VII

All These Scars

Taking one final, deep breath, Hermione raised her hand and knocked on the door in front of her. The door lead to Professor Snape's office, a place that few non-Slytherin students ever dared venture into. The door was slightly ajar, so Hermione assumed that this meant she could poke her head inside. She wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible, after all.

It was only when Hermione cracked the door open a little further that she heard the voices speaking inside. One sounded like the Potions Master himself, but the other… she couldn't quite place it.

"You must deal with it," Snape's sharp, biting voice echoed through the room, "on your own. I can't help you with this, Draco."

Hermione gasped audibly before she could realize what she'd done. Cursing herself inwardly, she took a step away from the door. It was too late, however, because just then the door opened completely, and she was afforded a full view into Professor Snape's office. Snape was standing behind his desk, leaning forward, his hands placed firmly on the desk. His eyes were looking towards where Hermione stood. In the chair in front of the desk sat Draco Malfoy. Hermione couldn't see his face, only his platinum blonde head of hair resting in his hands and the defeated slump of his shoulders. He still hadn't noticed Hermione's presence.

"Granger," Snape drawled, the irritation heavy in his voice, "what are you doing here?"

Just like that, Draco's head snapped up to look at her. He tried to mask his shock with a look of intimidating anger, but the bags under his eyes and his abnormally pale complexion made it hard for Hermione to think of him as intimidating right now.

"I'm sorry, Professor," Hermione murmured, "I can come back later if you-"

"No," Snape cut her off sharply, "Mr. Malfoy was just about to leave." He punctuated his final words with a pointed look at Draco. Hermione couldn't see Draco's face now that he had turned back around, but judging from Snape's changing expression, they were sharing some sort of silent conversation. It was only a few seconds before Draco stood up, grabbing his bag from the floor and pacing towards Hermione, who still stood in the doorway. She moved aside, allowing Draco to pass and watching him closely. Just as he was about to pass her, he met her eyes. The look he gave her held the usual measure of dislike and self-imposed superiority, but a sort of despondent hopelessness weighted it down.

Once Draco was gone, his footsteps echoing down the corridor outside, Hermione realized that it was difficult to hate Draco Malfoy after everything she had experienced in the past few weeks.

"What do you want, Miss Granger?" Snape's voice jerked her out of her thoughts, "Are you just here to kick my Slytherins out and waste my time?"

Hermione wanted to tell Snape that she wasn't the one who'd kicked Draco out, but she held the comment back. She needed to behave respectfully, even if Snape didn't deserve it.

"I was wondering if I could ask you a question about the Wolfsbane."

He wasn't looking at her anymore, his eyes instead inspecting the papers atop his desk. If she hadn't known the professor for all of seven years she might not have been able to see the hint of intrigue beneath his guarded expression. "And what would that question be?" he inquired.

Hermione took a deep breath, steeling herself for whatever sort of insults or chiding he was going to throw at her. "I've been researching the potion a lot, and the most information I can find about it is very vague, especially in explaining how the Wolfsbane actually alters the brain and allows the human side to stay in control. I'm sure that there is some active agent in the potion, but it seems that nobody knows what it is."

"And?" Snape crossed his arms.

"I was wondering if you knew anything more. Remus didn't know-"

"Professor Lupin," he corrected.

"Right," Hermione continued, "Professor Lupin didn't know anything about it, but he said that you might. I was just wondering if you could clear this up for me."

He narrowed his eyes, watching her closely. "And why are you suddenly so curious about this?"

Hermione shrugged, "well it pertains to me now much more than it ever did before." She paused, taking a deep breath and hoping that Snape would be receptive to this idea, "I've also been thinking… what if there was a way to modify the potion so that the wolf couldn't take control of the man's body? What if there was some way to obstruct the physical transformation as well as the mental transformation?"

There was a long pause before Snape spoke again, his tone biting and sour. "And you think that you could figure it out? That the great Hermione Granger could come up with a potion to cure Lycanthropy? That is a silly and juvenile dream to entertain, Miss Granger. Do you think that nobody has tried it before? Do you think that there haven't been people who have worked for years studying this subject- people who are much older and more educated than you?"

She frowned, taking a deep breath and stamping down her irritation. "Well yes, I'm sure it's been attempted before, but I don't actually think that it has been given as much attention as I'm willing to give it. People don't care about werewolves. A lot of people could care less if the Wolfsbane was improved. I don't think it's a possible cure for Lycanthropy, because I know that is too broad of a dream for me to believe in. It's just an improvement, and I think that you could help me make it possible."

