn't be saying these things if she were wide awake.

Remus thought back to the full moon and how she had looked as a wolf. She'd really been quite beautiful as well. His mind quickly moved from this image to another, and as he closed his eyes he could see it clearly in his mind…

She conjured the Bluebell flames out of thin air. The blue light emitted from her hands and lit up her face, casting shadows and flickering light. He watched, entranced by the way she looked, her wild hair rustling with the wind and her eyes focused on the flames between her palms. The wolf's previous bloodlust was momentarily forgotten while he watched the irresistible sight before him, just wanting to keep his eyes locked on her.

Remus shook the image out of his head, not sure how it got there or where it came from. Was that from that first night in the Forbidden Forest? It must have been. She'd mentioned conjuring fire in an effort to scare him off. It was strange and frightening that the memory had come back to him. Despite scouring his mind for an explanation or an extension of the memory, he couldn't find one.

How strange.

Remus' eyes fell back onto Hermione. She was watching him with a tired yet focused air about her. "Can I ask you about something?" She said, narrowing her eyes.

He nodded. "You can ask me anything, Hermione."

She was blushing. "What happened- how did it happen when Greyback bit you?"

He should have anticipated this question sooner or later. Remus sighed, leaning back into the armchair and setting down his tea.

She began to backtrack. "You don't have to- I don't need to know about it-"

"It's alright," he interrupted her, "I'll tell you about it."

Hermione nodded, falling back into her languid positing on the couch and watching him. Remus took a deep breath. "I was very young. It was Greyback's personal method of revenge against my father, who insulted him. Greyback found me one night on the full moon and bit me. He left me alive intentionally, so that my father would always regret what he did."

She looked more distraught than he'd ever seen her. "That- that's horrible."

"I didn't understand it for a long time," Remus explained, feeling an odd need to get these things off his chest. "How do you explain Lycanthropy to a boy who's barely even old enough to read? I didn't have Wolfsbane back then, of course, so I didn't remember what happened after the transformation. But still," he stared off into the fire, "I remember being so confused about what was happening to me, about why my parents looked at me the way they did, spoke to me the way they did."

Her expression was one of awful sadness. "I'm so sorry."

Remus shook his head. "I've grown to accept it over time."

She looked like she wanted to say something in response to this, but she didn't. Remus turned back into the fire, staring at the dancing flames and reliving the curious memory he had of Hermione conjuring the Bluebell Flames in the Forbidden Forest. He didn't realize that he'd been lost in thought for so long until he looked back at Hermione.

She had leaned further into the couch and dozed off. Her deep, even breathing was evidence enough that she had fallen asleep. Remus sighed. He shouldn't have allowed this to happen, but he supposed that it was worth it if they could both get at least one decent night's sleep this week.

It was with confusion over the memory still weighing heavily in his mind that Remus leaned back in the armchair and allowed the tranquility of her presence and the flickering of the fireplace to send him off to sleep.

Hermione was started awake by a loud whoosh of air and some bright light erupting within her bedroom. She opened her eyes, wincing at a kink in her neck and staring at an unfamiliar ceiling.

This wasn't her bedroom.

"Moony? You in?" A voice that Hermione could distinctly recognize as belonging to Sirius Black bellowed out. She looked towards the fireplace and, sure enough, Sirius Black's face was floating there amid the flames. He appeared to notice her right when she saw him. A confusedly mumbled "Oh," was the only sound that came out of his mouth.

"Sirius," Remus' voice spoke then, alarmed and groggy. He was sitting up in his armchair, running a hand over his face. When he looked over at Hermione his eyes grew wide. There were a few seconds of terrible silence in which Remus' eyes darted between Hermione and Sirius before he finally spoke again. "Uh, Sirius, this isn't a good time. Maybe later?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes, and Hermione knew by that look that he would definitely be inquiring about this situation later. He still nodded in understanding and quickly closed the Floo connection.

"I'm so sorry," Hermione began, sitting up and trying to straighten out her hair and robes. Her face was burning with embarrassment. "I really didn't mean to fall asleep. I just-"

"It's okay, Hermione," he cut her off, holding up a hand to stop her tirade. "Don't worry about it. I can tell Sirius something. I'll come up with an explanation."

She watched him closely. He looked significantly less tired than before, but she could see the worry in the way his mouth was set in a straight line. "You should tell Sirius the truth," she murmured.

"What? No, I don't have to, I can tell him something else," he stood from his chair, retrieving his wand from the coffee table and using it to put out the waning fire.

"No," Hermione spoke again, more firmly this time, "tell him the truth. He'll understand, and I know that he can keep it a secret. He's your best friend and you need to talk to him about this."