Snape didn't respond, instead removing his wand from his robes and using it to clear some of the papers off of his desk. Hermione watched him ignore her, tapping her foot on the ground impatiently. She didn't want to make him angry with her, but it was just so hard not to sometimes.

"Do you know anything more about the Wolfsbane?" she finally asked, keeping her voice polite and calm.

Snape looked up at her. "I certainly know more." He paused, a flick of his wand sending a group of rolls of parchment over to one side of his desk with the others. "But there is also a large amount that you ought to learn from other resources before I try to explain anything to you. If I attempted to divulge my understanding of the potion now it would be lost on you."

We're getting somewhere, Hermione told herself, this is good.

He was silent for a few more moments before speaking again. "You may consult a few of my books on Advanced Potion Theory, and you may want to look into Herbology as well." Just then, a stack of three large, ancient looking books levitated out of a bookshelf behind Professor Snape, stopping directly in front of Hermione and falling into her arms. She let out a grunt at the sudden weight, but managed to stay upright. "You may ask me questions to aid your research, but I will end this little… project of yours if you become bothersome. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," Hermione smiled, "thank you."

"Don't assume that I think this is going to work or that you are capable of such a feat. I'm merely doing this because I know that your insufferable persistence would cause you to haunt me for months about this otherwise. Not to mention Lupin…"

"Of course," Hermione nodded, shifting to support the weight of the books.

"Now," Snape straightened himself before sitting at his desk, a stack of essays neatly arranged for grading beside him. "I don't have any more time for you to waste, and you have a lot of research to do."

"Thank you, Professor," she murmured once more before backing out of the room. Just as she was about to leave, however, she stopped. "Sir?"

He looked up from his grading, a scowl already forming on his face. "What?" he asked angrily.

She swallowed dryly. "You were speaking with Draco about me, weren't you?"

She didn't expect Snape to respond, but surprisingly enough, he nodded. It was only the slightest jerk of his head before he returned to his papers, but it was an affirmation, nonetheless. Hermione left his office, not wanting to give him any more time to take away the books he had given her.

She walked back to her dormitory eager to get started on her research, but thoughts of Draco and his father still weighed heavily on her mind. Was Draco's father going to try to hurt her again? Was he asking Draco to hurt her? For some reason she felt very confident in the fact that Draco would not obey his father willingly with that sort of request. Draco wasn't a murderer. Plus, Dumbledore had asked Snape to keep an eye on Draco, and she'd seen proof of the Potions Master following through on that order just now.

Hermione felt safe from Draco, but how long would it be until Lucius took matters into his own hands?

In the days after seeing Snape, Hermione started to develop a routine with her time. In the mornings, namely at meals and on the days when she didn't have classes, she would spend her time revising for N.E.W.T.s. In the afternoons, she'd often get her homework done and then spend as much time as possible pouring over the books Snape had given her, along with the one she'd purchased from Tomes and Scrolls and some Herbology texts that Professor Sprout had allowed her to borrow. Her excuse to Professor Sprout, along with Harry, Ron, Ginny, and anyone else who asked was that she was researching for an extra credit project for Professor Snape. She doubted anyone would ask Professor Snape to validate this, but if they did, she suspected that Snape would confirm the lie.

In all of this business Hermione found that she didn't have as much time anymore for the sleepless nights she'd struggled from only a week ago. Soon enough, though, another full moon was coming around, and with it came the restlessness that Hermione had become well acquainted with. During the week leading up to the full moon, Hermione was happy to have Remus invite her to go on more runs with him around the grounds at night. She adored the routine of it, and it was always a great chance to relieve some stress about the impending transformation. Plus, it didn't hurt that she got to spend more time with Remus. Things had been just a little awkward between them after that night she'd fallen asleep in his private quarters, but it abated with time.

Two nights before the full moon, Hermione was called into Dumbledore's office again. There, he informed both Remus and Hermione that the Shrieking Shack was no longer an option for the full moon. Hermione was slightly upset about this — she'd actually sort of liked being there last month — but she understood that if Greyback had been able to infiltrate Hogsmeade once, he could definitely do it again.

Dumbledore therefore decided to send Remus and Hermione off of Hogwarts grounds for the full moon. The idea of leaving the safety of Hogwarts was a little frightening, but surely Dumbledore would take the necessary precautions. Remus had offered up his own house for the transformation. It was apparently a cottage once owned by one of his parents, and he'd lived there on and off over the past several years. Dumbledore liked the idea enough, and after sending a begrudging Snape out there to set up a great variety of wards, the Headmaster decided that it was a suitable place for the transformation.

So it was decided that Remus' cottage would be in use for the night of the full moon. Two evenings later, Hermione found herself meeting Remus and Professor Snape by the front of the school. Snape was to escort them to the house and then back to Hogwarts in the morning. He didn't seem to like the task, but Hermione knew that there was almost nobody Dumbledore trusted more with a task like this than Professor Snape. Despite having her doubts sometime in the past, Hermione had to acknowledge that Snape was also one of the people she trusted most.

The trip to the cottage was uneventful. The trio made their way off of school grounds and then Hermione side-along Apparated with Remus while Snape Apparated on his own. A few seconds later, they stood outside a small, woodsy cottage.

"I'll be back shortly after sunrise," said Snape. With a loud crack not a second later, he was gone.

"He's always pleasant, isn't he?" Remus huffed, starting towards the house. Hermione followed him, feeling the tingling sensation of a magical boundary as they passed through the wards around the place.

The interior of the house was just how one expected it to look from the outside. There was a small living area with a couch and a fireplace. Attached to it was a modest kitchen with an old wood fire stove. There looked to be a single bedroom and a bathroom off of the living room. Despite the house being a bit drafty and smelling of dust, Hermione felt that it was very homely.

"So," Remus sighed, hanging his cloak up on the coat rack, "how do you like it? I know it's not much, but it's better than that bloody shack, right?"

Hermione smiled softly, "It's very nice."

"I'd give you the grand tour, but I don't think we have much time for that." He checked his wristwatch, nodding once before retrieving the robes for them to change into.

It was true; moonrise was not long from now. Hermione changed quickly in the bathroom before sitting down on the couch, her knee bouncing anxiously as she waited. Remus came out from the bedroom a few moments later, sitting beside her and making idle conversation in an obvious attempt to keep her mind off of what was about to happen. It wasn't working very well. The only thoughts in her mind were fearful anticipation of what was going to happen in just a few moments and the occasional thought about how close Remus was sitting. He wasn't sitting outrageously close, mind you. Nearly every person of the male gender who'd gotten close to Hermione over the past few days had distracted her.

Moonrise came in almost the same way it had last time. The only difference now was that Hermione knew what to expect. When the gripping pains and bone splitting transformations started she could assure herself that despite it feeling like literal death, she wasn't going to die. Still, she cried and screamed and tore at her own skin for what felt like hours until her body had fully shifted and the pain abated.

When the transformation was fully finished Hermione found herself once again intrigued by her wolf form. The beginning of the night was very similar to the previous full moon in that Remus proceeded to curl up in a ball and watch as Hermione sniffed every corner of the room. A new environment like this one meant at least a hundred new smells, each of which Hermione had to methodically pick apart. Finally, she curled up on the rug, dozing off to sleep a few feet away from the furry form of Remus.

The morning transformation was worse than the beginning of the night. Hermione woke up to the fur along her spine sticking straight up, anticipating the pain to come. Her howls of agony mingled with Remus', but his were more controlled after years of the experience. When her paws turned into human hands she started to desperately scratch the pain away. Despite knowing that she was just hurting herself, she couldn't stop. She just wanted it to end. She wanted all of it to end.

And then it did.

Hermione was left lying on the ground, breathing heavily and shivering. After hearing a shifting noise coming from a few feet away, she was reminded of Remus. She quickly found her robe and covered herself. While she did so she took a moment to assess her condition. That transformation back from wolf form had been brutal. Her arms and torso were scratched, and when she wiped her hand against a scrape on her cheek it came away slightly bloody.

Great, you've managed to claw yourself bloody. That'll be brilliant to explain to everyone back at Hogwarts.

Shaking her head as if it would clear her mind of thoughts of school, Hermione sat up and looked at Remus. He was rubbing his face, looking tired despite having slept nearly the whole night. "How are you?" he asked hoarsely, meeting her gaze.

Hermione let out a shaky breath, pushing the resounding pains and aftershocks out of her mind. "That was a bad one," she whispered.