Remus was still facing the fireplace, but she could tell that he was uncomfortable by the way his shoulders drew tight with tension. "I should go," Hermione said, standing from the couch and moving towards the door before he could come up with a response. "Thank-you for this, and I'm sorry I fell asleep. You should talk to Sirius about what happened." And with that, Hermione was out the door, quickly and covertly making her way back to her dormitory.

"Sirius?" Remus called through the Floo, glancing around the interior of Sirius' flat. After a moment, Sirius popped into sight, coming towards Remus quickly and settling in front of the fireplace.

"Is she gone?" Sirius inquired gingerly.

"Ah, yes," Remus gritted his teeth. "Do you want to come through?" Dumbledore had long ago given Sirius the ability to Floo through to Remus' quarters, knowing that the two friends often needed to speak to each other or be in contact, Sirius more so than Remus.

Sirius nodded once, and Remus backed away from the flames, watching them die down for a second before roaring to life again as Sirius stepped through. The ex-convict examined Remus' quarters for a moment before deciding that they were suitably empty. Sirius crossed his arms, looking Remus up and down, "so… do you want to explain that?"

Remus let out a breath he'd been holding. "Yes, but it's a long story. You should sit down."

Sirius obliged, giving his friend a chance to regale him with the long, complicated, and saddening tale of what had happened between himself, Hermione, and Lucius Malfoy.

"Bloody fucking hell, mate," Sirius rasped once the story was finished, running a hand through his long hair and shaking his head. "I can't believe it."

Remus nodded mutely, his eyes fixed on the floor. He'd been terrified of Sirius' reaction before, and to be honest he still didn't know quite what to make of it now.

"Poor Hermione," Sirius murmured. Remus nodded again. "Poor you," Sirius added, a hint of shock in his tone, "I'm so sorry that happened."

Remus picked his head up, surprised by Sirius' complete lack of blame for anyone but Malfoy. "You think it's your fault," Sirius inferred, watching Remus closely.

"Well it sort of has to be, doesn't it?" Remus shrugged, "even though I wasn't myself when it happened, I still did it. She's a werewolf because of me."

"You didn't do it," Sirius said fiercely, "the wolf did. You can't blame yourself for this, Moony; it'll only hurt things in the end. You're not to blame. It's obvious from what you've told me that Hermione believes that, so you should believe it too."

Remus didn't say anything, resigning himself to once again staring off into the fire.

"Look," Sirius began, a firm undertone to his voice, "after James and Lily- after what happened I blamed myself for years. In a way, it was my fault because I was the reason that Peter ended up the Secret Keeper in the first place."

"It wasn't truly your fault, though," Remus said lowly.

"Exactly. Even though it may have been because of my actions I'm not the one to blame for this, Peter is. I still blamed myself for years though. You saw how town apart I was, and you know just as well as I do that my guilt over it got me nowhere." He paused, evidently reliving a painful memory of something. Remus guessed that it was from Azkaban; Sirius was still wrestling many demons from his years in Azkaban.

"The point," Sirius began again, taking a deep breath, "is that my situation was just like yours. Although you may have been a vital instrument in Malfoy's plan, it was still Malfoy who did it. Malfoy is to blame, not you. I can see how much this is tearing you apart and I know from experience that this self-hatred will only stop you from moving on."

"You're right," Remus conceded, "of course you're right, but it's just- it's so hard not to look at her and see what I did." His face contorted into a sort of grimace as he remembered seeing her go through the transformation and the aftermath.

"But you've got to try to look past it, Moony. I know Hermione, and I know that she could never blame you for this, and from what you've told me, she doesn't. The important thing is that you remind yourself that she's alive and that she needs you to support her."

Remus nodded, staring into the fire and repeating the words in his mind. She's alive and she needs you. She's alive and she needs you. She's alive and she needs you…

"I have to go," Sirius stood, casting a quick Tempus, "but the reason I called was to let you know that the Order meeting's been moved to Friday. Are you going to be okay here?"

"Yeah," Remus uttered, standing up and pulling his friend in a quick hug, "thank you, Padfoot."

Sirius pulled back, placing a hand on each of Remus' shoulders. "It'll be okay in the end. We've survived worse than this. As for Hermione: if anyone can handle this, it's her."

Remus let out a huff of breath, trying to maintain his composure. He finally nodded.

Sirius cracked a broad, youthful grin, patting his friend once more on the shoulder before heading for the fireplace and Flooing out.

Remus found that his mood was significantly better in Sirius' wake. The fact that he and Sirius had been friends for so many years allowed both of them to understand each other on a much deeper level. Sirius knew exactly what Remus needed to hear at times.

With one more deep breath, Remus retreated to his bedroom, ready to prepare for another day.

Author's Note: So here's the deal: I'm currently on vacation from school and find myself with plenty of free time and a lack of schoolwork. Because of this, I'm looking for a few new things to read. If you want to recommend me to read a fic (whether it's yours or someone else's) or an actual published book, I'd love to check out some new reading material. Totally optional, of course.