"Agreed," he gritted out, shifting over and leaning up against the front of the couch. Hermione did the same, tipping her head back and taking deep, slow breaths.

"You're bleeding," he observed. She tilted her head and saw him watching her sadly in the same sideways manner. They must have looked like quite a sight: half-dressed, bloody, and too tired to even sit properly on the couch.

She let out a long breath, "I tried to stop myself…"

"But it was a bad one," he echoed her former words.

Hermione nodded. "Why was it worse this month?"

She wasn't looking at him anymore, but she could imagine exactly the way he shrugged his shoulders. "Sometimes they're just worse than others. Could be stress, less sleep in the nights leading up to the moon, changes in the brewing of the Wolfsbane, anything really. Another inexplicable part of Lycanthropy, I'm afraid."

Somehow Hermione found it within herself to pull her tired legs up from the ground and hug her legs. She rested her forehead between her knees, taking deep, calming breaths. Remus was quiet while she did so, but she could feel his eyes on her, and she could tell that he wanted to say something.

After a little while she felt his hand slide into hers. His fingers were cold and clammy, but they curled around in a way that made it comforting. Hermione realized that this was the only genuine physical interaction she'd had since before that first night two months ago in the Forbidden Forest. The thought made her chest ache for a moment, and Remus was so close to her that she wanted desperately to curl into his side and take more from this gentle, innocent gesture.

Instead, her hand tightened around his and she continued her deep, even breathing, ignoring the blood on her face from clawing at herself and the near-agonizing fatigue that remained from the transformation.

Remus held her hand the whole time.

Professor Snape showed up about twenty minutes after sunrise. Hermione and Remus had both lost themselves in thought, and were thus surprised to hear the door behind them open and the footsteps of Snape as he strode into the room. Remus untangled his fingers from hers and jumped to his feet, muttering about how they'd lost track of time and he needed to change back into his clothes. Knowing that the damage had already been done and it would doubtlessly be awkward anyway now, Hermione turned and offered Snape her best "hello" before fixing her robe and proceeding to the bathroom to change.

The trip back to Hogwarts was silent and slow. Snape didn't speak, only letting out irritating huffs of breath when either Hermione or Remus had to stop and rest. Eventually, they made it to the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey immediately started fussing over the pair of them, and it was at that point that Hermione decided she didn't care about her friends or Evan getting suspicious. She was going to be sick for today. She was going to spend the whole day sleeping in the Hospital Wing and taking whatever potions Pomfrey gave her and not caring one bit.

Remus apparently had things to do, because he left not long after Madam Pomfrey had finished with him. On his way out he sent Hermione a warm, albeit slightly awkward, smile. "Remember that it won't always be that bad," he murmured, nodding once more before exiting.

After he was gone Hermione realized something: throughout the whole of the past week she'd only seen a few short flickers of Remus' guilt and shame. She knew it must have been Sirius' doing, because before she'd told Remus to speak to Sirius about it practically all of their interactions had been filled with guilty, mournful looks on his part.

Sirius had done some good, and that was one thing Hermione could be happy for.

Author's Note: Happy 2015, everyone! I hope everyone had a wonderful, safe, and happy New Years. I received a ton of great recommendations and got to spend a lot of time reading over the past several days. I had no clue there were so many great authors reading this! If you don't mind, I'm going to spend a minute here telling you all what wonderful writers we have in our midst: I read and enjoyed The Keeper's Lament by apriljunemay, I Want You To Be My Acrobat by gypsyfurface, and The Debt of Time by Shealone over these past few days. I'm sure most of you have probably already stumbled across The Debt of Time because it's epic with nearly 1000 reviews and over 300,000 words, but you should definitely read that if you haven't yet. Also, some other amazing authors who I'm so happy are reading this: NeonDomino with her plethora of wonderful Hermione/Remus and Wolfstar fics, and LR Earl with Sacrifice, her amazingly angsty and beautiful Hermione/Remus fic.

Okay, I hope you don't hate me for rambling on like that. I usually try to keep my notes short, but oh well…

Let me know what you thought of the chapter! Also, some of you will probably be happy to know that part one of this fic is officially finished, now waiting to be posted. Part one is 16 chapters long, topping off at a little over 75,000 words. I've now moved on to the writing of part two, and it's already a blast. I can't wait for you guys to see what I have in store.